My name is Tessa Gray. I am writing this on the 23rd November, 2068, with a biro and some crumpled notepaper. I split my heart in two and it never healed, not really, though I chastised myself into believing it was as healthy as it was the day I was born. I have loved many people over the course of my long and lonely life (though I must admit it has not always been that way), and ten of them haunt me day and night, the ghosts of their memories always in the back of my mind. Three of them are men, whom I have loved with all my heart. One betrayed me, one misled me, and one caused my heart to finally shatter. There have been my children, of course, but I had a duty to love them and they were never really men to me.
The first man I loved, though not, I admit, in the same way as the others, was Nathaniel Gray, my "brother". And, oh! What a brother he turned out to be. There are days when I find myself thinking fondly of him; there are days when I wish with all my might that he is burning alone in hell. I was the favoured child when we were younger, and he held a bitter grudge against me for it, that seemed to never go away. There is one memory that I find myself returning to many a time, just on a whim that it will make the pain go away. I couldn't have been older than six, which would have made Nate nine years old. My innocent heart was yet to beat harshly from a sickness inside me that people call love, because this love was for a brother who was mine, and mine alone, and he loved me. He was yet to be tainted by lies and betrayal, and we sat in the summer sun, holding hands and making misshapen daisy chains, which could not really be called chains, since the stalks split and crumpled into a mess. The grass was soft and comforting beneath our backs, and it shone out a bright green, and the trees were gentle as they swayed in the slight breeze.
"You're doing that wrong!" laughed Nate, as he plucked the daisy chain from my hand, "You ought to tie the stalks together to stop them from breaking," I stuck my tongue out far enough that it would not be unreasonable to liken me to a frog.
"But that's not how you make a daisy chain, Aunt Harriet told me." Nate shrugged and poked my bare stomach, and I squirmed in protest as he continued to tickle me. I had long since disposed of my clothes, deeming them far too hot for such a day as this.
"Nate," I said, suddenly struck by some odd feeling of curiosity, "where do babies come from?" Nate looked taken aback, as the thought, most likely for the first time, wondered across his mind.
"Do you know Tessie," he said, "I have no idea. We ought to ask Aunt Harriet."
"I asked her yesterday. She said that a stork came an dropped them outside mummies' and daddies' windows."
"Well then, that must be it."
"Don't be silly. Have you ever seen any storks carrying babies?"
"Have you ever seen Saint Nicholas?" That was different, I thought, though my childish way of thinking could come up with no way to explain that to Nate. He started tickling me again, and I rolled over, face into the grass.
"Tessie?"
I mumbled something indistinguishable.
"C'mon Tessie!"
I started to eat the grass them, opening my mouth wide and then biting down on the thin green reeds. The taste reminded me of newspaper, which sometimes I'd eat when I had nothing better to do.
"Tessie, let's play hide and seek!"
I turned back round to face Nate then, nodding vigorously with a smile swept across my face. Jumping up, I started to count to ten, peeping through the cracks in my finger to watch Nate run into the large , expanse of trees. After ten counts of jumping up and down in excitement, I moved my legs as fast as I could down to the trees, and once I found myself inside the sun was blocked out by the overwhelming canopy of leaves.
"Nate?" I called, tiptoeing as not to wake the fairies and ghouls I had been so often warned of in fairytales. My heart suddenly started beating faster, and beads of sweat appeared on my forehead. I bit my lip, feeling an odd sense of panic rising within me.
"Tessa Gray?"
I yelped, jumping round, my teeth chattering. It wasn't Nate's voice. This voice had a lilt of arrogance, but it was cold and harsh, and I didn't like it at all.
"Nate!" I cried, picking up my skirts and running in a frenzy into the trees. Deeper and deeper into the maze of branches, away from the voice coming from the other side.
"Tessa? It's okay, I'm not going to harm you? Come out now, it's alright,"
I stumbled over a branch and the gravelly ground sliced through my knee, leaving a long red line. I hit the ground, tears streaming down my face as I shook and tried to pull myself back up. There was a figure now, dressed up in a suit with a shadowy attire, and I hugged my fragile body and rocked back and forth.
"Tessa Gray, well, well, well. Who'd have known you'd turn out his beautiful?" "Nate," I choked, my voice catching in my throat.
"Tessie?"
I could hear him, drawing closer.
"Would you like to come with me Tessa?" crooned the voice, and I shook my head, clutching myself.
"You will eventually, you understand. It would be easiest. You wouldn't be lonely, you see."
"Go away!" I pulled myself to my feet, aching in every part of my body. The figure was just standing, unmoving and unyielding, yet seemingly with no desire to attack.
"You could be a princess, Tessie," the voice drawled, and I sobbed, moving my broken body slowly forward. Footsteps and broken branches could be heard from another part of the forest, and I could see Nate, clambering over rubble and stones. But the figure was running now. He was closer, and closer. I tried to run, desperately placing one foot in front of the other.
"I hope to see you soon Tessa Gray," said the figure, just inches away from my petite frame. It doffed its hat, and then was gone.
"Tessie," said Nate, finally close,"are you alright?" He bent down and hugged me, and I returned his embrace.
"There was a man, Nate," I said, "he wanted to take me away and make me a princess, but he was so horrible Nate, I wouldn't have liked it one bit!" I sobbed again, and Nate sat with me on the ground.
"It's okay Tessie," he said, "I'm your big brother, and I'm always going to take care of you." And in that moment I believed him. I never did find out who the voice was, and I had no desire to. I poured my trust into Nate, and when he betrayed me, the blow hit hard. I hated him with a burning passion, but there was still once a time when he was Nathaniel Gray, my dearest brother, and oh how I miss it. Nate is partially to blame for this tragedy, I suppose, because he disappeared. The Nate that he was disappeared into oblivion, and a stranger was put in his place. It was, in a way, the beginning of the end. So Nate, if indeed you made it in heaven, I shall not meet you there, but where ever you lie now - wherever the real you lies now - I hope it's beautiful.