Dear Cupid
Summary: Dear Cupid, we need to have a nice little chat about your aim. For starters, it SUCKS. The anecdotes of denial-induced, romantically challenged individuals. Various pairings
Cupid's current target: Elizaveta Hedervary
Disclaimer: If I owned Hetalia, expect FrUk to be more canon than Germany/Italy. I only own my OCS (Berlin (Anne), Philippines (Mae), Mexico (Alejandro), and Israel (Isaiah)). J
Chapter 1: No man's worth the aggravation but it doesn't mean they don't cause it.
Elizaveta Hedervary pondered if she was finally insane and finally decided, after an hour long inward argument with herself, that yes, she was.
Why is this you ask? Well, what would your initial reaction be if you had come to terms with yourself that you are in love with a red-eyed albino who had an ego that could match the size of the world and belonged to some pretend race called 'Prussian'? Adding to that, he also, by the way, laughed at your miseries; was your childhood frienemy since forever; AND had the most irritating voice you have ever heard? How would you act in response? Exactly.
(If your reaction was happiness, she has a family therapist; she'll give you his number and offer the advice to put him on speed dial 1.)
"Idiot," she murmurs quietly. It wasn't directed to anyone but herself. She vowed that she will never, EVER fall in love with anyone but Roderich. However after their mutual break up the next thing she was aware of was that she had been struck by Cupid's MISAIMED (emphasis was completely necessary, thank you) arrow. There was no way in heaven, hell, and the purgatory did she love the moron that goes by the name Gilbert Beilschmidt. Nope, nada, nein, nej, nem.
"Eliza? Are you alright?" Mei-Mei asked, worry shown in her eyes.
Elizaveta felt a tad guilty for making her friend worry. "I'm fine." The Taiwanese girl's frown curved up into a smile.
As they head their way towards Science class, she figured that nope! She was definitely not in love with him.
Okay, possibly she might feel something that wasn't just dismissible as hate for Gilbert. Although as if she would admit it to anybody- especially Gilbert himself.
"Eliz!" She turned her head sideways. Great. It was the person that stole her peace of mind. "What's the answer to question 26? " The Hungarian glared at him.
"As if I'll tell you!" She growled. If the teacher catches her cheating, she'll blame him for it (maybe she'll throw in a few extra blames too).
"Why wouldn't you want to tell the awesome me?" He half-demanded, half-whispered.
"First of: You're not awesome, and second: that'll be cheating!" The two simultaneously ducked their heads down as the teacher strolled past. That was close. "See? You nearly got us in trouble!"
"If we did, the great me will save you from trouble!" He grinned at her toothily, a hint of evil underlying there. She felt heat flood her cheeks and her effort to ignore it was painfully futile. She only grew redder. No Eliza! She thought to herself. You hate him! Not like! Her head furiously shook, a method she found useless to use for ridding any form of blushing.
"I'll sweep you off your feet and you'd be all 'Oh Gilbert! My Hero!'" He cackled softly at the thought, interrupting her from her…removal of evidence.
"As if you're able to do that! I can take care of myself well enough, thank you," she retorted. "Besides, when has your name ever turned into 'Alfred', huh?"
He snorted. "Please. I don't need to turn American to do anything. I'm Prussian."
Her green eyes rolled whilst she shades in the circle under the column of letter 'C'.
"Time's up!" The teacher announced, her voice echoing throughout the walls of the lab. "Place your papers on my desk."
Elizaveta's eyes widened, her jaw dropping a little. She wasn't able to finish the whole test! Her thoughts had distracted her and she's only managed to finish half of the test! What had been the icing on her brioche was that this was one of the most important tests they had considering this is an assessment. An assessment! And only half was answered!
"By the way, Liz, I already finished the test. I just felt like double-checking, you know- just to distract you."
Honestly, her hand just slipped and had planted itself firmly unto the back of his head. It was an accident. It was completely accidental.
"Accidentally on purpose," Anne remarked amusedly, a smirk twitching on her mouth corners. "If you keep that up, I think Ludwig will turn into a regular at the drug store with suspicions about his dosage or some sort."
Elizaveta regarded her with a quick glare and settled into a much comfortable position of laying her folded knees upon the grass. It tickled the bare portion of her skin. "He was…irritating me."
"And that's number 3 you said that today!" Anne exclaimed in response, holding her hand high. "I mean, I do live with him and stuff, but he's not that annoying. Besides, your eyes didn't really show irritation even though you claim to hate him…" Her face dawned with apprehension of Elizaveta's actions. "Mein Gott!"
