Naomi
It's been a week since Pandora's pajama party and here I sit in my room alone and tracing invisible patterns on my bed as I play that day's events in my head again. I was certain that party was going to be in my list of lamest parties I've ever attended. Boy, was I wrong.
I spent the first half of the party stealing glances at Emily. I'll never get over how beautiful that girl is. Although, I'm not sure I'll ever admit that to her—or anyone for that matter. I watched her dance with no cares in the world. I watched her change into those ridiculous pajamas Pandora's mother made us. She didn't notice my side glances as her almost-naked body was in front of me. Fuck, she looked amazing. I watched her eat the MDMA laced brownies so unwittingly seductive. She had no idea how much it turned me on to watch her slowly take small bites before licking her slender fingers clean of the chocolate. Fuck, what was wrong with me? How did she have this kind of pull on me?
Then it happened. We were busy retrieving the alcohol Panda forced us to hide in the front yard and it happened. Emily kissed me. Those perfect soft lips touched mine and she was right—I did like it. Hell, I loved it. That's why we spent the rest of the night sneaking off and stealing secret kisses. I couldn't help myself. She was so beautiful and innocent and I loved the way her lip-gloss lingered on my lips. Every time I licked my lips I could taste hers and it only made me want more.
But, I had to go and fuck it up.
The morning after the party I woke up and bolted, as fast I could, out of Panda's house. I didn't want to face the awkward conversation with Emily after our night of secret kisses.
I mean, I'm not gay. I can't be. That's not who I am. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself every time my mind wanders off and fixates on Emily and the way her lips felt against mine. Which, by the way, is about every half hour now.
It's half passed 2 in the morning. I should at least try and get some sleep, I tell myself.
Just as I'm about to drift off into a peaceful slumber I hear the familiar ring coming from my mobile. "Fuck's sake," I mumble sleepily as I search for the phone. I finally reach it and answer unfocusedly.
"Hello?" I ask.
"Are you awake?" A familiar husky voice asks quietly.
"Ems?" I exclaim. "What the fuck are you doing ringing so late?"
"I couldn't sleep…" She starts softly… "I was thinking about you. We haven't spoken since Panda's party.. and.." she continues before I interrupt.
"And you decide to call me at this ungodly hour? What the fuck Emily!" I know it's rude of me, but I don't want to hear where she is headed. I can't. I've been trying so hard to shake these feelings I have for her. I can't hear her say the things I so desperately want to hear. I just can't.
It's been about a minute of complete silence. I decide to break it.
"Emily?" I ask softly.
"…I'm sorry.." She begins. "I shouldn't have called. I just miss you, that's all."
There they were. The words I both wanted and dreaded hearing. My heart began to ache the moment the words flowed through my phone. God, I missed her too. But, she was making me feel these things I didn't understand. I'm not gay. I like boys. I do. I plead to myself. I can't do this. This isn't me. I have to stop this before I hurt both of us.
"Look, Emily," I started. "We've talked about this. I like boys. I'm not gay. How many times do I have to tell you that? You need to let it go and stop throwing yourself at me." I can't believe I just said that.
"But, you kissed me too, Naomi." She states with tears in her voice.
"It was the drugs, Emily. That's it. Let it go. I will never like you the way you want me to." And with that I hang up the phone. I couldn't stand hearing Emily cry, especially since it was because of me. Fuck, why am I such a tit?
I place my phone on the bedside table and roll over on my side, unsure of why I'm crying. This is what I wanted right? It's what had to be done.
Even I didn't believe that.