Chapter 1: Familiar Things to Unknown Consequences
Ranma was running through the streets of Nerima as though the hounds of hell were at his heels and in a sense they were. You see, Ranma had once again said something to set off Akane's fury and was being pursued by said lass with Shinai in hand.
At least it's not a mallet this time, he mused.
That would have been okay (par for the course really) if it hadn't been for the other six crazed martial artists chasing him.
Why does this always happen to me thought Ranma bitterly as he narrowly dodged being skewered by one of Mousse's chained spears.
How did Ranma find himself in this predicament? You see after making some disparaging comments about Akane's 'thunder thighs' and claiming that she was 'built like a pummel horse,' which as far as Ranma was concerned was a perfectly accurate descriptor, he ended up igniting said Akane Tendo's limitless rage.
It wasn't his fault. You see, he had caught Happosai, perverted grandmaster of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, to which Ranma belonged, stealing a pair of Akane's undies… again. After a brief struggle with dimunitive master, Ranma managed to retrieve the pair, only, due to Happosai's skill and trickery he had somehow managed to get them stuck on his head. He, of course, punted the letch away. Unfortunately, Akane, just happened to walk in then… with him alone in the living room… with her undies on his head. Explanations were attempted, words like pervert and baka were thrown around and given that it was and Akane and Ranma involved in the conversation, things quickly devolved to comments like 'uncute thunder thighs' for his part and a seemingly magically appearing shinai for hers.
This would have been fine had a certain pig-boy not wandered in just as he levied the verbal blows. Of course, Ryoga was not about to let such insults to fair Akane go unpunished and joined her in the assault.
Even on a cloudy day and with dirt in his eye Ranma was confident he could wipe the floor clean with Ryoga, however with Akane running interference he was having some trouble.
Just a bit though. Nothing he couldn't handle.
So he was running through the streets mocking and goading his two assailants when he heard a cry from above.
"Beauteous Akane, I would let thee date with me!"
It was none other than the self monikered, Blue Thunder, also known as Tatewaki Kuno.
At least he's not after me too, Thought Ranma thankfully.
As it turns out, he spoke too soon.
Even as homed in, head first, on his target, he was met with a viscous round house kick to the face by the girl in question which hurled the delusional kendoist up, over and several feet infront of Ranma who now found himself somewhat boxed in.
Place emphasis on the word 'somewhat.'
Ranma seeing that way forward was blocked and desperate to lose his attackers decided to take a right into a street that was between him and Kuno.
"Foul Sorcerer" Kuno yelled "What has thou done to the beauteous Akane, to make her spurn my affections so. HAVE AT THEE, SCOUNDREL!"
Now he had done it. Still things weren't so bad. He would lose Akane and probably Kuno if he turned this into a rooftop chase.
As he was about to leap when he suddenly found his face impacted by the front wheel of a bicycle.
"Nihao, Airen" the purple haired Amazon greeted.
"Hi, uh listen, Shampoo," Ranma pried the wheel away from his face and set the bike and its occupant on the ground "this ain't tha best time. I really gotta-"
"Shampoo let Airen go if Airen give kiss."
"What!" Ranma sputtered suddenly seeming to lose his aloof swagger.
Shampoo took this opportunity to glomp him. "Yes, if Airen give Shampoo kiss, Shampoo let Airen through."
Even as she said this she leaned in seductively.
Ranma began looking nervously for away to escape.
Escape.
Suddenly Ranma remembered the reason why had to escape in the first and looked round to see his three attackers standing there with looks of unbridled fury on the faces.
First was Kuno.
"Oh, foul Saotome, vilest of scoundrels! Not content to bind both the beauteous Akane and the vivacious pigtailed girl to your will, you stretch you despicable magicks to this lovely vision as well? Nay, say I! Nay! Today ends the scourge of Saotome Ranma, once and for all!"
Next was Ryoga.
