Rap with Kyubi: A tone-deaf Naruto Adventure
A parody of Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure
STAGE:
Curtains rise.
Song: Someday
Naruto:
I know that you're out there and I'm fighting for you,
Naruto's my name and I'm a shinobi too,
With my kage bunshin, there's nothing that I can't do,
They are there to help me make my dreams come true.
And once you get to know them they just might help you too.
And all the kage bunshin in the world will help me make my dream come true!
I know that you're out there and I'm looking for you…
Kyubi:
There he goes again, he's such a baka!
As if chidori struck his head too hard. (Naruto: It didn't )
(sarcastic) 'I'll be Hokage, with my ninja way.'
Baka, won't you stop with your idiotic dreams!
Naruto:
Nyeh! Stupid fox, (sticks out tongue) Can't you see,
I'm just trying to make my dream come trueI've done everything a genin's supposed to
I practice my jutsu, even with my Kakashi doll,
All my shuriken are really sharp, even my kunai are ready,
And when I'm done, I'm the best shinobi of all!
Kyubi:
Naruto, you're the biggest idiot,
The villagers look no further than just mere appearances to see
(Are you paying attention or shall I rip your arms off?)
All they see is what's inside of you. (Naruto: What inside of me?)
Don't you understand what I am saying to you?Look inside yourself and you will find out what is true.
Naruto:
I will be courageous and be true to my heart
It will make me happy when I know just where to start.
All they see what's sealed within me (Kyubi: Don't cut me off, insolent whelp!)
Someday I'll show them all and they'll acknowledge me.
I'll be waiting patiently until it comes. (Kyubi: Your singing really sucks! Go get some lessons.)
Now I remember, it's my ninja way
I know it'll happen and I'll achieve all my dreams
I'll be the greatest Hokage until the end of time
Someday their hearts will acknowledge me! (Kyubi: As if!)
Song: Someday
NARUTO'S ROOM:
Naruto munches on his pillow. "Mmm, ramen!"
The ringing of the alarm clocks brings him back to reality, along with the shouts of an annoyed nine-tail fox.
"STOP CHEWING YOUR PILLOW AND GET UP ALREADY!"
Naruto falls off the bed with a dull thud. Grumbling, he staggers to the bathroom. "Darn stupid fox."
After changing out of his pajamas, Naruto heads off to the training area.
TRAINING GROUNDS: Three hours later…
"WHERE THE HELL IS KAKASHI-SENSEI?"
Naruto complained, waving his arms about. Kyubi groaned. "We got up early for this? Why do I even bother."
Speaking of the devil, Kakashi saunters into view.
"YOU ARE LATE!"
Kakashi raised an eyebrow at the infuriated genin. "Naruto, what are you doing here? Didn't you know training was cancelled?"
"WHAT?"
"Didn't you find it strange that your teammates are not around?"
"Well…"
"I've got to go. I'll be seeing you around then." With a wave, Kakashi walked off, his nose in an orange-clad book.
"Training was cancelled and you didn't tell me?"
"Uhh, I kinda forgot. Anyway, it's time for lunch!" Naruto bounded off into town.
KONOHA VILLAGE:
Naruto was walking around town when he came across something that made his heart flutter uncontrollably. Cupid's arrow has hit the mark, causing Naruto to burst out into song.
"Not again!"
Song: My World
Naruto:
I can no longer hold it back,
My heart is filled with love,
The feeling of love for you.
I can feel your precious heart,
Holding you close to me,
I feel the special love for you.
Is it just a fantasy? (Kyubi: It's a fantasy, whelp!)
I never ever want to wake,
Wake up from this sweet, sweet dream.
It's my world, my love is everywhere,
To the sky, my heart will soar above; (Kyubi: I'd rather eat your heart!)
It's my world, my love is everywhere, (Kyubi: And throw your innards around)
I can fly, up upon the wings of love.
It's a wonderful feeling,
Being in love with you,
Please never go (Kyubi: I'll leave if I could!)
I never want to stop dancing with you.
This is my world,
And I never ever want to let you go!
Song: My World
"IT'S JUST RAMEN FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!"
"Yeah, but ramen is the greatest!"
TRAINING FOREST:
After a good meal, Naruto decided to head over to his favorite training spot in the forest. However, just as he was about to start, he heard a piercing scream.
"That's Sakura-chan! She's in danger! This forest is full of snakes."
"More likely she broke a nail training instead of being hunted by a snake."
