I don't know why, but I've been in the mood to write a lot recently. And since I've been reading a lot of BTR/James angst lately, I felt a desire to write this!
I'd like to point out right now that all the descriptions in this story may not be entirely medically accurate. I'll call it creative license, but it's really me struggling to remember info from health class and doing about as much research as a wikipedia page provides. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy the story! This is my first time writing for BTR, so if you could review and tell me what you thought, I'd be eternally grateful.
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.
Magic Paper
James is at one of Guitar Dude's parties when he splits up from the rest of Big Time Rush. He wanders off to find some food by himself, and Guitar Dude offers him something – he's not sure what. But he follows the eccentric's instructions, figuring it can't hurt to try something new. He's right – about a half an hour later, whatever it was Guitar Dude gave him finally kicks in.
It like he's in a whole new world. Beautiful rainbow colors beam off the walls, shimmering with iridescent hues. The floor ripples and breathes. People move in slow motion, followed by shimmering trails of fairy dust. James feels disconnected from his body, like he's walking on air, just an inch off the ground. The party around him is almost muted.
It's beautiful.
[-]
For the next week, all James can think about is his magical world. He doesn't tell anyone, even his bandmates, because he's afraid he'll lose the wonder. Instead, he holds his secret in, tight against his chest, and it finds a warm place in his heart.
Reality seems harsh and abrasive. James didn't know you could travel to a magical world and still remain grounded. Now that he's done it, he wants it again. He wants the experience, the feeling of disembodiment, the colors.
When Guitar Dude throws another party, he attends even when his friends decline. He's hoping that, maybe, he can get a bit of that secret world again.
He does. He asks Guitar Dude for the same thing he was given last time, and Guitar Dude obliges.
James thinks maybe he's seeing a slice of heaven.
[-]
When Guitar Dude approaches him with more of the "magic paper" as James calls it, he finds out most people know it by the name "acid." It doesn't sound nearly as pretty as "magic paper," but James decides that it'll do.
He's heard of something called "angel dust." He wonders what it does to deserve such a pretty name.
Maybe Guitar Dude can give him some to try.
[-]
Kendall asks him why he always insists on going to Guitar Dude's parties. James tells him they're different from other parties. He likes them more.
He doesn't mention the acid. Something tells him Kendall would disapprove.
[-]
He's just had a stressful rehearsal with Gustavo, and James, more than anything else, wants to escape the world, just for a little while. He feels like everything is too loud, too harsh.
He wants the pretty colors.
Guitar Dude isn't surprised when James asks for some acid. He tells him that if he's going to be regular, he'll have to pay. James tells him he doesn't mind.
But when the effects of the "magic paper" finally begin, something feels wrong. The world isn't beautiful or gentle or bubbly, but cold and gray. James begins to shiver slightly at a cold wind that has appeared out of nowhere. He's inside; there should be no wind. He doesn't understand why the acid isn't working.
The ground, rippling like a long carpet, suddenly begins to crack and moan. James jumps up from his bed and stares aghast. The floor regards him for a moment, then begins to open up, forming a gaping abyss. James stumbles backwards, frantically trying to reach the door to his bedroom, to avoid falling down the gaping crack. He stumbles through the threshold frantically, almost sprinting out of the apartment. He's in the elevator when he realizes the divide is following him.
Taking the stairs instead, James pounds outside. No one else seems to notice the earth attempting to swallow him whole.
He takes shelter in an alley two blocks away from the Palm Woods. He cowers for almost two hours before the abyss closes. Shaking slightly, he begins to walk back to the apartment, only to find that the palm trees lining the street have grown faces, grotesque distortions of human proportions. They whisper jeering words as he walks along.
James takes refuge in apartment 2J for the next four hours. The walls scream and howl, and he thinks maybe he's crying, but he can't tell, because he feels disconnected from his body. He hears Kendall, Carlos, and Logan talking and laughing in another room, but he can't bring himself to leave his bed and join them. Their words may as well be another language anyway, for all James understands them.
