Heavy rain pelted the foggy window just above the worn leather couch. Olivia gently placed a record onto the tabletop player, lowered the needle, and sighed as the first notes of Bach's "Passacaglia and Fugue in C Minor" filled the room. Olivia wasn't a fan of classical music, but ever since Alex had left, she had listened to this concerto over and over again until she'd memorized every second of it. It was Alex's favorite, and it was the only thing that she'd found so far to bring her any comfort. Olivia sat down and leaned sideways against the back of the couch. Reaching over, she grabbed the grey sweatshirt off the arm of the couch, wrapped her arms around it, and held it close to her. She pressed it to her face and breathed in the familiar scent that still lingered on it. She closed her eyes and drifted back to the night she'd given it to Alex.
"Olivia!" Alex called, banging on the door. "It's Alex, open the door, please?!" Alex's voice was shaking, and Olivia could sense the urgency in her voice through the door. She rushed across the apartment, flung the door open, and before she knew what was happening, Alex was in her arms sobbing uncontrollably. They stood in the doorway, Olivia's arms wrapped around the blonde, for what felt like forever. When Alex finally pulled away from her embrace, she managed to catch her breath just long enough to mumble the words "He's gone," before she continued to cry into Olivia's shoulder. Alex was sopping wet after walking across the city in a rain storm to get to Olivia's apartment. She was cold, shaking, and distraught. Olivia ushered into the bathroom where she fixed her a warm bath. Without any resistance, Alex let the brunette Detective peel her saturated clothing off of her while she just stood there and cried. Olivia turned around to let her friend remove the final articles of clothing herself. Without words or any direction, Alex removed her bra and underwear, stepped into the bubbly water, and sat down. Once she was covered by the bubbles, Olivia turned around to shut the water off, and then kissed the blondes forehead before exiting the bathroom. She returned a few minutes later with a tray of hot tea, honey, and milk. She fixed the tea just how she knew Alex liked it, and handed the cup to the blonde. Olivia left a set of pajamas on the bathroom counter; her NYPD sweatpants, a t-shirt, and her favorite grey hoodie. She left without a word, and waited for Alex to join her in the living room. Half an hour later, Olivia was sitting on the couch reading a book when she heard footsteps. Alex stepped quietly out of the bathroom and made her way to the couch. Olivia put her book down, and Alex sat down right next to her, curling up to the brunette and resting her head on her chest. Olivia comfortingly pushed Alex's hair away from her face and pulled her in close. It was minutes before Alex spoke. "He's gone, Liv," she choked, "Uncle Bill, he's gone." Olivia rubbed Alex's back until her crying had ceased, and not long after, Alex was fast asleep on Olivia's shoulder. The brunette turned off the light and let Alex sleep. She knew Alex needed it. And if she was being honest, she'd imagined this moment a million times before, under different circumstances, of course. She leaned down and kissed the top of Alex's head.
"I love you, Lex," she whispered. Soon, she was asleep herself.
Olivia opened her eyes and looked out the window. Ever since that night, and the night after, her favorite hoodie had been hijacked by the stunning blonde ADA; along with her heart, and her spare house key. It had been over a year since that night, and almost three weeks since Alex had left, but the memories were still so fresh. The clarinet solo flowing from the record player gave Olivia goosebumps. She watched cars pass on the street below, and wondered if Alex had ever driven by her apartment like she'd driven by Alex's so many times. The booming orchestra entered the song in the background, and brought Olivia right back to the night they'd danced to the song in the kitchen.
"Dinner is almost ready!" Alex called from the kitchen. Olivia quickly moved all of the case files off of the table, making room for the roast that Alex had been working on all day. Alex turned the corner, bringing place settings to the table. She placed them neatly on the table, and then turned towards Olivia. She wrapped her arms around the brunette, leaning up to press her lips against Olivia's. A new song began to play from the living room, and she smiled wide when she recognized the melody. "Dance with me?" she asked, "This one is my favorite." Olivia happily pulled the blonde in close to her, placing her hands on the woman's hips, and they swayed back and forth to the song. As the song was about to end, the timer sounded on the oven and Alex kissed Olivia's cheek before scurrying off to the kitchen to check the roast. Olivia sat down at the table, waiting for her girlfriend to serve dinner. Alex returned with two perfectly plated dinners, and set one down in front of Olivia. "Happy Anniversary," she said, kissing Olivia.