"RANMAAAAAA!" he yelled. "First you crush Akane's soft heart with you cruel words, then you tread on them with your feet by throwing yourself at the first woman that runs by! You don't deserve a girl like Akane! RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!"
"RANMAAAAAA!" growled Akane, oddly echoing Ryoga. "Y-You-"
She sputtered, seemingly unable to get words out (her mind clouded by rage no doubt).
Finally, she screamed. "YOU PERVERT!"
At that exact moment, even as the other three began charging at Ranma, Mousse just happened to walk by and caught sight of Shampoo draped over Ranma. Seeing things perfectly clearly for once and yet still coming to the wrong conclusion, Mousse wrongly assumed, as usual and as did everyone else, that it was Ranma putting the moves on Shampoo and not the other way around.
Naturally, he yelled, "RANMA! DIE!"
Options dwindling and seeing no way out Ranma took the only rational action available to him.
"Alright Shampoo, I'll kiss you."
Everyone froze mid attack which would have appeared quite comical to the non-committed observer.
"But first you have to close your eyes."
Even Shampoo seemed stunned his willing acquiescence as opposed to his usual skittishness around her. Still, she complied, closing her eyes and pouting her lips delicately.
Finding all about him temporarily incapacitated (though Mousse seemed to be overcoming his heartbreak at Shampoo giving herself to his enemy) Ranma did the only thing any sane man would do in the same situation…
And that was to slip himself out of the arms of the arms of death and run for the hills.
Suddenly the chase was on again.
Just then, as it was still early, Ukyo was busily setting up shop at her Okonomiyaki place when suddenly Ranma and his entourage ran by. Noting that her two rival fiancées, Shampoo and Akane, were among the people chasing, she took after them saying "I won't leave my Ranchan to you! Remember Ranma I am your 'cute' fiancée!"
As if the situation wasn't random and perplexing enough Kuno's quite mad sister, Kodachi Kuno, suddenly appeared in the midst of the attackers with a shrill "OOOOOHOHOHO!" adding afterwards "Remember Ranma-sama, only I am able to please you!"
So that is how we arrived at this point with some of his pursuers threatening death and the rest proclaiming love, the latter just as deadly as the former in Ranma's estimation.
Now Ranma was easily the fastest man in Nerima by a long shot yet somehow, when he was being chased by this horde he was never quite fast enough.
This was further complicated when, running at full speed, he was tripped by something that appeared at his feet as he ran past a street corner.
His fall was spectacular as he crashed, rolled and involuntarily somersaulted for several meters until he came to a halt meters ahead.
That was no ordinary fall, he shrewdly deduced and sure enough, looking behind him at the street corner where he tripped saw a tiny crinkled up old man barely repressing a villainous laugh.
Happosai!
"Hahaha! That is what you get for interrupting the fun of the grandmaster of the Anything Goes Grand Master, boy!" The little munchkin geezer chortled.
"You bastard, I'm gonna get you fer this!" Ranma swore even as his legs failed him again.
Looking ahead at the speedily approaching horde, Ranma accepted his fate.
At least, nothing else could go wrong, he thought.
Even as the thought crossed his mind water suddenly splashed him from seemingly out of nowhere.
The obviously blind, or at least, completely oblivious ladle lady had struck again.
Ranma felt the change as dark haired, 'he' suddenly became a short but rather voluptuous, redheaded 'she.' Ah, the gender curse he had gotten when his idiot father had taken him to the cursed training grounds of Jusenkyo. He would have to pay his old man for that one day.
While Ranma was out of it, Happosai's face suddenly lost its smugness and suddenly took on a look of pure, rosy-cheeked perverted joy. He pulled out a lacy pink bra from nowhere and gave happy cry of "SWEETO!"
This seemed to snap Ranma out of his thoughts. Try though he might he couldn't crawl away fast enough and Happosai, like a guided missile struck his target with ease; his target being Ranma's chest.