When Kendall enters their shared bedroom, James looks away. Not to be dissuaded, his best friend grabs his shoulder and makes James look him in the eye.
James doesn't know what's worse: his magical world gone awry or the pain on Kendall's face.
[-]
A week later, James decides Guitar Dude gave him faulty acid. Nothing that could cause experiences as wonderful as he's had could hurt him. And besides, he misses the colors.
James is tired of being scared. When he forks over the cash to pay Guitar Dude, he feels apprehensive. When circles and squares dance in front of him, he decides he was just being stupid.
The colors pulsate and glimmer. The fairy dust floats in the air. James thinks maybe he's flying.
Nothing as wonderful as this could be bad.
[-]
When Kendall approaches him about how distant he's been recently, Carlos and Logan flanking his either side, James thinks he's lucky to have such good friends. Of course, they're interfering in something he has under control, but it's the thought that counts. He decides he can trust them with his secret, about the wonders of the "magic paper."
James never cared much for sharing, but sharing with his friends isn't bad.
Carlos looks curious. Logan looks like he's thinking. And Kendall looks angry.
More than angry, actually. Kendall looks like he wants to strangle James.
James doesn't understand why.
[-]
When Logan announces the next day that James has been taking something called "LSD," Kendall is at James's side in a flash, dragging him over to Logan's computer. The monitor displays website after website with information on the drug LSD, more commonly known as acid.
Logan tells him about panic attacks, flashbacks, and ego death. All James can see is that it has no permanent effects on the brain or other parts of the human body. It's not physically addictive. No one had ever died from it.
It's not a drug if it doesn't hurt you permanently, James decides. The word "drug" holds bad connotations. His acid isn't a drug.
It's magic.
[-]
It's been another stressful day when James uses more of the acid. He expects relaxation, bliss, and beauty. He expects gorgeous colors.
What he gets is a nightmare.
Kendall finds him an hour into his trip, shaking and crying on the floor of their shared bedroom. James can barely see him though, past the piles of dead, rotting bodies. They cover the ground and his bed and the whole world, and they're all horrific. Half-exposed bone gleams, eroded skin still clinging to it. On some, there are still rotting eyeballs, staring at him. James swears they're moving.
There are piles on piles of corpses. They're horrible and disgusting and James doesn't know what he can do to escape them.
When he comes down off of the trip, he finds himself wrapped firmly in Kendall's arms, shaking, blubbering, and entirely unbeautiful.
[-]
Kendall tells the others, of course. Logan tells him that what happened is called a "bad trip." James decides that "bad" hardly describes it.
Logan also tells him that a bad trip can happen any time he uses acid.
James knows he can't take another bad trip.
He vows to his friends he'll stop using the acid, stop trying to attain the strange and beautiful world it entails. To support him, Kendall gets them all memberships to a nearby gym, a gym that has a huge pool, because Kendall's heard that exercise is a good distraction for people involved in drugs.
James decides he likes swimming athletically as well as recreationally. He never swam much in Minnesota. It was too cold.
When he's underwater, it's almost like he's still using acid. They're not the same, but they inspire the same feelings in James. The way the light dances on the bottom of the pool in small bands of white holds him captive in awe; the muting sensation of the water relaxes him more than acid ever could. The bluish tint of the chlorinated water paints the world strange shades.
It's not a rainbow, but it'll do.
[-]
James doesn't go to Guitar Dude's parties for almost a month. Whenever the world seems too sharp or harsh, he goes swimming at the gym, just doing laps. Sometimes Carlos, who also took to swimming, goes with him.
It works for a while.
Mentally, James still desires the colors, the shapes and patterns, the sensation of the earth around him breathing. He knows he can't go back to them, but he can enjoy the memories. They really were beautiful.
Sometimes, James craves the colorful world of acid so badly he wants to scream.
Finally, though, he decides to attend one of Guitar Dude's parties again. Kendall sticks to his side like glue, but James doesn't mind too much. It's probably for the best, anyhow.
