Disclaimer: Gintama does not belong to me. It belongs to Sorachi Hideaki.

Author: Totoro504

Pairing/Characters Dedicated to: Abuto and Sakata Gintoki.

Rated: T for mentions of porn, cursing, and inappropriate subjects. Oh, and hints of yaoi.

Genre: Humor, Crack, and Drunk rants.

Summary: Sakata Gintoki and Abuto met in the back of the bookstore. Later on, they decided to go to the bar and drink together. Read on and discover the awkward conversations they exchange.

A lot of people knew that Sakata Gintoki has a huge drinking problem once night time rolls around the corner. It is the reason why Kagura and Shinpachi makes it their duty to hide the stash of money from him; but somehow, the bastard always finds where it is no matter what—under the couch, in a plastic bag stuffed into the toilet's tank, Kagura's pillowcase, Sadaharu's poop, and in a rotten egg carton. Three months flew by and they finally gave up after they took the money they needed to live. Then they would leave the spare change for the poor silver-haired bastard to use on his alcoholic beverages.

This is the reason why Gintoki, left with only spare changes in his pocket, was roaming around Kabuki district with a solemn look on his face. He was staring at the high class bar with down-casted look in his eyes, inwardly cursing out Kagura and Shinpachi for stealing his "hard-earned" money. Gintoki's shoulders slumped forward in depression, fingering the coins and few bills in his pockets. Lifting his head up, he scratched the back of his hair and sighed. I might as well hit the book store. And so, he made his way to the place with a little reluctance. Pushing the glass doors open, he was greeted with cool air hitting his face from the air-conditioner.

"Welco—Oh. It's you." The cashier stared at him with nonchalance and rolled his eyes. The man jabbed his thumb towards a section in the backroom. "There's someone else in there today, but you'll find the usual."

Gintoki grunted in annoyance from the treatment, "Whatever." Digging in his pockets, he pulled out a few coins and threw them on the counter brashly and strolled to the back of the room.

"Tch. Hey bastard, you have two hours in there. That's it!"

"Got it," Gintoki replied, thrusting his index finger into his earhole, rotating it a couple of times. He entered the backroom to find the once bright room completely dark, save for the purple lights shining in the corner to illuminate the small place a bit. He squinted his maroon-colored eyes to get a better glimpse at the tall built man in the corner and then gaped. "You!"

Abuto looked up at the sound of screaming, and blinked. "Oh…It's you…You're the crazy guy who killed Housen," he said blandly, a bit taken aback by surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you that! What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out in space with the creepy captain of yours trying to dominate the world?" Gintoki retorted.

"Not really…The captain that wants to dominate the world is the guy with the small eyes…I mean eye," Abuto said, flipping to the next page of…Holy shit that's the new edition of Play Boy. Gintoki stared longingly at the magazine in the Yato's hands, mouth watering with saliva slightly. "Anyway, captain decided to come down to Earth today to visit his psychotic sister. I'm just here because I have time on my hand, and this is my favorite bookstore. What about you?"

"Don't have enough money to pay for alcohol so I wanted to read some porn magazine," he answered mindlessly. He then pointed at the magazine Abuto was holding. "Are you going to read that or not?" Abuto raised his eyebrows and snapped it shut, tossing it towards Gintoki. "Thanks," he mumbled, seating himself in the opposite direction of the alien—but just near the purple lights to see the pictures clearly.

Seeing as how there was nothing to do, Abuto reached over next to Gintoki and grabbed a magazine, retracting his hand to himself. Randomly, the amanto started out awkwardly, "So…how is the captain's younger sister doing?"

The samurai snorted at the incredulous question. "Eats my food like a cow, spends my money on more disgusting food, steals more of my money to feed her damned dog, argues with a sadist, and she sleeps in a closet. The rest is repeated every single day. And why the hell would that crazy bastard want to visit Kagura? I thought he was after my guts."

"He's received a notification from a couple of spies saying the girl was being flirted by a crazy young man with a bazooka."

"And?"

"Captain wanted to have a fight with the man."

Gintoki furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What the fu—"

"Don't ask."

"Wha—"

"Don't. Ask."

Reluctantly, Gintoki nodded and left that topic alone.

Five minutes of silence.

Ten minutes of silence.

Fifteen minutes of silence.

Twenty minutes of silence.

Twenty five—"How do you feel about losing an arm?"

Abuto gave him a flat stare. "Details you man-child."

The silver-haired samurai shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just wondering. How do you feel about losing your left arm? Isn't it harder for you to jack off?"

"And you're thinking of this why?"

"Curiosity."

