1Seven Floors of Crazy
Written for the "Randomness" challenge
Harry awoke to another glorious day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and best of all he hadn't had a single wet dream the entire night.
See, the problem was that ever since he was young, Harry had developed a secret fetish for socks, and most recently he had been having a recurring dream where he was making out with a particular pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks, (To be exact, the ones he used to silence his sneakascope). These dreams lead to some very unfortunate late night accidents.
But not today!! No, Harry was going to forget about that sexy piece of his clothing. Never again will he have to wash his sheets at three in the morning. No, today was looking good.
So Harry jumped out of bed and literally flew into his clothes, colliding with Ron in mid air.
"Ron," Harry said Dazed as he rubbed the point of impact on his head. "What in the name of Walt Disney's Aladdin are you doing?"
"I-I" Ron stumbled over his words before finding an excuse. "I thought I could fly."
"Ron," Harry said pointedly, standing and looking at his friend. "Did you have that dream about pie again."
"Yes," said Ron guiltily, looking at the ground. "This time it was raspberry."
"Then why did you jump into the air?"
"IwasgonnagoandaskGinnytojumpnakedoutofagiantraspberrypiesothatIcouldlickitoffher." Ron said quickly.
Harry just looked at the red head as he was trying to remove certain mental images from his brain, successfully lowering his I.Q. by three points.
"You. . . Want to go get some breakfast?" Harry asked slowly, trying to change the subject.
"Sure," Ron said smiling, already forgetting about what and who had been in his fantasies lately. "We should get Hermione first though. Remember the last time we went to breakfast without her."
"Ah yes," Harry said remembering the year before when Hermione, given fifteen minutes alone, managed to free half of the house elves and formed the rest into formidable resistance. The only thing that had stopped the riot was Dumbledore's quick thinking and tons of drugged candy.
So Harry and Ron skipped halfway down the stairs towards the common room, realized they looked gay while skipping and tried to stop in mid-skip. Long story short, they fell. Jumping up and regaining form from the devastating tumble, Harry was pleased to see that Hermione was already in the common room, waiting on them.
"Well good morning you two," she said looking at the two boys. "And did either of you have any of those 'special' dreams last night?"
"Nope," Harry said gladly, earning small applause from the few people in the common room.
"Yes," Ron said, once again looking downcast.
"It wasn't me jumping out of a blueberry pie naked again, was it?" Hermione asked in her signature bossy voice, complete with scowl, stance and action kung-fu grip.
"No, this time it was raspberry and Ginny," Ron replied. Ginny had happened to overhear this and decided that life was no longer worth living, and proceeded throw herself out of the window.
They stood in silence before Colin Creevy ran past the three with his younger brother, screaming at the top of his lungs, "YAY FRENCH TOAST DAY MUTHA FUCKAS!!"
"French toast sounds good," said Harry, using this oddly convenient plot device to move them on into the great hall. And so, the golden trio started the long and perilous journey to the great hall.
They had barley made it to the first landing on the sixth floor when the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher jumped out of a doorway. He was dressed in a large fur coat and he had a smell like as if he had something was cooking in his trunk, if you know what I mean.
"Hey boogie-boogie my brain is an antelope! Have some mustard 'casue it's Easter in yo face!" He shouted, blocking Harry, Ron and Hermione's path. "My toenails!" He yelled after them as they managed to sidestep him.
"Man," Ron said, looking back to see the teacher drop his pants and releasing his bowels on several paintings, earning screams of outrage from their patrons. "Where did Dumbledore find that guy?"
"They say he's a veteran from world war 4.5." Hermione said.
"Wait," Harry said, stopping in his tracks. "I thought there was only two world wars."
"Well," the girl replied. "There was the two the muggles know about, and then the two and a half they don't know about."
"Who fought in the other two and a half?"
"The Moonanites, the Plutonians, Puerto Rico, and the Atlantians."
"Oh," Harry said, trying to absorb all the information.
They proceeded down to the fifth floor and encountered yet another weird problem.
They saw Peeves, floating in midair as usual, but this time locked in an epic sword fight with Neville Longbottom.
"She is mine!" Peeves snarled uncharacteristically, taking a large swipe at Neville's head, which he dodge gracefully, laughing at the feeble attempt.
"Myrtle will be mine!" Neville cried, unleashing a flurry of blows at Peeves, eventually catching him through the heart. Peeves exploded into confetti, while balloons fell from the ceiling and band music played from nowhere.
"You have passed the final test!" Came an announcers voice. "Congratulations, now you may claim your prize."
"What did I win?" Neville asked eagerly, obviously understanding what all this meant.
"Loony Tunes: Back In Action on DVD!"
