Where Do The Lonely Go?
Ronnie stood at the back of the church, her deep blue eyes trained on the tiny infant being christened. The little girl was surrounded by the people that loved her unconditionally and would do everything in their power to protect her from the world. Ronnie remembered that feeling, the one where you would lay down your life so nothing could harm your child; she remembered it only too well.
Discreetly slipping out of the church's double doors, she found herself in the courtyard, her eyes passing over the headstones of so many different people. Her heart constricted painfully in her chest, as though wanting to break free from her and the world that had caused her so much misery. Ronnie couldn't help but stare at one headstone, gleaming white against the plush green grass that it was set into. Louise Sarah Mallor. 25th January 2002 – 17th June 2008. Gone to play with the angels.
She blinked, trying to disperse the tears that had already formed in her eyes. "I can't do this anymore," she whispered to herself. She'd been living in the past for so long now, she didn't know how to belong to the present. Everything was so messy in Walford, just a reminder of how much things had gone wrong. There was nothing keeping her here, so why did she stay? Why did she inflict that pain upon herself? Because I deserve it. This is my punishment for what happened to Amy. She was so immersed in her thoughts, Ronnie didn't notice the person that had walked up to her and now stood beside her.
"Shouldn't you be inside?"
Ronnie jumped, her heart beat accelerating, before returning to normal. She shook her head. "It's not my place."
"She's your niece, isn't she?" Dot asked matter of factly, a cigarette clasped between two fingers.
Ronnie nodded. "And Phil's my cousin and Peggy's my aunt and Roxy's my sister and Jack's my-." She sighed, unable to finish her sentence. She closed her eyes, the fingers of one hand rubbing her forehead. She turned to the wise woman, giving her a smile and then gently squeezing her free hand. "Bye Dot."
Dot returned the warm smile. "Goodbye Ronnie." She watched as the young woman left the courtyard, the sun glinting against the strands of her golden hair. "She has to do what's right for her," Dot spoke softly to herself, taking a last drag of her cigarette.
Twenty minutes later, the residents of Albert Square filtered out of the church and into the Springtime sunshine. Jack looked around himself, his eyes scanning the face of every woman, trying to find Ronnie. He knew she had been there, he'd seen her – so where had she gone now? Jack sighed as he was forced to smile for the camera and pose for pictures with the Mitchell clan, all the while his mind on his 'business partner'. Where is she? I knew this was a bad idea, I knew how much it would hurt her.
After finally extricating himself from the commotion of picture taking, Jack found himself walking towards his brother. "You seen Ronnie?" He asked Max.
Max just looked at him stony-faced. "I thought today was about your daughter?"
"It is," Jack insisted. "I just need to ask her somethin' about the club."
Max scoffed, obviously not falling for Jack's lies. "You've hurt her enough." Max went to walk away, but Jack grabbed hold of his arm. "You really gonna make a scene?" Max asked, leaning close to his younger sibling. Jack sighed before releasing Max's arm. "Yeah, I didn't think so."
Jack stood alone at the edge of the courtyard; this was meant to be a happy day, his baby daughter was getting christened, everyone was smiling and laughing, but he didn't have it in him to do the same. Because she wasn't there with him. Reaching into his jacket pocket, Jack pulled out his mobile phone before quickly scrolling through his contact list and calling Ronnie.
"Welcome to the T-mobile voicemail service-" He snapped his phone shut.
"Looking for someone?" Dot asked, causing her step son to turn around and face her.
"Ronnie. Have you seen her?"
Dot nodded. "She left a while ago."
Jack felt his heart cease beating. "Left?" He choked out, his words getting stuck in his throat. "She's gone home?"
Dot shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know, Jack."
Jack didn't wait for further explanations, instead he strode up to Max, invading his personal space and getting too close for comfort. "Where is she?" He asked, his voice low and deadly.
"Who?" Max asked, nonchalantly.
"Ronnie. She's left and you know where she's gone!" Jack exclaimed, trying to keep as calm as possible but he could feel his anger and his terror rising simultaneously.
"Ronnie's left?" Someone asked behind them. The two men turned to face Roxy as she cradled her infant daughter. "Tell me where my sister is, Max," Roxy demanded.
Max looked from his brother to Ronnie's sister, the two people she'd begged him not to tell. She'd been clear on her instructions, but then he knew just how much these two people meant to her. He sighed, "Ibiza. She's gone back."
"Which airport?"
Max stayed silent.
