Hey! So this is going to be my first non-oneshot! I'll try to update often, but I'd really like reviews. Also, if you have any ideas for this story, please let me know!!!!

So now, you minxes, I will start my story. Which is a tale of tails. And destruction. And horror. You get the message don't you? Of course you do. I knew you did.

So....... a little prolouge to introduce my tale of tails.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own the Volturi, Twilight Saga or the Volturi's lair. However, I do own thick skin, so do your worst. (Actually don't, I might cry)

Sometimes, things happen in the Volturi lair. Because, yes, they do have a lair. Of course they do. Who doesn't?

Anyway, lairs aside- these things that happen are often scarring, terrifying moments that make certain vampires want to be able to cry. Or die. Or turn back time. You get the picture don't you? Of course you do. You smart cookies.

Anyway, before I so rudely sidetracked myself, I believe I was talking about these horrendus, disgusting, PETRIFYING moments that make you want to BURN your retinas. They do, really.

You see, vampires get bored. It's simply a fact of unlife. When you have all eternity to live, there are some nights you're so bored, you are almost tempted to sing karoke with Felix. He's not bad you know. He's freaking terrible.

But anyway, I really must stop interrupting myself, it's a bad bad bad bad bad (x 10000000) habit. It is really. Stop distracting me, you cheeky peeps.

So, these moments in the Volturi Lair, well. They occur often. Usually at the most annoying of moments. Because, although being iontach iontach iontach galanta* and evil, the Volturi are just normal sociopaths. They are, accept it.

I have decided, to entertain both myself and you (oooh kinky. Shut up), by documenting these events.

I accept no responsibility for retina scarring.

And btw, is your retina in your eye? Also, what is it?? These are just some of the questions that will haunt you during this long-winded tale.

Enjoy.

So, whatcha think? Tell me your opinion, cos I know you have one -.-

That's right, I know. Mmmm-hmmmmm.

I went there.