Person: please understand I have nothing against homosexual people. xD I was bored and wrote a piece of crap I thought would be funny. Have a nice life.

My Worst Nightmare

I had to sneak out of my house. Charlie was making me do the dishes, again! Damn him. Damn him to hell.
There was one place I knew I wanted to be. At my smokalicious-hot-vampire-boyfriend. He was just such a comfort to me. And so HOT. I couldn't wait to start making out with him. Or better...
I pulled my red Chevy into the Cullens' garage, where Alice's yellow porsche sat. It was better than my piece of crap. Maybe I could jack it.
I walked up to the front porch and barged in the house. My muddy boots left tracks in the white carpet. I saw Esme give me a dirty look as I passed. Stupid old lady. I was the fuggin' human here. I'm the special one.
It took a second to realize that Edward hadn't come up to worship me as usual. I searched all around the house.
"EDWARD! EDDIE, GET OVER HERE!" There was no answer.
Strange. I began to search all around the house. A few minutes later, I saw tiny Alice standing in front of the bathroom door.
"Come on Edward!" she cried,"It shouldn't take you this long!"
I stopped and headed towards Alice's direction. Her pointy shoulders froze and her eyes widened.
"Alice, is Edward in there?" I asked.
"Bella! Well, yes. But I don't think you should go in right now. He's very busy and-"
I didn't let her finish. There was a loud crash as I pushed her aside. The door thudded open.
I gasped.
My whole body froze as I slowly took in what was inside.
Edward stood over the sink. In his hand was cherry-red lip gloss. It rubbed back and forth across his lower lip. A dozen cosmetic materials sprayed out in front of him.
My reflexion caught in the mirror, and Edward dropped the lipstick. His glossed-up lips popped open.
"Bella!" he cried,"You're here. OK, love, I was just-"
"Eddie-poo," I interrupted,"What were you just doing?"
There was no response.
"Edward," I said a little louder,"Were you just putting on makeup?!"
Rosalie came around the corner, laughing like a hyena. There was still no response from Edward.
"EDWARD!" I screamed," GO TO THE SINK, NOW!"
He obeyed, as usual.
I grabbed a hand cloth and wet it under the faucet. Holding his head steady, I wiped the cloth all over his glossy face, which got rougher as more makeup was removed.
When every speck of gunk was gone, I lifted my head to look at his face.
I wanted to die.
His perfect face, the core of my existence, was ruined. Edward was, dare I say it, hideous.
With all of the cover-up removed, Edward's pearly complexion was replaced with a sweep of monstrous purple and red acne. His nose was a bumpy mess, with bones sticking out everywhere. Those golden eyes I'd loved were just orange specks.
Edward stood still as I analyzed his true self. His outburst broke the silence.
"FINE BELLA, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO I REALLY AM?! HERE!"
Edward flexed his perfect muscles, the only beautiful part left on his body. He grabbed a needle, and right after flexing once more, he shoved the needle in. They popped. He did the same with his other arm and belly. Fake muscles, just cheap balloons. Edward was really a skinny dill-hole.
I looked at my once perfect vampire, with every feature I loved gone. Well, except his personality, maybe. But who really cared about that stuff? I couldn't love him anymore.
I didn't love him anymore.
Sudden fury swept over me as I realized something: He let me kiss him!
"EDWARD, YOU'VE LIED TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME! I HATE YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION! HOW COULD I EVER LOVE YOU?! YOU DIRTY, ROTTING, STINKY, UGLY, S.O.B."
"Fine," Edward responded after a while,"Then I guess you should know another secret I've been hiding from you, ALL of you."
Alice's breath caught. Rosalie stopped laughing.
"I'm......"
We all waited in anticipation.
"GAY!"
Huh? No, no, no, no. I couldn't process this information.
"What?!" Alice and Rose both said at the same time.
"Yeah, that's right world. I'm gay, and very proud! You should've known, Alice! Watching me try on your tutu skirts every day, dancing ballet. There's still one more thing I need to tell you guys!" He snickered.
"Well, spill!" Rosalie spat.
Edward paused, teasing us, then cried,"I'M IN LOVE WITH JACOB BLACK!"
I didn't want to believe any of this. Edward wasn't hot? He won't do my bidding, anymore? He's gay!?
Suddenly, Jake appeared in front of the bathroom door. (What the hell....)
"I'm in love with you, too!" he shouted with pure joy.
Damn, my Plan B was taken.
Everyone was silent as the two smiled at each other.
"Well then, Jacob Black," Edward walked over to him and knelt on one knee.
Oh no.
"I promise to love you with all my heart, for the rest of eternity, will you marry me?"
Jacob squealed like a little girl.
"Of course, Eddie!"
And with that, Edward jumped into Jacob's big arms, and they ran off together to the nearest church. Edward changed into one of Rosalie's gowns.
Too much to handle. A weight was pulling me down under. I fell to the floor, which smelled of urine, and my eyes snapped shut.
Well, at least Mike was still available.