"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. " –Tori Amos
He kissed her goodbye, but felt nothing. No spark, no emotion. As she turned to walk away he caught one last look of her emerald eyes. Just a few months ago he could find the world in the depths of her eyes, but now they were dead, emotionlessly staring forward as she made her way through the crowded hallways.
He hated to leave her on her own, but she had Herbology, whereas he had a free period. Some days he would take a walk outside and watch her through the transparent walls of the greenhouse, but what he saw never changed. She would be sitting as far away from the professor as possible, staring down at her blank parchment, unmoving.
He worried about her constantly. Watched as she withered away, unable to help her or convince her to come down to dinner for "just a little while." He would stay with her, leaving her side only to grab some food from the house elves in the kitchen, just to watch her pick at it for ten minutes, taking only a few bites. Grief had come in and taken her away, leaving just a shell of the person she used to be.
She would've been fine if it had been just once, she would've recovered in a few weeks and built up the will to live again, but it hadn't been. The hits kept coming, and just when she would build herself back up again, Death would strike again, ripping her family and her best friend from her grasp.
Death had taken its first victim over the winter holidays. Lord Voldemort had sent his followers to her house and she watched, bound and silenced in the corner, as her family was tortured repeatedly. While her father and her sister recovered quickly in the next few days, her mother's body simply could not take the abuse. For a while it seemed as though she would survive. She had been recovering and getting better during her stay at St. Mungo's, but Death would not lose its victim and one night about a week later Charlotte Evans succumbed to her many injuries and was dead by sunrise. Lily was devastated, but she could've pushed through it. She could've moved on and been relatively the same.
However, less than a month later, just as Lily started to recover and attend class regularly again, her father suffered a heart attack and Death snatched its second victim from Lily's hands. In the weeks that followed his funeral, she was hardly ever seen without James and Jenna Scott, her best friend since first year, flanking her sides and helping her through the days where she refused to leave her bed and turned down James' many offers of a meal from the kitchens.
But eventually those days became less frequent, until she got to the point where she was able to make it through a whole week without having to leave class to stop her tears and would attend every meal, if only to stop James' constant insistence that she needed to eat. She got better, she started smiling again, the light returned to her eyes. She was healing. And then Hogsmeade weekend came around…
By this time Lily and James had been dating for months and it had become established tradition that she spend the first half of the visit with James, and then meet up with their friends to hang out for the rest of the day. About an hour into the trip, Lily and James were walking the streets of Hogsmeade, holding hands and snuggling close as a defense against the cold, when Death Eaters began apparating into the crowded village. James quickly pulled Lily into the nearest alley way as people began to scream, trying to keep her safe from the Death Eaters. Before he even had the chance to decide what to do next, Lily wrenched herself from James' protective grip and started sprinting back the way they had come down the street, dodging spells and unmoving bodies. She was heading towards the largest group of people, where sparks from the many spells being thrown could be seen above the crowd.
"Lily, what are you doing?" James yelled, running after her after a moment of confusion.
"I heard Jenna screaming! I have to help her!" She explained, choking back a sob as James caught up with her.
"You're going to get yourself hurt. Lily, please slow down," James pleaded with her, trying desperately to keep her safe.
She ignored his pleas, pulling ahead and disappearing in the large crowd of people and Death Eaters.
James searched frantically for her as Aurors began to appear. It was only after all the Death Eaters had been caught or apparated away and the Aurors had cleared the area that James caught sight of her distinctive red hair. He immediately started pushing through what was left of the crowd, making his way toward her.
At first, he froze, seeing her motionless form on the ground. As he stepped closer, however, he noticed that her shoulders were shaking and she was leaning across the body of a brunette whose glazed eyes stared unseeingly. His stomach lurched as he recognized the form as Jenna Smith and he fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around Lily's shaking shoulders and running his hands down her back, trying to comfort her but unable to find the words to do so.