Ignoring Kyubi's sarcastic remarks, Naruto headed in the direction of the scream. Soon, he arrived and saw Sakura kneeling on the ground.
"Sakura-chan, are you alright?"
She looked up to him, tears streaming down her face. "I broke a nail! My life is ruined!"
"Give me all your money! All money belong to Orochimaru-sama!"
"Yeah, give Kabuto-sama your money."
Three Sound ninjas cheered on a spectacled man who stood in front of Sakura and Naruto. Kabuto then formed a couple of hand seals and summoned a huge snake.
"Give me all your money NOW or I'll have Snakey here eat you."
"Eat you! Eat you!"
The snake lunged at Sakura but she seemed completely oblivious to the hungry snake in front of her. Fortunately, Naruto managed to snatch her out of the gapping maws of the snake. Unfortunately, in doing so, she broke another fingernail.
"Naruto you idiot! How dare you break my beautifully manicured nails!"
Sakura then proceeded to beat the stuffing out of Naruto.
When Naruto regain consciousness, he saw Sasuke standing on the dead snake.
"You killed Snakey! You will pay for this! Orochimaru-sama will deal with you." Kabuto yelled at Sasuke.
With that, Kabuto and the Sound ninjas all disappear from sight.
"Sasuke-kun, you saved my life! Let me take you out to lunch!" Sakura squealed, forgetting all about her broken fingernails.
"No." Sasuke shrugged her off and went on his way.
"You think you're so great! Just wait, Sasuke! I'll beat you in the Genin Tournament!" Naruto yelled at the retreating back of Sasuke and Sakura.
"The tournament is tomorrow! And during practice, you suck!" Kyubi sniggered.
"Ah shut up, furball!"
TOURNAMENT WAITING ROOM:
The next day:
"Finally I get to beat Sasuke!" Naruto cheered as he sat in the waiting room.
"You had to fart in my face, again!" Kiba growled at Naruto. Akamaru yipped in agreement.
"In your face, dog-breath!" Naruto punched the air, nearly hitting Hinata who was applying healing balm on his recent injuries.
"Don't you dare hurt Hinata-chan," Kiba yelled, dragging the poor girl out of Naruto's reach.
"Are you ready, Naruto-san?" Genma peeked into the room. "Sasuke is waiting in the arena already."
"Yeah!" Naruto cheered as he ran into the arena.
TOURNAMENT ARENA:
"So you made it, dead last!"
"You are so dead, Sasuke bastard."
"You may now begin. FIGHT" Genma stepped back allowing the two young boys to charge at each other.
However, barely had a few punches been traded, the wall exploded, revealing the head of a stunned snake squashing an unconscious Genma. Four men hopped off the snake. One of them was Kabuto.
"Where did you learn how to drive?" A big muscle-bound man with bandages all over him glared at Kabuto.
Kabuto laughed. "Maybe it if you hit your head hard enough, you might become smarter, Zabuza."
"Why you little! Maybe if I hit you hard enough, it might make your face more pleasant." Zabuza growled and attempted to hit Kabuto only to be stopped by a youngish boy.
"Sigh! Why must I be surrounded by such cretins?" the young boy sighed dramatically.
"You better shut yer trap before I do it myself." Zabuza shouted at the boy.
"Kya ha ha. You're probably the dumbest one here, Haku." Kabuto laughed at his friend's expense.
"Kami-sama, please forgive these lowly vermin for their insolence. They are simply jealous of my beauty. It's only natural that they'd act this way." Haku mumbled.
"Are you done talking to yourself, Haku?" Zabuza glanced at Haku.
"STOP THIS BICKERING! You're giving me a headache!" The fourth man yelled at the trio.
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama." The three replied meekly.
"Ahem," Orochimaru cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen of Kohona, please let me introduce myself. My name is Orochimaru, Master of Jutsus and everything in between. Yesterday, one of my followers was harassed by a genin of Konoha. And I've come here today to pay that person a visit. Does anyone here know anything about this?"
Sasuke grunted before stepping forward. "I am Uchiha Sasuke."
"Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama! That's the guy! He's the one who picked on me!" Kabuto whined while pointing at Sasuke.
"Okay, then let me…" Orochimaru stepped forward until he got a good look at Sasuke. When he did, he turned a bright shade of red and froze.
"Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto whined.
"He's not moving, guys," Zabuza turned to Haku. "I think he's dead. His age finally caught up with him."
"Oh, Orochimaru-sama." Haku sighed.
"He is so…" Orochimaru suddenly spoke. "H A N D S O M E !"
