Preface
On the 24th November 2011 I created the group 'Wrex's Tea Party' on the Bioware Social Network website, stating that Lord Urdnot Wrex had invited the Lords and Ladies of the Milky Way galaxy to his grand tea party at Urdnot Manor. The following day I created a corresponding forum which quickly gained popularity, with many regular posters and a fun narrative was soon established. Over the following months, leading to up the release of Mass Effect 3, the group gained a fairly substantial following of around 300 members. Now, nearly five and a half years on I have decided to novelise the events that occurred during that time. As this is the first time I have written in quite some time, any constructive feedback would be much appreciated. Nonetheless, I hope you all enjoy this opening chapter.
Reader Discretion is Advised: The follow may cause uncontrollable urges to drink tea whilst extending one's pinkie finger. Pip pip.
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Chapter 1: "The Most Glorious Tea Party The Galaxy Has Ever Seen"
"Wrex would like to invite . . . Urdnot Manor, Tuchanka . . . the most glorious tea party the galaxy has ever seen . . . Rachni not welcome . . . Own transport required . . . Any unruly behaviour will result in a headbutt to the face" Lord Bigley quietly muttered to himself, whilst skimming through his invitation.
The large, pale brown skinned, deep blue crested krogan had been invited to Urdnot Manor, where Lord Urdnot Wrex was to host a tea party, for the most noble of folk inhabiting the Milky Way galaxy, in order to celebrate his new-found leadership and the civilisation of the Tuchankan people. The large krogan sat in the cockpit of his space fairing craft, staring down at the sandy brown planet below; it had been centuries since he had last set foot on his home-world. He thought back to his youth, about when he had left Tuchanka all those years ago, and made his way to the Citadel to make his fortune. Lost in his thoughts, Bigley was suddenly brought to his senses by a deep reptilian yap.
"Yes, yes Augustus", he said as he turned, peering behind his seat to face his faithful grey and blue varren companion, "we shall be there soon." The varren gave a seemingly goofy smile and yapped once more. "You silly mutt" Lord Bigley chuckled as he turned back, positioning himself comfortably in his seat. He preceded to tap a few of the glowing buttons on the holo-console hovering just above the dashboard, engaging the crafts thrusters and then began making his descent to the planet below.
As Lord Bigley exited his craft, he briefly hesitated before stepping onto the pebbled floor, eagerly followed by Augustus. As they made their way into the main courtyard, Bigley looked upon the grandeur and beauty of Urdnot Manor, an enormous, elegant building made of glass, wood and stone, surrounded by the lush greenery that a millennium ago would have engulfed the entire planet. Bigley strolled up the manor's steps to the entrance and was greeted by a young, well-dressed krogan.
"Invitation please sir" requested the young krogan. Lord Bigley presented his invitation to the krogan who in turn nodded and opened the pair of heavy, beautifully carved wooden doors leading into the manor.
"Thank you very much young man" Bigley said with a smile, as he handed the krogan a few credits and proceeded to walk through the doors. "Come now Augustus" he called with a backwards glance. The varren had been amusing himself by chasing a few of the local wild pyjaks around the courtyard, but immediately stopped when called and briskly walked towards his master, and followed him into the manor with the doors being firmly closed behind them.
Lord Bigley stood inside the main hall of Urdnot Manor in a daze; it was so such more ore inspiring than he could have ever imagined. Noble Lords and Ladies filled the hall, gathered in groups of varying sizes, constisting of krogan, asari, turians, salarians, humans and many other races that inhabit the known galaxy, all conversing, laughing and being merry. Lord Bigley turned his vision skyward and gazed up at the ceiling; it was covered in a great mural depicting the greatest krogan Battlemasters and Warlords of old. Hanging from the centre was a beautiful chandelier, each gem seemingly hand crafted to perfection.
"Well, well. Good morning, my fine sir" spoke a familiar voice. Bigley brought his eyes down from the ceiling to meet the large eyed gaze of a green skinned salarian gentleman.
Lord Kingston! My good golly", Bigley exclaimed, "It has been far too long old chap, how the devil have you been?". The salarian gave Bigley a wide smile, took his extended hand and firmly shook it.
"I have been very well my dear friend, business is booming, new avenues are being opened, the wife is expecting and life is generally quite dandy. And how, may I ask, have you been Lord Bigley?".
"That is absolutely marvellous my friend, I am glad to hear business is going well and congratulations for the soon to be new-born", replied Bigley, "myself, I have been quite well also, the Citadel has plenty to keep me occupied and it is ever so wonderful to be back on my home-world!"
"I am quite sure it is, and in such a beautiful part of the planet may I add. Now, Lord Bigley, if you would be so kind to come with me, I have someone I would quite like to introduce you to" Lord Kingston said warmly.
