Emil opened his eyes. He seemed to be inside some sort of containment chamber. Was this really what they were trying with him now? Keeping him in some room wasn't exactly going to cure his mental or physical condition.
Surrounding him were metal walls with a singular speaker protruding from the ceiling. Electric-blue static flew through the air in random increments, and there was no door from what he could see.
Suddenly, the speaker made a crackling noise, drawing Emil's attention. Then, a robotic male voice started speaking.
"Hello, patient 24602."
Emil's eyes widened in surprise. He decided to reply. "I'm sorry, hello. How are—"
The voice interjected.
"How are you, like, feeling?"
Emil was a little annoyed at being interrupted, but responded nonetheless. "Um, not great."
"Has the treatment been working?"
"Uh, I don't think so, no."
"What are your remaining symptoms?"
"I just, I—I internalize my feelings a lot, I have trouble articulating how I'm feeling to other people, I feel like I just, I'm—"
"So basically, you're still a little bitch."
Emil could hear the snicker in the robotic voice. He sighed, replying. "Yes, very mature of you, disembodied voice way up there."
"I was just joking, nigga."
"Alright, you're not as safe in Reykjavik as you might think with that shit—"
"I'm not human, I can say whatever I want."
"Alright, just, just get to the point, what's wrong with me? Please? Please."
"Your, like, emotion and logic are at war. Your creativity and analysis are at war, and most simply, your left and right brain are at war."
"My left and my ri—"
"To fix the problem, we must separate them from each other. This may hurt a bit."
"Sep—"
"Splitting your neurological functions in 5...4..."
"Well, can we book an appointment or something?"
"3...2..."
"You don't just start counting down to major medical procedures!"
"1..."
"I don't know what it is. Just tell me what you're—"
"Isolation complete."
Emil felt a white-hot pain in his head, but before he could protest once again, he blacked out.
*•*•*
When Emil regained his consciousness, he was in a considerably darker space. He got the feeling that he was dreaming, though a quick pinch to his arm told him that he was very much awake. With that thought in mind, he looked around and noticed two glowing figures arguing in the distance.
One was red, with spiked hair that looked like it had an immense amount of product in it, while the other was blue and had a cross clip parting his bangs. The blue one was wearing something akin to a business suit, while the red one wore a t-shirt and khaki shorts. Both, however, looked to be male.
Emil ran over to them and called out, "Hey! Do you know where we are?"
But they didn't seem to notice him, and continued to argue. As he caught bits and pieces of their conversation, Emil became more confused. They seemed to be arguing about...him?
After a few moments, they suddenly ceased their arguing. Emil wondered why they would suddenly stop. Then, he heard the familiar robotic voice.
"This is your Left Brain: objective, logical, cold, analytical. Aware of patterns, aware of trends. He's efficient."
The blue figure nodded, smirking, as if he knew he had been addressed.
"And a prick."
At this, the blue figure frowned, and flipped the robotic voice the bird.
Emil found himself thinking that he should be doing the same.
"This is your Right Brain: subjective, creative, sensory. Aware of feelings, aware of people. He's emotional."
The red figure grinned.
"And an idiot."
The blue figure—Left Brain, Emil reminded himself—looked over at Right Brain, smug. Right Brain crossed his arms.
"That's your opinion, just...careful with opinions!"
The voice disregarded his response, instead beeping a couple of times. Then, with finality, it stated:
"Okay boys, play nice."
Left Brain sighed irritatedly, as if this was something he was used to hearing. He turned to face Emil, as if he'd just noticed him. Right Brain did the same.
Left Brain cleared his throat and began to introduce himself. "I am the Left Brain, and I'll work hard until my inevitable death. If you've got a job to do, you'd better do it right, in the right way—with the Left Brain's might."
As if inspired by Left Brain, Right Brain began his own introduction. "I like Oreos and...pussy, yes! In that order! And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3! Woody—" At this, Right Brain pulled out a tissue and wiped his eyes. "I am the Right Brain, I have feelings, I'm a little all over the place, but I'm lustful and trustful and I'm looking for somebody to love!...Or put my penis in—"
Left Brain coughed, gesturing to their surroundings, which were rapidly changing to that of a park Emil frequented. Emil sat down on a bench, when a girl with curly, dark hair in pigtails sat down beside him. Emil recognized her, her name was Michelle and she was the last person he dated before he'd been hospitalized. He looked around to see if Left Brain and Right Brain were still there. They weren't.