This sent a shiver down many spines. Orochimaru's subordinates sweated.
"Not again…" Zabuza moaned.
"Interesting," Haku looked thoughtful.
"Hey Orochimaru-sama, what happened to getting even?" Kabuto interrupted.
Orochimaru turned and glared at Kabuto. "Shut up! Forget about it! Can't you see I'm in love? I'm in love with Sasuke's body." Turning back, he threw a kiss at Sasuke who unwittingly took a step to the side to avoid the thrown kiss. "Hey pretty boy, Can I have your body?"
"What are you up to, you disgusting freak?" Sasuke spat. The ninjas around raised an eyebrow. Apparently, this was the most any of them had heard Sasuke speak. With lightning speed, Sasuke threw a kunai at Orochimaru's heart only for the Snake Sannin to catch it.
"Ooh! Playing hard to get, I see. I like that! Arrr! I'll take care of you later, Sasuke-kun so… good bye for now." Orochimaru cooed while his hands formed a couple of seals.
"ARGH!" Sasuke screamed just as he turned into stone.
"Oops, I turned him into stone." Orochimaru gasped looking around until the situation sank in. "NOOOOOOOOOO! I messed up! I used the wrong jutsu!"
"Oh well," Haku shrugged.
Kabuto laughed. "Kya ha ha Jutsus are supposed to be the only thing that Orochimaru-sama is good at doing. I guess we were wrong. Kya ha ha"
Zabuza joined in the laughter. "Ga ha ha! Yeah, first went his youth and now his jutsus too! What's left?"
"Gaaah! Shut up, all of you! Take Sasuke back to the lair so I can think of something." Orochimaru glared at his subordinates.
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," the three intoned.
"Hey, where do you think you're going, old man!" Naruto finally found his voice to the dismay of Kyubi.
"Who are you calling old man, huh?" Orochimaru raged, trying to find the source of the voice.
The crowd pointed towards the blond boy who was jumping around near Sasuke.
"And a one, and a two and everybody all together: Old man! ♫" Naruto sang loudly and off-key, naturally. The rest of the people present joined in. "♪ Old man! Old man! ♫ OLD MAN!"
This infuriated Orochimaru. "Gaaah! You! Stop singing along with them!" He yelled at his three subordinates.
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," the three intoned, trying not to laugh.
Turning back to Naruto, Orochimaru fumed. "How dare you make fun of the greatest Sannin of the Five Countries! You'll regret this!" Turning to his subordinates, he commanded, "All of you, get him!"
"Nah, I don't feel like it." Kabuto shook his head.
"Oh well," Haku yawned.
"Why don't you do it yourself?" Zabuza drawled.
The room flashed along with Orochimaru's anger. "Just get rid of him!"
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," the three intoned reluctantly. The three of them charged forward and trashed Naruto as the rest of the room watched in shock.
"Ho ho ho ho, did you see that, boy?" Orochimaru laughed. "You should know better than to pick a fight with the Ominous Orochimaru!"
"Yeah!" Kabuto cheered. "Orochimaru-sama is the oldest Sannin in the world! You couldn't possibly …"
"Shut up!" Orochimaru interrupted. "How many times do I have to tell you: Ixnay about-ay I-may age-ay upid-stay!" Turning to the other two, "Let's go!"
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," the three intoned more eagerly.
With a puff of smoke, the four and the Sasuke statue disappeared.
"Wait… wait… I'm not done fighting yet…" Naruto gasped before blacking out.
Another puff of smoke revealed Kakashi. "Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?"
Konoha Main Gate:
"Just where are you going, Naruto?"
Naruto turned around sheepishly and faced his sensei. "Err, hi Kakashi-sensei, I'm err…"
"Just don't tell him you're going to rescue that stupid Sasuke."
"I'm going to rescue Sasuke."
"Idiot!"
"Naruto, we've already sent jounins and ANBUs all over the five countries. They'll find him soon enough."
"But I need to finish my fight! Nobody beats up Uzumaki Naruto."
Kakashi sighed, trying to think of a way to keep Naruto out of trouble. "Then I suggest you go to the Tower of Wisdom and find an old friend of mine. He would be able to help you out. It's better than just running all over the place."
"Right! Thanks, Kakashi-sensei. You're the best!"
Kakashi chuckled as Naruto merrily skipped down the path. "Wait till he realizes that there's no such place."
Some Unknown Town:
"Just where is this stupid tower? Everyone I asked has never heard of it." Naruto moaned.
"You could have asked Kakashi. How about going back to ask him."
