A/N: Hey everyone! I finally finished my Christmas fic (with less than 20 minutes to spare). I hope you all like it. :) As always, read, review, and enjoy! You can contact me on here or at Hesitant_Writer on Twitter!
Thanks!
I own no one.
Lights glistened, snow calmly fell, and a steaming cup of tea warmed her hands as she gazed out the window of what was their apartment. The city had never looked so beautiful.
She always loved the city at Christmastime, even if she had no one to celebrate with, like she hadn't for so long. Last year they went to the Bahamas, and while it was a perfect, romantic getaway for them, she missed the city. She missed the magic that seemed to be present everywhere in the Big Apple.
New York may have been home to some of the most horrid criminals, but it knew how to have a great holiday season. Starting from Thanksgiving all the way through New Year's, New York could throw one hell of a party.
She had never really been anywhere else until she went to the Bahamas. She had everything she ever needed in New York. It's not like she had a family that she needed to be near, she could go wherever she wanted without many consequences, but she continued to stay in Manhattan. It was her home.
That was something she really enjoyed about Brian, the fact that he liked to get out. He was just as hardworking and as determined as she was, but knew when to take a step back, take a break from it all. If it weren't for him, she never would've gone anywhere last Christmas.
Everyday Brian tried to show her new things. He tried to show her how much more to life there was outside of work. She had been married to the job for too long and frankly, she had a sense he wanted to take over the position.
Olivia could feel it whenever he was around her. There was this unspoken question he was dying to ask but just couldn't find the right words or moment to actually ask it. The other day when she was putting their laundry away she found a little velvet box hidden in his underwear drawer. Rolling her eyes at the unoriginality that was Brian some times, she contemplated peeking into the box. She thought about it for a while but just couldn't bring herself to do it. She wasn't sure she was ready to know for sure that Brian was willing and wanted to take the next step with her. She was already going through so much, she wasn't even sure how she'd answer.
She loved Brian, more than she could ever explain, nothing would ever change that, but things were hard for her at the moment. She hoped he didn't have plans to pop the question anytime soon.
She hoped, but she had a feeling she would be wrong. Christmas was almost here and what a better time to ask someone to marry them in a romantic way than around Christmas? Brian wasn't much for romance, but when it came to her, he made it a point to show a much softer side of him. It was a softer side she needed to see. With everything that happened with Lewis, she needed someone who could be gentle and easy with her. Brian immediately stepped up to the plate and began to shed the tough guy image he always carried with him.
Well, he shed it just for her, really.
The attack wasn't just hard for her; it was also terrifying for him. He made it a point to tell her how much he cared as soon as he saw her, and many times after that.
Olivia already knew Brian cared about her, but it was still nice to hear him say it.
As she continued to think about Brian and their relationship, she heard him walk into the apartment. "Hey, Babe," he said as he walked over to her, giving her a sweet kiss, "How was your day?"
"Good," she answered.
As Brian made his way over to the kitchen to grab himself a beer, he furrowed his brows at her, "You okay?"
"What? Oh yeah," she said.
He gave her a questioning look, but decided to drop it for now. He had big plans for them tonight. It was Christmas Eve, one of the downfalls of working in the NYPD, you worked almost everyday, even Christmas Eve.
He remembered their conversation from last week, Olivia had confessed something to him and he was not only shocked, but came up with a great idea for their Christmas Eve plans.
The couple walked hand in hand down the street. Upon reaching Rockefeller Plaza, they stopped for a minute to watch the skaters. Brian loved skating, he played hockey in high school and his heart still belonged to the ice. He hadn't been skating recently, mostly because he didn't have anyone to skate with, but now he had Olivia.
Well, he thought he did.
"I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this," she started, "but I've never skated on this ice before."
Brian looked over at her shocked. "I'm sorry. Did my girlfriend who is practically glued to the city of New York really just say she's never skated on Rockefeller Plaza?"
"It's not that big of a deal," she said embarrassed.
"I'm just surprised is all," he said pulling her a little closer to him. "How come? You don't like skating?"
