The Dursleys Get What's Coming to Them
Chapter 1
In Which There are Doors
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of Number Four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They had a grown-up son, and in their opinion there was no finer man anywhere.
But the Dursleys had a secret, and their greatest fear was that someone would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if people found out about the boy.
The boy was about as un-Dursleyish as it was possible to be. Though they had tried their best to turn him into a normal boy, Harry Potter just could not be considered normal in any sense of the word.
And so Mr. and Mrs. Dursley and their grown-up son went on with their normal lives and did their best to forget about the boy.
As the three were sitting normally at their normal table, eating a normal breakfast, and Mr. Dursley was reading a normal paper… Well, you get the idea. It was a normal morning in the Dursley household.
But then there was a knock at the door.
Wait a minute, I didn't phrase that properly.
It was The Knock, The Knock that will change the world as we know it, save the hero from being shot by a murderous villain, et cetera, et cetera…
It was The Knock That Changed the Dursleys' Painfully Normal Lives.
Now that we've cleared that up, we shall go back to the Oh-So-Normal-Dursleys.
Mr. Dursley tried to get up, but was so morbidly obese that he got stuck in his chair.
So Mrs. Dursley had to get out of her chair and answered the door (Dudley tried to get up and help his father, but found that he was stuck as well).
A dark-skinned man wearing very un-Dursleyish robes was there, with a team of well-trained, trigger-happy aurors.
"I told you when the boy left, we'll have nothing more to do with your lot," Mrs. Dursley screeched shrilly said calmly.
She made to close the door, but Kingsley (for of course it was he) beat her to it.
"Step aside, madam, or I shall be forced to make you," he said, sounding a lot calmer than he felt.
Mrs. Dursley closed the door (like a boss) anyway.
Kingsley sighed.
"Can we blow it up, boss?" asked a particularly sadistic auror, who shall forever remain nameless because the author is lazy.
"Fine."
And so they did.
"Let us have a moment of silence in the memory of this door," a batty, forever unnamed auror said gravely.
Jeez, this guy needs to retire, thought Kingsley.
Once they had finished mourning the door, they barged in and carted off the Mr. Dursley, Mrs. Dursley, and fatso Dudley.
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