Title: Nameless
Rating: M because, well… have you seen the cast of Firefly?
Summary: While relaxing at a space station, Malcolm Reynolds receives a piece of mail from the last person he'd ever expect – Saffron. Dying in prison, she begs Mal to deliver an enclosed letter to Durran. The consequences of such an act force everyone on Serenity to reexamine their lives.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is God. I am merely a humble human.
Author's Note: This is pre-film because I just can't handle Wash dying. I just can't. I'm sorry. So we're just going to pretend that the show was never cancelled. Okay? Okay.
I do not agree with this exercise.
I understand the reasons Simon wants me to do this, and I know that Shepherd Book was only trying to help when he gave Simon the idea, but that does not change facts.
I hate writing.
So there.
Simon says that I used to love composition; he says that I would study languages, and codes, and even make up some of my own. I don't remember. I do remember writing him letters with secret messages. I remember begging him to help.
I do not like writing down my thoughts where people can find them.
People tend to use me.
But Simon promised that this would be kept safe, and that no one would read it without my permission except for Jayne. If I use a plethora of expressions that are exceedingly difficult to comprehend, however, he will be incapable of deducing their significance, rendering these terms anodyne.
Don't tell anyone, but I sometimes use complicated terms just to watch their jaws go slack. It's funny to feel their thoughts soften with surprise, and then dart around as they search for understanding. Zoe just stares at me, deciphering my meaning. She has seen too much to be startled by a little girl with big words. Simon is used to it, so he just blinks and figures it out. Kaylee and Jayne are funny, because their mouths pop open just a little. Jayne's eyes bug out sometimes, too. Mal's jaw just clenches a little, but Inara is rather nice about it. She just smiles politely until she can think of a way to respond. Always remain poised; never show an emotion your client does not wish to see.
That's her thought, not mine. I sensed it a couple of times. She learned it while training at the temple.
Wash is smart; he thinks of a retort to give back to me when he doesn't understand. That kept him alive. Make 'em laugh.
That's his thought. It's a fragment, a part of a larger thought, but I wasn't really paying attention so I didn't get all of it. Just that one loud piece.
People think very loudly. It's not polite.
Do most people write about the weather in their journals? People are rather obsessed with weather. It is the ideal icebreaker or conversation starter at parties. At least, that's what I remember from the parties I went to. That was back at the Core.
That was long ago.
If so, this will be very boring. The weather here is always the same. Black. Stars, of course, but we never get close to them. The black is very pretty. There are many analogies you can give to describe the stars, and the dark space.
Diamonds scattered on black velvet.
Pearls on the bottom of a deep ocean.
Holes into Heaven, so that the angels can watch us.
That's not mine. That's from church back home.
Fireflies, dancing in the night sky…
We're on a Firefly.
We dance in the sky.
Simon is calling me. It's dinnertime. I don't want to eat, but I think I'll have a few bites today. It makes him happy when I eat, and I very much want Simon to be happy.
Kaylee could make him happy.
Simon is calling again.
::::::::::::::::::::::::
Here is how dinner went:
"River, please eat three more bites. Just three, okay?"
"Here, we'll make it a game!" Kaylee loves games. She loves playing games with me. I'm glad. "We'll be pigs and stuff our faces, and I bet I can eat it all before you!"
I like Kaylee.
Simon is confused. "Wait – what?" He doesn't understand that it's fun to be silly. Kaylee likes it. I like it. It makes me feel safe, like I'm back at home.
"One, two, three!"
Kaylee and I dig into the food, no forks or anything, just plopping our faces into it and tearing it all off with our mouths. Halfway through we start laughing, and we nearly choke. There is food all over Kaylee's face, and some bits in her hair.
She looks adorable.
Simon. He really must learn to keep his thoughts about her quieter. I can hear them from the other side of the ship sometimes.
You don't want to know about the times he dreams about her. He's my brother. It's a little sick.
"Wash, I checked the logs and we should be landin' in…" Mal pauses, because he's seen Kaylee and me. "What in the gorram…?"
"We're pigs, Cap'n!" Kaylee announces.
Mal is deciding whether he should make a joke or just leave the room. He knows that neither will work, though. Sometimes I think Mal is smarter than all of us. But then I look at Inara and I think he's kind of dumb. Mal chooses to sit down at the end of the table.
