These characters are not mine, yada yada.

Because Kim made me.

Relationship Fairy

Subject: Stephanie Plum

Sent: 7/30/09 8:00 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time

From: SpoilerSluts

Dear Relationship Fairy,

We realize that you are very busy. However, it has come to our attention that Stephanie Plum and Ricardo Carlos Manoso, AKA Ranger, have been avoiding a real relationship for quite some time. We hope that you would be willing to take time out of your busy schedule to give these two a nudge in the right direction.

Respectfully,

The Sluts

Subject: Re: Stephanie Plum

Sent: 7/30/09 9:00 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time

From: Lovegoddessfairy

Dear Sluts,

Unfortunately, my time is limited at the moment. I'm aware of the couple you are referring to, but the time commitment is just too great to fit into my current schedule. Feel free to contact me again at a later date, and hopefully my time will be more in line with your needs.

All in love,

Glory, the Relationship Fairy

Subject: Re:Re: Stephanie Plum

Sent: 7/31/09 7:00 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time

From: SpoilerSluts

Glory,

While we are fully aware of the obstacles, we believe that the end result is worth the amount of work these two would require. And really, it's been years already. Surely at some point in the last few years, you've had the opportunity to get this done? We don't mean to imply that you aren't competent at your job, but...perhaps an audit is in order?

Frustrated,

The Sluts

Subject: Re:Re:Re: Stephanie Plum

Sent 7/31/09 10:00 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time

From: Lovegoddessfairy

Sluts-

Listen, don't threaten me! Those two already have a close relationship. Not my fault they're getting it on elsewhere. They are stuck so far in denial I'm not sure there's any hope of getting them to pull their heads out of their assess. Do you know how hard I had to work just to get them to the point they were at after Mr. Manoso's daughter was kidnapped? I thought at that point they were fine to handle the rest on their own, but noooo, not those two! And it's not like I can take the direct approach, either, as both of them would reject out of hand the notion that it wasn't all their idea. If you think you can do better...

Pissed,

Glory

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re: Stephanie Plum

Sent: 7/31/09 2:00 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time

From: SpoilerSluts

Glory,

Calm down. There was never any threat made. Although perhaps you hit on the solution in your last email. As subtlety does not seem to be working, perhaps the direct approach is more in line with what this couple needs. We know both of these two respect honesty, maybe a little tough love will do the trick? And what a coup for you, really, as anyone can see what a difficult undertaking this would be...

Hopefully,

The Sluts

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Stephanie Plum

Sent: 8/1/09 3:00 A.M. US Mountain Standard Time

From: Lovegoddessfairy

Sluts,

I've thought about what you said. I've been up all night trying to figure out what to do, and maybe you're right. As soon as I slam down enough coffee to be able to fly, I'm off to Trenton. Just so you know, this is their last shot. If this doesn't work, I'm turning my back on them forever.

Resigned,

Glory

******************************************************************************

(Trenton, NJ, early Saturday morning)

Stephanie slowly eased toward consciousness. As she stretched, she became aware of a presence in her room. Heart pounding, she began to slowly scan her surroundings as unobtrusively as she could.

"About damned time you got up!"

She noticed the diminutive figure hovering over her dresser. Okay, I must be dreaming.

The fairy, for lack of a better word, snorted. "You're not dreaming, now wake up, we have to talk!"

"What?"

"Listen, stupid, my time is valuable, and this is your last shot!"

If I'm not dreaming, I must be hallucinating. Better go along with it, I think... "My last shot at what?"

"Contentment, personal fulfillment, true love, happily ever after, all that stuff."

Stephanie shook her head, trying to clear it. "What?"

"Are you always this slow, or are you not a morning person?"

She let the insult go, no need to argue with a hallucination. "I'm definitely not a morning person."

"Well get up, get some coffee, splash some cold water on your face, whatever. You don't want to miss this."

Bemused, she did as she was told. Pouring herself a cup of coffee, she offered one to her guest.

"I don't suppose you have a thimble?"

"Uh, no, sorry."

"I'll be right back." With that, the fairy popped out of existence.

Huh, wonder if she knows Diesel.

*pop* "Only in passing. He's resistant to my particular skills."

Trying not to show how startled she was, she carefully filled the thimble the fairy held out to her.

"Ahh, thanks. I'm running on too little sleep as it is, and I know this is going to take more time than I can afford."

"What, exactly, is this? Who are you and what do you want? What's going on?"

"All good questions. Awake enough to talk now?" At Stephanie's nod, she continued. "My name is Glory, and I'm the Relationship Fairy."

