Dark Paradise
And there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head. Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine, but I wish I was dead- Dark Paradise, Lana Del Rey.
Anko lay upon the grass, staring up into the sky. The blades tickled her softly, gently. Caressing her. They almost felt like waves of the ocean gently brushing over her skin.
She was in a clearing, surrounded by trees on all sides. No one would enter here. This was their 'special place'. The place only they knew about. The place with cruel golden eyes and the most hateful smirk, coupled with the soft warm touch and the tender words.
She thought of him even now. But when did Anko think of anything other than Orochimaru? His name repeated in her head constantly. Oro-chi-mar-u. It was like a melody, a song. Charming but harsh and ragged all at the same time. Romantic, but lost...like a long forgotten music box. It was because when she thought of him, Anko felt EVERYTHING. Love, hate, lust, disgust, happiness, sadness and that horrible nagging nostalgic feeling. How could one be nostalgic for such a man? Anko wondered this every day. She hadn't reached a conclusion yet. She wasn't sure she ever would. She didn't understand anything when it came to him. All she knew for certain was that she HATED him. She hated him just as much as she loved him. And she also knew that his face would always be there once she closed her eyes. His long dark hair tickling her face as it stroked against her cheekbones.
Those eyes. Golden eyes in such a handsome face. Every time Anko closed her eyes, even just for a second, she'd be back in their dark paradise, their evil heaven. She felt such an overwhelming happiness every time she entered the dark depths where, she knew, he'd always be waiting. He was at home in this darkness.
It wasn't healthy…her being here. It was only exacerbating her mental state, making it harder for her to forget him. But how could she forget him when, even walking through the Konoha streets, she need only close her eyes to see him?
No one else understood how she felt. No one could wrap their heads around the way she felt about her…Lord. Her Orochimaru.
He had told her he loved her. Anko wondered everyday whether that she was something he'd simply told her to keep her on side, or whether he'd actually meant it.
Surely he'd known that he hadn't needed to say that? Anko would have followed him to the ends of the earth at one point.
How could she have loved…still be in love with such an evil man? Because surely he was evil.
He wasn't here. He wouldn't ever be with her again, but she couldn't move on. She simply couldn't.
There was nothing anybody could do for her. You couldn't destroy the memories, the feelings.
She hated it. She hated him. He wouldn't leave her. He'd left, but he was still there, his sick twisted words still inside her heart.
Sometimes she wished she was dead. She'd close her eyes, listen to his words and feel their comfort, and then she'd lift her lids again and see she was still alone, still in her apartment or in their special place, and she felt an overwhelming urge to be dead. She hated this. She hated him. She hated loving him still. She wanted him gone, but she wanted him with her.
"Everything is fine Anko. My precious Anko."
Those cold hands caressing her cheeks.
Anko opened her eyes. She wished she was dead. She wished he'd killed her. She wished he was dead. She wanted to kill him.
It wasn't fair. Why was the most beautiful place to her also the most harmful? Why was that world inside her head, behind her eyelids, the best place for her? Her heart constricted every time she entered it, seeing him, pale and cold against the harsh black backdrop of their romance.
There were so many people who would be better for her. So many more people and yet none of them were him. None of them were her Orochimaru.
Sometimes Anko would dwell over the idea of her death, and even then he would worm his ways into her thoughts. She was scared. Scared he wouldn't be there when she left the world. If he died…if he could die. Would he be there? In the dark paradise just for the two of them?
Surely he wouldn't. Anko did not know whether she believed in a heaven or a hell, but she knew that if there was a hell, surely he would be there. She hated herself for wishing he'd be in heaven when she drew her last breath, waiting for her.
Every day social interactions were hard too; if you blinked and saw the man you'd loved and lost, then of course you'd struggle. Her friends knew there was something probably up with her, but no one wanted to discuss it, and Anko was glad for that. She didn't want to talk about him. Her master. The reason she struggled to sleep at night. Not with anyone.
She knew sometimes that they worried for her. Kurenai would often throw her concerned looks. Kurenai would often inform Anko that she was one of the bravest women she'd ever met. The way she kept going, it was admirable.
Anko found this rather laughable. It wasn't as if she wanted to keep going while she felt these feelings. It was just the sad fact that when you find someone you truly love…your heart will stay strong, whether you wanted it to or not. And, oh God, did Anko wish her heart was weaker, or had been stronger at the start.
And it was her heart's fault that she was there right now, watching clouds pass over the sun as leaves danced through the forest.
She wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep without seeing him. She wanted him to leave her alone, but she knew she would fall apart without his presence.
But that was the worst part; he wasn't there. There was no Orochimaru. There was only the Orochimaru in her dreams and in her mind and every time she slept she didn't want to wake up from him.
She wanted to stay, wrapped in his arms, feeling his embrace. Listening to his sweet words and being at peace. She didn't want to wake up from him, not when she was asleep.
But when she was awake, and she could think about it clearly, that's when it felt like the sweetest of tortures. There was no relief. He was there when she was awake, and he was there when she was asleep. She couldn't escape him and part of her so desperately wanted to, while the other part of her wanted to stay, wanted to embrace him as she did when she slept each night.
She could be on a mission, she could be talking to her friends, and she'd still be able to feel his gentle touch. Those fingers upon her hips, ghosting gently down her throat.
And there was no way to achieve what she wanted. What she so desperately wanted, despite the fact she hated to admit it to herself. There was no release. There was always just him, this flickering demon of torment, whom she loved so much. Whom she loved beyond reason.
And though she knew everything about this was wrong, every time he told her it was ok, that it was fine, she felt good. She felt like it was ok.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't healthy, but Anko could not -would not- shake it.
The woman closed her eyes once again and entered her dark world, her vile heaven. He was there, as he always was, and he was beautiful. Anko achieved that sick strange happiness once again.