Beth6787

15 April y

Great Expectations

A one shot following on from "The First Circle". Tuvok and Janeway have a heart to heart...

This time had been bad. The worst so far : she had only just made it back to the land of the living. The Doctor had already informed her there would not be another chance. She had used up the last of her many lives : the cumulative effects of endless near death events had taken their long term toll. And not just on her.

She had regained consciousness just a few moments after the Doctor had finally forced her First Officer to return to his quarters for some long overdue rest. As consciousness slowly suffused her mind and the blurry images of her immediate surroundings came into focus she saw the crumpled and torn remains of a book on the floor. Instinctively she knew what it was...and what it signified. She had pushed him too far. He had finally snapped. What could be salvaged of their fragile 'relationship' she was yet to discover. A few moments later she heard the Doctor moving around in his office and closed her eyes, lying inert and praying that he was unaware that she had awoken already. Within seconds he was at her side scanning her and she gave the first indications of regaining consciousness, a slight moan left her lips and she flexed her left hand. She heard the Doctor move away from her and tentatively opened her left eye, just enough to see him hastily gathering the remnants of Dante's Inferno from the sickbay floor and hastily consigning it to oblivion.

After another hour or two of fussing around her and giving her a never ending list of medical restrictions, he finally relented and released her to her quarters after summoning Commander Tuvok to escort her home and ensure that all work related PADDs had been removed to her Ready Room. The latter being strictly out of bounds for the next four days at which point the Doctor would be giving her a thorough examination to ascertain whether or not she was truly fit to return to duty.

For once she didn't put up a fight. She knew he was right, as usual, but it really had nothing to do with the Doctor or even her own precarious health. It was the image of her most treasured possession scattered across the sickbay floor: crumpled; torn; unsalvageable ... a metaphor for her relationship with...

She was too tired, both in mind and body, to go there just now but it was telling that the EMH had chosen to summon Tuvok to accompany her home. The first time that she could ever remember it not being Chakotay. And this one time she felt nothing but relief that it was another tall, dark and stoic man at her side.

—

Half an hour later and she was settled on her sofa with a cup of steaming Vulcan tea and a pile of egg sandwiches to fortify her. She had expected Tuvok to excuse himself at this point and leave her in peace to rest but instead he had replicated a second spice tea and sat on the far end of the sofa facing her. For a while neither spoke as she half heartedly consumed the obligatory sustenance and Tuvok sat, observing her in that unnerving way of his, and occasionally sipping at his tea. Finally, she could take it no more.

"Alright Tuvok, you win. Just say it and let's put today behind us once and for all."

He regarded her silently for a minute or two and then threw her completely off balance.

" You are wrong Kathryn, he would never disapprove. Edward Janeway was proud of his daughter and trusted her to make the right choices. He would not begrudge you this...out here."

It took her a moment to process and then it hit home. Tuvok was referring to Chakotay. More specifically her non-relationship with him. But Tuvok would never take it upon himself to pass judgment on her personal life, her innermost feelings...whatever had happened between Chakotay destroying her cherished book and her waking in sickbay to the evidence... was so bad that Tuvok had taken it upon himself to escort her home and confront her with...with wherever this bizarre conversation was headed. Whatever his intent, enough was enough. She was drawing a very clear line under this NOW.

"Forgive me Commander, but I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about and I'm really not feeling well enough to converse on any subject just now. Thank you for escorting me home. I promise to rest as per the Doctor's orders and will see you on the Bridge at 0700 in four days time. Dismissed."

There was a pregnant pause as she waited for him to take his leave but then - nothing happened! Tuvok remained seated and continued to regard her with those unfathomable dark eyes of his. Eyes that reminded her of...except that rather than regarding her warmly and silently encouraging, they remained impassive and impenetrable. When he next spoke there was an undercurrent of avuncular concern...or was she just imagining it?

"Kathryn, Captain. Both facets form the whole. You cannot function fully as one without the other. I know you, better than you know yourself. How many times have our minds melded? Sometimes to aid you and sometimes you have aided me. Five. Five times over the years and three of those instances since we have been stranded out here. I know...what truly keeps you apart."

