Alright one more before I disappear.
DC owns all the things.
Publishinghouse-Five, or: The Amazon's Crusade
Diana of Themyscira has come unstuck in time.
As a temporally challenged individual, Diana had been slipping through different yet overwhelmingly exciting moments in her life, all of which were detailed vividly and emotionally in one of many tie-ins connected to this story. Rest assured they most certainly would have been worth the read if they had simply been included here, in this story, but alas they aren't.
So it goes.
Diana didn't particularly like the, for lack of a better term, vibe she was getting from the place she currently found herself in. It was somewhere completely alien; a world that gnawed repeatedly at her sanity, and filled her with a sinister dread unmatched except for that one incident with Philipus that she was forbidden to talk about. The bold letters above the door in front of her spelled out a word that only added to her discomfort;
DC COMICS
She didn't like the sound of that, nor did she like the fact that she was currently staring at a pin-up of herself, her breasts fully protruding out far enough that one would think she had difficulty getting through doors (to say nothing of the grotesque angle her spine was bending). She also, strangely, had the urge to point out that our current understanding of time implied that the phrase "wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff" was a far more accurate way to describe the concept of time than many people gave it credit for, and that any displacement from the time space continuum would, naturally, result in the creation of a completely different timeline indistinguishable from an alternate universe, thus allowing for the underlying joke of the story to work, but for the life of her she didn't know why she had such an odd urge in the first place. Maybe it was the fumes.
Seeing no other alternative, she walked through the large doors leading into the lobby, unsure of what to expect. Would she be noticed immediately? Would alarm bells be rung? Clearly she was in a universe devoid of those blessed with superpowers; how would they react if they knew Wonder Woman walked amongst them?
Strangely, she was completely ignored. She didn't know whether to be relieved or completely insulted. Maybe it was the clothes she was wearing, though she wasn't exactly sure what she had appeared with this time. There wasn't a mirror around, so she had no way to describe her appearance. None what so ever.
The offices were fairly non-descript; there were the usual number of people bustling about and the usual number of people with their thumbs up their asses pretending to be bustling. Things seemed a little more casual, what with the amount of comic book memorabilia adorning what would otherwise have been very plain and dull white walls. She had to admit, it was weird seeing pictures of Batman comics instead of Grey Ghost comics, but she supposed it couldn't possibly get any weirder.
That was when the universe decided to prove her wrong.
A man with enormous glasses and mustache, along with a second man who, if the pictures on google are to be believed looks incredibly ordinary, decided to be the first people to notice that Diana had entered the building, and casually strode up beside her.
"Hey there, are you lost?" the one with the mustache asked.
For a second, Diana wanted to answer with you have no idea, but instead merely replied with, "A little. I don't think I'm in the right place."
The ordinary one gave her an incredulous look, stroking a beard that may or may not have existed back in the year 2000. "You look familiar…what's your name, if I can ask?"
If her experiences with secret identities in all those tie in comics to this story had taught her anything, it was that there was one, singular, important rule; don't blow it. So, she decided to give them a name that no one in the building would ever have heard of.
"Donna….Donna Troy." She replied.
"Donna…Donna…" the mustachioed one rolled the name around in his mind, "Oh! You must be our new editor! Excellent, Dave and I were actually just on our way to meet you."
"Oh…good, good. I'm…glad things managed to fall into place." Diana stated, making sure to keep her conviction levels strong. Dave, at the very least, seemed more placated now, while his eventual partner in crime continued.
"Well, why don't we head up to your office, and we can start talking about the little problem he and I are having with the comic."
"Sure, yes that sounds like a good idea." She replied, perfectly aware that she had no idea who she was impersonating, nor where this office might actually be. She glanced around the halls, searching for something that might give her a hint as to where she was supposed to go, but mercifully the legendarily unfriendly business model of DC Comics managed to come to her rescue for once in her publication history.
"I'm guessing they didn't tell you where your office is?" 'Dave' questioned, "Don't feel bad, they had Karen running around in circles for at least three hours before they showed her to her work station."
That didn't make her feel any better what so ever about the situation she was in, but none-the-less she put on her best smile, and trailed behind the two gentlemen as they led her through the labyrinth that was DC Comics, all the while wondering why her she continued to grow more and more uncomfortable the further they walked.
…
…
…
After a short conversation with the world's most unhelpful receptionist (and a flattering comment from 'Dave' about her having a future career in diplomacy after she managed to convince the hippopotamus of a woman to not strangle the one with the mustache, who she found out was named 'Doug'), they found themselves seated in a rather cramped office, with a rather beaten up door that said Elseworld's Associate Editor in rather plain letters. It became clear to her that this 'Doug' was the writer of the group while 'Dave' was the artist, as 'Doug' espoused loudly about the merits of purple prose while 'Dave' made several comments about "big tittied superheronies".