When Guitar Dude sees him, he raises a questioning eyebrow, but James shakes his head no.
He knows Kendall's proud of him.
[-]
It's been around five weeks since his bad trip when it happens. James is playing video games with Carlos and Kendall while Logan makes comments about their pathetic strategies. Everything seems normal.
And suddenly, James is tripping.
The colors dance before his eyes, geometric shapes crawl along the walls. He's sure the video game controller in his hand is changing shape.
The realization makes him drop it with a clatter.
Carlos asks him if he's okay, but even though James tries to respond, he feels disconnected from his body, like he can't make his mouth move to reply. There are lights dancing in front of his eyes, and they're pretty, so pretty. He wants to reach out and touch one.
He'd forgotten how amazing his magical world was.
[-]
Kendall is furious. After shouting himself raw at James for taking more acid, despite James's protests, he drops down on the couch next to him in angry silence. Logan's working furiously on his laptop, researching LSD again. Carlos is on James's other side, looking unsure of himself, like he doesn't know what he should be doing.
When Logan explains about flashbacks and how random they are, James feels sick. Essentially, he can feel like he's tripping at any moment in time, with no forewarning. It could happen when he's playing video games with his friends or when he's performing live with the band in front of a screaming crowd.
Anytime. Anyplace. Anywhere.
Kendall apologizes hoarsely for shouting. James nods his head silently, accepting the apology without a thought. He'll always forgive Kendall. They're best friends. It's what they do.
[-]
James experiences two more flashbacks over the next month. Each one tantalizes him with memories of his magical world. All it would take is one conversation with Guitar Dude to bring it back.
One time he almost gives in. Only the thought of his friends holds him back. He can just imagine the hurt look on Carlos's face, Logan's frustration, and Kendall's wildly passionate fury and disappointment.
He knows reality will be even worse.
James holds himself back. Instead, he buys a tie-dye shirt.
[-]
Logan mentions that LSD was a big influence on the hippie movement. James understands.
[-]
James swims more and more frequently. He hasn't had a flashback in almost three month, and now he's swimming more for the exercise and tranquility it gives him.
When he has a flashback in the pool, it's not even a flashback to the colors. Instead, he flashes back to a bad trip. He can't breathe, can't control his body. He feels like he's drowning. The water is tinged red, with blood. There's fire burning all around him. The pool is laughing at him.
Kendall tells him later that if he hadn't been there, James most likely would have drowned. James knows Kendall only came along because he "just felt like he should", because Kendall had mentioned it earlier as a piece of conversational trivia.
He thanks whatever deities there may be that Kendall has good instincts.
[-]
When James goes the rest of the year without a flashback, he's more than amazed.
In the meantime, the band has taken off, and they've gathered a huge fanbase. They have a concert tour planned across the country for the summer. Gustavo want them to record a Christmas album for the upcoming holiday season.
Life is good.
Sometimes, James still misses the colors. He misses the magical sense of wonderment they gave him, along with everything else that occurred on his trips. But he knows he's better off with acid. After Halloween, he had nightmares for a week about the dead bodies he saw in his second bad trip.
He goes to parties. Sometimes he sees Guitar Dude giving others acid just like he gave him just a year ago. It makes him upset, but whenever he tries to dissuade someone from using it, they give him an odd look and ignore his warning. They tell him to stop spoiling their fun.
James hopes that they have friends as good as his. He knows he wouldn't have been able to stop using acid without his bandmates.
It hadn't been an addiction in the medical sense of the word. If it were, he'd have had a harder time quitting. He would have gone through withdrawal symptoms much more miserable than just flashbacks. Medically speaking, no, he hadn't been addicted to acid.
Mentally… that was another story.
James had been addicted. He knew it, deep in his heart. If he'd continued, he would have ended up some place much worse than he did. He knew Guitar Dude had wanted to introduce him to other drugs.
He'd been addicted to a drug.
James would never stop regretting it.
Thank God for his friends.