Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or the awesome Prussia.
A/N: I wrote this because I always thought Prussia would humiliate both Austria and Hungary at some point. Then I wondered what his reaction was when he found out that they were married. XD So this was made! I am a fan of AusHun and I love Prussia... so this resulted. XD Warning for Prussia's language. I used some of the curse words he'd usually say because it would be out of character if he said something without profanity. XD USUK is implied too. I just can't get enough of that pairing. Squint for PruHun too, by the way. I kinda made it vague that he had a crush on her. :D I hope you guys like it! Human names used. I hope they're not OOC. I really don't want that! Oh, and I made their dialog while thinking of their accents. I hope that's alright. :)
The Awesome Man's Speech
"Best Man is an insult for me. I prefer to be called ze Awesome Man and here is my awesome speech! So, Roddy, I didn't expect a wuss like you to get married!" In which Gilbert is the Bes… Awesome Man of Roderich and Elizaveta's wedding.
The sun was exceptionally brighter than usual in Austria. After a fantastic month filled with planning, Roderich Edelstein and Elizaveta Héderváry finally tied the knot and kissed each other in the altar with all the passion they could muster at that special moment. Everybody invited to the wedding applauded the union of the newlyweds and readied themselves for the reception. One man, in particular, fixed himself up before he proceeded to the reception with a devious smirk on his face.
The albino of the group sipped his champagne (he wished it was beer, but his brother complained about it even more) while watching his two friends dance together. Elizaveta looked stunning in her long, pearl-colored wedding gown which opposed her usual, unladylike get-up. He was thankful that the girl learned how to abandon her frying pan as well. Next, he turned to her husband, who seemed to sparkle more than usual in his white tuxedo. Gilbert Beilschmidt snickered as he saw one of his friends, Francis Bonnefoy, glare at Roderich. "He eez stealing my spotlight as ze most stunning male! How awful!" he heard Francis mutter to himself. Of course Roderich had to be stunning – it was his wedding after all.
He looked away from the newlyweds and turned to the other dancing couples. He spotted Alfred F. Jones, his American friend who had an ego as big as Gilbert's, trying to convince Arthur Kirkland, the grumpy Briton, to dance with him. He heard Arthur yell "git" and "wanker" countless times before Alfred managed to get him on his feet. "Just so you know, I'm doing this just so you would stop bothering me."
Gilbert rubbed his temples in annoyance. Arthur could be such a denying idiot at times. He heard Arthur curse as the couple passed him. "Bloody… ugh… the slow song's finished..."
Then he spotted his other friend, Antonio Fernandez Carriedo dancing with Lovino and Feliciano Vargas, his younger brother – Ludwig Beilschmidt, and a girl from Belgium. Antonio called her Bella or something. He noticed that Lovino managed to sneak in a small box of tomatoes and knew he was planning to do something to the Spaniard. Gilbert rolled his red eyes. It was typical of the temperamental Italian. He preferred Feliciano, who was happily dancing with his brother around the floor like an idiot. He snickered again when he saw Ludwig's horror-stricken expression. He had no idea how they were so different despite being related. Gilbert would have pride in saying he is an offspring of one of the last surviving Prussian families, while his brother preferred to be called a German.
Gilbert felt Francis leave the table and watched him eye down one of his soon-to-be lovers, as Gilbert predicted. However, he found the French man staring at him in anxiety. Gilbert mouthed a "Goodluck, arschloch" at Francis and released his signature "Kesesese!" laugh. He did Francis a favor as he managed to get the attention of his current target. Male or female, Gilbert didn't know.
He checked the other guests. There was Yao Wang and Kiku Honda, two Asian friends of his, taking pictures and admiring the elegant but neat presentation of the reception.
After a few minutes, he found himself surrounded with the rest of the guests that Roderich and Elizaveta filed under "close friends." The couple was busy flirting with each other, much to the surprise of Gilbert. But then, the only flirting Roderich managed was putting cake icing on Elizaveta's nose.
"Hey, brozer, I thought you're going to give your speech?" Ludwig said. Gilbert almost choked on his food, forgetting that Ludwig was beside him. "Don't do that!" Gilbert screeched. "I'm in ze middle of eating ze good dish!"