A buzzing sound came from Emil's pocket. He reached for it, and felt his phone. When he opened it, Left Brain and Right Brain were on the screen.
Left Brain started to speak. "Here comes a female, puff your chest out, take your phone out and check your email...our evolutionary purpose is repopulate, so gather data now and see if she's a possible mate."
"Holy fuck, I think she might be the one! There's something about her, I just can't describe it—" Right Brain clasped his hands together dramatically.
"Tits." Left Brain interjected, rolling his eyes.
Ignoring him, Right Brain continued, "I am the earth, she's the glorious sun...I want her to trust me and I just want her to—how do I say this? Sit on my face? Sit—SIT ON MY FACE!"
"Alright now, Right Brain, you're being insane."
"No, Left Brain, I'm just being alive! You should try it, you might like it~"
The scene around them began to change again, reverting to the original pitch black darkness.
"I worked hard to give him everything he cared about! You were too worried about the things he was scared about. I'm calm and collected when you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child." Left Brain hissed.
"You think you're the right one every time! You think you know everything but you don't know anything at all! Half of his problems were supposed to be mine...but you wanted everything." Right Brain blinked, as if he were about to cry. "I hope that you're happy, 'cause he's sure not!"
Emil looked at him in shock. Was this the reason the two halves of his brain were fighting? Because of his depression?
Left Brain pulled out a calculator and a Rubik's cube. "Well according to my calculations, I'm sorry, let me run the numbers again, um, you're a pussy."
"Name calling, really? You're gonna just do name calling?" Right Brain pouted.
"I'm not calling names alright, I'm just stating facts, and the fact is, you're a quivering pussy."
"I'm the pussy?" Right Brain pointed to the Rubik's cube with indignation. "Well at least I don't play with toys still, okay?"
"Rubik's cubes are not toys alright, they keep my spatial reasoning skills...sharp..." Left Brain defended.
"Left Brain plays with toys! Look at you! Mister, you're a...toy player..." Right Brain shot back, sticking his tongue out.
"Well, at least I did my fucking job, alright? I kept him working. I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him! You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable for all this..." Left Brain ranted angrily. "Now you're trying to blame me for how he's feeling. How he's feeling! If he's feeling unhappy it's because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you, I know he does, he fucking hates you!"
Emil looked at Left Brain with shock. That wasn't right, he didn't...
He looked over at Right Brain, who was curled up, sobbing.
"Right Brain, look, I'm sorry, okay?" Left Brain sighed, looking defeated.
Right Brain looked up, eyes puffy. "No you're not..."
Exhaling, Left Brain held up his hands in surrender. "Look, maybe there's something that we could do together."
"Together?"
"We can take the best parts of both of us, and put them—together."
"I'm listening..."
"It would let you let your feelings out. It would let me analyze. So you could man the themes, and I'll man the form." Left Brain tapped his chin in thought. "It's something that George Carlin did. It's something that Steve Martin did. It's something special that we could both...perform. Do you know what it is?"
Right Brain hesitated, then smiled. "Juggling! We could juggle and juggle our cares away!"
Left Brain facepalmed. "It was—it was comedy, we could do comedy together, and—"
He was interrupted by the robotic voice.
"Initiating reassembly."
"Alright, Left—" Right Brain responded, still looking slightly confused.
"Right brain, look, we're gonna do comedy together alright? We gotta do comedy—" Left Brain had a look of panic on his face.
"Alright, alright, Left Brain, I'll do comedy with you!"
"Look, we can fix him like this, we can make him happy again, I promise, alright?"
Their surroundings began to deteriorate as the familiar electric-blue static filled the air. Emil felt like he was free falling.
"Reformation in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."
"Left Brain... Left Brain, I love you!" Right Brain called out, reaching out to pull Left Brain in a hug.
"I know." Left Brain accepted the embrace, smiling sadly.
As they were enveloped in a blinding white, Emil heard the robotic voice again, as his head began to feel heavier.
"Experimentation complete."
*•*•*
Emil felt himself waking up in a white hospital bed. What he'd just experienced had felt all too real. It was as if he'd gone inside his own head. However, he knew he should put more effort into his health, and the advice from his...was it his brain? His conscience? It inspired him to become a better person, as cheesy as it sounded.
And as he looked out the window to the clear, blue sky, that goal seemed closer to his reach.
*•*•*
Alright, so a few answers:
Yes, the robotic voice is Hong Kong.
Yes, the girl is Seychelles.
Hope you enjoyed this parody, leave a review if you'd like!