"Tell 'im!" Roxy exclaimed, bouncing Amy up and down slightly to soothe her grizzling.
"Stansted."
Jack was ready to jump in a car and run straight after her, but he stopped; torn. It was his daughter's christening – how could he just leave? He stood still for a moment, an internal battle of thoughts going on in his mind, before his decision was made for him.
"Go." Roxy stated. Jack looked at her, uncertain. "Go after her and get my sister back."
He nodded, not needing to be told twice. "I don't have my car and I've been drinking," he said in a panic. Ronnie was getting further and further away and he couldn't stop her.
"You idiot!" Roxy exclaimed, before rushing towards Mo and Charlie. "Charlie, Charlie, can you take Jack to Stansted, please? It's an emergency, please!" Roxy asked of him, the panic in her voice evident, she tugged on Charlie's arm, pushing him towards the father of her child. "Charlie'll take you," Roxy stated, before the cabbie could even reply. "Just go!"
After an hour of complete silence as Charlie drove and Jack sat in the back of the cab, silently contemplating what he was going to do and how he was going to find Ronnie, Charlie set Jack down at the entrance to the airport. The man flew out of the cab, shouting that he'd settle the fare afterwards, before tearing through the airport. He looked up at the departure board. "15:30, Ibiza, Terminal 2, that's her. That's her flight." Jack ran to the entrance of the terminal, but was immediately stopped by two employees.
"I'm sorry sir, can we see your ticket please?"
"I don't have one."
"I'm afraid only passengers can enter-"
"Oh for crying out loud!" Jack exclaimed, getting increasingly frustrated as obstacle after obstacle seemed to get in his way. Why couldn't he just get to her? "Can I get a ticket to Ibiza, on the flight that's leaving at three thirty?" He asked the lady behind the desk as he pushed his credit card towards her.
"Let me just check to see if anything is available. Would you like that return, sir?"
"No thanks."
"Which class would you like, sir?"
"I don't care, whatever."
"Well, we have seats available in Business Class for-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah – give me that one, just hurry up, yeah?" Jack replied, trying to get her to work as fast as possible. He looked down at his watch. 3:15. He still had fifteen minutes until Ronnie's plane left, but he couldn't see her, she'd probably already checked in. Jack methodically tapped in his PIN code before the woman handed him his ticket.
"You depart from Terminal 2-"
"Yeah. Thanks," he said hurriedly, rushing towards the entrance of the terminal. And that's when he saw her. A flash of a purple coat and golden blonde hair. "Ronnie!" He shouted through the crowds, trying to get her attention. "Ronnie!" He shouted again, but she didn't turn around. Jack let out a sigh of aggravation, his eye glimpsed the tannoy microphone that was standing on the desk beside him. Without thinking, he grabbed it.
"Ronnie!" He spoke into the microphone, the volume of his voice as it filtered through the airport surprising even him. He moved it away from him slightly, before speaking once again. "Ronnie Mitchell, would you just turn around?" His words came out like a plea. Everyone around him stopped checking their pockets for passports and tickets, instead deciding to concentrate their attention on the strange behaviour of this man. "Ronnie please, just turn around. Don't get on that plane!"
"Excuse me, sir, that's not-" A security guard approached him, ready to take the microphone from Jack's hands.
"Ronnie, I love you, please don't get on that plane," Jack begged the love of his life to stay. He watched as she turned around, stunned to see him standing a mere hundred metres away from her. "Stay," he whispered into the microphone, his voice booming through the now unusually quiet airport.
Ronnie just looked at him, her heart breaking even more beneath her chest. She hadn't known that he'd run after her, hadn't known he'd ask her to stay. It made it so much worse this way. Slowly, with tears in her eyes, she shook her head. She couldn't do this anymore.
Jack let the security guard wrestle the microphone from his hands as he watched her retreating back. She was going. She was leaving and she didn't want him to stop her. "I'm sorry, mate," the same security guard told him gruffly, giving him a manly pat on the back.
A half hour later, Jack sat on a hard metal seat, opposite the departure board; still clutching the Ibiza ticket in his hand. He could have gone after her, even talked to her on the plane, but he hadn't. Because he knew that wasn't what she wanted and he was tired of causing her so much misery and pain. But that didn't mean it was any easier for him to walk away.
Jack sighed, trying to wash away the image of her heartbroken face looking back at him. She'd just wanted to slip away without saying goodbye. He'd never been able to give her what she wanted, had he?