She buried her face into his shoulder a little, "I don't know how."
"Well," he said picking her chin up so she could look at him, "I played hockey in high school. I'll be your teacher."
"It's a date," she smiled.
Brian couldn't wait to get Olivia out to skate. He looked forward to taking her hands and guiding her around the rink. He looked forward to being out on the ice again himself. There wasn't much more he missed than cutting the blades and making a little snow.
The only thing that made him nervous was Olivia's mood tonight. He hoped she was just tired, but he feared she might decide she didn't want to go out, ruining all of his plans for their evening.
"So, I was thinking…" he trailed off.
"Hmm," she said from her tea still looking out the window.
"It's a nice night to go out. The snow isn't supposed to be bad, just a dusting. We could go for a walk again after dinner like we did last week. That was fun, right?" Brian was desperate to get Olivia out of the house whenever he could. She never seemed to want to do anything anymore and it worried him. He knew she was under stress from everything, but she still needed to go out and do normal things. She needed to have fun, it would help her heal.
"It's kind of cold," she said.
"C'mon Liv, just for a little while? It doesn't have to be a long walk. I just want to spend some time with you…outside the apartment." He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Burying his face into her hair he sighed, "Please, Baby?"
She sighed, she wanted to go out but at the same time she didn't. She was all over the place lately and she knew it was affecting Brian. She knew she wasn't being fair to him. She turned in his embrace to face him, her hand not holding her cup of tea caressing his arm, "Sure thing, we can even stop and get something to eat on our walk. Somewhere cheap and easy. Maybe just grab sandwiches or something portable?"
He smiled, "Yeah," he said kissing her softly, "I like that idea."
After a little persuading, his plan was finally set in motion.
Once their "elegant" dinner was finished, the happy couple continued their walk toward Rockefeller Plaza. Brian, of course, had no intention of telling Olivia where they were going or what he had planned for them. She seemed to be in an off mood tonight. He knew she would protest going skating if he asked her to.
As they got closer and closer to the plaza, Brian grew more and more nervous. He didn't play Olivia as a fool, she would figure out where they were going and probably wouldn't be too happy about it. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point.
That's how things were lately. He would try his hardest to make her happy but always seemed to fall short. He wanted nothing more than to see her smile, but he saw the light in her eyes less and less. He hoped tonight he could change that.
Finally they had reached their destination. Olivia watched the skaters wide-eyed. Brian laughed a little as he watched her. No matter where they went or what season it was, they were always watching some activity. Whether it be roller bladers in the park or ice skaters in the rink, she was always captivated by the talent.
The talent she believed she didn't possess.
Part of Brian's plans for the evening was to make her realize her potential. Not just in skating, but in everything. Ever since Lewis, she tended to doubt her abilities. Olivia Benson was an independent woman who could do anything and pretty much everything on her own. She was a superwoman.
Lately she had forgotten that.
Brian leaned toward her and kissed the side of her head. He wrapped his arms around her and put his lips to her ear. "You said it was a date. Why not tonight?"
She looked at him shocked. Somehow her eyes were even wider than they were before. She remembered him offering to teach her how to skate. She was stunned he was actually serious when he suggested it. Her nerves started to build and she began to feel numbness in her hands.
"It looks kind of busy tonight, maybe not the best time for lessons," she whispered.
He sighed; he knew this would happen. "Give it a chance? For me, please?"
She looked back at the ice and thought about it. What was wrong with her? Here Brian was trying to give her a nice evening and she was doing everything she could to ruin it.
She then remembered the velvet box.
This was the set up. The beginning to their perfect evening that would end in a question she wasn't ready to hear or answer.
Knowing it would break his heart, she shook her head. "You promised me a short walk."
He sighed in disappointment. He knew she would react this way. It was times like this that he wondered why he even tried to do anything nice for her. She had become so difficult lately. He knew it wasn't entirely her fault, but couldn't help but feel frustrated and defeated by her lack of adventure or wonder.
"Is she serious?" he thought to himself, "I'm not letting this one go. She won't even go ice-skating? Ice-skating. Really?"
