You Belong With Me
"I can't take this anymore!"
Sam peered over his laptop screen as the lamp flew past his head and crashed against the
wall.
"Whoah! Calm down Castiel. What's wrong."
Castiel shook his head and clenched his hair, pulling on the ends in anger. He stared at his
reflection in the TV screen, tilting his head as he processed what he saw. A man. A short man
with dark hair. A short man with dark hair and light blue eyes. A short man with light blue
eyes in a tan trench coat. He blinked and a tear ran down his cheek. He was still a man in a
trench coat.
"This isn't me," he whispered, running his hands over his cheeks. "This isn't who I am. I
am not a man. This is not my body."
"Hey, Cas…" Sam stepped forward and attempted to console the distressed angel, but
Castiel stepped away and moved towards the door.
"I have to get out of here. I'm trapped," he whispered. "Trapped inside this body."
"Wait man, what brought this OK? Is it Jimmy? Does he want you to leave? Tell me. I'll
call Dean."
"No!"
Castiel screeched the word, running his nails across his cheeks. "Don't call Dean. I need to
leave. Don't tell Dean. Dean."
His eyes were unfocussed and they darted around the room, landing on the lamp, the two
double beds, the tv, the mini fridge, Dean's bag, Dean's shirt, Dean's socks. Dean. Except
Dean wasn't here. He had gone down to the chemist to buy cold and flu tablets for Sam, who
had been running a fever for days. His cheeks were flushed and his voice all nasally. Castiel
has volunteered to stay with the younger brother, and they had played snap and watched a
daytime soap. But Dean still hadn't returned an hour later, and Castiel's thoughts had
drifted to more private matters. Dean.
"I'm sorry. But I need to leave." His expressionless eyes stared into Sammy's and suddenly
he was out the door, storming down the street. Sam ran after him, shouting for him to come
back, but to no avail. Castiel broke into a run and even though Sam could have kept up with
him, even passed him, he knew Castiel needed to be alone. He closed the hotel room and sat
on the edge of his bed, flipping out his phone.
Castiel has snapped. Get back here asap.
Sam heard the Impala pull up outside the motel ten minutes later, and the quick steps of his
older brother as he raced inside the room.
"What happened?"
Arms full of shopping bags, Dean had a half a donut in his mouth and a can of soft drink in
another. He dropped the bags on the ground and repeated the question more urgently.
Sam shrugged. "I have no freaking idea. One minute we were just sitting here talking. I was
about to put on a movie with my laptop, and he just exploded. Said 'this isn't me, this isn't
my body'. He was horrified."
Dean frowned and pulled out his phone, quickly dialling Castiel's number. After five rings it
went to message bank, and Dean listened to Castiel apologise for not picking up the phone.
"Cas, it's Dean. Pick up. What's wrong, dude?"
He collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling, frowning. "Did you say anything that
might upset him?"
"No."
"Did you mention anything in particular? Zeke or Naomi?"
"No."
"So you said nothing at all that might piss him off? No apolcalypse crap?"
Sam shook his head. "I said nothing, man, he just snapped. It was like he was thinking of
something and suddenly he just couldn't deal with whatever it was."
Dean groaned and dialled Castiel's number again, but still he received the message bank.
"Cas, pick up. Where are you? Do you want me to come and get you? I'm coming to get
you. Just tell me where you are. Call me, man."
Sam jumped from the chair and put the groceries away, glancing out the window every
couple of minutes. The street was empty, save for a few stragglers stumbling home from a
pub. It had gotten dark quite early, and he was worried Castiel would get lost. Without his
grace he had no way of zapping back to the room as easily as he once did, and he was sure he
didn't know how to read a map. He didn't even want to think about stranger danger.
"I'm going to look for him," Dean announced. "You stay here in case he comes back. He
can't have gone far."
"Dean…"
"Just let me find him, OK?"
Sam nodded and threw Dean his coat. His brother nodded in thanks and slipped out the
door, setting off into the dark. He sighed. He hoped for Dean's sake Castiel was ok.