Inara suddenly looks up, straight ahead at the wall. Inara is leaving.
I have to get out. Companions cannot have attachments.
Inara is so lonely. All Companions are lonely.
Nandi wasn't lonely. She made a family. Inara's made a family. It scares her. Sometimes her fear is so strong that I can almost smell it.
Sometimes I hate knowing what people are thinking. Sometimes, I wish that I could do something about it, like throwing my arms around Inara and hugging her tight and tell her she's safe. It's what Simon does for me. But she'll know I'm kind of lying, because nobody can promise you that. Not even Simon can promise me that.
It's strange, how we're all in the same situation. It would be funny, except… it's not.
It's not funny at all.
:::::::::::::::::::
Why in the 'verse would anyone want to create a food that you can't eat? Jayne finds it funny that my Ice Planet was so problematic, but I do not see the humor in being unable to consume your meal. Even if it is full of cream and sugar and I shouldn't be eating it anyway, as Simon says.
Simon says is also a game. I remember playing it with the other children. Simon says, Simon says, Simon…
No.
Simon did not say.
Those are false. They are in the garden, outside, with the too calm lady as the teacher and us all in white. Those are not real. The games are not real.
Simon…
I must find Simon. I don't know what is real, I don't know what isn't, and the children are laughing in my head but it's not laughter, now they are screaming…
Screaming…
Screaming…
Simon!
:::::::::::::::::::
I am better now. I apologize to any future readers (although there shouldn't be – I am looking at you, potential children that I may or may not have) if they were startled by my behavior.
I am not alone in my head.
Today we went to a space station. That is where I got my Ice Planet. Inara bought it for me. Inara has lots of money from her clients, but she does not spend it on much. She has to give some of it to the Guild, but the rest she keeps. It's in a pretty little wooden box in a drawer in her shuttle. It's a puzzle box. Nobody who does not know the puzzle can open it. I can. Mal can, too, although he has never seen Inara's money box. He used to have a puzzle box, too, at home on the ranch before he left for war.
His thoughts are not as loud as Simon's, but they are deep. So deep, that sometimes I worry they are digging trenches in his brain and making him a mite crazy.
Inara likes to buy things for Kaylee and me. She would buy things for Zoe, but Zoe won't let her. She can't buy things for Wash, because Wash is married. I do not know why that means no presents for Wash. I must not get married so that people can keep buying me things. Inara bought something for Simon, once, but Simon is too proud. She knows that it makes him uncomfortable. She does not buy things for Jayne because she does not like him very much. I do not think anyone likes Jayne very much.
That must be sad for Jayne. I am not sure but I think that somewhere deep inside, where even my brain cannot find it, there is a lot of sadness in Jayne.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, that surely someone like Jayne must be the easiest to read.
He is not.
His surface thoughts are easy, but his true thoughts are not. He does not understand why he does things, and if he cannot than how can I?
Humans are very strange.
Inara does not buy things for Shepherd Book because she does not know what to buy him. Except when she bought him a new Bible, but she made me give it to him and say that it was from me.
I said I was sorry about tearing up the pages. He seemed to like that better than the new Bible.
Then he gave me his old one and said that I could fix whatever I liked. I have solved quite a lot of discrepancies in quantum mechanics and the space-time continuum that are contained in that book. Did you know that Jesus could change his mass density at will? It is the only possible explanation for being able to walk on water and ascend into the sky without the help of complex machinery.
I tried to change my mass density, but Mal told me to step away from the ship engine and if he caught me with that number of live batteries again he would kill me himself.
Inara wants to buy things for Mal.
But she doesn't.
Why don't people do the things that they want? Why do they stop themselves? Do they think that they are not worth it? Are they scared?
I could tell them. I could tell them that they do not know what scared is. I could tell them that they should always do what they want, as long as it is not something terrible like rape or murder or talking in the theater during the movie.
Shepherd Book is big on that one.
But I digress. That is a new word that I learned today. I like it. Di-gress – intransitive verb. Dai'gres. To move off the central topic. To deviate, wander, or stray. Chinese symbols: 偏 離 主 題
We went to the mail station to pick up any letters or packages. I did not think it was a good idea. The last time we went to check the mail, a lot of disastrous things happened. Jayne got this awful hat that he wore all the time and it gave me nightmares. I do not know what I would have done if his mother sent him a sweater this time.
