Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Before we get started… Beware of the Sasugay. Srsly you guys. Don't take this too seriously. Written mainly for my own amusement. So enjoy? :D

A Solitude of Underpants

by eatyourtofurky

"Neji, does this dress make me look fat?"

Sasuke batted his lashes and clasped his hands together, posing in front of the full length mirror.

Neji frowned, highly disconcerted at the sight of the male standing no farther than a leap's length from him, dressed in what seemed to be a horrific sequin studded, poly-spandex-leather blend, flowing monstrosity, and making kissy faces. Slowly Neji laid down the book he had been pretending to read, for need of something, anything, to distract himself and laced his fingers under his chin. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Well, it is…it's very—" He cleared his throat again, delaying the inevitable. He didn't want to say it. He probably would though anyway. The dress was terrifying. More than terrifying. It was a crime against humanity that anybody should be seen in such a thing. Whoever the dress maker was should be condemned to a solitude of designing underpants or something, Neji thought.

Sasuke smiled coyly and swished his hips.

"Oh look at you being all shy," he crooned and clapped his hands happily. There was a distinct way in which Sasuke pronounced his S's, Neji noted. Like his tongue was getting caught on his front teeth. The Sasuke he remembered didn't speak with a lisp. Or wear aquamarine blue eye shadow. And was that blush lightly applied to his cheeks?

Neji opened his mouth to speak but no words would come. It was as if they were trapped in his throat, tiny stinging things, creeping up slowly and creating a sick taste in his mouth. Sasuke bent down to retrieve his sparkly purple boa, revealing a view to what Neji could've sworn was Tokyo, down the dress. Apparently today, Sasuke had decided, was a perfectly good day to go commando. Neji realized that the sick, stinging sensation going on in his mouth was the bile rising in his throat. He resisted the reflexive urge to gag.

"Oh my dear Lord," he muttered, agonized and rubbed his eyes furiously as if by doing so could erase the traumatizing image from his mind. He could feel an eye spasm coming on. Sasuke, mooning in front of the mirror again, perked up at the sound of his voice.

"What is it, sweetums?"

"I feel—there's something in my eye. It's burning," Neji said, voice thick and traumatized. He swore it was his eye, probably protesting, rioting, moments from imploding in on itself.

"Oh, baby, let me see." Sasuke sashayed toward him as Neji felt a cold sweat break throughout his body, and tried vainly to sink and disappear into the couch.

"No!" he yelled and leaped up quickly. "No, please don't—" come any closer, dear God, please. "It's fine. Really. I'm going to go to the bathroom now to vom—ah, see what's wrong. So please, just stay there. Where you are. Standing."

Sasuke gave him a worried look. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Pookie, let me just—"

"No. Nooo."

"Sugar booger—"

"I REALLY JUST NEED TO GET TO A BATHROOM. EXCUSE ME PLEASE."

Neji stumbled off the couch and scrambled to the bathroom, trying valiantly not to lose his breakfast all over the carpet. The carpet and floorboards that were suddenly spinning from under him, spinning and throbbing as if at any minute, gravity would be yanked from under his feet and he would be set adrift into the great beyond.

When he had safely barricaded himself in the bathroom, Neji made sure to stop a moment and breathe. Deep breaths.

"Everything okay in there?" It was Sasuke's voice again. Neji choked momentarily in shock on his air.

"Yes, everything's just—" going to the shithole right about now. "—peachy keen. I'll be out—" NEVER. "Soon. Just give me a second." To escape.

"Well if everything's peachy keen, sweetie pie, what are you waiting for? Hurry up!" Sasuke urged, pawing anxiously at the door. "We'll be late for our date!"

Neji swallowed the lump in his throat, then proceeded in choking simultaneously on more air and spit, if that was possible, which then resulted in his trying to hack up what seemed to be his right lung.

"I'm sorry, what?" He braced himself against the sink, breathing labored breaths.

"Our date, sillyhead. I wouldn't dress up like this for nothing." There were faint giggles from the other side of the door.

Neji felt his stomach drop to his feet, where it probably shriveled up and died a little. That was it. He needed to act fast. Because if he did not, he was positively sure that his brain would burst. Very soon. At any moment in fact.

"I don't know how to put this delicately, but…" Neji leaned closer to the door, making absolutely sure that his message would be relayed clearly and without any confusion.

"I'm not going," he said flatly.

"What? Pookie kins, what are you talking about? We've been planning this for months!"

"I don't know what crazy ideas you've gotten in your mind that would make you think—but—I'm straight," Neji hissed. "I love women. I love them," he said firmly, as if trying to reassure and convince even himself.

There was a snort. Followed by another bout of giggling, this time louder and slightly less sane sounding.

"Straight as a rainbow, honey!" Sasuke quipped. "Now are you going to come out of that bathroom or am I going to have to break down this door?"

That was it then, Neji decided. Sasuke was going to crash down the door, gag him with his sparkly purple boa, then whisk him away for their date, never to be seen again. Suddenly, he felt like all the walls of the bathroom were closing in, leaving him trapped. Panic set in nicely, mixed in with a dash of claustrophobia, and when Neji frantically spotted the open window, he responded the way any person would have in that kind of situation—he jumped.

He woke with a violent start. His shirt was soaked through with sweat. Everything was bright and shining and he realized it was morning. And he was in his room. Away, far, far away, from any sparkly purple boas.

"My God," he breathed.

What the holy hell was that, he thought, shuddering. It was a nightmare that's what it was.

Neji sat up and dragged his hands across his face. Upon waking, he felt exhausted, drained. Like his nerves had been thoroughly chewed up and harassed with. The body next to him stirred slightly, then a face poked up out from the covers.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke yawned groggily.

Neji bit his tongue to keep from screaming, because he was sure it would have come out very loudly, and very shrilly. Then he realized, there was no scary makeup on this face. It was just Sasuke; sleepy eyes, disheveled hair and crumpled t-shirt. No alarming eye shadow or blush.

Sasuke blinked, waiting for an answer, while Neji untangled his tongue from his teeth.

"I just had this awful nightmare."

He blinked once more, wearing a look equivalent to Suck It Up, and put his face back into his pillow.

"You were in it," Neji said.

"Shut up," Sasuke muttered.

After a moment, though still somewhat shaken, Neji lay back down, clasped his hands on his stomach, and gazed meditatively at the ceiling. A thought suddenly struck him, and he spoke again.

"Sasuke."

There was a sigh.

"If I answer this, will you shut up and go back to sleep?"

"How do you feel about purple…and feathers?"

Sasuke simply turned on his side, pulling his pillow over his head, and feigned unconsciousness.

From that day on, Neji avoided sequins, any type of spandexy-like material, and of course, purple, feathery things.

Author's Notes: I laughed a lot while writing this. Laughed with myself. Which probably isn't very healthy. But that's not the point. Hopefully you laughed too and enjoyed reading. Reviews, comments, smiley faces—they're all accepted and appreciated! 8)