"Well, as much as I do look forward to meeting new acquaintances at this here tea party, how about a nice cup of tea first?" replied Lord Bigley with a smile.
Lords Bigley and Kingston did indeed then proceed to enjoy a cup of tea, and a even scone, together from one of the many banquet tables laid out in the great hall with Augustus following along closely, sneakily stealing one of the scones. Once finished they began making their way through Urdnot Manor, the Lords chatting with one another as they traversed through the grand hallways, greeting other guests as they passed by. They soon reached the rear of the building, exiting through a pair of large glass doors, into the manor's fabulous garden. The garden was filled with large and beautiful exotic flowers, hedges neatly trimmed into the shapes of various creatures of Tuchanka, stone pathways weaving through the freshly cut grass, banquet tables filled with a range of delicacies from all over the galaxy and most importantly, tea!
Kingston lead Bigley through the garden, passing many more guests until they reached its rear. Meanwhile, Augustus had scampered off after a rogue pyjak that had stolen a crumpet from one of the banquet tables. The Lords came to a badminton court where a crowd of spectators had gathered. On the court, there was a light grey turian with red facial markings playing against a dark brown skinned salarian; the pair was vigorously going back and forth, but it appeared that the salarian was beginning to tire. The turian, seemingly noticing this, gave a powerful swing propelling the shuttlecock past the salarian before he even had time to blink. The crowd erupted in applause, some even exclaiming words of praise such as "marvellous", "how wonderful", "absolutely splendid" and the like, but the crowd soon began to disperse. Kingston then lead Bigley over to the turian, who now had a glass of florescent purple liquid in his hand.
"Just to warn you Lord Bigley, he tends to be a quite . . . tactile" Kingston whispered. "Lord Galar", Kingston called, "jolly good show, that was absolutely riveting".
"Ah, Lord Kingston, it is tremendous to see you", Galar said affectionately as swung his arms around the salarian, "and who may I ask is this fine gentleman with you" Lord Galar asked gesturing towards Bigley.
"This is my dear friend Lord, and a personal acquaintance of our gracious host Lord Urdnot may I add" Kingston replied.
"It is wonderful to meet Lord Bigley" Galar said as he attempted to embrace Bigley, spilling some of his drink onto the floor.
"And you my good sir" replied Lord Bigley as he gently patted the turian on the back whilst smirking at Lord Kingston, who couldn't help but quietly chuckle to himself.
For a while the trio wandered around the garden conversing, discussing politics, business and what not, allowing Bigley and Galar a chance to get better acquainted until the turian excused himself, promising to reconvene with the Lords after changing back into his formal wear. As Lord Galar headed back into the manor, Lords Bigley and Kingston walked over to one the many banquet tables and began to converse with some of the other guests whilst perusing the fine delicacies available, adding a selection of them to their gold trimmed plates. Just as the pair were about to tuck in, they heard a commotion coming from behind them; as Lord Bigley turned to see what the fuss was about, his eyes widened, jaw crept open and his plate slipped from his hand and tumbled to the floor; he watched as – tearing through the garden and weaving around shocked guests – Augustus came bounding along with a robotic appendage grasped in his jaw. Hopping along behind was a one-legged synthetic . . . a geth! 'What in the world was a Geth doing at Urdnot Manor?' Bigley briefly thought to himself before noticing a male quarian in a black and gold enviro-suit holding a slender black cane in one hand and a glass of green liquid in the other, who was following closely behind.
The now partially angered and partially embarrassed krogan stepped into the varren's path and boomed "AUGUSTUS! Stop at once!".
Augustus came skidding to a halt mere inches from his master's feet. Lord Bigley snatched the leg from Augustus' mouth who then gave a whimper and his best 'puppy dog' eyes hoping not to be scolded, but alas, this proved to be to no avail. The quarian approached with the geth in tow.
"So this is your playful little devil" the quarian chuckled.
"I am ever so sorry" Bigley said, now completely filled with embarrassment, "By any chance does this belong to your…" Bigley continued as he held the half leg in both hands as he extended it towards the quarian.
"Ah, yes it belongs to my butler Borris" said the Quarian still chuckling.
"Once again, I am dreadfully sorry for my insolent hound's behaviour" Bigley repeated as he handed the leg to the geth as it hopped towards him.
"Oh, my good fellow, do not be so concerned, Borris here is quite skilled in maintenance and if the leg is beyond repair it is no matter, I have many more bodies Borris can be uploaded into if required" replied the quarian. "Now Borris, please return to the ship and repair yourself and perhaps, seeing as you two have become somewhat acquainted, you could take Augustus here with you so that he doesn't get himself into any more mischief, if that is what the gentlemen wishes".