She continued to watch the skaters as she felt Brian fume next to her. She couldn't look at him. She knew he would be upset, but this was nothing compared to how he'd feel if she couldn't respond to his admittance of love she feared coming at the end of the evening.
She was just saving him in the long run.
"Olivia," he said quietly, "Look at me, please?"
She turned her face toward him, nervous of what he'd look like when she did.
"Give me just one reason as to why you don't want to do this." His eyes were piercing; they would cut through any excuse she tried to give. So she stuck with the truth.
"I don't know how to skate. I'll probably fall on my ass at least twice. Do I want to do that with a hundred people watching? Not really."
He looked at her, really looked at her. He knew she was telling the truth but just didn't see that as a good enough excuse to disregard his plans. She made a promise and tonight was his way of making her keep it. "You serious right now? So what if you fall? I'll catch you."
She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the skaters. Gently, Brian grabbed her chin and turned her face to look at him again.
"I'm sure there are plenty of people on that ice who have never skated before. It's not stopping them. If you don't do things that are new and maybe a little scary for you, you're not living correctly," he stated somewhat frustrated, "What are you scared of, Liv?"
Her wide eyes looked at him. She couldn't answer his question. She wasn't afraid to skate, she was afraid of what was to come afterward. How was she supposed to say, "Oh I'm just afraid of you proposing at the end of the night and me not being able to agree to marry you," without sounding like a complete bitch, or snoop for that matter?
She then realized that there was a chance he wouldn't propose tonight. Maybe he had it saved for tomorrow? New Year's? The holiday season doesn't just end with Christmas. He had plenty of opportunity to ask for her hand. Maybe she would be ready by then. Maybe he knows she's not ready now.
"It might not be tonight," she reasoned with herself, "or ever. You don't even know what's in that box."
She looked into Brian's eyes and smiled. "As long as you promise to catch me," she said, "I'm not afraid of anything."
He pulled her close to him in a tight hug and kissed her forehead. "I love you so much, you know that?" he asked. "It might not seem like a big deal, but this is to me."
She laughed, "I know, Mr. Right Wing, I know."
He smiled and grabbed her hand leading her into line.
She laced up her skates with nervous hands. She was slightly disappointed in herself for being so nervous. Brian was someone she could be completely comfortable around. She knew he wouldn't let her fall, not in front of so many people. She was excited when he first told her he would teach her, but now she dreaded the thought.
"Don't think about the box," she thought to herself, "You don't even know if there's a ring in it. It could be a necklace. It could a pair of earrings. It could be anything."
Brian looked at her and noticed she was deep in thought. "You ready?" he asked holding out his hand for her to take.
She snapped her gaze to him and smiled slightly. "Ready as I'll ever be."
He smiled at her and lightly kissed her cheek. "You chase after perps for a living. You'll be able to skate."
She smirked at him, "Oh really?" she asked sarcastically.
"Yeah," he smiled, "Hell, the ice doesn't even move. Skating's probably easier."
She laughed as he led her out onto the ice. He stood on her left side keeping her closer to the wall in case she needed it for support. He held her hand and gently talked her through the steps to successful skating.
Olivia felt at ease. Skating definitely wasn't as difficult as she had thought it would be. Brian was also a great teacher. He was patient with her. At one point he even skated backwards in front of her so he could hold her hands while she found her bearings.
The hour they spent on the ice was enjoyable for both. Olivia hadn't stopped smiling the whole time and Brian had noticed. She was a great skater considering it was her first time, she had worried over nothing.
It was nearing midnight and Brian couldn't wait to give Olivia her present. Granted it wasn't a trip to the Bahamas like last year, but he knew she would still like it.
Brian hailed them a cab to bring them back to their apartment. Neither wanted to walk after walking around the city and all of the skating they did that night.
Brian opened the door of the cab and allowed Olivia to get in first. She gave the cab driver the address to their apartment as Brian sat in the back seat next to her. He reached over and took her hand in his. "You have fun?" he asked.