Elizaveta's body froze. She knew that 'Mein Gott.' Crap. "I-it's not like that in a sense! It's hate! HATE."
Anne smirked mischievously. "Yeah. Sure. That's about as true as the theory of Roderich being simply metro."
"Roderich is metro," Elizaveta insisted. "And it is true."
"Looks like somebody has been stuck in de-ni-al! We need to take you out of there and return you back here." Anne giggled pathetically at her own pun.
"I am not in denial!" She stopped and then added "I'm not in love with him!"
"Why not?"
"He's mind-bogglingly obnoxious! He's foul-mouthed! He has creepy red eyes! His fashion is horrid!" Elizaveta threw her hands up in the air.
"That's petty. Real petty." Anne sipped her drink. "At least I'm not in denial of my feelings."
"At least I'm not the one pining after a gay man," countered Elizaveta, crossing her arms and glaring at her hard. The scowl on her face marred her pretty features.
"Oil! I'm not pining after him! I'm simply…courting him," Anne corrected. "And he's not gay."
"That's as true as my non-platonically, non-loathing feelings for Gilbert," she deadpanned.
"So he's straight then."
"No!" she shouted, frustrated. "I have no feelings whatsoever for Gilbert, and that's final!" She finished with a huff emitted from her lips.
Silence passed for a few seconds until Anne decided to break it, like the cockblocker trait passed down in the Beilschmidt bloodline. "I heard Roderich tried to make a move on Vash."
She drilled holes on Anne's face. Under normal circumstances, the person the glare was directed to would've dropped dead. It wasn't like that with Anne- she grinned. Elizaveta thought that that grin was scarily uncanny to Gilbert's. Must be a family trait. "I blame my relation to Gilbert."
Elizaveta decided that her personal mantra's now 'blame Gilbert.'
(She still isn't in love with him. And she also decided to ignore Anne's addition of 'yet.')
Quite frankly, it wasn't her fault she happened to be neighbors with him. It also wasn't her to blame that Anne had cheerleading; Antonio, Ludwig, Feliciano, and Romano had football; and Francis was more than glad to help the Cooking Club from having Arthur avoid burning down their kitchen. It was all under the arm of coincidence and cockblocking (the latter applied to Anne and Gilbert's little three-man ensemble).
It also wasn't her fault that Gilbert decided to ditch detention and head straight home to watch re-runs of 'Scrubs.'
("Shut up, it's a show more awesome than you'll ever dream of," he says, his face coloring.)
Thus now, she's forced to listen to Gilbert's mind-numbing ramblings on how Scrubs is awesome, How I Met Your Mother is awesome, CSI is awesome, Gossip Girl is awesome (he quickly followed a 'shut up' with that), and how Numb3rs was just boring.
She begged to differ. Numb3rs was just as good as a program as the rest of them. That program though was only secluded to be found interesting by intellectual people. Also, she ought to develop that selective hearing considering it was proving to be mandatory in situations of these kinds.
"Are you saying I'm stupid?" Gilbert clarified, his shit-eating grin faltering. He halted in his tracks.
"I mean whatever I mean," she replied, rolling her eyes and walking around him.
"Entschuldigung mich!" he exclaimed. "I'm awesome! Smarts aren't necessary."
"You're only saying that because you don't have any smarts," she snapped, continuing to walk.
His left eye twitched. "Hedervary! Get back here! I'm not letting you leave until you admit I'm awesome. Bist du doof? Ich sagt, 'Halt!'"
"Like you could do so." She remained her steady walking pace with her nose up in the air. Roderich would be so proud on how uptight and first-class-and-aware-of-it she was!
"Puh-lease. Even my kissing skills are awesome. I'll even rhyme: My kissing skills are so awesome you could get an orga-"
Elizaveta leaped (like a Gold-medalist Olympian) to cover his mouth, casting the passing mother and child an apologetic look. The woman shot her an 'I Am Not Impressed With Your Friend's Language' glance sharply and she couldn't help but granting the woman a 'Me Neither' look too although she decided against it.
"Lffvhavfftaf," Gilbert said, his speech muffled by her hand. "Lvhfff!"
Elizaveta removed her hand away and slapped the back of his head. "How could you even think of doing that!" she screeched, mortified at what could've happened to the little girl's innocence.
Gilbert rolled his eyes pronouncedly. "The earlier they know, the better. I even taught both Annie and Lud that when they were 8."
She buried her face in her hands. "Pray tell how were they afterwards."
"Annie was like 'Ewwww' and Lud was all 'Brother…I can't sleep anymore' and I said 'If you know this, you gonna get some,'" he said, grinning proudly.
