I guess I'm taking a poetry class and it's full of classic ass hat characters like the Douchey Prince and Sharpe Evans as well as the "That's Just How My Brain Works" girl… Here are Levi and Erwin.

Two majors, both alike in dickery- this is the story of Erwin Smith (Law) and Levi Ackermoaning all night long (Aerospace Engineering); two ambiguously gay students in the same English Writing class and their secret side only seen in moonlight.

"Attack, take a shot, attack

Look at those big ass trees

Whistle for a horsey

Call her an angel

Call her a goddess

Call her your future wife

Look at this sweet ass

Smell this sweet ass

This sweet ass is a rose by another name

Jeager bomb!

You missed your shot

So keep your big ass tree to yourself

This titan will howl like hell elsewhere"

The short man dropped the mic and got off the stage. The masked crowds snapped and whistled, bongos were hit. The man had a military cut and a military walk. No mask could hide his sharp gray eyes. He met his masked companion by the bar. His companion was tall, with a handsome mouth, his mouth being all one could see due to the sort of mask he wore. He wore a black collared shirt and a bolo tie with a blue stone set.

"That was pretty good Mr. Regret," the tall man complimented the shorter.

"I'll have a rum and cola," Mr. Regret told the bar tender before looking to his tall friend, "I do what I can, Brontë."

Let me, the narrator (third seat from the back imagining our leads naked), explain the setting. Jeager University was famous for its Science and Law schools, sure, but also for it's hidden Art culture: Specifically The Slam Poetry Den called "The Underground." A playground for kids who liked to drink, smoke, and wear black to express how humanity left them behind even though most of these kids are middle class and grew up in the suburbs with a packed lunch from mommy. Thanks Mommy, all you ever did was love me and now my art must suffer.

Tonight the two were hitting a club, "The Slutty Carla," popular for it's anonymous poetry open mic on Tuesday. It's made anonymous because everyone shows up in all black, as required, and a mask. It also required that you never use your real name, but an alias- a nom de plume.

"As good as that was, get ready to behold a sight you've never seen before," smirked Brontë.

"If it's another swollen peanut pic, no thanks."

"I told you my dic pics weren't meant for you, they were for my girlfriend- and my manhood is sizable!"

"Shut it Erwin, everyone knows you're a queen."

Erwin slammed his hand over Levi's mouth, "Shhh, no one can know who we really are. Remember?"

"Right, right. Sorry, my lips loosen with drinks."

"That's not all," Erwin said in his sultry man voice before walking to the stage.

However he was cut off, some other blonde bizatch stole the mic. She was puny, like a fist year, with long Hannah Montana hair. Erwin, as a homo, could tell right away that is was a cheap ass, bitch ass weave but he would never say anything because he is a skeleton in the closet. She cleared her throat of dick and began to speak with her silver tongue.

"'Thrust into me,' he cried

And he #obeyed, smashing into him like a fucking 14 wheeler

'Fuck yeah baby, right there.'

Thanks for listening."

Erwin was star struck. In that instant there was hope that he could be that all American straight man his dad would beat him with a belt for not being. His heart was pounding in his chest; his dick was throbbing in his trousers that were all of a sudden two sizes too small. That wasn't poetry just now, that was fucking genius. He looked to the masked Levi who nodded, yeah, she was a girl but dayum, I'd gladly pay child support if it meant 15 minutes in a poetry club bathroom with her. The genius without a penis left the stage to meet her friend, another masked girl but she had brown hair. Her weave was better, must be a blend… Indian hair maybe? Erwin looked back to Levi with a come hither stair. Levi appeared by Erwin's side and slide down into a full middle split. The crowd snapped again, but the bar tender only yelled that it wasn't that kind of club and he'd have to wait for "Freaky Fridays."

"I take the blonde, you take the brunette."

"Brontë you know I'm strictly a snake eater."

"Just this once, I may never be attracted to another woman again. Come on, for me?"

"I'll need to be drunk…" Levi sighed.

And so Erwin ordered a round of shots for the four before walking over to meet the lovely ladies. His walk was a strut and the blonde girl blushed through her feather mask, she knew where this was going. Her friend, however, stood fast, eyeing Levi as if knowing who that short ass might be irl…

"That was a beautiful poem just now, I'm called Brontë. And you?" Erwin asked, kissing her hand.

The girl giggled and smiled, "For tonight I am Oceana and this is my friend… What name did you pick again?"

The brown haired girl had a gruff, pubescent male voice, "Oh yeah, I'm Mikasa."

Oceana crushed Mikasa's foot with her heel before Mikasa spoke again, "I- I mean Titania."

