The Demise of Harry Potter
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, there would be much weeping in the streets. And gnashing of teeth, that too.
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Harry walked to the Quidditch Pitch lazily. Ron was supposed to meet him there. Except, when he got to the area where the Quidditch Pitch usually stood, it was absent. Wow, this was weird. Maybe something was going on today?
Ron looked at him and shrugged so they decided to go visit Hagrid and perhaps subtly interrogate him.
But when they reached the hut, it was on fire. Hmmm...this was odd as well. Shouting "Aguamenti" loudly, they stopped the conflagration. Popping out of the Forbidden Forest, Hagrid waved to them.
"Harry, Ron, I got somethin' ter show yeh!" The pair of teenagers agreed that they would go follow Hagrid. They were bored, and they had already made out their wills the other day stating that all of their worldly posessions would go to each other and Hermione.
So, trudging through the obstructing leaves and brush, they made it to a clearing where stood a large table covered in a large, pink, floral table cloth bigger than a circus tent. On top of the table was...the Quidditch Pitch. And the students were sitting in it?
Hagrid was way bigger than he normally was.
"Hagrid, did you use an engorgement charm on yourself?"
"No, he did not, Harry Potter...I did." Why in the world would Voldemort put an engorgement charm on Hagrid...wait, VOLDEMORT! But he was so-so-so enormous! Why would he do that?
"Yes, I am here at Hogwarts, Potter."
"Why!" His throat felt unusually dry.
"I'm here to have a quick bite with my good friend Hagrid...we haven't had a very good rapport since I framed him for opening the chamber of secrets, you know."
Harry then realized that they were munching on something. Hagrid reached into the Quidditch Pitch and pulled out Zacharias Smith who screamed blood curdlingly. Until he met his demise amongst Hagrid's engorged incisors. Harry had the sudden urge to scrub at his tongue with his sleeve. He didn't even want to imagine what that jerk would have tasted like. ummmmmmm...
Draco Malfoy was hanging onto Voldemort's engorged lip like a grotesque lip ring, hanging on for dear life, until Voldemort's serpent-like tongue slunk out of his mouth and lifted the blond boy through the opening. Harry could not help but think "Poor Malfoy". He wouldn't want to die like that. Voldemort probably had really bad breath. The toothbrush! The heinous things muggles come up with!
Suddenly, a white something flashed in front of him. A great, big arm. No, Ron!
Ron! NO! DON'T EAT RON!
Slap! Ron whacked his best friend on the head. What kind of nightmare would induce Harry to scream "Don't eat Ron"? Maybe Ron didn't want to know because when Harry blearily opened his eyes, he still had a look of utmost terror plastered on his face. Finally, his chest still heaving, Harry's eyes softened and he tried to relax. What had caused that? Harry wondered.
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That day did nothing to make him feel better.
Harry had been having a hard day. Hermione kept on glancing at him oddly and waving shakily at him all day. Ron was blowing kisses at Ginny to Harry's chagrin and ferocious disgust. Snape had taken points from Gryffindor because Hermione had pinched him somewhere that had made him blush furiously. "Acts of that nature do not belong in the classroom, Granger, even though I'm sure Potter is glad that you like his arse." And Ginny was off with some of her friends from her year so he had nobody to talk to about Hermione's strange behavior.
At least maybe flying would take his mind off of all of the insanity. He sighed as he slung his firebolt over his shoulder and trudged sluggishly toward the Pitch.
Unfortunately, that hope turned out to be a useless dream. Insanity was officially a permanent fixture at Hogwarts. Harry fervently hoped that it was just something in the water because if Hermione brains had been addled, he didn't know what he would do without her.
At the Quidditch pitch, the only one there was Hermione. Addled Hermione.
He walked toward her, bemused. He had scheduled Quidditch today, hadn't he? He was becoming a nutter too, was he?
Hermione's right eye flickered closed. Either she was twitching (something expected when your brains are jumbled) or she was winking at him? She raised her arm and waggled her pointer finger at him slowly, motioning him to come to her.