That dinner was the last happy memory that she had with Alex. Most days she wished she could erase that year of her life. She wanted to forget the happiness that Alex had brought to her. She wanted to forget the love they once had, or could have had still. Three days after their one year anniversary dinner, Olivia found out that Noah would be coming to live with her. She had discussed it with Alex before, and though Alex had said she liked the idea of Olivia fostering him, she was still hesitant. She didn't want kids, and she wondered where it would leave her own relationship with Olivia if Noah became a permanent part of Olivia's family. Alex was career driven; she was already married to the job, and sometimes she found it hard to balance work with her relationship. Olivia was understanding, but Alex knew that children weren't as forgiving and she worried about being seen as an absent parent. The judge's decision to approve Olivia as a foster parent had come back a lot sooner than Alex had expected. Olivia had no idea at the time that the best day of her life would also become the worst. Now, alone in her apartment, that day was replaying itself in her head for the millionth time.
Olivia left work that Friday night, picked up Noah from the DCF children's center, and brought him home for the first time. On her way home, she'd called Alex to see if she wanted to come over to celebrate, but Alex declined. Later that night, after Olivia had tucked Noah into bed, she laid down in her own bed, too excited to sleep. She looked at the empty space in the bed next to her, and found herself wishing that Alex could be there with her every night. After a lot of thought, she decided that in the morning, she was going to ask Alex to move in with her. Alex was there most of the time anyway, and it was important to her that Noah had all the love in his life that he deserved.
Morning came faster than Olivia was prepared for, but her new morning routine went seemingly well for the first day. She woke early to make coffee, prepared Noah's breakfast, and then woke him up. She dressed him, brushed his hair, and played 'airplane' with his banana pieces while he giggled at her mediocre airplane noises. When they'd finished breakfast, she tucked him into his carseat, and drove him over to Uncle Barba's house.
"Have fun with Uncle Bubba," she said, kissing Noah one more time before leaving. Noah had trouble saying 'Barba' so it usually came out sounding like 'Bubba,' and it just kind of stuck. "And thanks, Rafael, I really appreciate you watching him last minute."
"Good luck, Liv," Rafael said, waving from the top of the front steps as she made her way down the front walkway.
"Thanks, I love you both!" she called. Knowing that Noah was in the best hands, she got into the car and started mentally preparing herself for asking Alex to move in. The drive home seemed to take forever, but that was probably just her nerves. She got home with a few minutes to spare before Alex was due to arrive. She tidied up the apartment, and started another pot of coffee. The familiar sound of keys in the front door made her stomach sink in nervousness. Olivia brought two cups of coffee to the kitchen table, and stepped into the hall as Alex was hanging her jacket up on the coat rack.
"Good Morning, beautiful," Olivia greeted her, leaning in to kiss Alex.
"Morning," Alex stated, turning her head away from Olivia's kiss. Olivia retreated, thrown off by Alex's unusual attitude.
"What's wrong, Lex? Are you okay?" she asked, genuinely concerned. She reached out to hug the blonde, who proceeded to step back, avoiding the contact.
"Olivia, I think we need to talk," Alex said quietly. She couldn't make eye contact with the brunette.
"Okay, do you want to sit down?" Olivia offered. Alex fought back tears as she shook her head, declining the brunette's offer.
"No, I can't really stay," she began. Her voice was shaking, just like it had been the night she found out her Uncle Bill had passed away, and Olivia knew she was trying not to cry.
"Alex, what's going on?" Olivia questioned, this time a little scared of the answer.
"Olivia, I can't do this anymore," Alex managed to say, before she began shaking and tears started rolling down her cheeks. It took Olivia a minute to process what Alex was saying, and when she realized what was actually happening, she got choked up. "I'm sorry, Liv, I really am, but I can't do this. We want different things from this relationship, and I would never ask you to chose between Noah and I. I love you, Olivia, I do, but I'm just not ready for this. It's happening so fast and I'm just not there yet. I want you to be happy, it just can't be with me." Olivia had managed to hold herself together until now, but now she was crying too.