Dean trudged through the layers of snow, shivering in his jacket. He didn't want to take the
Impala out, as it wasn't driving too well in the cold and the heater was playing up. He
rubbed his hands together and looked along the sidewalk, searching for any signs of his dark-
haired friend.
"Come on Cas, where the hell are you?"
He pulled out his phone and called the angel again, yet still Cas did not pick up. You've
reached Cas. Please leave a message after the beep. I know how to do it, Dean! I said I can
do - Beep.
"God damn it Cas!"
He texted Sam, telling him the name of the street he was on, just in case something
happened. They had started doing it as kids when their dad had left them in strange motels,
and it had just kind of stuck. Now they did it just out of habit.
"Where are you Cas?" Dean whispered, scouring the streets. "Come on, man, just tell me
where you are."
He ducked down an alleyway, patting the knife in his jacket as he peered into the
darkness. No Cas. He looked into shop windows, through car windows, and cursed as he
turned down another corner. How far could that idiot have gone? He rolled his eyes and
stopped at the end of the street, leaning against the pedestrian pole.
"Hello Dean."
"Holy shit Cas, where have you been?"
Dean spun around to face Castiel, who looked like a drowned rat. He was drenched from
head to toe, and his whole body was shaking from the cold. Dean wrapped his arms around
him quickly, warming him up with his embrace.
"Don't do that, man!" he exclaimed. "What's wrong?"
He ran his hand through Castiel's hair, scrunching it in his fists to dry it. "Cas?"
Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder and simply stared into the distance. Dean could
feel his heart thudding against his chest, and he tightened his hold on him.
"Tell me what's the matter."
"I can't do this anymore." Castiel whispered. He heaved a heavy sigh against Dean's neck
and blinked away tears. "Human life is so hard. I feel imprisoned within Jimmy. I need to be
free."
Dean ran his hand over Castiel's head, entwining his fingers between his friend's wet hair.
He slowly ran his fingers downwards, and gently stroked his neck.
"Do you want to go home?"
Castiel nodded. "I thought that I could do it, Dean. I thought that I could be one of you. But
I'm nothing without my powers. I'm not an angel anymore. I feel like…I can't tell you how I
feel. My body is not my own."
Dean smile. "That's because it belongs to Jimmy Novak."
"No Dean, Jimmy isn't there anymore. Remember? It's just me in this shell, in this husk.
Just me."
He laced his fingers around Dean's back and nuzzled his face into Dean's neck. "I'm so lost,
Dean. I don't even know what I'm doing here. You guys don't need my help. You were
fine without me. I've just made your lives worse. Especially yours, Dean."
"No way man, you're awesome." Dean rubbed Castiel's back slowly and sighed against his
friend. "You're one of us now, part of the team. We need you. I need you."
Castiel sighed and shook his head. "You don't need me anymore."
Dean pulled away and held Castiel out in front of him. "Now you listen to me, Cas. We
need you as much as you need us. Hell, maybe you need us more. Sammy needs you, and I
need you too. Oh god, I need you Cas. I don't know what I'd do without you." He smiled
dejectedly. "I'd be lonely."
Castiel rolled his eyes and looked away. "You'd have a wife and some kids and you'd
live in a nice house and wear nice clothes."
"Hey, are you saying my clothes aren't nice?"
Castiel stared at Dean and grinned. "You should wash them more often. You smell. But I
like your dirty smell. Sam is too clean."
Dean grinned and began to massage Castiel's shoulder. "See, if you weren't here you
couldn't make jokes about me? And I know you love to do that."
"It's one of my favourite things."
Dean smiled and straightened the collar on Castiel' trench coat. "Well one of my favourite
things is pie, and if you weren't here I'd probably be thinner because you always get me the
best pies."
Castiel cocked his head. "Wouldn't that be a good thing? I thought weight loss was one of
the main things humans were concerned with."
"Yeah," Dean nodded, "probably weight loss and sex."
Castiel blushed, and his adrenaline began to slow down. His body felt calmer, cooler, and he
leaned into Dean's arms.
"I just want to feel like I belong."
Dean smiled and kissed the top of Castiel's head. "But you do belong, Cas. You belong with
me."