"Yes, of course my Lord" the geth replied. Looking rather flustered, Bigley managed to muster "Err…yes…yes please. That is ever so kind of you", he turned to Augustus and, gesturing towards Borris, commanded, "now you behave yourself and go with this fellow here, you understand". Augustus barked excitedly and followed the geth out of the garden. Lord Bigley went on to apologise to the remainder of the guests for the ruckus that Augustus had caused before returning to the quarian Lord and being joined by Lord Kingston.
"Well, that was interesting to say the least" said Kingston with a smile.
"I suppose that is one way to look at it, this is…" said a rather more composed Bigley whilst gesturing towards the quarian. "Oh my, I do apologise. It seems I have neglected to ask you your name",
"Enough with the apologies my good man. I am Lord Penxworth, and who might you two fine sirs be?" asked Penxworth.
"I am Lord Bigley and this is my good friend Lord Kingston" the krogan replied.
"Splendid, it is a pleasure to meet you both" Penxworth said shaking the hands of Bigley and then Kingston.
"And you, good sir" Kingston said with a smile, just as a voice echoed out over the garden; it was coming from the manor's mounted speakers cleverly disguised into the exterior so as not to be seen.
The voice spoke confidently "Our gracious host Lord Urdnot Wrex would like to invite all who wish to attend to the annual Grand Tuchankan Hunt. Anyone who wishes to participate must come to the main hall to register. The hunt begins in precisely one hour at noon, at the Hunting Grounds gates to the left of the manor. Please do come prepared as the beasts can be quite dangerous. Please direct any further questions to the registrar. Thank you", which led to several of the guests to promptly exit the garden, re-entering the manor.
"Well I do say, doesn't that sound exciting?" Penxworth exclaimed "Perhaps you two gentlemen would like to join me in the hunt? I dare say combined we would make a formidable little hunting party".
"That sounds like a marvellous idea, what do say Lord Kingston?" asked Bigley.
"Oh yes, a marvellous idea indeed, and perhaps we could invite Lord Galar along too, I hear he does enjoy the thrill of the hunt" replied Lord Kingston.
"The turian fellow who played that riveting game of badminton earlier? Yes, he does seem like quite a spritely fellow, I do believe he would make an excellent addition to our party" said Penxworth gleefully "shall we proceed back into the manor?".
"Indeed. But first I do believe that I require another cup of tea" Lord Bigley replied "And maybe crumpet or two".
One pot of tea and several crumpets later the group made their way into the manor. As the group walked the halls they came across Lord Galar who was warmly introduced to Lord Penxworth who embraced the turian as he did the two other Lords and graciously accepted the request to join them in the grand hunt. Upon entering the main hall, the party of four headed to the booth, behind which a female krogan was seated and registering all those who wished to take part in the hunt. Lord Penxworth eagerly registered first, quickly followed by Lord Galar, Lord Kingsley and finally Lord Bigley who then turned around to re-join his companions who had gathered together by one of the banquet tables. He caught the gaze of a beautiful asari woman wearing a long, elegant, deep purple dress, who had been standing in line behind him.
For a moment, he simply stood there, awe struck until the asari finally politely asked "are you quite alright?".
Lord Bigley, trying to regain his senses, simply replied "Err… y-yes, thank you".
"Well then", she said elegantly, "would you please excuse me, I intend to register for the hunt".
"O-of course" Bigley muttered, stepping to one side "I am Lord Bigley" he continued, beginning to feel slightly more like himself. "Could I possibly… please… if it is not too much trouble, enquire as to your name?".
The asari smiled sweetly and said "I am Lady Ria'Tayo Rahna, but you may call me Lady Ria if you wish. I do hope to see you in the hunting grounds". With that parting remark, Lady Ria'Tayo gracefully passed the krogan and smiled, continuing to the table. Lord Bigley straightened himself and began to walk over to his comrades, wondering to himself why he came over all of a fluster; this sort of thing doesn't happen to him because, for one thing, he's a krogan! He reached his fellow Lords who had been watching from the table they were seated at, clearly trying to hide their amusement.
"Did everything go smoothly Lord Bigley?" a grinning Lord Kingston asked.
"Yes, yes, it all went well thank you" replied Lord Bigley. "Splendid" said Lord Galar who too was now grinning. "Did you happen to meet anybody… nice?" asked Lord Penxworth, who Bigley assumed was also smiling beneath his helmet.
"You may jest, my dear fellows but there was something about her that really was quite… endearing" said Lord Bigley. The other Lords looked to one another and began to chuckle; Bigley could not stop a smile from appearing upon his face and began to laugh along with his companions. Once the Lords had composed themselves the krogan spoke once again, "Come now my friends, let us prepare for the hunt. There are some almighty and savage creatures that reside on Tuchanka and we must be ready… But perhaps one more cup of tea first?"
. . .