"But-"

"No interruptions, please, I'm on a tight schedule. There will be time for questions after I'm finished. You need a dose of reality. I'm going to ask you a few questions, and you're going to answer off the top of your head, no stopping to think or second guess yourself. Ready?"

"I guess so."

"What are five things you need from a relationship?"

"Trust, honesty, fidelity, support, and love."

"No white picket fence, 2.5 kids, perfect pot roasts at six?"

Stephanie shuddered. "God, no!"

"Good. Moving on."

"Which of those five things are you currently receiving from Mr. Morelli?"

"Umm, trust, not so much. Honesty? Shit. Fidelity? Well, maybe, when we're on again... Support? Not usually. Except maybe that time I quit my job. Or when I first started it... Love? He says he loves me."

"And is that enough for you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you feel loved?"

"Sometimes."

"Same question, different subject. Which of those five things are you currently receiving from Mr. Manoso?"

"Trust? I trust him. I'm pretty sure he trusts me too. Honesty? Ranger's always honest with me. When he speaks, anyway. Fidelity? Doesn't really apply, but...if he said he would be, I would never doubt it. Support? Always. I count on it. Love? I'm not sure what kind of love he means, but I know he loves me."

"Next question: Which of those five things are you currently giving to Mr. Morelli?"

"Oh boy. Trust? Not really. Honesty? We sorta have a habit of fibbing to each other...it's not really bad if we both expect it, right? Fidelity? Well, umm, mostly, except for a few poaching incidents...shit. Support? Sometimes. I mean, he has a really crappy job, but he's good at it. It's hard to be supportive when he never tells me what's going on. Love? Yeah, I love Joe."

"Same question, different subject. Which of those five things are you currently giving to Mr Manoso?"

"Trust we've covered. I sometimes try to fib to Ranger, but he usually sees right through it. Fidelity? Again, doesn't really apply. Support? When he needs me, I'm there. Love? *sigh* Yeah, I love him too."

"So let me get this straight: Your actual 'boyfriend' is the one with whom you don't share many of the things you say you need, but Mr. Manoso, with whom you do share these things, isn't boyfriend material?"

*sigh* "Joe and I are in an off phase right now. Besides, you don't understand. It's complicated. You see, Ranger-"

"We're not talking about him. We're talking about you: what you need, and what you're willing to give. Think about this: You're choosing the one who wants you to change everything about yourself in order to give you a life you don't even want, while you turn your back on the one who accepts you as you are and offers everything you say you need."

"I admit, it doesn't make much sense on paper, but you're not taking everything into consideration. I mean, Ranger hasn't actually offered anything but sex!"

"No, he just gives it to you. Even while you're with another man."

*stunned silence*

"Think about it. The life you want is within your grasp, if you only have the courage to take it. Last question: Who is the best man you know?"

*sigh* (quietly) "Ranger"

"I thought so. Sleep on it Stephanie. You need to make some decisions."

"Yeah, I guess."

*************************************************************************

(A few minutes later)

*pop*

Ranger quickly reaches toward his hip. Hand on his gun, he asks "Who are you and how did you get in here?"

"My name is Glory. We don't have much time. It's about Stephanie."

*glares* "What about her? Is she alright?"

*shrug* "As alright as she ever is. Listen, she's going to call you later. Be sweet."

"And you know this, how?"

"It's what I do. Do you want her?"

"Yes."

"Good. Last chance to show her. She'll never put herself out there again if you keep your distance this time."

*nod* "And what exactly is it that you do?"

"I'm the relationship fairy."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Not this time. Hello, can you see me?"

"Yes. It's the only reason you're still breathing."

"Please, as if bullets can hurt me."

Faster than she can follow, he snatches her out of mid air. "Don't need bullets. What have you done to Stephanie?"

She's frightened, but notices that he's taken care not to injure her, and so answers. "Just asked her a few questions. Made her think, for once. She's fine."

He gently releases her, and she flies out of reach, she hopes.

"Hmmpf! That's gratitude for you!"

"I don't know yet that there is anything to be grateful for."

"I told you. Be sweet. The life you want is within your grasp, if you only have the courage to take it."

*pop*

*************************************************************************

(phone rings)

"Babe. You okay?"

"I think so. I think I just had an odd dream."

"You think?"

"Well, it seemed very real at the time."

"Glory?"

"How did you-did she come see you?"

"Yes. She told me you were going to call. She said if I want you, be sweet."

(softly) "And do you?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"For as long as you'll have me, Babe."

"Thank God."

*************************************************************************

*pop* "My work here is done. Now maybe the sluts will get off my back."

(And they lived happily ever after, of course)