She smiled, "Yeah, I did. Thank you for making me go out, and for making me ice skate," she paused, "and for getting a cab to take us home because my feet are so tired!"
He laughed and brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, "You're welcome."
As the cab neared their apartment Olivia's brain was in over drive. She could only think about the box. She stressed about how she would answer Brian if he asked her to marry him. She didn't want to say no, but wasn't ready to say yes, either. Her brain was split and her heart torn. She had no idea how she would get out of this one.
"Liv?" Brian asked, snapping her out of her reverie. She looked over at him puzzled. "You ready to get out?" he asked, "We're here and the cab's paid for."
She was shocked at how quickly they had gotten home. She didn't even remember the cab turning onto their street. "Ye-yeah," she stuttered, "Sorry I was just thinking."
He smiled at her, "It's okay. Let's head inside and warm up," he said taking her hand and leading her out of the cab and up to their door.
The closer she got to their apartment the more her heart began to pound. Her chest almost hurt with anticipation. Once inside their home, she took off for the bathroom to collect herself. She splashed a little cold water on her face and took a few sips from her hands. She patted her face dry and took a deep breath. As she slowly exhaled she heard Brian from the living room.
"Honey, when you're ready I want to give you one of your presents."
"Okay, I'll be right out," she replied. Her heart's pace picked up again. "Wait," she thought to herself, "he said one of my presents. Maybe it won't be tonight." She began to feel a little better until she realized that if it didn't happen that night it would happen the next morning…She most likely wouldn't be ready then, either.
Panic set in and she knew she needed to go out and meet Brian in the other room. She had no more reasons to stall the inevitable. Worst-case scenario she would break Brian's heart in a matter of a few minutes.
She rolled her eyes, "Some great looking odds," she thought to herself.
She walked into the living room to find Brian sitting on the couch with a box in hand. It was too big to be the infamous velvet box she had been stressing over the entire evening. She looked at him quizzically and sat down next to him.
He silently handed her the box. He would explain everything to her once she opened it.
Olivia unwrapped the box and carefully removed the lid. Inside there was a beautiful white gold charm bracelet that featured just two little charms on it. One was of a palm tree; the other was of a little pair of ice skates.
She held the bracelet in her left hand and ran her right index finger over the chain and charms. She smiled at Brian, "This is beautiful, Bri. Thank you."
He leaned towards her and kissed her softly. "Now do you see why I wanted you to skate so badly?" he asked.
She narrowed her eyes at him and then looked back at the bracelet. Suddenly she realized what he meant. She looked back up at him and smiled. "Our last two Christmas Eves," she said tearfully.
"Yeah," he smiled taking the bracelet from her and putting on her wrist, "Every year from now on I'm going to buy you a new charm for this bracelet and the charm will remind you of what we did that Christmas Eve." He held her hand in his and ran his thumb over her knuckles. "I want us to do something new every Christmas Eve. Try something different. It'll be a little tradition for us."
Olivia couldn't even believe her ears. This was the most thoughtful and romantic gift she had ever been given. "I love you so much," she cried throwing her arms around him. "This was so thoughtful, I love it," she finished admiring the new jewelry hanging from her wrist.
"I'm glad you like it," he beamed. Tears continued to roll down her face as he gently wiped them away. "Come on now, it's not that nice," he joked.
She laughed a little, "It's just- now don't take offense to this," she started, "but I thought you were going to propose tonight."
He looked at her shocked, he wasn't entirely sure how to reply to her statement.
"It's not that I don't like this," she said quickly referencing her bracelet, "I just thought with the skating and all that you were setting the stage for a proposal and I'll be honest Brian, I'm really glad you didn't."
He continued to stare into her eyes and she feared what she was trying to say wasn't getting through to him.
Panic set in. "It's not that I don't want to marry you," she said, "I'm just not ready for that right now. There's a lot going on and I wasn't sure what I would do if-"
Finally, Brian cut her off. She found his lips crashed against hers in a passionate kiss that made her crave him. When air was needed the two separated. Brian rested his forehead against hers.