THWACK!
"How could you!" she exclaimed, her exclamation bordering on being a yammer.
He groaned, clutching his pained head. "Because I'm amazing!" he answered. Gilbert was obviously not realizing the rhetorical question.
Elizaveta sighed frustrated. "Is your apparent awesomeness the explanation to everything? Does it explain Global Warming?"
Gilbert paused. "Not everything. Just a lot of things."
She gave a half-hearted satisfied smile. She was pleased until he decided to add "And the only reason Global Warming is happening is because the world can't take my hotness."
Why did she like him again?
(Because he completes you, teased a voice reminiscent to Anne's jeer voice.)
He walks her home even though they both are aware how she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself but he said it would be uncool of him if he lets a girl walk by herself, especially somebody like her who would be in dire need of entertainment and awesomeness.
Another rotation of irises occur and Elizaveta figures it's better if he's simply permitted to do what he wanted at the moment.
They reach her house and he follows her until both of them stop by the doorstep.
"You aren't going inside," she firmly stated because she predicts that her mother would pepper him with kisses, fawn on how adorable he was, and even convince him to stay there forever*.
Personally, she found that equally terrifying and amusing.
He smirked. "Afraid I might never come out?"
"Yes."
He chuckled. "What's so horrible about my presence, eh? Everybody needs a little bit of Prussian lovin'"
She was hardly impressed. "I could go on for a whole year to why your presence is atrocious, and Prussia does not exist anymore, Gilbert. Deluding yourself isn't getting you anywhere."
He cringed. "You sound like aristoprat."
"His name is Roderich."
"What's the difference?" he inquired, staring blankly at her. "Roderich is Aristoprat in German."
"No it isn't."
"How would you know, eh?"
"I study German," she reminded, smiling wryly.
He pointed at himself. "First language; Language spoken at home; totally awesome expert."
"The grammar changes over the years. Also, I really do doubt you would use the word 'aristocrat' or 'aristocratic.' Another thing, aristoprat is not a word."
"You're totally boring. I didn't even listen cause you were so duuuuullll."
"Whenever you say 'totally,' you sound like Feliks."
Gilbert opened his mouth, faking an overdramatic gasp. "No! I am TOO awesome to be Feliks!"
She shrugged, stifling the laugh that threatened to spill from her lips. "Sure. That explains everything." An exact replica of the trademark Gilbert grin formed on her lips. "You might even be gay!"
And that's when he was mirroring the exact reaction Roderich had when he found out his birthday cake was chocolate. "I'M NOT!"
"Sure. No wonder you hang with Antonio and Francis- they're both very gay."
"I'm straight!" he cried. "I really am!"
"Nope. I knew there was a reason to why you loved my boyish self," she mused. "There's no way to deny anything anymore. Maybe that's why your eerily pale- you've hid in the closet for too long-"
She was interrupted by chapped, peppermint flavored lips pressed against hers. She took a longer than necessary amount of time to process what exactly was happening.
Gilbert was kissing her. Gilbert.
Aaaand she was kissing him back. Wait, what?
He pulled away and her face was covered in shock and speechlessness. His smug, beaming face is clearly shouting Damn I Knew You Wanted Me.
"W-wh-wha-?" Words were sputtered and coherence was out of reach.
"Am I still gay?" he asked mischievously then turning around. Gilbert rose his hand whilst calling out a Bye.
The sunset painted her face mellow oranges and soft yellows, the sky bleeding red orange hues. And she still stood there like a fumbling idiot that she's been rendered to.
"Oh Lizzy~ I heard what Gilbo diiiiiiiiddddd!" Anne cheered, skipping like a homicidal maniac. Romano was following her- with a good distance apart at that- clearly unnerved by the high-amounts of ecstasy she has (or smoked, one could never distinguish the differences)**.
Elizaveta snapped out of her trance, slightly pale and very much in love. Sort of.
Gilbert Beilschmidt struck her with his arrow and there's no way of pulling it out. Crap.
End.
I love you, Lizzie, but you need to accept the awesomeness that is Gilbo and how painfully in love you are with him.
* I can imagine Gilbert being adored by Mama Hedervary because he puts up his 'perfect future-in-law' façade around her. That, and it pisses Lizzy-darling off.
** Anne doesn't really smoke. If she did, it must be some obscure experiment. I don't really know; she's German/related to Gilbert who is bound to do insane dares and experiments. That and there's Netherlands.
Please review! Constructive Criticism is love 3
Another thing: Mama Hedervary ILU. 3