Well, finally, I can't stand this dusty idea sitting around anymore!

Entire Cast of Sacred Stones: And…?

So I'm starting your story, NOW!

Cast: WOOHOO!!!

…Dang, MC: DD peeps thought it was hell…ah, whatever. Now before I begin….

Eirika: She doesn't own us…thank whatever deities exist. If she did, Lyon wouldn't have died. Or at least in a much more tragic way.

WARNING! This fanfic contains the following:

Swearing

Innuendo

Minor crossing-over

Utter Nonsense

Minor Sethbashing

Singing

Alcohol

Eirika/Lyon pairing

Eirika: Hey wait! Don't I get a say in this?

Ummm…no. Besides, it won't be long before we all know… (-wink wink nudge nudge-) …about that plu—(CENSORED to prevent spoilers)

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A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a continent known as Magvel. It is a place of generic terrain and strife, complete with peasants and plagues, mythical creatures and nobles trying to either kill you off or bed you. Strangely enough, all war on this continent has ceased for about 800 years. That is because…well, now-a-days, because the soldiers, commanders, and royalty are too lazy to get off their bums to wage any war. But it used to be because they remembered….

…The Sacred Stones….

These shiny, powerful rocks are all that seal evil away from Magvel. And, considering they had 800 years, why didn't they beef up their defenses against those nasty demons from other worlds or something like that? Silly humans…oh, wait, I used to be one. Damn.

Well, anyhow, they contain holy demon-sealing power or some crap like that, and were somehow used to defeat the Demon King in some epic battle hoo-ha about (there's that number again) 800 years ago. Some say they radiate holy light that seared him, others say they were placed in the hilt of fancy weapons. Still others just think they chucked them at the demon until he got up and left. Of course, most of those people are peasants, so they don't count. Yay peasants.

But, now (Oh GOD, not again) 800 years later, something quite unexpected happened that shook the very foundations of the continent….

…Grado got off its ass and launched an invasion against Renais. They rampaged, unable to be stopped despite the efforts of Renais' armies, happily pillaging, slaughtering, running over peasants with ballistae, stealing livestock, and cracking horribly bad jokes at the pubs each evening over a mug of ale and an ewe in a brassiere.

And, soon, as it is foretold by the many fanfiction writers, Renais will fall. That's the bad news. The REALLY bad news is that it won't make a big crash when it does. Well, among political parties, yes, but it won't go, "BOOOOOM!" as the capital topples down. Shame, really.

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"FAAAAAAAAATHER!" A loud, banshee-like screech echoed through the halls of Renais Castle. Eirika, Princess of Renais, seemed to be the source of this ruckus, and she continued screaming and strolling down the halls, oblivious to the massacre of her countrymen. "FATHER! Where the HELL did you go?" She continued into the throne room. "FA—oh, look who it is. Beat it, carrot!" She roughly shoved Seth aside. "FATHER!"

Seth blinked. "Your Highness? Our troops are…uh…"

"Being massacred, yes, I know. Got to me at first, but I can't do squat when I'm unarmed. FATHER! Where the hell are you?"

"Did you lose him again?" The carrot-haired Paladin sighed.

"Well," Eirika rubbed her chin in thought, "I wouldn't have to look for him if I hadn't lost the armory, stables, and the bathroom."

"…The bathroom, Milady?"

"Yeah. I keep a spare Silver Sword in there."

"Hey lookie!" a random Grado soldier cried in triumph. "I found a Silver Sword in this 'ere bathroom! My ewe will love this!"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!" came Eirika's responding cry.

"Milady?" Seth questioned, "How in the world did you lose the armory, stables, bathroom, and your father?"

Eirika turned to face him. "The same way you killed off your own horse and fifty recruits, thinking they were cameos trying to take over the world. Except with much more dignity than you could ever muster."

"But I'm positive that kid in green with the weird ears and the fairy was one!" Seth whined. (!)

"Well, maybe, but you didn't have to kill forty-nine other recruits, AND your old horse."

"The horse was possessed by Satan!"

"Suuuure…and I'm a changeling," Eirika muttered sarcastically.

"Hmmm…" pondered Seth, taking his turn at chin rubbing, "that would explain a lot."

"Oh, shut up and give me your sword."

"Milady, I like my Margie!"

Eirika stared at the paladin for a long moment. "…Margie?"

"Yes, Margie. My sword." Seth explained. "I wash her and sleep with her every night."