"I know you're not ready," he said, "I'm not ready, either. I love you and would want nothing more than to be able to call you my wife, but the time's not right. When it is, we'll know. Until then, we have our new little tradition," he smiled at her.
Olivia sighed in relief. She could not have been more thrilled with the conversation that just took place. This is why she loved Brian, he understood her and was gentle with her. He may have wanted to marry her tomorrow but was also in no rush. He never wanted to pressure her. Their relationship had always been stress-free. Both of them were pretty laid back. They trusted each other but didn't smother each other, either.
Brian leaned forward again and pressed his lips to hers. "Now where were we?" he mumbled against her.
She sighed contently as she felt him move his lips to her neck. "Hmm, you'll have to remind me," she whispered seductively.
In one swoop, Brian picked her up and carried her into their bedroom. Gently, he laid her down on the bed and crawled on top of her, fusing his lips with hers again. His hands made their way under her shirt and began to pull it over her head. Once her top was discarded onto the floor, Brian linked his hands with hers over her head and brought his lips to hers once more. He didn't want to rush the evening. He wanted to take his time showing her just how much he loved her.
He felt his wrist press against her new bracelet. He gently broke their kiss and gazed happily at the woman lying underneath him.
"Merry Christmas, Baby," he whispered.
"Merry Christmas, Brian," she smiled.
His lips met hers again once more, and this time they never parted.
Epilogue
Olivia proudly wore her bracelet everyday much like how she wore her Fearlessness necklace everyday. She practically felt naked without either of them. It had been about two months and the talk of marriage had yet to come up again. Brian was right, when they were ready, they would know.
But that was the thing, Olivia was ready.
The trial was over. Lewis was sentenced to life in prison with no parole. Brian had been her rock the entire time; she honestly had no idea how she would have gotten through it without him. She couldn't wait to put everything behind her so she could get a fresh start at life with Brian.
If he had taught her anything it was that there's always a chance to try something different, learn something new, and start over. She never thought she'd be this happy after everything that had happened, but lately she couldn't keep a smile off her face.
It was early February. Valentine's Day was coming up and she couldn't wait to see what plans her and Brian would make for the occasion. This year they would be celebrating on the actual holiday, unlike last year when they celebrated a week early.
As she put away their laundry she opened Brian's drawer and found the little velvet box again. This time she wasn't afraid to look inside. She went to open the box when she suddenly stopped and put the box back in the drawer. She didn't want to ruin the surprise of what the ring would look like. She didn't want to have to fake anything when Brian proposed, whenever he decided that would be.
As she put the rest of their laundry away, Brian came into the apartment. "Where's my favorite girl?" he called from the living room.
"Folding your underwear," she joked.
He laughed and made his way to their bedroom. He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He placed a small kiss on the back of her head and said, "Hi Baby."
She smiled, "Hi."
"I missed you today," he whispered as he rested his chin on her shoulder.
"I missed you, too."
He kissed her cheek and unwrapped his hands from her waist as he made his way to the bathroom. He turned toward her again, "Oh hey, Valentine's Day next week? Make sure you're ready to leave by 6:45. I got us reservations for 7," he said.
"To where?" she asked excited.
"You'll see. Don't worry you'll like it. I got big plans for the night."
"Does it involve ice? Or skates? Or ice skating?" she asked skeptically.
"Well, now that wouldn't be much of a surprise would it?" he said as he began to undo his tie.
"Hmm, I guess not," she grinned at him.
He laughed, "Don't worry. I promise you'll like it. No stress, right?"
"Right," she beamed at him.
"Besides," he said, "you're ready." He winked and walked into the bathroom.
She dropped the socks she was matching onto their bed.
She was ready. He was ready. They were ready.
It scared the hell out of her, but she'd be more concerned if it didn't.
Life was supposed to scare you, or you weren't doing it right.
I hope you all enjoyed! I also hope you all had a Merry Christmas (if you celebrate). Please review! You can contact me on here or at Hesitant_Writer on Twitter. Thanks! :)