I just feel empty, not necessarily even upset about what happened; breaking up with your fiancé, the one you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Did I actually love him? I feel more embarrassed than anything, none of my friends liked him, neither did my family really, they all said he was bad for me. They were right, here I am losing more and more weight, dying my hair blonde, wearing more makeup; just because that's what he wanted. He said that we should do stuff for each other, make each other happy, but what did he do for me? I knew he was cheating on me, but I was too humiliated to stop him or break up with him. I guess it makes what I did okay. I'm never good enough for anyone, my single was a flop, I get hate about everything I do, but the thing that hurts the most is that the person I loved, maybe even still love doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Our relationship was perfect, I was treated like a princess every day, I felt so special and important and I tried to make my love feel the same way. We weren't only lovers, but best friends too. We did everything together, shopping, eating, sleeping, and even gossiping yet we never got bored of each other. I'd do anything to make my love happy, to see that beautiful smile that I miss more than anything. We'd have pillow fights at 2 in the morning, colour coordinate our outfits, sit and see how many marshmallows we could fit in our mouths, play Frisbee in the middle of my house, dance to music that isn't there. We were connected in a special way, as if we were made to be together or at least I thought we were.

We had a big argument, she thought I'd cheated on her, I told her it wasn't like that. We only made out. It didn't mean anything. Yet to her it meant so much, I showed her my bad side that she didn't think existed. She was so angry, she kept on screaming how whenever we kissed it must of never meant anything to me, how I'd hurt her more than anyone else has or ever will. Things got bad quickly; I told her she was over reacting that I only love her. It just made her more distraught, I broke her. The tears streamed down both our faces, as we watched our perfect relationship fall apart. Only now I realise what a big mistake I made, but now it's too late. I really did think us being together forever was fate. How can fate be wrong?

We broke up at the start of November 2012, the 2nd, the day after our huge argument. Heather did it. She said she lost all the trust she had in me, she didn't think we should talk anymore. It was the end. I cried and cried whenever I was alone, I couldn't sleep, because all I could think of was her. It got even worse when the cast found out, the last thing I wanted was there pity. Naturally Lea began to hate me, she always supported Heather, I guess she just looks out for her, but was it ever really any of her business?

I spent Christmas with family, yet I still felt alone, we were meant to celebrate Christmas together for the first time, Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with hers, but I messed that one up. I would've probably ruined her Christmas anyway her mother hated me, it could of never ended well. I'm the bitch that made her "go lesbian", which is obviously a sin in her eyes.

I met Sean in March, the cast had been pushing me to start dating again, a lot, he was sweet and I started to fall for him, although Heather never left my mind, but I knew I had to move on; it was over. I contemplated what Heather would be doing; just the thought of her dating again made me feel a bitter taste in my mouth, especially if it was with that piece of shit Taylor. I didn't know though. We didn't talk and the cast always avoided discussing her with me, even If I was just asking if she was okay. The only time I saw her was on the rare occasion we were shooting together, we had to pretend to get along when we shot scenes, which hurt more than anything and as soon as it was over we went our separate ways and she went back to avoiding me.

Sean wasn't as romantic as Heather, his lips weren't as soft, his hands weren't as gentle, his eyes didn't sparkle, we couldn't laugh about anything together, yet there was something I really liked about him. Dating him was great, it helped me to forget Heather, to move on, not only for myself to feel better, but also so she can live happily without me bothering her.

I got back from another great date with Sean, he had to rush off to the studio, but he made sure his girl was left happy; I had a beautiful bouquet of flowers in my hand as I joyfully entered my LA home. I went to put them in a vase as I smiled to myself as I pulled out my iPhone. I finally felt more like my old self, for the first time in forever I decided to troll twitter. I felt my heart rate race, everything went numb, my eyes went fuzzy; it couldn't be true. Someone would have told me. They wouldn't let me find out like this. Her glee cast members are reportedly very happy for her and can't wait to welcome a new member to their glee family. No. She can't be. 4 months. No. Heather can't be pregnant.

I couldn't stop shaking, but I managed to dial Lil Bee's number: no answer. Dianna: no answer. Even Harry, he always answers his phone, he'll give me answers: no answer. I knew I shouldn't, I knew I shouldn't dial the number I knew so well, but I couldn't control myself.

She picked up, but I couldn't speak.

"Naya?"She just sounded confused. Until I couldn't stop myself and let out aloud sob.

"Is it true? Why didn't anyone tell me? W-why? Please say it isn't true, please." I couldn't control myself, my Heather pregnant, it couldn't be happening.

Then all my worst fears came true. Heather started to cry as well. "I'm sorry Naya, I didn't mean to hurt you, it was unexpected, me and Taylor didn't…" I ended the call, threw my phone across the room and just sat and cried.

I always secretly thought me and Heather still had a chance, but we never did.

Then everything started to make sense, the cast trying to get me to date, they knew about Heather, they wanted me to be distracted. I couldn't believe that they would do something so awful to me, but they did. I surely thought Dianna, Cory and Kevin wouldn't do that to me, but they did. I knew Heather hated me, but I thought after our history she would at least tell me, but she didn't either.