"No way! I can't return to Konoha until I've found Sasuke."
"Says who?""It's my ninja way."
"Your ninja way is a pain in the…""Hey, that must be it!"
"Huh? That's just a stupid tower."
"But it's the tallest one around. It must be the Tower of Wisdom! Let's go!"
Kyubi wondered if he could ever break out of the stupid seal and even stupider Naruto.
Orochimaru's LairOrochimaru sat on his throne, the statue of Sasuke standing beside him. He huffed and growled until Haku walked in.
"Well?" Orochimaru growled.
"That jutsu that you used is an ancient jutsu. There is only one cure for it." Haku mentioned.
"So what is it?" Zabuza muttered impatiently.
"It requires the kiss of a maiden who loves him." Haku sniggered.
"WHAT?""Orochimaru-sama's no maiden that's for sure." Kabuto laughed.
"Does it have to be a maiden or just someone who loves him?" Zabuza asked.
"The book specifically mentioned that it has to be a maiden since it was a boy who was stoned. There's bound to be one among Sasuke's fan club who can break this curse." Haku smiled.
"And who's going to infiltrate his fanclub?" Kabuto scowled.
"Do you have to ask?" Zabuza groaned.
"All of you, go get his fan club. Every one of them. Then Sasuke's body will be all mine." Orochimaru squealed in delight.
"We'd better get going then," Haku left the room.
"Right," Zabuza dragged Kabuto out of the room.
Top floor of the 'Tower of Wisdom':
Naruto arrived panting. What kind of tower is infested by monsters? He nearly had his hand bitten off if not for his falling down the stairs.
When he arrived at the top floor, he was surprised to see a furry creature looking out of the window sniggering.
"Err, are you Kakashi-sensei's friend?"
The furry creature whipped around to reveal a man with a wild mane of hair.
"Who are you? And what are you doing here?"
"I'm Uzumaki Naruto I'm here to get your advice."
The furry man grinned and pointed to his telescope, which was sticking out of the window.
"Alright then, here, take a look."
Naruto sauntered up to the telescope. The view on the other end made his eyes go wide. "WHAT THE? You," he pointed to the man, "are a PERVERT!"
"I'm not just a pervert," the man scowled at Naruto. "I'm a SUPER PERVERT! I'm the legendary toad sannin, Jiraiya! And I'm a genius. Who would have thought of building a tall tower just to peep into the hot springs? They never thought to look up."
"Shut up, Jiraiya. Are you corrupting young ninjas again?" A buxom woman with a huge cleavage came into view. "So Naruto, you are looking for your rival Sasuke and your silly sensei told you to come and look for us?"
"Uh yeah. Who are you and how did you know?"
"I'm the Slug Sannin, Tsunade. I see all and I know all."
"Except what the cards are."
"Shut up, Jiraiya before I break your jaw."
"So how can I find Sasuke?"
"Here's a scroll. Once you open it, it will take you to Orochimaru's lair. I suggest that you go visit the world first before you open it."
"Thanks, Tsunade-sama. And can you tell me why Haku and Zabuza are working with Orochimaru? I thought they were supposed to be dead. And they were acting weird."
"Oh that? Orochimaru accidentally killed Kabuto so he wanted to use Kyuchiyose Edo Tensei (Impure World Resurrection) to bring him back to life. Then he realized that he could use that technique to create other followers. After visiting the Mist country, he decided to use Zabuza and Haku. Unfortunately, he messed up and mixed the personalities of the sacrifices and of his new slaves."
"Uh, okay. I'd better get going now." Naruto ran out of the door and fell down the stairs again.
"You've been peeking into Sandaime's crystal ball again, haven't you?"
"Shut up, Jiraiya."
Orochimaru's Lair:
Orochimaru was reading the latest edition of Icha Icha Paradise when his minions entered the room.
"We have dealt with Sasuke's fan club as you asked." Zabuza reported.
"There were so many of them." Kabuto grumbled.
"So where are they, tell the to line up and kiss Sasuke so that the curse will be broken." Orochimaru shouted eagerly.
"Line up? Kiss? I though you told us to get rid of them," Zabuza complained.
"When he said to get them, I don't think he meant to get RID of them." Haku explained.
"Darn! I had so much fun too." Zabuza groaned.
"You mean to tell me you destroyed every single maiden who loves Sasuke?" Orochimaru gasped. "Oh well, just less competition, I suppose."
Just then a Konoha ninja picked the worst of time to enter the room.
