Colin Murray: Greetings to all those in U.K.. Tonight (or is it morning? afternoon? AUTHOR'S NOTE: I AM NOT BRITISH. :() we have a very special guest on the program tonight. Straight out of the utter fiction of Jo Rowling's brain, we have Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart. Good evening, Gilderoy.

Gilderoy Lockhart: I don't know. It looks dark outside, but I've been tricked before. It might be morning, or it might be rainy.

Murray: Well then! With that, let's start.

Lockhart: Start what? Ooooh, you're a muggle, you have cars. Can we start one of those? VrrrOoOOOOOM. I like VROOM.

Murray: I have a feeling I'd know what you were going on about if I'd read the books, but as it stands --

Lockhart: You've read my books? I'd like to say I remember writing my books, but I'm afraid I... oh look, my hand. LOOK AT MY HAND! It moves! It's so pink, and the nails are so shiny! How fortunate I am to posses something so wondrous at the end of my shoulder-stick...

Murray: Arm. It's called an arm.

Lockhart: You know what your problem is? You're limited. L-I-M-I-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z.

Murray: That may be the least of my worries, actually. Tell me, Gilderoy, do you have any recollection of where you are right now?

Lockhart: I think that's beside the point. What are you avoiding, anyway?

Murray: You're on national radio. The BBC.

Lockhart: Phhhht. Muggles. Is this what I've been reduced to, is this where's they're sending the fabulous Gildero- HEY LOOK, IT'S BLUE!

(Gilderoy pushes Random Blue Studio Button, starting track one. It's Spice Girls - Wannabe.)

Murray: Did you like that Gilderoy?

Lockhart: Like what? Did you know you have hair? Very fortunate, you are, to have hair. A lot of things aren't so lucky. Like fish. And turtles. And pigs. And toast. And--

Murray: Hey, look at this! It's PINK!

Lockhart: PINK!

(Gilderoy pushes pink button and the second track starts. It's Miserlou - Dick Dale.)

Lockhart: And then there's apples. They seem dishonest, you know what I mean? Have you ever had an apple you'd feel comfortable leaving to look after your children? Me neither, but then I've been told it's unclear if I actually ever had any children.

Murray: But you're confident about apples?

Lockhart: Absolutely. I know apples better than the back of my hand, but that's neither here nor there. I wouldn't trust the back of my hand either. It's too shiny and pink. And it keeps moving, remember? Can't trust things that move as far as you can throw them.

Murray: You hurt my mind, so I'm gonna cut to another track now.

(Plays the Chicken Dance - Werner Thomas)

Lockhart: And there's goats! You know, goats--

(Gilderoy is interrupted by Murray playing another track. This time it's Barbie Girl - Aqua.)

Lockhart: And they're always staring. Staring, staring, stairing, st--

Murray: I'm terribly afraid we've run of time. I'm gonna cruise on out of here with the most appropriate record I've got here in the studio. Gildreroy, if you'd do the honors?

Lockhart: YELLOW!

(Gilderoy pushes the yellow button, which starts Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne.)