I sagged further into my pillows, not wanting to remember. But I found that with my eyes closed the memories were all that much more vivid.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"…you don't want me?"

As I said it, the words felt right, even as I knew them to be a blasphemy against all I had dared hoped. It was like the final piece of the puzzle was put into place. It made sense. Here I was, a mere human, and there he was, a god. Gods don't fall in love with humans. It was just a story, an excerpt from Greek mythology incorporated into bedtime readings and fairy tales. In that instant I knew everything I had wanted, everything I had dreamt of, every stupid and delusional fantasy I had had of me and…him had been a lie. Nothing more than a stupid pipe dream. And he had made me believe it was real. White-hot anger surged through me, sparing the pain that I knew would come after this was done.

"No."

"Well I guess that changes things."

"I'm sorry Bella."

I turned on him then. I turned on the man that had held my heart, who promised to cherish it and love it, the thing that had vowed that he would never hurt me. I felt the anger and the contempt coarse through me, fueling the words that shot out of my mouth.

"How fucking dare you." Even as I heard the words they surprised me. I never cursed. In the back of my mind I realized it must have been an occasion for him to hear it too. And indeed, if I hadn't been looking for it so hard, I might not have noticed the flash of shock that crossed his face.

"How…fucking…dare…you? I repeated. I didn't wait for his response. I was too filled with pain and self-righteous anger to think anything about anyone but myself.

"If what you were looking for was an "amusement" as you call it, you could have found it anywhere. Jessica would have been fine. Or even Lauren. They would have been dazzled by you but then happily would have moved on. But no. That wouldn't be good enough for you would it? You had to find me, the one person who would love you. The one person that would accept anything from you. The one person who loved you despite the fact that you were a monster. You, Edward Cullen, are not just some run of the mill asshole. You are a monster. Truth be told, I'm just thankful I found out now, before you changed me.

Aside from his momentary shock at hearing me use words no proper lady would ever utter (one more reason that he could have never have wanted me; Edward was too old fashioned) his face remained impassive after my hateful mini speech. And then he spoke.

"Bella, I truly am sorry. Please know it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I'm just..how do you say it…a little too hedonistic for my own good? I truly am sorry for the effect it has cause on you. You have to understand, when you've lived for as long as I have you need an amusement. I'm just a little more fleeting in my interests than most of my kind." He said it almost formally, like I was nothing more to him than one of the girls he had met in the early 20th century, casually brushing off their advances. Was he actually trying to justify his treatment of me? Yeah well screw you Cullen. I am worth way more than that.

"Whatever, " I muttered, turning away from him. "Are you happy? You've fooled the poor little human into thinking she was worth more than she was. But don't worry. Despite you might think, I am not worthless. Believe it or not, there are people who care about me. At least I'll still have Alice,"

"Bella, Alice is coming with us."

"What?" I spun around thinking I had heard him wrong, praying that he wouldn't be so heartless as to take my best friend, my sister, away from me too.

"I told her it was better this way. A clean break."

I stared at him mutely. How could he do this? Was his leaving not enough? Did he have to take everything I had?

But no….Alice was strong. She could stand up to him if she needed to. She must not want me either. That was all I was to any of them. The stupid, weak, fragile human. A fun little diversion from their long, immortal lives. God forgive me for having a beating heart. But even at my ultimate low, I couldn't make myself hate Alice, not like the way I hated him. I was hurt by her, but then again, she had never promised to love me. She had never sworn not to leave me.

I reverted to my earlier statement. "Whatever." It seemed safest. Edward looked at me, looked at me the way a child looks like an anthill he has just knocked over. A mild interest in the confusion and the anarchy, but soon bored.

"I will leave you alone now," he said. "It'll be as if I have never existed." I snorted. There wasn't much chance of that. I would always remember him. He continued. "All I ask is that you don't endanger yourself. For your father you need to at least make an effort to be safe. I can't keep saving you anymore Bella. Its time for you to grow up."

I looked at him, neither responding nor ignoring. I was a mask, a shell, a lifeless thing in the depth of my misery. I could do nothing more than nod. Anything else was asking too much of myself. I might betray the loneliness and desperation behind the angry, hateful façade. After all, I still had my pride.

And with that, he left, leaving me alone in the forest.

I did not chase after him. That would hurt too much. Instead, I wandered blindly deeper into the woods in the opposite direction. I walked and walked and walked, trying to rid myself of the numb feeling in my heart. Surely anything was better than this. I would take the pain. I would take the heartache. But I could not take this numb, empty feeling that seemed to be eating away at my core.

My darling, my light and my love. The words kept repeating themselves to me, a mantra I said over and over again, spoken in my head both to torment myself and to raise the awareness to the hole in my soul. He was never coming back. I should be able to feel more than this mind-altering numbness.

And then, all of the sudden, iron cold, iron hard arms wrapped themselves around me. Oh god I knew he would come back for me. Why had he played such a sick joke? I sank back gratefully, clutching the arms that held my waist.

"I've been waiting for you," a velvet yet terrifying voice whispered in my ear. There was nothing to it that bespoke Edward's tenderness. This was not Edward. After a year of vampires living around me, for the first time I felt afraid. And after that, all I felt was the fire.

-x--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

"Isabella Marie! Are you ready yet? Jesus I swear you would lose your head if it weren't attached to that neck of yours!" the shout shook me from my reverie.

"Sorry!" I called. "I'm coming!" I got up from the bed and took one last look at myself in the mirror, not at all comforted by the beauty that everyone said was there. After all, if he hadn't thought I was beautiful enough, then what did it really matter?

I sighed and picked up my bag. I ran down the stairs, joining my family for yet another day of school.

If he could only see me now I thought to myself