Shades of Grey

Pairings: Axel/Roxas

Rating:

Warnings: Yaoi

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or the characters involved.

Summary: So many shades to sift through, it was almost as if I didn't want to but curiosity is a force greater than fear sometimes.

Author's Note: Happy AkuRoku day! 100 Theme Challenge for Writers: Shades of Grey! Enjoy ^_^

All these specific words, all his keen phrases and every tiny movement. What did they mean? The lines were all blurred and I could barely see the difference of shades. Maybe I was being too feminine and over thinking the situation but is it simply a feminine trait to ponder your emotions? Are emotions only for girls anyways? Society says so. I didn't care if sitting there with the pink and blue cotton candy sky as company was girly because the questions were no longer nagging. The questions were screaming.

Who would have thought that I, Axel Fury, would be conquering the biggest question there ever could be in a close friendship: are we more than just friends? It was a terrifying and exciting idea. I had no clue how exactly I felt for him because I'd never been in love before. I had never tasted the sweet fruit that grew from that tree. I knew I loved him and I knew he was more amazing than anyone else I had met. Best friends are supposed to think that, right? I didn't know anymore. I could picture myself kissing him, I could picture my hands touching his warm skin and I could picture us together… Did that mean I loved him as more than someone who I affectionately called my brother? I didn't know, good God, I didn't know.

When he'd brush against my hand, I got excited. When he sat close to me in the booth of our favorite restaurant when we were with our friends, a smile bloomed on my face without me even realizing it sometimes. Did those things mean anything? Why did I always end up putting my arm around him at that diner? I put it on the seat but it was around him nonetheless. We got mistaken for a couple more often than not because of my mannerisms. Were they really just that though, or was I acting like his boyfriend without realizing it? Did I act like that to anyone else? The answer was simple: no, I did not.

"Hey Axel," He stated calmly while he sat beside me, carefully watching his pale blue ice cream. Was he sitting closer than most guy friends would? I couldn't tell because it was him and this was how we always sat. "Where's your ice cream?" He was looking at me with eyes like the sky and hair like wheat in the breeze. I had forgotten to get the ice cream in my dazed contemplations.

"I ate it, got it memorized?" I smirked a little and leaned back with one knee bent to look at the scene upon the horizon. How many sunsets had we watched together? How many lazy days had we spent lounging around the beach in nothing but swim trunks? He seemed to pick up on my distraction. His hand was on my shoulder and the little appendage felt so warm and caring. Was that normal?

"You okay, fire-crotch?" He asked with the endearing insult to make me smile, which it did. It was him, who else could make fun of my red hair and get a chuckle and grin? Only him. Damn the shades of our friendship, damn the way that his lips were pouting and damn the way that I was getting pretty sure that I felt like he was more than my friend.

So many shades to sift through, it was almost as if I didn't want to but curiosity is a force greater than fear sometimes. He was so close and I wanted to kiss him. Maybe I would, maybe I could, except for the flurry of bats that beat at the walls of my stomach. Did Ithat/I mean I was in love with him, or at least had a crush on him?

It dawned on me then, that my feelings to a point did not matter, because if he found them out, our friendship could end. I never wanted to lose him, he was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He was there when I was down, laughing when I was up and he could be counted on to see all of the spaces in between. He had been there when I almost beat Demyx into the ground. He had helped me when I broken my arm and couldn't carry any of my stuff. He had always been there when I needed someone to watch a scary movie with and he had always vacuum cleaned the bowl of popcorn with his face before I got more than a handful.

"Yeah, just thinking." I chuckled in response to the memories that ran vagrant through my mind. Stupid things like the carnival when he ended up with bubble gum in his hair and spent hours with me in the bathroom getting it out. The time where Demyx and Sora had an energy drink contest and both had drank red bull until they couldn't sit still anymore and had in turn attacked both Roxas and I. The time Zexion slept over my house and I had to go pick Roxas up because… Why did I have to pick him up? He was angry, but would never tell me why.

"I thought I smelt something burning." He smiled good naturedly and took a bite of his ice cream. I could never do that, it was always too cold but the blonde didn't have sensitivity to coldness or something ridiculous like that.

"Hey, do you remember that time Zexion was sleeping over my house?" My question erased the carefree expression off of his face, and it was replace with a serious one. It was almost blank actually. He nodded and so I continued. "Why were you angry? You never told me."