As a feminist and a purveyor of art, she wasn't sure which one she found more offensive.
"So, here's the problem Donna," Doug began, "we have this great idea planned, but we've both hit a bit of a creative wall here…"
"You've hit a creative wall." Dave corrected.
"Hey I write with the Marvel Method jackass, this is on you too!"
"Boys, hey, let's keep it civil here," Diana interrupted with a waving hand, "butting heads like a couple of rams isn't going to help anything." She was impressed with herself at how easily she had slipped into this editor's role, though so long as she wasn't forced to do any writing it couldn't turn out too bad. Editors didn't write storylines right? RIGHT?!
"Alright alright, sorry." They conceded in unison. Doug continued after they stopped looking sheepish. Still doesn't help our little problem though."
"What exactly is your idea, first and foremost?" Diana pulled out a notepad from a drawer she didn't know existed until about three seconds ago. "We can start from there and start working out the kinks together."
Dough and Dave shared a glance before nodding in agreement. Doug, again, started speaking first. "Ok, so what we've got is this idea where, out of nowhere, all the superheroes in the world just lose their powers!"
Interesting, though Diana felt her stomach start to churn harder.
"And…that's it so far."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"You're a credit to the force, Doug." Dave pined in.
"Go fuck a cactus Dave!"
"Hey!" Diana banged her hand on the table, "what did I say about being civil?"
"Sorry."
"Sorry Ms. Troy. It is Ms. right?"
Ignoring that last comment, Diana leapt off the desk and began to pace the room, fully engrossed in the idea of being an editor. "What you need to do is approach it tactically; think about how each individual would react to having any and all powers vanish from the face of the Earth. Even the ones not directly affected."
Dave pondered this for a second. "I bet Batman would be running around laughing at everyone."
"Doubtful." Diana disagreed, having known the man for quite some time.
"Yeah, and I bet everyone would be begging him for help too!" Doug exclaimed far louder than anyone was comfortable with.
"That's also doubtful, many of u…these heroes are far more than just their powers."
Doug and Dave gave each other another glance, this time with a smirk on both their faces.
"Nah, Superman'd be a pussy without his powers." Doug chimed in.
"And Wonder Woman is just Supes with tits anyways." Dave exclaimed. Diana nearly destroyed the desk at that comment. Tweedle Dee and his brother continued.
"Bet that stupid Green Lantern would finally get his stupid face brought down a level or two."
"While Hal is very much a disagreeable person sometimes, he….."
"And we'd show them that Martian Manhunter ain't that cool! Not cooler than Batman anyways!"
"Why are you guys making this into some sort of rivalry thing?"
It was rapid fire dialogue now; the two yucksters (a perfectly cromulent word) would chime in an idea, leaving Diana to see just how far she could stretch her already thin patience (what with that incident involving a Parent's Group that you would have seen in the tie ins).
"Oh!" Doug leapt from his chair like a leapfrog on Viagra, "I bet Lois would leave Superman too!"
Diana was nearly seething now. They had crossed a line. "What in the name of Hades would make you think that?"
"And I bet he'd shack up with Wonder Woman too!"
Diana vomited into a waste bucket. Like most writers and artists at DC, they didn't seem to register what they were doing to her. Dave added his own two cents.
"And she could turn Catholic!"
Diana vomited again.
"Oh and Dr. Fate would totally have to lose his powers too!"
Diana managed to wipe the last of the bile off her lips, though her regal outer wall had completely collapsed at this point. With balls of fire growing in her eyes, she stared down the writer and artist team. "Dr. Fate is magic! I-Wonder Woman is magic! Superman isn't! Exactly how are you going to explain the differences in origin when everyone's powers are whipped out?"
Doug and Dave halted their tirade against decency, seemingly aware for the first time in that office that there was a growing assortment of holes in their plans that, if left unchecked, would consume the whole like a vicious cancer.
That was, until, they merely shrugged, and Doug voiced, "We were just going to say that God did it."
Diana's eyes widened as the pieces began to fall in place. "Oh no….."
"Yeah," added Dave, "that's why it's called 'Act of God' after all…"
With that, Diana felt herself being lurched forward through both time and space, with an ever present feeling of pure terror following her every tumbling step. When she re-entered existence, she found herself standing outside a church (a Catholic one if the statue of Mary was any indication), dressed reasonably, but feeling completely and utterly hollow. Except for a growing urge to be a stock broker.
She vomited into a bush for the third time.
Above her, a little bird tweeted its little heart away. "Poo-tee-weet." It sang. And to everyone, that's exactly what it would have sounded like, poo-tee-weet.
But to Diana, who could talk to animals, it was a very dire warning.
"You think this is bad," it said, "just wait until DiDio and Lee get here!"
And then everything was terrible, and no one could remember how to write.
I think my "My god what have I done" moment is when I realized I write post-modernist fanfiction.
And that's terrible.