Confused and hungry for an explanation as to why she alone was on the Pitch, he complied without a second glance at the equally hungry expression on her face. She was standing in the middle of the pitch, and if you looked close enough (like Hermione would if she were the observer) you'd see that her hands were trembling as she dry-washed them.
"Harry, I've wanted---," she coughed because the low, raspy voice that she'd been trying out around him was starting to hurt her throat.
"Hermione? Where's the team?" Harry asked scratching the back of his neck with his broomstick.
"I told them that they had to get off, o-on Professor McGonagall's orders," she looked up at him hopefully. What was she looking hopeful for?
"What's happened?" Was someone attacking Hogwarts? She hesitated in her answer.
"Hermione, if someone is attacking Hogwarts, you can't be out here-"
Hermione raised her hand, causing Harry to stop his chiding.
"Harry, I've been trying to say this for a long time..." Ye Gods! She really was insane! Harry pretended to cough; it sounded vaguely like "Ron!" Honestly! Last night he'd seen them going at like peacocks...though he couldn't fathom what that would look like in reality...
"What I'm trying to say is...I love you, Harry James Potter!" She suddenly lunged at him, tackling him to the ground with such force that he groaned as he made contact with the hard earth. He tried to keep as still as possible because someone had once told him that it was a very, very bad to anger a clinically insane person. Hermione was twitching again...at least he thought that was twitching.
And at the very worst moment for her to appear, Minerva McGonagall walked onto the pitch looking horrified.
"Potter! Granger! What in Merlin's sweet name is going on? Firstly, this is the Quidditch Pitch, not the Room of Requirement, Secondly, Hermione, you are engaged to Weasley! Potter, you and Weasley are a promising couple!"
Wait a minute, that had sounded wrong...they were involved with the same person?
Obviously, seeing the identical pairs of shock and confusion, McGonagall explained.
"Potter, you and Ginevra Weasley are a promising couple. Ronald Weasley is your best friend."
Oh! Insert Dawning Comprehension sequence.
"Right! You're Right!" Hermione realized abruptly pulling herself off of her best friend. Her face was uncomfortably hot and Harry thought she looked like she had a quaffle for a head. Heh! He started chuckling. He imagined playing Quidditch with Hermione's head. That would be really gross, but hilarious nonetheless! HA!
"Uhhhhh...sorry, Harry, I dunno what came over me."
Harry kept on laughing. When he finally composed himself he smiled at her angelically.
"That's okay, 'Mione. At least you didn't try to eat me like Hagrid did last week. Or try to suffocate me like Ginny the week before last. Or kick me somewhere unmentionable like Ron the week before that. Or..." Harry paused realizing something, "Merlin's Beard! My best friends are trying to have me off'd!"
He looked at Hermione with anger and suspicion. Until both Hermione and McGonagall raised their arms toward him and started slowly closing in on him mumbling something that sounded like "brains".
Harry ran into the Forbidden Forest where he didn't make it five seconds before he fell into a big hole and was eaten by a load of Aragog's children. Later, McGonagall found his mangled remains. And then decided to hang them up on her wall in remembrance of the boy-who-survived-the-killing-curse-but-could-not-defeat-a-hole-in-the-ground.
And somewhere in the suburbs of Britain, Voldemort was clapping his hands with glee. Pettigrew had made him a sandwich...
Not to mention that his plan had worked. He had driven Potter crazy at last. His friends had been easy to manipulate, and had turned out to be great assets. He found that it had been harder to control the snakes in the Black forest.
That nightmare had been a great idea. Having a tea party with Hagrid...eating Hogwarts students...Voldemort smiled in reminiscence.
Too bad the Acromantulas had gotten him first. Damn. Oh well, at least his lemonade tasted good and sour.
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Wow, that was pretty fun!
I have achieved it! I have killed Harry Potter! cue insane laughter...
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