"I had a fight with Sora." The answer was airy and I scrunched up my face to think.

"No, Sora was with Kairi, Riku and Naminé. They went to Hollow Bastion for the week and Sora didn't have a way to get in touch with us, because I remember him bitching about how he forgot his iPod and had to listen to Riku snoring all week." I shook my head while speaking and he avoided my gaze.

"Zexion likes you." He half snapped after a few moments of near silence in which he angrily ravaged his ice cream. I felt slightly bad when he chomped away on it but laughed when he said that.

"Yeah, just like Sora and Riku are cheating on their girlfriends to have sex when no one's looking." I teased and he glared daggers. For a while there had been a large rumor that Sora and Riku were secretly having a relationship, and Roxas had believed it.

"Shut up, he asked me advice on how to get you." He was getting pissed and I didn't know what else to say because if Zexion did in fact like me, that would make things a little awkward when we all hung out. He was attractive, sure, but I wasn't interested in him. I actually hadn't even given him a thought in that way despite knowing his sexuality.

"That's weird. So, what was he going to do that night?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing, it's Zexion, do you really think he'd make a move on you? Not everyone is as bold as you are." He yelled and it was a little unwarranted which was interesting. Once again I wondered what that meant though, because he was being irrational.

"So… you were jealous?" I was almost afraid of the question and even more terrified of his answer. Maybe he liked Zexion and didn't want to risk me putting any 'moves' on him.

"Why would I be jealous?"

"Well, Zexion is pretty nice looking, I don't know, I thought you were into him." I said slowly. "I'd never make a move on a guy you're after, don't worry." I said with a confident smile as he smiled. My expression vanished as he burst into laughter and nearly fell backwards into the clock tower. "What's so funny?" I nervously chuckled and waited while he recovered. His eyes were watery from the hysterical laughter and his joyous tears were like pearls of colors, filled with all different oranges and red reflected back from the sunset.

"Zexion is nice looking, sure, me into him though? That's funny." He rolled his eyes and ate more of his ice cream, leaving me confused once again with all the different hues and depths of our friendship swirling through my mind.

"Were you afraid that I was going to do something with him?" His face was sobering up and he was chewing the last bites of his sea salt treat more carefully.

"Curiosity killed the cat, Axel and you have those damn cats eyes." He refused to look at me when he said it so all I could do was stare at his profile outlined by the waves in the distance, the sand upon the beach and the canvas of the sky.

"Satisfaction brought him back. I have human eyes by the way, I was not born a cat. So really, this rhyme doesn't apply to me at all, I am human, the thing doesn't say 'curiosity killed the curious co-ed' it says cat, so come on." I chuckled at my own joke but he did not.

"Can't we drop this Axel? I really don't want to talk about it."

"Was it me?" I kept pressuring because I couldn't stop, I wanted to know, I needed to know how he felt. Maybe we had been dating all along, without even realizing. Maybe the reason I couldn't tell if we were friends or more was because there was never a clear line for us. I couldn't remember a time when we weren't so close.

"Axel I really don't-"

"Please, Roxy, come on. I could never stop being your friend." He looked at me then, with his blue ocean eyes and freckled skin. He looked confused, hurt and scared but I was too deep into my own will. I wanted to know. I wanted to hear the words from his lips.

"Yes, it was you. I didn't want him to touch you or you to touch him, hell, I didn't want you to even look at him!" He was practically spitting those things at me, as if they were weapons because he was angry again. "I can't fucking say no to you. I hate this. I hate watching everyone lust after you and then pretend to be your best friend when I don't want that."

"Whoa, who lusts after me?" I blinked in confusion trying to figure out a way to process everything he had just said.

"Zexion, Demyx, Naminé did for a while, Xion, Larxene, Selphie, Rikku you know, Demyx's sister, Fuu Zexion's little sister, Olette-"

"Hold your horses Blondie, Olette has Pence, Fuu and Rikku are what, thirteen? They're probably ogling every older boy who is half attractive. Selphie is also chasing three other guys and I've turned her down already, Xion is a fruit fly, have you ever seen her without a gay guy or lesbian on her arm? Naminé has Riku, and Demyx has never once made any sort of inclination he felt that way towards me, I'm actually pretty sure he's got it bad for Zexion." I blew apart his argument and he huffed a breath.