"Jack," a soft voice called out his name as they sat down beside him.
He turned to her, his mouth open in shock. Reaching out a hand, he caressed her porcelain cheek. "I thought you'd gone," he said, his voice a mere whisper.
Ronnie shook her head. "I nearly had, but I . . .changed my flight. . . I just . . . Why are you here, Jack?"
"I would've thought that was obvious," he said, a small smirk lifting his lips.
"Well, I'm a natural blonde so you're gonna have to spell it out for me," she quipped, still refusing to look him in the eye, instead concentrating on her entwined fingers that she had placed in her lap.
"Why are you leavin'?" He asked, surprised by the surge of anger he felt roaring through him.
Ronnie sighed, rubbing her forehead and pushing her fringe out of her eyes. "Why do think? . . . I can't do it anymore, Jack. Watching you and Roxy grow closer every day-"
"That's not happening-"
"You share a daughter, it's inevitable. And . . . I can't compete with that, I won't."
"You don't have to, I'm not asking you to. I just-"
Ronnie scoffed, shaking her head and sucking in a short breath. "Amy's your daughter. And I will never come between you and her. She needs you."
"Well, I need you," Jack insisted, taking her hand in his and holding onto it tightly.
Ronnie looked down at the physical contact, soothed by his touch. But she gently pulled her hand away. "And I needed you, as well," she told him, nodding her head and trying to stifle her tears. "I needed you to love me unconditionally and make me happy and not hurt me. I needed you to not sleep with my sister because you were angry at me or she was angry at me. I needed you to not father her baby, a baby named after mine. I needed you, Jack, in so many different ways. Where were you then?"
The tears slipped from Ronnie's eyes, marring her delicate beauty with torment. Jack raised his hand to her face, using the pads of his thumb to wipe away the crystal droplets. Ronnie let him this time. "I'm sorry," he whispered, looking into her eyes and seeing for the first time the extent of the heartache he had inflicted upon her.
"I know."
"What do I have to do?" He asked her. "To get you to forgive me?" Ronnie shrugged in reply, not meeting his eyes. "I love you, Ron. I want us to be together, properly, no more game playing or scoring points, just us, together. I love you." Jack shuffled closer to her, his eyes never leaving her face. Ronnie didn't move, so Jack reached out and held her chin in his hand for a moment before tilting it so that she was looking at him. He leant closer and closer, their faces only inches apart. "I love you," he repeated, his breath warm on her lips, sending shivers down her spine.
"Y'know, I imagined it. Thought about us in ten years time," Ronnie confessed, her voice soft like a summer breeze. Jack stayed silent, letting her words flow through him. "I thought we'd get married and have kids, dunno how many, but I knew that that's what we'd do. Even when you were with Tanya, I still knew. And then on Christmas Day when we made love, I thought 'this is it, this is the beginning'. Except it wasn't, was it Jack? It was the end." Ronnie moved away from his warm, inviting body.
"No, Ron, it's not. Don't say that, it's not the end," Jack pleaded with her, clutching her hand in his once again. How could he have hurt her so badly? He loved this woman, so why the hell had he done so many things that hurt her?
"Every day I stay, I have to watch you with them both and I hurt. I'm so tired of hurting Jack, it's like one day it's going to consume me; I'm gonna break and I won't be able to put myself back together. The three of you, you're like splinters in my heart that I can't get to, I can't take out. That's why I need to go. That's why you need to let me go, Jack." Ronnie felt Jack's fingers tighten around her hand. She reached up with her free hand and held his cheek in it, her thumb stroking it lovingly. She savoured the feeling of his skin against hers; her skin burned for his touch; so light and urgent. Her heart ached for him, for the happiness that only he could bring.
"Don't," he whispered. "Don't do this." His eyes never left hers, begging her to reconsider. Watching the crystal droplets spill from her eyes felt like knives to his heart, a savage animal ripping it from shred to shred. You stupid bastard! How could you do it? What is wrong with you? How could you do this to her?
"I love you, Jack, but I can't be with you. . . Let me go, yeah?" His grip on her hand loosened, his fingers going limp. Ronnie stood up, the shards of glass that had once been a whole heart embedded themselves in her soul, the daggers causing every part of her to bleed.
And as she walked away from the only man she truly loved, Ronnie felt her entire body being choked of oxygen. But she couldn't break down, she couldn't afford to. Instead, she placed a warm hand on her stomach and whispered: "Just you and me now, darling. Just you and me."
THE END