I had no chance with Heather. No glimmer of hope. Sean had to be the one.

He was. When we moved in together he treated me like his princess, I rolled over every morning and saw him dopily smiling at me. People always made out he was a bad person, but they didn't see the real him; the one that's willing to watch chick flicks at 3am, the one who made me breakfast in bed every Sunday.

Sean started to get along well with Kevin and my brother Michael, we did a lot together and it was nice being able to combine some of my favourite people.

I was feeling good, like myself again. I was at a music festival with Kevin in the UK. The performances were great, it was such a great atmosphere and Lil bee was busting some seriously funny moves. No worries, just fun dancing to the beat.

We got the call late in the evening, I felt like my heart was shattering, I felt numb, I looked to Kevin, hoping he would tell me it was just some sick joke, but he was sobbing as much as I was. Cory gone.

He was honestly one of the most genuinely nice guys. He was so likeable, such a dork, funny, kind. There are rapists, murderers and kidnappers, why Cory? Why not them? He didn't deserve this. His family didn't. His friends didn't. His fans didn't. Why?

I never really felt the same after that: no Cory, no Heather and now no Sean. Alone.

I accepted the fact that I'd have to remember Cory through memories, which still hurt, but at least I got to make memories with him. His many fans will never get to experience any memories with him and they'd honestly be the best memories they'd ever make. Cory really was a people person, he wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, he could make you laugh when you wanted to cry and he never judged you.

When me and Heather broke up he was there for me, it didn't affect his friendship with either of us like it did with other cast members. He wasn't clingy or annoying; he just made sure I was okay. Just little things like texting me funny pictures of dogs wearing sombreros when he thought I'd looked sad on set or randomly taking me for sushi when we finished filming.

"Thanks for doing this Cory." I really was thankful for him.

Cory was doing his best to use the chopsticks, but just ended up trying to stab the sushi, while pulling aggravated facial expressions, he looked towards me, "there's nothing to thank me for, I'm having a great time, even though I'm sure this fish is still alive." We both laughed heartily.

"I do want to say though Naya, I know the rest of the cast are trying to get you to start dating again, but I really don't think you should give up on Heather," I wanted to interrupt him, but the least I could do was hear him out, "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you have and always will be soul mates, yes, there are obstacles, big obstacles, but…" I wanted to ask him what these big obstacles are, but he quickly moved on, he almost looked guilty. I now know why, but I don't feel like he did anything wrong, I know from the bottom of my heart that he really was just looking out for me and knew that it wasn't his secret to tell. "You can get through it, I know you can. Although if you do fall in love with someone else I will be happy for you, very happy, but I just think that Heather is the person that will make you truly happy and you deserve to be happy Naya."

As if he knew what was going to come out of my mouth he carried on talking, ready to answer the question that was ready to leave my lips. "And please Naya stop blaming yourself, yes what you did was wrong, but you never tell people what she did too. You both made mistakes." I just sighed, how did I get lucky enough to have Cory looking out for me.

"Even though you disagree now, I really do think that you and Heather will have a happy ever after."

I was always grateful for what Cory told me, knowing that he wanted me and Heather to have a happy ever after made me so happy even though I knew it would never happen, but things did start to change.

OOOO (Past)

I can't believe we've reached 100 episodes of glee it's insane; who knew it would be so popular? Now the big 100 is upon us and everyone is coming back for the grand occasion and I mean everyone. I got my script 2 weeks before filming was set to start. I couldn't believe it, part of me was excited, but most of me just felt dread. 100 and 101 contained a lot of Brittana and I wanted to make our fans happy, but I knew that filming scenes with Heather would probably be horrible and upsetting.

The last time I saw her was at her baby shower, I'm certain she invited me, because she felt bad about not telling me. It was beyond awkward and everyone knew it. We didn't even talk apart from when she let me in her house; that's how bad it was and now I have to shoot romantic scenes with her.

I decided not to dwell on it, but it didn't help my anxiety about being with her again. I tell myself to calm down, I'm an actress, keep it professional, but I know I won't be able too. When was anything we did professional? Why do you think Ryan invented that stupid no sex in the trailers rule?

I arrived to set after driving the longest way possible so I could gather my thoughts. I parked near my trailer, which was next door to Heather's, her car was parked, but I didn't see her luckily. I went into my trailer to freshen up, I felt ready for the day ahead after about 5 minutes so I exited my trailer, but I didn't expect to come face to face with Heather.

She was leaving her trailer as I was leaving mine. It was more than awkward; I swear you could cut the tension with a knife. We both just stood in silence, neither of us knowing what to do. We hadn't properly spoken for a year and a half, it had been so long. We weren't lovers or best friends anymore, we weren't even friends. A lot can change in less than 2 years.

It felt like we stood like that for hours, but in reality it was probably only minutes. I felt myself begin to panic; I knew it was fight or flight for me. I chose flight; I just turned and walked away as fast as I possibly could.