But thanks to Ludwig, Elizaveta's eyes glimmered with happiness. Of course! Gilbert was Roderich's best man! Or rather, hers, because she forced Roderich to choose him. Gilbert hadn't given his speech yet! She and Roderich looked at each other and nodded, grabbing Gilbert by his shoulders. The Prussian spat his drink in surprise.
"Hey! Just because it's your vedding doesn't mean you two can do zat to me!" Gilbert snarled. Elizaveta glared at him intensely, causing the man to regret what he said. "Vat do you two vant anyway?" he asked sheepishly.
"Ve vant to hear your speech," Roderich answered. Gilbert rolled his eyes. The least the man could do was say that with some emotion. However, he still sounded completely boring. Nonetheless, Gilbert escaped the death grip the couple unleashed on him and fixed his suit. He had to look the most awesome he could while giving his awesome speech, after all.
Gilbert made his way to the podium on the stage set up in front of the entire reception area. He cleared his throat and took out a piece of wrinkled paper with his absurd handwriting on it. He smirked and faced the people in front of him.
"Vell, I vas chosen to give zis best man speech. Best Man is an insult for me. I prefer to be called ze Awesome Man and here is my awesome speech!" he began. He noticed Ludwig slapping his forehead. The younger German obviously thought his brother was embarrassing by the way he decided to look away. "Hey, brozer, I speak ze truth! I am made of awesome!"
Everyone faced Ludwig, who was hiding his face behind Feliciano. Gilbert smirked and decided to continue his speech. "Anyvey… ve are all here to celebrate the vedding of Roderich and Elizaveta, are we not? So, Roddy, I didn't expect a wuss like you to get married! I am proud!"
Gilbert noticed Lovino trying to hold his laughter. Roderich used to have a hard time handling Lovino back in their younger years, so he requested the aid of Antonio. Maybe the Italian wanted to see the groom humiliated in his own wedding.
"Ahh, I remember ze good old days. Eliza vas zis girl… who didn't think she vas a girl. Ve used to go play fortress defending games and ze whatnot in her house and she vould always hit me vhen I do something wrong. She used to be very, very veird! Even Feliks agrees vith me before. Zhen ve met Roderich and Vash. Oh look, Vash is taking a video of my speech! You deserve praise for videoing ze awesomeness zat is me!"
The Swiss man in front of him gave him a thumbs up. Usually, Gilbert and Vash Zwingli didn't get along. But since it was Roderich's wedding, they could reconsider their relationship for a day. And if Vash couldn't resist his rage, maybe for a few hours.
"Anyvay, I remember ze first day Roddy arrived. I invited him to play with us, and he brought Vash just in case. Good thing he did, because Eliza beat him up vhen he managed to invade her fortress!"
He paused to check the reaction of both Elizaveta and Roderich. Roderich's shaking head rested on his hand. Elizaveta, on the other hand, was laughing as she pulled her husband closer to her. Feliks, the Polish childhood friend of theirs, grinned widely and obviously wanted to flaunt his "like, totally cool" presence just because his name was in the best man's speech.
"Vash here managed to push Eliza off Roddy and brought him home. Poor Roddy! Bet that kid vould freak out if he found out zat ze girl he'd marry in ze future is the one who gave him his first black eye!"
Eliza finally stopped laughing and glared at him. Gilbert found it awkward that his speech had more taunting notes. He decided to remove the brutal parts and pretended not to see the glaring bride.
"Kesesesese! Zen let's proceed to ze days vhen Eliza finally accepted she vas a girl. It was about vhen ve vere six, vhen ve started going to ze school. Roddy here was surprised zat a girl gave him his first black eye! I couldn't stop laughing for three straight days because he is zat stupid!" The families of the bride and groom wondered why they chose Gilbert to be the best man. "Ve still continued playing fortress though. And Eliza even suggested to buy toy veapons! She was so brutal vack zen! And, sad to say, she also got ze awesome me to have ze bruises, ze ouchies, and ze black eye. But Roddy's black eye vas darker! Kesesesese!"