Everyone stared at Titania wondering WTF? She simply "giggled" in her man voice. It was mildly disturbing. Erwin simply turned his attention to Levi, pleading him with his eyes; mentally telling him their drinks would show up soon. Levi simply glared before looking at Titania.

"So, Titania, do you slay?" He asked, sounding like he wanted to unscrew her head and shit down her throat.

She nodded, "My colossus is fire."

"Prove it," Levi said, stepping in closer.

She looked down on him, being a whole head taller. She nodded, sizing him up. The shots arrived and she took one back like a fucking champ. Levi was almost impressed with the female brat. Erwin and Oceana simply stared at the two like the hell went down? Levi took back his shot while Erwin and Oceana held theirs meekly in their hands. Is it safe to drink in a warzone? Titania set her glass on Levi's head and made her way on stage as if she had the biggest dick in the room.

"I'm Titania and this one goes out to Shrimp Dick McBall Grasp."

The crowd "oohed." It was almost getting too real. Erwin half regretted his decision, but he was also getting a little turned on by the brown haired weave wonder. He was becoming straighter and straighter and he wouldn't jeopardize this for the world.

"I like my steak black

When I grill, it's well done

I take a big bite

And I swallow for fun

My momma said no

But my daddy says sure

Secrets locked up in the basement

Boy I've got your cure

So I fuck 'em on the walls

Make a great big hole

He thinks he got respect

But I piss on that ho

My watch is gold plated

My Versace on fleek

See all you bitches later

On your knees in a week

SWERVE!"

Erwin turned to Oceana while the cheers and panties were thrown at Titania, "How do you feel about a 3 way?"

Titania made her way off the stage and respectfully handed the mic to some jackass who worked the sound stage. The man cried, he was in the same room as a fucking legend. She flipped her hair and used her arm to pin Levi to the wall.

"Well shawty?"

He nodded very calmly, "My car's parked out front."

"See you in ten, I'm gonna go powder my nose. Oceana, you coming?"

"We taking speed? Hell yeah, be right back Brontë."

The two girls left and Erwin nudged Levi, "joining the light side?"

"Nah, she's definitely a guy in drag," Levi said back, not looking away from the girl's direction.

"What? How?"

"She had a boner when she pinned me to the wall, and I can tell a fake rack like a fake Chanel."

Erwin was impressed, "Well Oceana is definetly a good girl, an angel. We're meant to be, I know it. My brain was sweating when I was talking to her. I'll be able to bring her home for Christmas and Dad will finally accept me as a member of the family again. Oh I'll take her on a movie date, learn her real name, carry her books to class~"

"She's a guy too."

"WHAT!? HOW DO YOU KNOW!?"

"Intuition," Levi said, eyes sparkling as the turn girls returned high as hell.

The group walked into the cool autumn night. The only light source were the street lamps along the parking lot complimented by the used glow-in-the-dark condoms strewn about the premise.

"Well that will be good night," Oceana said.

"What about smut?" Erwin weeped like a small dog in a box in the rain.

The blonde winked, "I'm a virgin until marriage."

"Yeah and I'm a cock tease," Titania chimed in.

"But," Levi was cut off by Titania.

"Don't grovel Levi, it's unbecoming," she winked.

"And don't look so sad Erwin, I thought a guy like you would like a challenge?" Oceana smiled.

"WAIT HOW DO YOU KNOW OUR NAMES," they asked.

The two girls smiled and held onto each other in a very lesbian way even though they're both guys in dresses, "Levi's the shortest guy in school and Erwin's the tallest. Even masks can't hide that or the signature bolo tie and bottle of bleach."

"I told you it was a giveaway," Levi said, taking his mask off to clean with said bleach.

"And the bleach wasn't?" Erwin glared taking his mask off, "clean mine too."

"Well farewell and good night gentlemen," Oceana sang.

"No way, you know who we are but we don't know you. You can't leave yet," Erwin huffed.

"We can and we will," Titania sang.

Before the two men could question that a ninja came flying down and knocked them both out by doing that ninja neck hit thing. Oceana and Titania took off their masks and wigs.

"Good work Mikasa," the blonde boy smiled.

"Of course Armin, Eren, are you alright?" Mikasa asked, taking off her ninja mask.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna draw dicks on their faces," Eren laughed, pulling out a sharpie.

"Leave it to an art major," Armin laughed, "make sure you also leave our frat name in the jizz rocket so they have an idea of where to look."

Eren nodded and went to work on their sleeping faces while Armin took off his heels and stretched his shoulders. Mikasa took a look at the two sleeping idiots, one of them had their cheek pressed to a flavored used condom, I won't say which.

"Hey Armin, why did you pick them?" Mikasa asked.

Armin smiled as Eren finished his handy work, "It could have only been them."

To be continued… If you want… it's crack…