I pretty much sprinted to the group reading, only to find that they are now having seating plans for them. Why on earth do we need a seating plan?

I quickly discovered I was meant to sit next to Heather. Shit. Shit. Shit. How were we meant to even talk when last time we were even near each other I ran away. I'm screwed. I'm screwed. I'm screwed.

I must have been speaking my thoughts out loud, because Dianna had appeared at my side and was looking worried.

"Breath Naya breath, just breath. Are you…" But then Dianna's eyes landed on the name on the chair next to me and she just understood. Di just pulled her chair closer to me, I only just realised she was luckily meant to sit on the other side of me.

"I know this is hard, but I know you can get through this, remember it's Ryan, the supposed romantic scenes are probably the two of you holding hands, you know he always liked to piss off the Brittana fans." I laughed because Dianna had put it pretty bluntly, but she was probably right. Ryan really is an ass to Brittana fans, as if anything will actually happen.

My laugh was cut short though because I felt an electric shock run through the right side of my body, I turned to see that Heather had slightly grazed me when going to sit down. Fuck. As if I could even hold her hand in a scene. I didn't even realise I was staring at her until our eyes met; it was probably even more awkward than the trailer incident. I think I saw Heather open her mouth to say something, but Dianna must have noticed my unease.

Dianna started to make conversation, which was a bit too awkward or my liking, with Heather, "Hey Heather, long time no see, how's Elijah?"

Heather maintained eye contact with me, "He's great, he's with his daddy Taylor at the moment, I honestly couldn't have a better partner he's so good with Lil Eli, but yeah you'll get to meet him in a few days' time when I bring him to set with me." Hearing Taylor's name made me feel sick, why is she still looking at me? Heather isn't doing this on purpose to hurt me right?

I looked over to Dianna who seemed to now be having a staring contest with Heather. They both look pissed.

Honestly Heather and Dianna never got on so well when Heather and I were a thing, but I've never seen so much tension between them. When we were dating Heather seemed to see Dianna as a threat and Dianna always thought Heather was a bitch to me. I never knew this until a few months after we broke up and Cory told me.

I didn't have much time to dwell on my thoughts, because the rest of the cast and the producers had arrived so it was time to start the reading.

The script was off to a really good start, I already knew the fans were going to love it; it actually reminded me of the old glee.

I've got some lines coming up better get ready to say them, "Hey I've been looking for you everywhere. What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to prove…" That's Heather speaking. I didn't even realise it was a Brittana scene. I'm not ready for this, but I had to keep reading my lines. I just looked down and hoped Heather wouldn't even bother looking at me.

"Who's forcing you to do this." I actually managed to say it, but when I looked up I wasn't ready to see Heather staring at me as she read her lines, especially the one about scissoring that brought back too many memories.

I arrived at Heathers for our Britt Britt, Santana evening. What I didn't expect was for her to have taken it so seriously.

We ate pizza while watching mean girls, which honestly wasn't anything out of the ordinary. We just snuggled up together and chilled.

When the film finished Heather started kissing my armpits, which was weird, but surprisingly enjoyable. We were both giggling from the silliness, but then I clicked what she was doing: she was being Brittany.

Things got heated and a full on make out session started on her couch and we were now somehow naked. Heather reached out her hand and smiled sweetly and walked me to her bedroom. Even when I'm naked I feel comfortable around Heather. She loves me and I love her, she accepts my everything and I know I'll feel this comfortable with her forever, because we're the perfect match.

Once we got to Heather's bed she gently pushed me down and straddled me.

I shuddered, quickly trying to get back to my normal temperature before I made even more of a fool of myself.

I somehow managed to get through the rest of my lines, even the kiss part. I just had to look straight ahead of me and whatever I did: do not look at Heather.

"Thanks guys, so we'll start officially shooting tomorrow, can I just have a word with Heather, Dianna and Naya."

For fucks sake, what did Ryan want now? I felt a gentle hand squeeze mine and looked into the reassuring gaze of Dianna. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her sometimes. Dianna leaned over to my ear "Once we've done this, we'll go to that new Italian, Luciano's, yeah? Don't worry."

Ryan came over to the three of us and sat down so he was facing us. "So you're going to perform Toxic as you know, I just thought I'd give you a heads up on the choreography and outfits." Even Ryan seemed uncomfortable with the uneasy tension in the room. "So you're going to be in skimpy outfits at some point, pretty much your bra and panties" Ryan sent a look of what seemed to be sympathy my way. "We really want to impress the fans and we've got some great choreography, now unfortunately Brook and Zac aren't going to be able to teach it to you guys, as they've got to help the cast with the rest of the songs. So we've got a tape of the moves and Heather, we'd like you to help them master them." As if things could get any worse Ryan then added "So we've hired out a dance studio and you guys have the room from 1-11, so you've got plenty of time to get those sexy moves mastered. We'll shoot the actual number the next day. So yeah, any questions?" We all blankly shook our heads in a daze.

All I knew for sure was that tomorrow wasn't going to be a good day.