How Tuvok had managed to detect a prejudice so deeply buried she did not know. Perhaps he had sensed the increased tension she had felt around Chakotay within the first few days after that alien had invaded her mind and tried to delude her that she was dead and he was her dearly departed father. That had been because of the events during their evening on the holographic Lake George, not...

"Tuvok" she consciously sat as upright as she was currently able and took a deep breath to regain control of her emotions. He was her dear friend and he meant well, but he was Vulcan. He would only respond to logic and a clear and cool head. Something that was going to take all her resolve to summon just now. "I have no idea what has precipitated this sudden concern for my...friendship...with Commander Chakotay but I assure you that all is well."

Before she had a chance to elaborate he cut her off.

"No Kathryn. It is far from well. He is far from well and so are you. All because you erroneously believe that your esteemed father, Admiral Edward Janeway, would not approve of Commander Chakotay as your life partner. You are wrong in this assumption. Remember, I knew the Admiral well, long before you were old enough to don your first cadet's uniform. He would have wanted you to choose wisely. A life partner who was your equal and could complement your strengths and challenge your weaknesses. You chose wisely in Justin and Mark, both of whom you know he approved of. Justin for being a fellow Fleet Officer, destined for the same career path as yourself, and Mark as a long standing family friend and an intellectual on a par with your father and yourself. Your heart has chosen wisely for a third time. Commander Chakotay complements you. His strengths lie where your weaknesses are greatest and vice versa. Regardless of his unconventional Starfleet career to date : your father would have respected him for it. His courage, his integrity and his undivided and absolute loyalty to you. Do not throw away something so precious for a false premise."

Kathryn had experienced the whole gamut of emotions as Tuvok was counselling her. Fear at being so exposed to him; shame of her deeply repressed bigotry being exposed - that Chakotay would be a disappointment to her family ; shock that Tuvok's picture of her father's reaction differed so much from her own; and ...underneath it all...a faint glimmer of...hope. If the one person aboard of whom she had been absolutely sure would not approve of her succumbing to her feelings, not only did not condemn her, but was actively giving her his blessing then... But no. She was still concussed and very shaken by what she had seen in sickbay. She must be reading more into this than Tuvok intended. Enough harm had been done already.

" Whilst I agree that my father would, under these extreme circumstances, understand my decision to merge the two crews - and yes I believe he would have agreed with it - there is no way he would condone a relationship between commanding officers on the same ship. Present circumstances included. I have not seen Commander Chakotay since I regained consciousness but I believe he may have been unduly distressed after the latest hostile encounter."

She forced herself to look up and meet Tuvok's gaze and in that instant knew that he had seen the remnants of her engagement gift strewn across sickbay. And, she strongly suspected, one Chakotay in the immediate aftermath.

Tuvok sat regarding her stoicly, at least on the surface. How much to tell her? Should he divulge what he had witnessed when Chakotay had not returned his hails from the Bridge? He had no wish to ...gossip...or to humiliate the Commander. A man he had once held in disdain but had come to admire and respect as the years had passed. A man he knew was as deeply committed to Kathryn Janeway as it was possible for another human being to be. He contemplated for a moment more and then made his decision. Kathryn Janeway's reckless streak had saved the day on more than one occasion out here. Perhaps it was time to show empathy and follow her example.

Tuvok stood and walked towards her facing the doors to leave. Just as he passed he stopped and placed his right hand on her shoulder before speaking "After he...he replicated another book. He then spent over eighteen hours reading to you non stop. From cover to cover at least twice. At which point the Doctor forced him out of sickbay accompanied by two security officers to escort him to his quarters to rest. The book was...Dante's Paradiso."

A moment later Kathryn heard the doors to her quarters slide shut leaving her alone to her thoughts. Only she had done much too much thinking already. Going around and around in circles. The proverbial circles of hell. How apt that book had been. Now HE had chosen to bring that existence to an end. And his chosen version of their future? ...Paradiso.

What was she waiting for? Emboldened and re-invigorated she rose from the coach and headed down the corridor to re-shape their future.

THE END

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