"Whatever." He started to get up and leave but maybe I saw a glimmer of shining white through all the grey or maybe he just looked really hot when he was angry. Either way I jumped up beside him and grabbed his wrist.

"Roxas, don't walk away from me." I warned him but the short ones always have the largest tempers, right? So much anger in such a small body.

"I'll fucking walk away from you if I want to." He ripped his hand back but didn't walk anywhere.

"Tone down the testosterone, got it memorized? Will you just listen to me?"

"Shut up, okay, there's nothing to listen to! I don't want to see your face." He snapped and did walk away this time.

"No you'd rather just leave me alone and confused like fucking Ialways/I!" Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say, maybe that was something much too hurtful because he had never truly left me alone, but I was angry.

"Whatever Axel," he flipped me off while storming down through the door and to the stairs. I hung my head over the side of the building to wait for him because I wanted the last words and if I followed him we'd only fight more and more as the hours passed. When his lithe form was visible I nearly screamed at him.

"If you wanted my cock you could have said so! I would have fucking given you anything!" He stilled from beneath my high altitude and looked up at me. I wanted to take back my words because he was crying. I wanted to apologize and tell him everything would be okay like I always did, but I had been the one to fuck up this time. He turned and continued to walk without saying anything else.

I punched the bricks beneath me and swore more because it Ihurt/I to punch cement. IWay to go, Axel, brilliant as always./I his small voice was playing in my head and I only ended up kicking the tower before storming down it.

"Fucking great way to be sensitive and caring, wonderful way to fucking tell him you think you might be in love with him. What the hell is wrong with you?" I was yelling at myself, not caring if I seemed insane, not that anyone else was around, but that didn't matter. "Stupid prick, can't control yourself for five minutes, can you Axel? I hate you. You know that? I hate you so fucking much. We hurt Roxas… Damn it. I fucking hurt Roxas!" I punched another wall and yelped in pain as this time the already scuffed skin broke open a small bit, the tiny flecks of red blood almost like the red of the sunset reflected back on his flaxen hair.

Why was I so stupid? Why was I so insensitive? Why couldn't I just say what I meant and not make everything a manipulative game? I was so full of guilt that it ached a little more than I had expected. It stung as I saw him moving slowly through the barren streets. He was heading home, to curl into bed and mope I presumed. It was always what he did when he was upset, usually he called me and we'd watch movies or play video games while swearing at one another for killing each other. I wouldn't get a call this time, I would get ignored if I did call, and he would be alone.

"Roxas," I yelled to him while jogging to catch up. His hands balled into fists and one hand shot to his face to wipe it I presumed. He sped up a little and tried to avoid me, his house was in sight… I latched onto his arm and pulled him to a halt. It was hard for me to catch my breath and in that time he fastened a glare onto my face.

"What the hell do you want?" Sharpened daggers would be duller than the tone of his voice and if looks could kill…

"To apologize."

"Okay, you apologized, now leave me alone."

"Roxy I-"

"Don't call me that you asshole!" He snapped and fully pulled his wrist from my grasp once more as if my mere touch was scalding his skin.

"Roxas, I'm sorry, I got angry, I'm confused, I was insensitive. You know me, I didn't mean to hurt you, you're my best friend." I forced a small smile and chuckle while gently punching his shoulder. The look on his face did not resolve though.

"You ripped out my heart and threw it on the ground, what makes you think that I'm going to stick around and talk to Iyou/I?" His face betrayed his emotions just as much as his words did. His skin was blotchy from the tears he had been crying and his lips were hardened to a line.

"Because I need to fix that, I'll dust it off and keep it in a safe little box, okay? Under my pillow, come on, I'm stupid, tell me how stupid I am, tell me how much you hate me, just let me play COD with you tonight." I smiled delicately and nudged him a little. His body was unmoving as he thought and heaved a sigh before relenting.

"I could never hate you." He mumbled in response before walking ahead of me, not opposing me as I followed.

"Good, because I love you." I placed an arm around his shoulder and despite his rigidity he didn't shrug it off. It was a start. I'm an asshole, I've got anger problems, I think I'm in love with my best friend and I couldn't be happier to hold him close.