The Yato shook his head and scowled, "It's not. I'm ambidextrous."

"You must have had double the pleasure then when you had both your arms."

"I don't," Abuto said starkly.

"Sure," Gintoki mumbled in disbelief, turning the page.

"Yeah…" Abuto's face scrunched up at the porno magazine in his hands. "I don't understand why so many people like hentai."

Cue, the incredulous alien stare directed at him. "You don't?"

"Not really…The girls are cartoon. Why would I get turned on by cartoon and not real life figure?"

"You can't say that because we're cartoon characters too."

"Anime characters actually."

"Shut up."

"Sure…"

There was another silence that fell through them, and Gintoki and Abuto went through the stashes of porn within an hour. The samurai was thinking calmly about the odd predicament he was in, wondering just how in the hell he managed to get stuck in a room with Abuto—looking at porn magazines. He could have left. Then again…he had already paid to read, and he wouldn't get a refund even if he threw himself down on the ground and begged….And there was no way Sakata Gintoki would even beg to begin with.

"HEY! BOTH OF YOU! TWO HOURS IS UP! GET OUT OF THE STORE OR GIVE ME MORE MONEY!"

They both sighed and put down their magazine, standing up and stretching their legs. Shoulders slumped, Gintoki and Abuto exited the porn room briskly in a casual manner. Once they were out, they exchanged looks and then stared at the opposite direction.

"So…"

"So…" Gintoki kicked an empty can at a person's head making Abuto crack a small smirk.

"Want to get a drink?"

"…You're paying right?"

"Naturally."

"Just do it."

Later on after they become shit-wasted.

"Kamui just doesn't understand the pain I have to go through! Every day, he's always making homosex—homosex…I don't even remember that word right now! But he's always cracking those jokes at me, and then forces me to make a sandwich for him! That used to be Ungyo, but then the stupid bastard killed him on accident!" Abuto ranted angrily, slamming his fist on the counter. "It's probably not even on accident because Ungyo beat him at UNO one time!"

Gintoki shook his head, "At least you don't have to deal with his damned little sister! You should see her when she's hungry! It's like her stomach is a black hole, and she can't stop stuffing her face once she gets ahold of a rice po—po—POT or something!" The samurai was red in the face, and he hiccupped, throwing his face down on the counter. "Ugghhh…What's worse is that my underlings don't even appreciate me."

"He treats me like crap."

"They steal my stuff even if I took them in."

"He gets on my nerves when he tells me to do something and never give me one damn thank you."

"I have to put my ass on the line for them."

"I end up fixing the problems he caused."

"They don't appreciate me enough."

"He kicks me in the nuts if I ask him for a small favor."

"Kagura and Shinpachi just doesn't understand that I drink because of them."

"I'm forced to braid his hair."

"I have to deal with that stupid fanboy."

"Then he bitch slaps me in the face with his braid."

"He takes my money and spends it on his CD, and he doesn't even realize why I get so angry."

"Captain needs to grow the fuck up."

"Yeah…I should tell them that. Maybe then they'll understand," Gintoki finally said. He glanced at Abuto. "Thanks for listening to my pro—pro—problems." His mind was becoming a bit hazy from all of the alcohol buzzing through him.

Abuto however, did not notice. "—I don't care if that little shrimp is stronger than me. He just can't waltz into my room and steal half of my drawers."

"H-Hey."

"Sometimes, he makes me go suicidal."

"Hey."

"Maybe I should try punching his iron nuts one day. See how he feels—"

"HEY!"

The older amanto snapped out his rant and craned his neck to face Gintoki. "Oh…Sorry…"

"It's okay.…Thanks for listening to my…whatever I guess."

"Yeah…Same here…."

Abuto and Gintoki coughed awkwardly, and glanced at the other direction. Finally, Gintoki asked,

"…What do we do now?"

"…."

Sakata Gintoki vowed to never go to the bookstore ever again because when he woke up, he was stark naked with Abuto lying next to him.

Me: So people are probably thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Well I would like to clarify one thing. This story is just mainly crack. Meaning crack genres, and crack pairings. Me and gyarulikdat2 decided this when we were in our room. We wrote most of the characters, in Gintama's, name down on a strip of paper. Then we put it in my Urahara hat, shook it, and mixed it up and picked two paper out of it. As you can tell, I got Abuto and Gintoki. And this is what I came up with. I hope that at least, ONE person liked it or something. So yeah, don't expect prepared couples, because it's not. We picked out of a hat randomly.

AND NOW YOU KNOW THE BACKGROUND TO HOW WE CAME UP WITH THIS STORY. SO DO ME A FAVOR AND:

REVIEW.