"Don't tell me you love me if you're walking away, Alex," she said, angry. "Don't tell me you want me to be happy, when you are who makes me happy." She looked at Alex, her eyes desperately pleading with Alex to stay. "So that's it then?" she asked, "you're going to throw a everything away, after all this time?"
"Olivia, I'm not throwing it away. This isn't what I wanted for us. The fact that I'm not ready to be a mother hasn't changed, but I know how much Noah means to you, and I want him to be your son. I see how much you love him, Liv. I absolutely adore Noah, and always will, you know that. He needs you. I just…we are at different places in our lives. I love you with all my heart. I've been in love with you since the first day I walked into 1PP and you flashed a smile my way. I will always, always love you, Liv. I'm just not ready to be a mom. Now just isn't our time." Alex tried to collect herself, but seeing Olivia so upset made her heart break even more than it already was.
"You should go," Olivia said, opening the door for Alex.
"Please, Olivia, can we talk about this?" Alex begged. "I don't want to lose you as a friend."
"You need to go, Alex. There's nothing left to talk about," Olivia stated coldly. "You're made your mind up for the both of us."
"Don't shut me out, Olivia, I still want you to be a part of my life. I don't want things between us to be left like this." Alex touched the brunette's hand, but Olivia pulled away like she'd been burned by the blonde's touch.
"The only thing that's being left here is me, Alex. Just go, okay? Just go." Olivia was getting angry, so Alex reluctantly grabbed her coat and stepped into the hall. She turned around to face Olivia.
"I love you, Olivia," Alex said. Olivia paused for a moment, and then slammed the door shut. She leaned back against the door, slid down to the ground, and lost control of her emotions. From the hall, Alex could hear the love of her life sobbing on the other side of the door.
The phone vibrating pulled Olivia from her flashback. She wiped the tears that were running down her cheek before reaching across the coffee table to check the caller ID.
"Hey Rafael," she answered, slightly disappointed that it wasn't Alex's name on the screen.
"Hey Olivia, I just wanted to call and say goodnight to Noah before he went to sleep," he said.
"Oh, he's been down for an hour or so now. You really tired him out today! He talked about the park the whole ride home," she told him.
"Good, I'm glad he had fun! Did he tell you that he convinced Amanda to go down the slide with him? It was adorable. You should've seen it!"
"He didn't tell me, I wish I had been there!" she laughed, picturing Rollins climbing around on the playground. "Barba, thanks again for everything. You're the best friend I could ever ask for."
"Anytime, Liv. We all have your back," he assured her. "I hate to ask, but any word from Alex?"
"Nope, but maybe it's better that way. A clean cut is probably better. Noah asked for her again tonight, he keeps asking when she's going to come over, and I don't know what to tell him. He's too young to understand, you know? She always came with me to visitations, he really connected with her. Now she isn't around. It isn't fair to him."
"He'll stop asking eventually, Liv. It'll get easier. He has so many people in his life who love him, and you, and who will always be there. I promise," he said, hoping to provide her with some comfort. A sudden knock at the door made her jump a little.
"Raf, I have to go, someone's at the door. It's probably Nick checking up on me again. I'll see you in the morning," she said.
"Okay, goodnight Olivia."
"Goodnight," she said, before ending the call. She put her phone down and walked down the hall. There was a knock again, and she rushed over to open the door.
"Nick, you're so impatient!" she said as she swung the door open. She froze, and a whole bunch of emotions came over her as she saw Alex standing there.
"Alex," she started, "what are you doing here?" Olivia was happy to see Alex, but she was also angry, sad, and confused. She stood in the doorway, waiting for Alex to say something.
"Olivia," Alex spoke, "I…I…" Alex started to cry. Olivia shifted her weight onto her other leg, leaned against the door frame, and crossed her arms.
"You what, Alex? Why are you here? Three weeks have passed, no phone call, no text, you have refused to step foot into the squad room, you request Amaro and Rollins when you're assigned to a SVU case, and you couldn't bother to call on my birthday. So why are you here, why now?" she waited for a minute or two, and when Alex still hadn't answered her, she started to close the door.
"Liv, wait," Alex said. Olivia pushed the door back open and raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry. I thought that I couldn't do this, but the truth is I don't want to be without you. I miss you. I've been avoiding you because I couldn't face you. I love you, Olivia, and scared as I am of being a Mom, I'm even more terrified of a life without you."
