Disclaimer: Obviously, I am not Tolkien.I don't own any of the characters mentioned. I don't own Gil-galad, though I am sure he would have been, in the long run, imminently happier if I did.

Once upon a time, there was an Elven King. He was a mighty king, who did many glorious deeds. But no one knows what these deeds were, because Tolkien preferred to tell us all about Turin, or Beren and Luthien. Repeatedly, in many different works. In great detail.

The king suffered these slights for many lives of men, but no longer. And so, I present to you, an open letter to Tolkien, from Gil-Galad

(All praise and or blame for this crime against Tolkienism goes to Tenshi Androgynous, who both inspired it and made me post it ;D )

Dear Sir,

For several Ages of Arda now, I have fought and died for you ( multiple times, in different editions). I have been a leader to a leaderless people, helping to bring together a kindred that were once torn asunder. I have died a terrible, nasty, really hot death for you. And for what??? NOTHING!!!! Well, sir, I can stand idly by no more! I must have a say!

Let us start off with the most obvious. My parentage. "Here, Ereinion, your father is Fingon. No, wait, you are a descendant of Feanor. No, I think maybe Felagund. No, maybe Orodreth would be a good choice, let's go with that." MAKE UP YOUR SODDING MIND!!! And as for my mother, she could have been any Moriquendi hussy that wandered in out of the forest. Son of kings indeed!

Not that it really MATTERS who my parents are, as they clearly were not fond enough of me to keep me around. They shipped me off to that grumpy ass shipwright, who spends all his time "mysteriously" searching the seas for signs of Eru know what, and building ships in bottles. Thousands, and THOUSANDS of them. Guess what I got for my begetting day for the first 300 years of my life??!! What a wonderful childhood THAT was, let me tell ya! And don't EVEN get me started on the kinky old bastard wanting all the maidens to call him "Uncle Ulmo" and sit on his lap. Lord of the Grey Havens indeed. More like Lord of the lap dance!

And what about my glorious deeds. Hmm? My great and noble deeds. CLEARLY I did something noteworthy, to warrant my people giving me the moniker of Star of Radiance ( Starlight, Radiant Star, or however you care to translate it THIS week!!!), but what?? WHAT did I do? You couldn't even be bothered to tell anyone what I did that was so great that people loved me!! Oh, yes, I fought a war. I led the Last Alliance. I made friends with men. How terribly specific of you. Just when we thought you couldn't top the "Vicar of Vague" act you pulled with the whole mother thing.

As if getting skewered by a guy with NO taste in jewelry, thus ending my "immortal" life isn't bad enough, you couldn't even be bothered to give me a wife for the short time I had!!! Thanks SO much for bothering to make my sexual orientation a matter of fact instead of speculation. No wife for Gil-galad, hmm, what might that mean?? Have you SEEN the stuff they're writing about me?? These freaky girls have me sleeping with ELROND!!!! ELROND!!!! He's not even a real elf!!!!!! I mean, what elves do in their own bedrooms is just fine by me, but I have NEVER understood the whole inter-species relationship thing. Just creepy, that's what that is!!! Just because I gave him one of those damned rings. SO what? I gave one to Cirdan, too. And you don't see me playing pearl diver with him, do you???

And don't even get me started on this whole movie!! I thought at last I would get my chance, my tale would be told, I would be seen on the screen in all my glory!!! They even did a fair job of casting (Though I am, of course, taller and better looking). And LOOK at the screen time I got. Three seconds!! Look! There's Gil-galad shoving his spear into an orc, how glorious!! But ...OOO, there's Elrond, pan left!! And Look! There's Gil-galad receiving a ring of power, but ooo, here's Galadriel! She always was a publicity monger. And what the hell was Cirdan even doing in that scene? Celebrimbor gave both those rings to me. ME!!!

I've done a lot for you, and all I ask is my due. For my Full story to be told. My glorious deeds to be expounded upon in great detail. All you gave me is 3 stanzas of a poem! I have suffered in silence long enough!! I will be heard! To Mandos with you, buddy!!

Crankily yours,

Ereinion Gil-galad, High King of the Noldor in exile, and possibly (depending on the day of the week, apparently) of the survivors of Nargothrond.