He took a deep breath after laughing. Luckily for him, majority of the guests knew him and were quite entertained with his speech. He didn't notice Vash place his camera on a tripod because his younger sister, Lili, needed help on something. Alfred was on the verge of tears, probably trying to avoid the release of his laughter. But then he saw he was just being tickled by Arthur because the American tried to steal a kiss from him or something.
"Hey, lovebirds, stop vith ze mushy stuff! My awesome speech must be listened to!" he yelled. It was surprising that, not just Arthur and Alfred, but other friends of his bowed their heads. Well, at least he found out that there were more couples in the wedding reception than just the English-speaking duo.
"Vhen ve entered ze elementary school, Eliza and Roddy here became closer friends because Vash and Roddy had some stupid fight over ze attention of ze teacher ve had. C'mon, you two, zat teacher vas stupid. She mistook me for Feliks! But at least you two made up and… zat stupid fight is vhat started it all. Eliza started training ze wuss we now see as Roderich. Vash vas never able to train Roddy because Roddy was too wimpy, but I cannot imagine how Eliza managed to convince him. Awesome me, however, vas busy being awesome in school! I met two losers, Francis ze freaky Frenchie and Antonio ze tomato freak. Ve became friends, zough zey live in ze other side of ze town before. Zhey should thank me because zhey became awesome because of awesome me!"
Arthur and Lovino fell into laughing fits as the said friends of Gilbert started fuming.
"But even zo, ve still play fortress games. Zhat is, until Eliza stopped coming over. It started vhen ve vere in middle school. She became more girly! And vy girly, I mean zhat she started vearing skirts and flowers in her hair! Zhen she started hanging out more vith Roddy, who finally revealed he vas a wimp because he spends all his time playing ze piano. Zhough I must admit, his talent in playing ze piano is awesome. Not as awesome as me, zhough! Kesesese!"
Gilbert paused and looked at the audience, who were too quiet for his liking. He saw the thoughtful expressions on his friends' faces and the endearing looks Elizaveta sent to Roderich. Roderich, however, was surprisingly looking at Gilbert with a smile on his face.
"Vhen ve entered ze high school, ve all vent to ze World Academy, vhere ve met ozers like Arthur and Kiku and Ivan and many, many more. Actually, our entire class is here! Elizaveta became very friendly zo that explains zhat, and she barely threw punches… at girls! She still fought with boys, but only if zhey had done ze stupid things. Vhen ve vere high school, Francis, 'Tonio, and I formed ze group ve vere famous for."
"Bad Touch Trio!" yelled all his friends at one table.
"Kesesese! Because I vas so awesome, you vould never forget that!" he snorted. "Zo, since Roddy was still veak, I planned to invade his vital regions to teach him a lesson!" Elizaveta gave him a warning look, similar to what she would give him whenever she held her frying pan. He winced and decided to scratch out the following notes he made about beating up Roderich badly. "Doing zhat vas wrong… Eliza beat me up badly while Arthur took ze pleasure of beating Francis and Antonio vith his "pirate" methods, from vhat I remember. She also plucked awesome Gilbird's feathers! How brutal! Zo Roddy, now that you're her husband, teach her how to control ze bad temper she has. Or at least hide her frying pans and keep her away from ze awesome Gilbird."
Gilbert heard Roderich chuckle from afar. "Zo I realized zhat Eliza and Roddy are close. I have noticed zhat she often stayed over at Roddy's house to help him babysit ze little Vargas boys. Seriously zhough, being one year younger than us doesn't mean they need to have ze babysit time. Ve barely play anymore, zo I just observed zhem vhile ze awesome Bad Touch Trio dominated ze school."
"No, you haven't! I was student council president and you three always had detention under my reign!" Arthur said furiously. No one bothered to notice him, save for Kiku and Alfred.
"Nice try, Arthur. Anyvay, I vatched the two of you. I became distressed for Eliza because, you, Roddy, were too dense before! You loved ze piano in your house more zhan ze girl who always fought for you!"