It had taken an hour and countless whispered encouragements from James for Lily to release her hold on Jenna's body. By the time they finally got back to the castle, Lily had gone completely silent. The tears had stopped after just a few minutes and she had not said a word or shown any emotion since that moment.
Today marked one month since Jenna's funeral and James feared that Lily would never recover fully. He hadn't heard her delicate laugh since they said goodbye before the holidays back in December and it seemed as though the light had permanently left her eyes. She'd taken to sleeping in his bed, and he stayed up, stroking her hair until she fell asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. Some days he would wake up and she wouldn't move. She would be completely unresponsive and it was nearly impossible to even get her to look at him. On those days he skipped his classes to stay with her and held her in his arms, wishing he could do more to help her. He wished that he could just hold her until everything was okay, until she was herself again, but deep inside he feared that day would never come.
But he loved her. Merlin, he loved her more than he thought should be possible and he would never leave her side, no matter what happened. He would never abandon her because she was having a hard time coping. The only way he would ever leave her is if she asked him to, because he couldn't deny her what she wanted and if she wanted him to leave her alone he would be gone in a heartbeat. It would break him, surely, but he couldn't possibly say no. Not now, not when she was like this.
He hadn't always been such a pushover when it came to Lily. Sure, the guys joked that he was whipped, and he supposed he was, but he and Lily still would argue and they would clash because they were both so stubborn that neither would admit that they were wrong. He would tell her when she was wrong and she would be quick to tell him when he was being a jackass, but it didn't matter because they were so meant for each other that forgiveness came easy.
But now it was like Lily was made of glass. He tried his best to do whatever she wished and would agree with her even if she was completely wrong because she was delicate and he didn't want to break her again like she had been so many times before.
He wandered the halls like he had done so many times before during his free period, reminiscing and trying to figure out what he could be doing to help Lily more than he already was. Eventually he made his way to the Gryffindor common room and joined Sirius, Remus, and Peter in the corner they usually occupy. The boys greeted him carefully, aware of the fact that Lily had been having a few rough days recently and knowing not to bother James too much when the pained expression he currently possessed graced his features. That particular expression had been appearing far more often in the past few weeks and, while the boys tried their best to sympathize, none of them had been in such a situation before and could not understand fully the stress he was under.
James spent the majority of his free period chatting about nothing in particular with the boys until Sirius cleared his throat nervously and caught the gaze of his best mate.
"Look, mate, I know it's been hard. Believe me, I know, but… I think you need to have a talk with Lily," His voice was tentative, but the gaze he held on James was strong. "She hasn't been getting any better. If anything, she's been getting worse. And so have you. You've looked exhausted and completely pushed to your limit lately and I understand why, but you guys can't continue on like this. It's not healthy." Starting to ramble, be made to continue but James interrupted before he had the chance.
"I know, Sirius. I do, really, it's just…" he rubbed his face with his hands before looking back at Sirius. "I know. You're right. I'm sorry. I just… I don't know what else I can do." Sirius looked as though he was about to begin again after hearing the vulnerability in his friend's voice, but James continued, glancing quickly at his watch, "I'm promise I'll think on it. I swear. I really have to go now, but I promise I'll talk to her soon, okay?" Without waiting for his answer, James gave a half-hearted smile before rushing out of the common room and heading for the greenhouses to meet Lily after Herbology.
He arrived just as the students began pouring out of the greenhouse. As he stood waiting for Lily to emerge, Ray Stebbins, an overly enthusiastic Ravenclaw in his year, approached him.
"Alright Potter? I suppose you're looking for Evans, yeah?" At James' silent confirmation, he continued, nodding eagerly, "She asked to go to the Hospital Wing about twenty minutes ago. Said she wasn't feeling well. Didn't look it either… She hasn't been alright lately, has she?"
Avoiding his question, James sighed and quickly thanked Stebbins before hurrying back into the castle. Lily, of course, wouldn't be in the Hospital Wing. It was a common excuse of hers lately when she felt she couldn't handle classes anymore. She usually ended up in his dorm on days like this, slipping through the common room unseen. She had a way of making herself nearly invisible to the students in the common room and was almost always able to make it upstairs without drawing attention to herself.