The Horde arrived just in time to see him laying there struggling to fight the letch with what was left of her might. Unfortunately, each member of the horde saw it in their own way.
Ryoga and Mousse both started weeping manly tears saying what amounted to "It pains me to see you like this Ranma. Let me put you out of your misery."
Ukyou and Shampoo proceeded to punt the letch into the stratosphere and the said something like, "Don't worry Ranchan/airen, I will take care of you."
Kuno was typical Kuno saying, "Foul sorcerer, you seek to escape vengeance by taking on the form of the lovely pigtailed girl. I shall free her from your vile grasp. HAVE AT THEE!"
Kodachi having missed the transformation and also unaware of the curse said something about 'low born girls' and relieving Ranma of his 'pigtailed harlot'.
Akane, who was temporarily shocked out of her pervert hunter-killer mode (though her mind was still clouded by anger), looked on in mild shock as Ranma was pounded to oblivion on the one hand, and smothered with affection on the other. Each person tying to shove off the other to secure exclusive pummeling/smothering rights. Even Happosai had magically re-appeared to bring his own lecherous bent to what was already a ridiculous sight.
This was short lived though as her mind suddenly reverted back to '…no baka' mode with such swiftness that the air behind her parted as rationality torpedoed away at light speed towards the horizon. Her frayed nerves already tested by the earlier 'panties on head' incident there would be saving the crossdressing pervert now. Eminently skilled martial artist or no, Ranma would be taking a non-stop flight across town courtesy of 'Air Akane.'
Oversized mallet materializing in her hands she began to summon up an age old battle cry…
"RANMAAAAAAA!"
Overwhelmed by 'attacks' of various kinds, Ranma mentally sighed.
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Here it comes…
"BAAAAAKAAAAAA!"
With a lurch she closed the distance surprisingly fast and connected the broadside of the mallet with the underside of his, no- her chin and launched her into the sky.
Familiar with this pantomime and unwilling to go without playing his part Ranma, responded with a mid air parting shot of "so uncuuuu…." The last consonant sound swallowed up by atmospheric forces.
"Hmph!" Akane remarked turning her nose sharply to the side "Who is he calling uncute."
Everyone around stared at her silently.
"What?"
Having been knocked about like bowling pins in an elephant stampede from the blowback of the attack they lay sprawled about in various positions making a loose semi-circle around her. A vein was bulging in Ukyo's head.
"Oh… sorry…"
They simply stared.
Meanwhile, soaring through the sky, positioned horizontally with arms folded behind her head, legs crossed and being propelled in the same direction as her crown, Ranma-chan stared with an irritated expression at the clouds passing by before him.
Why does she have to be so uncute? she thought.
Didn't she know that it wasn't her fault?
Sensing her orbit beginning to decay Ranma-chan began to right herself for a landing.
Feh! Whatever! At least I don't have to eat her cooking tonight.
Bent in like a foetus, she flipped over and over like a wheel, head over heels, falling, until suddenly, mere feet from the ground, she righted herself, lighting upon the soft grass, feet together and arms spread at an angle towards the sky, as though she were gymnast completing a perfect dismount.
The denizens of the park Ranma-chan had found herself in added to a sombre if somewhat comical scene by standing stock still and staring silently for several seconds. Then, as if on cue, they all at once returned back to doing whatever it is they were doing before he appeared as if redheads fell out of the sky all the time. This was Nerima, after all.
Returning to a more relaxed posture, Ramna-chan muttered out something that sounded like "unappreciative jerks."
Letting out a sigh, Ranma-chan turned on her heels to face the general direction of the Tendo dojo/family home, and began to walk. All these things she did while being watched in secret, by the curious eyes of a hunched over figure, some distance behind her, in the shadow of a tree. Eyes tipping the corners of a malevolent smile.
Whooo! Epic rewrite from half way in doods. I didn't like the direction I took it in before and decided to do over. Don't know where it is going as I am sort of writing by the seat of my pants. Hope you like it.