"Alex, nothing has changed, I'm still adopting Noah," she informed her.
"I know that. I want a second chance, Liv, that's what I'm saying. I may not be the perfect parent, but I want to try my hardest to make sure that Noah is as happy as I am when I'm with you. I want to build a family with you. I want a mailbox with 'Benson-Cabot' written on it. I want to spend my life with you, Olivia. You and Noah." Alex waited anxiously for Olivia to respond. Down the hall, a muffled cry interrupted them.
"Noah's awake, hang on," Olivia said, holding the door open for Alex. "I'll be right back." Olivia returned a moment later, holding Noah.
"Awweeex!" he shrieked when he saw the blonde standing in the hallway. Olivia put him down and he sprinted into Alex's arms. Olivia watched as Alex picked him up and gave him a big hug. Noah really loved Alex, and Olivia didn't want to take her away from him. Alex looked up and saw Olivia standing there, tears in the corner of her eyes.
"Noah, it's late, what do you say I tuck you back into bed and sing you the bedtime song?" Alex asked, resting Noah on her hip.
"Okay," he agreed, rubbing his sleepy eyes. Alex looked at Olivia for permission, and Olivia nodded. Alex brought Noah back to his bed, gently laid him down and tucked his blankets in around him. She sweetly sang him the bedtime song, the song her father had sang to her when she was a kid. Before she finished the song, Noah was sound asleep. She tiptoed out of his bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. She found Olivia standing in the kitchen, nursing a glass of scotch.
"He missed you, you know. He's asked for you almost every night. I didn't know what to tell him," she said.
"Olivia, I'm so sorry. There aren't words for how sorry I am."
"You can't just come and go as you please, Alex. I won't put him through that again. I can't put myself through that again either. If you want to try to work things out, you need to be serious about it," Olivia told her.
"I am serious. I love you, Olivia, and I don't care what I have to do to prove that I mean it, I'll do whatever it takes. I want to be with you." Olivia paused for a long moment, before giving Alex an answer. Alex's palms were sweating, anxiously waiting for Olivia to say something.
"Well," Olivia said, looking at Alex, "you can start by coming over here and kissing me." Alex let out a sigh of relief, as she crossed the kitchen and felt Olivia's arms close in around her. She pressed her lips to Olivia's.
"I missed you," Olivia confessed, breaking the kiss.
"You have no idea," Alex agreed. "Olivia, I promise you that I am never going anywhere again. I will always be right here, right by your side. I love you."
"I love you too, Lex," Olivia whispered, pulling her soulmate in closer to her. "Let's go to sleep?" Alex took Olivia by the hand and led her down the hall to the bedroom. Both women undressed and crawled into bed. Alex nestled up close to Olivia and placed her arm around her. Olivia backed up close to Alex and laced her fingers through Alex's.
"Goodnight, my love," Alex whispered.
"Goodnight," Olivia mumbled quietly, before falling asleep.
The buzzing of Olivia's alarm startled her awake. She sat up in bed, throwing a hand over the alarm and feeling for the button to make it stop. She rubbed her eyes, and rolled over to see the other side of the bed empty. Assuming that Alex had gotten up already, she slid out of bed and smiled as she recalled the night before. A voice outside the door made her jump.
"Mommy!" Noah shouted. Olivia opened her bedroom door to see Noah standing there, pajamas around his ankles. "I used the potty, Mommy!"
"You did?!" she said, bringing him down the hall to his room. She saw his training potty in the center of the room, and was pleased when she saw that he had in fact used it.
"All by myself, I did it!" he said, excited about his victory.
"All by yourself?" she asked, "Didn't Alex help you?" Noah's face turned from happy to sad at the mention of Alex's name. He shook his head and pouted.
"No, Mommy, Awex is on vacation, remember?" he said, matter of factly. Olivia picked him up and hugged him. She pulled his training diaper back up, and fixed his pajamas.
"Sweetie, go ahead and pick out what you want for breakfast, okay? Mommy will be right there, I just need to clean up the potty, okay?" Noah smiled and ran away down the hall to scope out what cereal he wanted. Olivia carried the potty into the bathroom, and set it down on the floor. She collapsed onto the edge of the tub, and without warning, lost it. She thought the dreams of Alex coming back to her had finally passed, but she was wrong.