~ Move ~
Sirius Black & Marlene McKinnon
It's almost raining today, the clouds are heavy and grey and covering everything.
Lily says it's fitting. I don't think it fits at all.
It doesn't fit you.
Nothing about this day is fitting.
Lily and your cousin - I don't know her name, should I be sorry? You'd probably just smack my arm and then laugh and tell me her name, but I'd forget it second later - They've done a... job on this. I don't want to say it's a good job but I guess its .. ''fitting''.
Even the chairs are black. But still there are flowers, white flowers.
Just white. No vibrant colors, I need the vibrant colors. You were all vibrant colors. Yellow - golden hair, red Gryffindor t-shirt - So Gryffindor, so ... colorful. You were colors, not just black and white. Never just Black and white.
I don't think Lily gets that, or maybe she does, maybe she doesn't want this to be like you, maybe that's too hard.
I don't know.
The house is packed. And I really mean packed; You'd laugh and say you don't even know half of this people but it turns out they know you.
I'm sitting in the front, next to James, he's comforting Lily.
I hate it. Sitting in the front. We used to sit in the back together, remember that, huh McKinnon?
We hated funerals, and we hated them together.
Remember when Dorcas Meadowes died? Everyone cried - well we didn't cry. Or you did cry, didn't you? In the bathroom while nobody saw? I think you did, I never asked.
It's stupid to ask it now, when you can't answer. Can you even hear me? Again: Stupid.
But that's what we were.. Stupid I mean, stupid and fools and too much into taking risks.
Drink beer, party hard, take risks - fuck everyone and everything.
That was us. Right?
There have been tons of speeches. They started all fine, but then end in tears.
I can't stand it, watching them cry. Is it okay if I close my eyes?
James has been eyeing me for a while. He wants me to stand up and hold a speech.
I'm sorry that I can't do that. What should I say?
"Thank you Marlene, for the amazing shags"
I think the remaining of your family... friends... people... whatever, would really love that would they?
Probably not.
But there isn't anything to say.
Lily's speech was fine; she said some true things about you. It was nice. Until she broke into tears, James had to go up there and.. help her finish.
Everyone is crying around me. I hate it. But I can't walk out in the middle of a funeral can I?
Why are you so bloody still?
You are just lying there in that casket. Yellow curls as yellow as usually, you are dressed in white, which is unusual, you never dressed in white, because when you did your clothes would always come back black - in dirt.
God damn it McKinnon. Move. Stop being so awfully still. Sit up, wave at me, wink, send me that "I'll see you later" smirk. Anything.
I'll let you ride my motorcycle... alone if you just do something.
Now you really have to move.
Look, just move okay? Just move a finger. Please.
I'll do anything, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blaming you for all the things I couldn't do.
Move.
They are lowering you down.
This is fucking it Marlene! MOVE! GOD DAMN IT MOVE!
... Your cousin - I still don't remember the name, sorry - is talking to me, her voice is muffled and her eyes are puffy and red.
She wants me to tell her that I miss you, that I love you and cannot think of anything more than I want than just you.
I don't know what to tell her.
I know she wants me to say those things... maybe even say that I will never look at another girl again.
I tell her the first things, not the last one. I cannot lie to a person in her own cousin's funeral can I?
I can't even lie to you. You've only been dead for a week, but there have been others.
James calls it my way to drown my sorrows I don't give a fuck what it's called. I just know I'm never going to feel you again, never going to have you in my bed, your body against mine. Never again.
All because you couldn't blood move.
When you think about it, your death was a lot better than Benji Fenwicks death, I mean... killed in your sleep? What a boring death.
You were fighting, to the last minute I was told. Fighting for your family, for yourself.
It's nice to think about it. Not that nice is a nice word over anything right now.
I want a dignified death, not just.. died in a car crash. I want to die like I lived.
Like you did, died like you lived. In a battle.
It was always life or death for us.
I must be crazy, talking to myself and actually thinking I might be talking to you. I know what must come soon. The end.
I must say goodbye to you. Let go of it all.
But what can I say?
I'm sorry?
I am ... I am really sorry, for all the things.. for sometimes using you, for letting you use me, for escaping the real world with you. For never telling you what you wanted to hear, for never knowing if I felt what you wanted me to feel.
Can you come back? If I say I'm sorry, will you come back?
Will you wake up and realize you are not supposed to be gone?
Will it do anything? Will it matter?
What if I tell you that I... That .. That I may actually have loved you?
... Guess not.
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