Thanks so much to The Wistful Bloom and Sinopa Ariyana for beta reading and correcting a ton of mistakes.
"Ugh," I groaned, looking at the alarm clock next to my bed. 5:23 AM on Christmas Eve, and I had just woken from another horrible nightmare, drenched in my sweat. I rolled over and stared at the wall. The squeaking mattress sounded so loud in the otherwise silent flat. The only other sounds I could hear were those of the traffic outside. Other than that... nothing. Of course, I'd be all alone for Christmas. My parents... vanished or dead when I was still a child. Roth died in my arms a few months ago, because I'd lead us into the Dragon Triangle, and onto that bloody island. The frown on my face deepened with every thought.
The only person left alive, the closest I had to family, was in Japan.
Sam.
Her father had asked her to spend the holidays with her family, and how could she refuse? Or, rather, how could I have let her refuse? How often did it happen that he asked her to spend time with him? She asked me if I wanted her to stay. When I told her to go, she'd asked to come with her, and she would have sweet-talked her father into allowing that... but I was just not up to dealing with a Nishimura Christmas. She had been gone for five days now, and I had been regretting my decision since she had left. Being alone again for so long, for the first time since... It was taking its toll on me.
Sam had been lovingly taking care of me; helping me deal with my injuries, calming me down when I had panic attacks, helping me sleep at night. I rarely seemed to have nightmares when I knew she was around. When I had mostly recovered, about two months ago, she started dragging me out of our flat again to have fun together. It was quite remarkable how she managed to cheer me up in all situations. But I thought she needed a break from being around me, so I let her go over Christmas.
I missed her.
Silence.
I was trying to fall asleep again, but something wouldn't let me. I wished Sam was there, cuddled up against me, snoring quietly into my shoulder. I would have had my arm around her, stroking her back slowly, planting a kiss on her head, taking in the scent of her hair. I smiled at the thought of that scene.
Sam. I loved her. Was I telling her that often enough? My smile faded. I missed her so much.
I hate Christmas.
I became restless in my bed. Bloody squeaking. I needed to do something, get out of here. I quickly put on clothes, grabbed my keys and some money just in case. But before leaving, my eyes rested on the little oblong package on the table in the living room. A present I'd bought for Sam a few days ago, on one of my long walks. How would she react to it? Worries started to seep into my mind. I shook myself out of it and left the flat for a jog. Dawn was still at least an hour away. The air was chilly, but it was not cold enough for snow, so the dark clouds up in the sky greeted me with a light drizzle. Oh god, perfect weather. I made a face, sighed, and started running. A couple passed me, strolling towards a bakery laughing. I looked at them and thought about Sam. I quickened my pace as I made my way through the streets. My mind started wandering off into all the dark corners of my memory yet again, filled with the horrible events of Yamatai. Sam abducted by the Solarii, the seemingly endless battle with the inhabitants of the island, and Mathias. Himiko. Pictures of people I killed floated through my head. I remembered again how that corpse tried to fill up Sam with its foul soul. I was still recovering from all of that when Sam got abducted yet again, this time because of me, by Solarii worshippers. They wanted to lure me back to Yamatai to sacrifice me, to resurrect Mathias. Crazy bastards. Then there was Danny, who shot me in the shoulder and made me jump off a cliff. My arm started aching at the thought of that. When my frown couldn't get any deeper, I tried to shake myself out of the dark passageways in my head, back into the real ones around me. Quietly, I cursed myself. Why do these memories always come rushing back when my mind is not occupied? Desperately needing other thoughts to fill it, I started wondering what Sam was doing. She was probably being her goofy, funny self, entertaining whoever she was with that moment, telling embarrassing stories and laughing, her eyes sparkling with the energy and enthusiasm, her lovely lips drawn up into a cheeky grin, loose strands of hair falling into her face. Sam.
Stopping dead in my tracks, I looked around. Where was I? Shit, I'd done it again. I'd gotten lost in my head. And, consequently, in my surroundings. My clothes were drenched from my sweat and the pouring rain the drizzle had turned into. How long had I been running? I was completely exhausted, my legs wobbly, my arms shaking. And this bloody headache. I was angry with myself. Luckily a nearby cab stopped for me. My body calmed down during the drive, and when I got out of the cab I was freezing cold. My shaking hands had trouble putting the keys into the lock. I grabbed my mobile off the desk in the living room, and looked at the screen – 10:41 AM. I threw it onto the couch and left small puddles on my way into the bathroom. After a long hot shower, I looked at myself in the mirror, fiddling with the leather string of the jade necklace I had put back around my neck. I could feel my mind slipping away again, until it was overshadowed by the grumbling in my stomach. I put on some dry clothes in my room and shuffled into the kitchen to open the fridge. Looking inside I let out a long sigh, grabbed some cold leftovers from the day before, and threw them into the microwave oven. I sank down onto the couch in the living room, typed 'Hey' into my mobile, and sent it Sam's way. I hoped she would be able to cheer me up. Half a minute later, my mobile buzzed. That lifted my spirits a bit.
"Hey urself! Whatchadoin"
"Oh... stuff."
"OMG I am so sorry for leaving you there alone :("
"I've survived worse ...I think. How are you?"
"fine fine, kinda bored, but I'll be a lot better soon, ho ho ho"
"Are you getting drunk?"
"HAH I'll tell you later. gotta go. love you!"
"Love you too. Miss you."
I looked at the screen with a smile on my face. When my arm fell back down, my eyes rested on the little package on the table again. I started to feel uneasy, and shifted around on the couch. Several moments later, I got up and into the kitchen to make some tea and to grab my measly meal. I shuffled back into my room to settle down at my desk. In front of me were mountains of documents, books, notes and random papers, all dedicated to my newest research project, and in a valley in the middle of it all my laptop. I piled up some books to make some space for my food and set to work.
Research, writing, reading, research, reading, writing... reading... writing... ... research ...
I was so tired from the lack of sleep I'd had these last few days.
I woke up suddenly, and looked sleepily at the mess on my table. "Ugh," I frowned, and my head dropped back down on the desk.