Oh, and something happened with a man coming back to life and then dying again. Like Jesus, only he was not as handsome as I think Jesus was. That man was quite popular with women, did you know? They were always coming up and touching his garments and things.
But we went to get the mail anyway. The space stations are rather like big shopping malls used to be on Earth-That-Was. Kaylee loves Earth-That-Was. She is always trying to learn more about it. There are lots of shops and people selling things on space stations. The last time there was even a dead baby cow. That was my favorite part. I was sad to see that there were no dead animals in jars this time, so I had to try and eat my Ice Planet instead.
There was nothing exciting as a dead man or as scary as a horrid mother-made hat this time. Simon didn't get any mail. He didn't want to check but I made him. What if our parents are worried about us and want to write to every mail station in the 'verse to find us and ask us to come back home and they are sorry they didn't believe Simon or me and they love us and they'll let us eat ice cream all day if we just come home please? How are we supposed to know if we do not check?
Inara did not get any mail. She always seems to know when she is getting mail and did not expect any, so she was not surprised. Jayne got an apple and another letter from his mother. Shepherd Book did not get any mail. Wash did not get any mail. Zoe did not get any mail. Kaylee got a nice fat letter from her family. She has three older brothers and a mom and a dad and they all write her all the time, especially her mom who misses her like crazy and wants to know when she is going to get married and settle down and stop flying through the 'verse gorram it! Love you, kisses, xoxo Mommy
Then came the surprise.
Mal got mail.
Everyone was awful nervous, because the last time that Mal got mail it came to life and caused us a heap of trouble, as Mal says. But it was just a letter, so everybody kind of chuckled and Wash said something about it being a bomb. But Inara watched Mal's face. She always watches his face.
"Mal?" She asked. "What's wrong?"
"It's from a prison." Mal's face always does this thing when he isn't sure what's going on but has an instinct that he's not going to like it when he finds out what it is. Mal has very good instincts. "Who do we know in prison?"
"Not anymore, sir." Zoe informed him.
"Anymore?" Wash is very good at being uncomfortable.
Mal waved the letter around like it was a cheap fan. I have seen nice fans and cheap fans and I know the difference. Some have lovely Chinese verses on them, like poems or pieces on how to behave. They always tell ladies to be demure and meek and sweet. I looked up 'demure'. I do not like what it means. People who are demure get killed real quick in the black.
"I think we should get back to Serenity before we make anymore talk of this, Mal." Shepherd Book said.
Mal listens to the Shepherd even if he pretends that he doesn't.
There's a cross on a necklace in Zoe's treasure box. It's Mal's. He threw it away after the Battle of Serenity Valley, but Zoe kept it. She's waiting to give it to him when he's ready to believe again.
Wash is the only person who is supposed to know. But I do.
Why do I know things that I'm not supposed to? It's not fair. I don't want these whispers in my head. I don't want to know these things. Not because they are bad, but because they are secret. Zoe told Wash about the necklace while she was crying and she talked about the war and dying friends and I should not know this. It is not my right to know. But I do.
I wish I could cut open my head and tip it and empty out all of the memories that are not mine.
So Mal went onto the ship and we all followed, because that is how it works. He opened it while we all sat down at the kitchen table. I don't think that he would normally want us to be there while he opened a letter but he was confused and did not know whom it was from so he did not mind so much.
His face was rather funny when he saw whom it was from.
"Sir?" Zoe always calls him that. Old habits die hard.
"We're not in trouble, are we?" Wash joked. When Mal did not answer, he looked uncomfortable again. "Are we?"
"It's from Saffron." Mal looked at Inara when he said it. I am not sure why. "This letter is for me, from Saffron."
"What's that bitch want?" Jayne asked.
Every man glared at him, and I could hear one of them thinking, language!
"She's dying." Mal said slowly. "She's dying and… she's written me a letter."
And that was when things got exciting.
Okay folks! Here we go! This is, by far, the most technically difficult thing that I have ever written. I'm switching between present and past tense, speaking in first person but with observant third person interspaced throughout, and I'm trying to get into the mind of a psychic, borderline schizophrenic girl.
In other words, I'm slightly nervous.
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