He, however, did not possess the same ability. He pushed his way through the currently crowded common room, dodging high fives and nodding to the various people who greeted him. He eventually made it to the staircase and quickly made his way up to his dorm. Unsurprisingly, he found Lily curled up underneath his covers, face buried in his pillow and breathing deeply. Sighing once again, he joined her on his bed, wrapping himself around her sleeping form and gently rubbing her back, pressing his lips to the crown of her head.
She stirred slightly, but did not wake. James found himself drifting off to a light sleep, waking up about an hour later when Lily began to stir again. This time, after a few minutes, her eyes opened. He looked down to see dull emerald peering up at him through thick lashes. Involuntarily, he thought about how much he missed the way her eyes used to shine brightly when she looked at him. Now the eyes held little emotion, merely staring at him in slight bemusement.
"How is it that you're always here when I wake up?" Her voice was soft and slightly hoarse from lack of use.
He gave her a sad smile, "I've had a bit of practice."
"You're too good for me," she said, a faint twinge of sadness audible in her delicate voice.
"You're worth it," he answered simply, holding her gaze, though the same emotion could be heard in his voice also.
He broke the moment just a few second later by sighing for what seemed like the millionth time that day. "Lil, what happened today? You were fine earlier."
She closed her eyes tightly, "I don't want to talk about it."
"Lily…"
"Please don't. Please. Can't we just… lay here? Why do we always have to talk about it?"
"That's the point, Lily, we never talk about it! We never talk at all!" The emotion in his voice was becoming less controlled, but he tried his best to keep from raising his voice at her. She didn't need that right now.
Her eyes closed even tighter, as if doing so would silence his voice. "I really don't want to talk about this right now.
"But don't you see? We need to talk, Lily. You can't go on like this, pretending that everything will go away just because you want it to. Life doesn't work like that."
She pushed herself up from her position on his chest and sat up on the bed, eyes flashing in anger, "You don't get to tell me how life works! I know perfectly well how life works. You struggle and you try to push through, but then you fail and you die and it's all over. What's the use in trying if I'm only going to fail someday anyway?"
James sat up also and cupped her face in his hands, "That's not true, Lily, and you know it. You need to try; you need to live while you have the chance! Instead, you're living like you're nothing. You're an empty shell refusing to let yourself feel because you're too focused on the end of it all. Life isn't about dreading the future; it's about living in the moment and enjoying it while it lasts. This… anger you're feeling right now, it's the most emotion I've seen from you in weeks. It's okay to be vulnerable, Lily. You're allowed to mourn and you're allowed to cry, because what you're going through right now is not easy. But that doesn't mean that you should just cut yourself off from life. You need to live; you need to feel, Lily."
Tears began to fall from Lily's eyes as she hopelessly dragged her fingers through her tangled curls. "I don't think I know how to feel anymore."
James kissed away each of her tears before finally meeting his lips to hers. It wasn't long or particularly passionate, but chaste and sweet and for the first time in what seemed like forever he felt the spark he used to know so well.
"Do you feel that, Lily?" He asked, staring into the eyes that held more emotion in that moment than they had in months. "Please tell me you can still feel it."
She nodded, but closed her eyes tightly again. "I… I'm broken, James. I don't know if even you could ever put me back together again."
"But I can try, Lily. And you can try with me and maybe, just maybe, someday thing's will be better and you'll remember what it's like to feel. I might not be able to, but I'm going to try. We'll try together. Maybe things will never be perfect again. But someday, I promise, things are going to be at least a little bit better. I promise, Lily. Please trust me."
She nodded again and allowed him to hold her in his arms, snuggling closer to his chest, breathing in the scent she had almost let herself forget. "I love you, James."
"I love you, too, Lily."
Things were far from perfect, but they could be, they would be. Time would heal even the deepest of wounds.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love time is eternity." –Henry Van Dyke