He opened the small creaky, rusting door of the local cemetery. It made a noise that made him close his eyes in irritation. Such voices really annoyed him. He made a mental note to tell the caretaker, to replace it but what was the use? He knows he'll forget it anyway. Lately, well to be precise one year, two months and four days - he didn't really had the time to remember things, he didn't have the courage or the want to feel wanted as an Earl, as anything really. He didn't want to be anything.
What he wanted was not up to him. If it would've been, he...he sighed and closed his eyes again. He opened them and took a breath. He can't go on with such long face, in such a whiny mood, he needs to look stable. For her.
He walked further, it was very early in the morning, the wind was torturing his exposed skin. With his one free hand, he clutched his coat tighter. He walked further and a soft smile appeared on his face. There she was, his darling. Right there. He brought the flowers he purchased to his nose and inhaled the smell of lillies, her favourite ones. She liked them white and yellow, with a few rusty orange ones. It was a perfect combination, just like her. She's so perfect, so flawlessly perfect.
He now stood there in front of the tombstone. Her tombstone. He removed his glove and touched the icy cold granite, the chill pained him, but warmed his heart. He traced the letters. He murmured the two syllables, pronounced her name. It warmed his heart. It sounded very much like from the novels, but it warmed his heart.
CORA CRAWLEY.
There she laid, his darling wife. She wasn't just a wife, not really. She was his best friend. He smiled as he sat down on the edge, he smiled at the memory of them laughing late at nights at silly jokes, laughing at the same time while he read her a book or she did, all cuddled up in bed at nights. He smiled at the memory of them playing with the fountain water in the early years, well in the later too, but they did that in the privacy of their house. They didn't need more stories of how strange their relationship was. Everyone said that but actually craved what they had. Craved the love they had. And will always have.
His vision became blurry and there it was again, that dull ache caught fire in his heart and physically, emotionally and in every other way possible terribly pained every single part of his body. Internal and External. Cora used to say, he should cry, that it's okay to cry, it doesn't make him a blubber or feminine, it made him human because everyone needs to cry from time to time. She changed him and for the better. So he didn't bother wiping his tears. He then smiled again, he was such a Donk, he used to whine about everything but she always knew how to handle him. One time, he remember when Cora told him that they had dismissed a certain Nanny of Sybbie and George when they were little, she knew he'd whine, and just before he did, she squeezed his hand, she knew this was coming. Oh, his Cora, she knew him so well. More than him at times, it was actually scary.
She was his best friend, his lover, his mama at times, his child at times, his partner, his Countess, his...everything. She was his everything. And now she's gone and he is still here, yes, but he doesn't live, he just exists but he's okay with that, he doesn't want to live without her anyway. People, even his family told him to try, to live, to be happy but he always thought, move on from what? When everything he was, was breathing Cora, when all he was, belongs to Cora, when his day starts with Cora, his day ends with Cora, every part of him screamed Cora, what was he suppose to move on from? He only exists now because it's not upto him and a little for his children too, although he was of no use now, he could be, but he didn't want to be. It wasn't that he was depressed, he was at peace with his existence because the only way he existed was with the help of her memories. Their memories. Everything that was his and everything that he was, was Cora's.
She had taught him so much, she was also his teacher. The young, beautiful Cora Levinson who once took away the title of Viscountess of Grantham, also took away Robert Crawley with her. Swept his across his feet, made him mad with the love of her, it took him a year to enter into a life full of bliss she was offering from the start, but he had been a Donk but she forgave him for it. She took his everything and he gave her willingly so when everything he was or what was left of him, belonged to Cora, how was he suppose to move on? And to what? He'd be in a black hole where there was no past and no future. Cora wanted him to be happy, she told him, when she was dying, she told him and he promised her that. So he will be happy, happy and surrounded by the memories of her and her accent, her touch, her scent, her smile, her eyes, her love. He smiled at the thought if it.
She loved him so much, that silly girl. She was mad about him, it still surprised him, why would the most wonderful, beautiful, perfect woman in the world bother with a Donk? But she used to roll her eyes at him and kiss the air out of him. She loved him so much. She would love him unconditionally. And she did. Until she passed away in her untimely death.
She kept her promise. "Till death do us part" and so he will.
"Hello darling", he said with his heavy heart and voice. "I always think I should get a grip of myself but I know you'd roll your eyes at me if I did", he laughed a little.
"It's very cold today, I know you hated that, especially when it was a special day like this. I don't like the cold anymore. It's just too...cold. But maybe it's because I'm getting old and yes, I know now you'll say 'But getting more handsome though' so thanks for that." He kept caressing the cold granite, as if touching her. Feeling her.
He put the bouquet on the top, "Here, I bought you these, I hope you'll like them."
He laughed faintly at a memory, "Remember how difficult you were to predict when you were pregnant with Sybil, you loved one type of flower one day and absolutely hated it the next."
He looked around and saw that there was no one around, not a single person, "I know you must be thinking I'm an idiot for coming this early but I wanted to be the first one, I wanted to spend some time with you alone."
He clutched his coat tighter "I wish you were here, I could really do with that hug you give, right now. I know,you wish the same. Hope its a little cozier where you are. Sybbie wanted to come too, I'll visit again in the afternoon with her but right now I just wanted some Cora and Robert time. They all miss you so much, I tell them Granny is looking after them but they still miss your prescence. George came to my room the other day, it was really late and he asked me to sing that song you used to sing to them and the girls when they were little". Robert chuckled, "I tried, I really did but the look on his face when he heard me sing was priceless, he could've very well started screaming"
"It's your second birthday without you being here, I told to Mrs. Patmore bake your favourite strawberry cake, I'll eat a lot today but don't worry I'll be careful. Cora, I just wished you were here to give me that stern look of yours to make me stop eating so much sugar. But I'll imagine. I'll close my eyes and imagine it."
His tears started running down his face again, and with every sentence, his voice became heavier, "I do it all the time, I imagine you, it's always helpful. When I breakdown crying, I imagine you hugging me, I smell that scent of your hair, I feel the tickle of your hair on my nose. I feel your warm hands around me. I feel you kissing my neck and calling my name with that enchanting accent of yours. I know you'd do the same if you were here. I love you, my angel. My Cora, Happy Birthday, my sweet darling. I miss you so much, I..."
His heart breaks all over again and his tears fall down like a fountain. "I miss you so much" he starts trembling as he cried. He covered his face and cried his heart out. The pain was too much, he was surprised he was still alive, it was unbearable. After a few moments he recovered and looked back at her name with bloodshot eyes, "Oh, my darling, I am okay. Don't worry. I'm alright. I just miss you a lot and I am being strong for the children but you were the one strong for me and it's just too much to handle, I'm not as perfect as you. I love you. I love you!"
He sat closer now, "I love you" he placed his hands on the cold surface, he kissed her name, "Till my last breath, I love you. Just as you loved me"