"…FATHER!" Eirika burst after a moment of silence. "The General is scaring me! …Father? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

Then, a fine chestnut stallion stormed through the castle, nostrils flaring, mane flying, tail whipping about. It came, its hooves pounding the tile, bearing its rider. The rider, however, didn't look near as impressive as the horse; he was clinging on for his dear life.

"See?!" Seth outburst. "Milady, I TOLD you! Satan is possessing our horses!"

The rider managed to pull his wild stallion to a halt. "Actually, the king stabbed it in the rear before he got massacred," the cavalier explained.

"Ahhhhhhhh," said Eirika with new realization, "that's why I couldn't find him! Now, what about the armory…?"

Seth blinked for a moment before declaring that the king had to be Satan, and that was why Grado was attacking, and a possible explanation for Eirika. He quickly shut up after being slapped with the force of a thousand whales dropped on top of a turnip.

The cavalier sighed. "Milady, allow me to escort you to the armory."

"Oh, shut up Franz," Seth spit. "Nobody likes you."

"Yes they do!" Franz argued back. "My cousin Al does…all twelve of them in fact!"

Eirika blinked, obviously taken by surprise. "Twelve cousins with the same name?"

Franz looked up thoughtfully. "Well, not exactly. There's Alfred, Albert, Alphonse (!), Alicia, Alex…"

"WE GET IT!" Eirika snapped.

"…We do?" Seth blinked.

"Excuse me," growled Surprise, "But I was s'posed to have taken this wench 'ere a few lines up, so if you don't mind…."

Eirika promptly snatched a rapier out of thin air and ran Surprise through. "Well, I guess we should head off…Frelia, anyone?"

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"ARRRRRRRRRGH!" Valter cried in desperation. "Where the hell is that wench?"

Nothing happened.

"CINEMATIC HERE!" shouted the wyvern knight at the top of his wrinkled lungs. "GET OUT HERE, DOGS OF RENAIS!"

Nothing continued to happen.

"HELLO?!?" Valter screamed with increasing rage.

This time, something did happen. It was not, however, the intended event. Rather than Eirika, Seth, and Franz scampering out of the castle, someone yelled at him to shut up and threw a hefty boot at him, knocking him out cold. His two underlings looked at each other, then decided to go grab a soda. Fools; they can't share the same soda! That would be gross!

Oh yeah, our three heroes scampered by unseen, thus avoiding any dialogue.

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Eirika sighed. "Franz, you were supposed to have ridden ahead a while back. Y'know, to alert Frelia and all that hoo-ha?"

"Don't die, Franz!" Seth cried to his underling.

Franz glared at the sentence above. "General, I'm not an underling."

"Just go." Franz this time did as he was told and rode ahead.

After pausing for a Moment of Silence, then snoozing through the "Random Valley in the Middle of Nowhere" Morning Announcements ("Seth, shut up that loudspeaker, please. We're not in a school," Eirika had complained), they decided to keep moving, namely to a nice coffee shop somewhere, then to EBGames to see if there was a Wii in stock, as well as how much it cost, then to a pay phone to see if Eirika could contact Ephraim, and ultimately to Castle Frelia.

Before they could set out on their epic outing, however, three axemen came in hot pursuit.

"You 'ere!" their leader shouted. "Yous all comin' wiv us!"

Eirika blinked. "Did that man get his tongue cut out or something?"

Seth blinked and made a more idiotic comment. "Isn't You the name of a violinist in a J-Pop band?" He decided to ponder this while Eirika was left to shish-kabob the axemen, and was at last awakened by a slap.

"Huh?" Seth whipped his head around, trying to get a grasp of his surroundings.

A bloodied Eirika was standing over him, looking quite pissed. Oh, who am I kidding? Pissed doesn't even begin to do that glare justice. "You do realize you just sat there for the whole battle, right?"

"I…did? I-I mean…I did…my apologies, Milady." Seth fumbled with his words.

Eirika groaned. "Instead of pondering the meaning of life, why don't you HELP next time?!" She pointed her rapier at the Paladin, her eyes burning with fury.

"…To…Frelia?" Seth offered weakly.

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Well, my mom read over this and liked it, despite not knowing who the hell anyone was. Especially the ewes. This was also spell-checked; I need to make a good first impression!

Lute: Are we done here yet?

Yes, okay, fine. I need to work on some of my stuff in progress.