And so the movie fell from the ceiling in front of a disappointed Neville. That's when Neville noticed the three stunned people, watching from afar.
"Hey you guys! You want to hear about my long and arduous story about my fight with the evil Peeves?"
Harry, Ron and Hermione just looked at each other before forcefully shoving Neville into a closet, locking the door.
"Harry!" came Neville's muffled yells. "aren't you the good guy?!"
But the three just laughed and walked away. But yet again, only one floor down did they meet something none of them would have wanted to see.
"But, Miss Minerva," came the tell tale voice of Dobby the house elf. "I love you with all that my heart is able to love."
"But it is a love that could never be," Minerva said, looking down upon the small creature with soft eyes.
"And why is that, Miss? Is it not what they say the heart gets what the heart wants?!"
Minerva stood and looked at house elf. Then, losing all self restraint, picked Dobby up into her arms and forced her tongue deep into his throat. Not caring to sit around and watch the lovefest,
the three ran screaming away finding, so they thought, solace on the second floor.
"THAT," Ron said, panting and leaning against the wall. "Was the most disgusting thing I've had to witness this week."
Harry and Hermione looked a each other and silently agreed, to out of breath to say anything. But that fact was wrong, terribly wrong.
The three caught their breaths when they saw something no child should ever see. Those with weak constitutions should stop reading now. To late!!
Severus Snape, who was the official leader of the United Gits of the World, was dancing down the hallway in a pink tutu. What was worse was the fact that he was singing.
(In the tune of "I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Wiener)
Oh I wish I were a pretty ballerina
That is all I truly wish to be
Cause if I were a pretty ballerina
All the boys would be in love with me!
Harry felt his eye twitch as Snape stopped and glared at them.
"You will tell no one of this," he said darkly, failing at an attempt to scare them due to the pink garment around his waste.
"And if we refuse to stay silent?" Harry asked boldly.
"You wouldn't want to know." was all Snape said getting close to Harry.
"Um. . . can we go now?"
"Okay," Snape said gaining composer and walking back the way he came. "But remember, don't tell a soul."
Once Snape had left, Ron turned to Harry.
"So, are we keeping the secret?"
"Yes, but we're going to black-mail his ass into oblivion," Harry said, rubbing his hands together.
And so, finally, Harry, Ron and Hermione made it to the Great Hall where there was what seemed the greatest breakfast feast in the world. There were waffles, french toast, pancakes, oatmeal, cereal, toaster strudels, toast, and potatoes, all of the highest quality.
As Harry's mouth started to water, Dumbledore's voice sounded across the hall.
"Harry Potter, report to my office at once."
And so Harry trudged back up several floors before reaching Dumbledore's office. The stairs were already waiting to take him up, and in less then no time, he was standing in front of Dumbledore.
"Harry," the old man said. "Quickly, tell me in detail everything that has happened to you this morning."
And so, Harry went into the retelling the story of the mornings events, telling of everything from the strange encounter between them and the new DADA teacher, to the chance encounter with Snape and his tutu.
"That concludes just about everything. . . I think," Harry said.
"That's all and well," Dumbledore said, standing up and revealing his bare legs. All three of them. "But where the hell are my pants?"
"I don't know, sir."
"When anything weird happens around here, it somehow leads back to you, so tell me, what have you done with my pants?"
Dumbledore looked at Harry, who was on the verge of vomiting, seeing the headmaster's old wrinkly. . . things.
"Since there is a lack of evidence that you are directly involved, I'll let you go this time, but keep an eye out for those pants."
"Yes sir."
Harry was about to leave the office before smacking himself in the head. "Oh crap, I forgot Neville! He's still in the closet!"
"Oh Harry," Dumbledore said. "Coming out of the closet is the greatest feeling in the world. You feel so free and everything turns into rainbows and unicorns. . . male unicorns ready to please you!" He finished laughing.
Harry felt his brain pop as an long overdue aneurism exploded in his head, making him pass out on the floor, never to reawakened again.
Epilogue—
After Harry's untimely death, Voldemort gave up his plans for world domination to pursue his dream. He and Snape now hold a ballet together, which is a world wide sensation.
Minerva McGonagle and Dobby were married, and had a batch of children. They currently hold the record for The Ugliest Family Alive.
Ron, who now had nothing to do, became morbidly obese, and has a vast collection of Beanie Babies.
Luna, surprisingly, has become the first Ministress of Magic, ruling with an iron fist. . . literally.
Hermione wrote a book, named 'I Lived On the Stupid Side of Life', which became number one on Oprah's book list, but it was soon discovered that Hermione had lied. She is currently living in Mexico, hiding from Oprah's wrath.
Ginny is still dead.
Neville now lives in the closet in Hogwarts. He married a rat and they are living happily ever after.
The End