"Alright! Stick em up! I'm here for Sasuke and I'm not leaving without him." Naruto yelled, brandishing a huge kunai.
"You would be more intimidating if you were holding the kunai correctly," Kyubi growled. Naruto quickly switched the kunai around.
"Can you come back later? I'm busy right now." Orochimaru ignored Naruto.
"Why you…"
But before he could finish his threat, the wall on his left exploded. When the smoke and dust settled, two figures in black and red cloaks entered the room.
"Itachi-san, Kisame-san, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Orochimaru hissed in obvious displeasure.
"I heard that my silly little brother was stoned so I came to take a look," Itachi said, his eyes on the statue of Sasuke.
"Boy, he sure looks good. You should have stoned your clan and sell them off instead of just killing them. Could have made good money too." Kisame rasped beside Itachi.
"Who are you?" Naruto yelled.
Itachi and Kisame exchanged glances.
Song: Amazing Akatsuki
Itachi and Kisame:
We are the fearless Akatsuki,
We are the most amazing Akatsuki,
We hunt for forbidden scrolls in the countries,
And when we get caught, we make a bloody scene.
This is the life of Akatsuki,
The scrolls will guide our way,
We are the fearless Akatsuki,
We are the most amazing Akatsuki.
Song: Amazing Akatsuki
"And I am the Snake Sannin, Orochimaru."
Song: Evil Sannin
Orochimaru:
I'm mightier than the kage,
Manda is my slave,
More powerful than Yondaime,
I put his face to shame
Oh look at me, oh what do you see?
There's no one greater than me!
I'm the Sannin, the best you've ever seen
So W-O-R-S-H-I-P me!
Sound-nins:
Your evilness, Orochi,
We worship you as number one!
Orochimaru:
Oh YES! I am EVIL personified
So get down on your knees.
And if you're ever graced by my presence,
You'll thank your lucky stars
Aren't I great,
I'm amazing myself all the time.
There is one thing that I still have to get,
I won't rest till he's mine, Uchiha Sasuke,
Sound-nins:
Don't you know you're old enough to be his grandpa.
Orochimaru:
HEY! YOU! SHUT UP!
My heart is burning, overheating with a raging fire,
The bod I do admire, he fills me with desire,
Dear avenger, I am here to save you from this curse,
Let his body quench my thirst!
My precious, wait a little longer
I will end your strife!
I'll bring you back your drive,
I'll take over your life!
Dear avenger, I am here to save you from this curse,
Let his body quench my thirst! (Sound-nins: Quench your thirst!)
If you dare get to in my way,
We'll make you pay,
You won't live another day!
Sound-nins:
Orochi, just show your power,
You're the baddest Sannin under the sun.
Keep on shining,
We'll keep on whining:
"He's our king, he's the baddest to be seen"
Orochi, you're the evil Sannin,
We bow down to you eternally.
Song: Evil Sannin
"Gah, what horrible off key singing!" Kyubi moaned in distress.
Meanwhile, back in the 'Tower of Wisdom':
"Hey Jiraiya, I found something interesting."
"What is it?"
"Apparently, Yondaime's seal has a funny weakness."
"Weakness?"
"Yeah, it weakens every time it is exposed to off-key terrible singing."
"Should we be worried then?"
"Do those girls know that you are peeping at them?"
Back in Orochimaru's Lair:
"You call that singing? That was pathetic! You won't even win a karaoke contest!"
"Think you can do better?""Yeah! It's my ninja way!"
Song: Ichiraku Ramen
Naruto:
Deep inside Kohona green,
Mysterious restaurant that's never been seen,
Land of the ninjas, a most sacred place,
Ichiraku Ramen, with open air space.
So please come to this restaurant,
The sacred land of steaming hot ramen.
Deep inside…
Song: Ichiraku Ramen
That was the last straw. Agitated thoroughly by all the off key singing that was permeating his ears, Kyubi gave an anguished cry and broke out of Yondaime's seal. The first thing he did was to gobble up Naruto before he could continue with the second stanza. His rage yet unsated, Kyubi proceeded to chew on three resurrected minions, two Akatsuki members, and one Snake Sannin. He ignored the Sasuke statue, not wanting to break his teeth on stone and because Sasuke was one who never sang during the entire episode.
Hence, Sound village was destroyed, the Akatsuki lost two of their best members, Sasuke remained a statue though made no difference to the other genins and Konoha experienced a brief moment of peace, that is, until someone had a bright idea to start a new television show entitled 'Konoha Idol'.
Fin.