Roderich was rubbing the nape of his neck in frustration. Gilbert knew that Roderich disliked being reminded on those times. "She also fixed your relationship vith Vash. Anyvay, since this is depressing for ze both of you, I'll move on. I vas happy vhen Eliza and I started becoming closer again, but she vas depressed because of Roddy. So I bullied Roddy again! It was zo fun, but Arthur kept on intruding his arschloch ass! I managed to get Roddy's attention vhen Arthur vas in a fight. I think brozer Ludwig, Feliciano and Lovino, and Kiku were fighting vith Arthur, Alfred, Ivan, Yao, and Francis. Ah, anyway, ze losers are not important in zis story. Because zhey vere busy fighting vith each other, I pretended to start fighting Roddy, and soon Eliza came in and slammed ze frying pan on my head. Vhen I voke up, ze two of them vere making ze kissy face in ze clinic! Gilbird vas traumatized thanks to zhem!"
Gilbert smiled when the crowd finally laughed and applauded. Now he knew that he had to tell stuff about their intimate moments. Too bad Gilbert preferred telling them the funnier sides of their relationship.
"It vent that vay. Zhey vere a couple. Everybody vas happy. Except for Arthur, maybe, because his vice-president vas busy making ze kissy face instead of fixing ze paperwork or vhatever he does."
"Hey! Those are lies!" Roderich screeched. "I vas busy vith my new piano composition, thank you very much."
"Vhatever you say! Anyvay, after ze high school years, I left to finish ze university years and work soon because I vas raising Luddy on my own. I barely get ze news from ze two of zhem, but Eliza often emails me or sends ze postcards I like. Zhen we had ze class reunion, vhich vas veird because a reunion happens after ten years. Ve had a reunion after, like, vhat, 7 years? Anyvay, that arschloch reunion vas just ten months ago. Soon, I received ze invite for zis wedding! And now I'm standing here, making ze speechy speechy."
The people started applauding, only to have Gilbert laugh. "Hey, people, I know I am awesome! But I'm not finished with ze speech! I wanted all of you to know ze story of ze newlyweds! Not all of you know before! Anyvay, I'm happy. I'm proud zat both of you finally tied ze knot and zat Eliza didn't bring her frying pan! So, Eliza, thank you for forcing ze broo… err, groom, to make me ze awesome man of your wedding! I vish you happiness, and zat your little brats would grow up to be awesome. But not as awesome as me! If you like, feel free to let me do ze babysitting! I vill teach zhem how to be awesome and not boring like Roddy over zhere."
The people started laughing, but Gilbert shushed them. "And Roddy. Ve ze best husband for Eliza. I know you can be. And be a good daddy to your kids. Do not let your piano come first vhen you finally have ze kiddies you and Eliza will make. And if you decide to make one later, don't forget ze basics."
Every perverted friend Gilbert had started laughing. He could hear Francis guffawing from a far distance. To his surprise, Roderich was whispering things to Elizaveta. Gilbert smirked at the opportunity.
"See! He is planning now! Vait for your private time to whisper things to Elizaveta, Roddy!" he teased. Roderich sprang away from Elizaveta with red ears.
"Anyvay… I'm happy. Thank you for inviting me to zhis vedding. The cake vas good. Although throw ze muffins. They taste bad."
"Hey! I made those!" Arthur screeched.
"Just as expected. Zo don't forget to call me if you need a babysitter for your soon-to-be brats. Oh, vait… brozer! Give me ze champagne glass!"
Ludwig came running towards him in a jiffy, holding a champagne glass filled halfway with champagne. "Get all your champagne glasses, losers! Awesome me wants all of us to make ze toast for ze new married couple!"
He left the stage and raised his glass. "To Elizaveta and Roderich!"
"To Elizaveta and Roderich!"
They all took a sip from their glasses as Gilbert smirked. "To ze married losers!"
Gilbert ran out of the wedding tent as the audience spat out their drinks and swore to hunt him down.
"And zat is ze reason vhy I don't vant Gilbert to be the best man."
"Oh, Roderich. He'll do a great job! Your imagination can be too veird sometimes."
"Seriously, Eliza. Ve knew him since ve vere children! I know he'd do something like zat! I do not vant to be called a loser at our wedding! I'd prefer Vash or Feliks!"
"Roddy, Gil is not like zat.
"Vant a bet?"
Elizaveta couldn't believe that she had to buy a brand new grand piano for Roderich. Maybe she should have made Vash the best man instead.
A/N: I couldn't resist a twisted ending such as that. XD Please R&R, no flames if possible. And thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this fic! :D