"Come out of the circle of time
and into the circle of love."
~ Rumi
He walks down one of the side streets in downtown Stockholm, clutching the black wool jacket around him a little tighter, protecting himself from the flurries of snow. It's late in the evening and the Scandinavian winter is in full effect, but the darkness is countered by the little Christmas lights on every window sill. He tries to stop his teeth from chattering too much while he answers his concerned mother over the phone.
"Ma, I promise you I won't be on my own on Christmas eve. I'll hang out with the other guys in the corridor."
His mother sighs. She knows she can't convince him to come home once he has made up his mind. He was always stubborn, even as a child.
"Why you feel the need to get your doctorate in Europe is something I still don't understand. There are perfectly fine Nuclear Physics institutions all over this country." She grumbles and he chuckles a little at his mother's ignorance.
"It's not about the institutions Ma. It's about reaching out to life and seeing its different facets."
In the early autumn of the next year, when he comes home one day, Edward realizes that the room next to his in the dorm-style corridor he lived at was finally occupied. He goes into the shared kitchen and makes himself a cup of tea. Then as he settles down in the TV-lounge that was also shared between the eight rooms in the corridor, he hopes to God that it wasn't another woman like Rita. One crazy doctorate student constantly throwing herself at him was enough. He resolves to himself that he would move out of the university accommodation and get an apartment if that was the case. Then he flinches a little as he thinks about how lonely life would be if he didn't even have the companionship of his hall mates.
A few nights later Bella sits by her bedroom window in Los Angeles and smiles and shakes her head at her mother's excitement over the phone when she describes the guy next door that had helped her and Jasper settle in. She first gushes about how helpful he was when he noticed in their shared kitchen that Renee couldn't boil a packet of rice to save her life. Then she goes on about how glad Jasper had been to find another American in this strange place.
"I mean, sure he's 26 years old, but him and Jasper have been getting along so well."
"Oh yeah, nothing like a big old BFF for a 13 year old. Is Jasper liking his school?" Bella asks, concerned about how her little brother was settling in. She was only two years older than her brother but they were close like twins and this was the first time they had been separated.
"Yeah he loves it. The international school here admitted him right away when they saw his transcripts. We had a hard time finding the school though, but Edward helped. Oh my god Bella, I cannot tell you just how good looking he is. I wish I knew him before, I think he would be absolutely perfect for Rosalie. I mean think about just how beautiful their babies would be."
Bella rolls her eyes at her mother's rant and her never ending search for a guy for her younger sister. Charlie catches the look on Bella and chuckles, knowing very well that his wife was currently probably acting like a teenager and Bella was acting older than her age once again. Bella shares an exasperated look with Charlie and hands him the phone wordlessly, already tired of her mother's rant.
"Please remind her that she's there to get a doctorate, not play matchmaker for Aunt Rose." Bella whispers to her Dad and kisses his head before heading up to her room.
Bella lies down in bed later that night and feels the familiar tears stinging her eyes. She misses her Mom and her little brother. It's just for four years, then they'll be back and we'll all be together again. Just like before. She chants to herself. But she knows that it's all bullshit. By the time her mother and brother will return after her doctorate, Bella will have started college and they will never be able to live together like a family again.
Two weeks later, Bella arrives at Stockholm with a heavy mind, feeling like she had been defeated. She had wanted to be strong but Charlie had seen through her and insisted she also move with her mother, just like her brother had done. Charlie had assured her that he wouldn't be lonely, that he'd visit often and this was only temporary. That they all needed to support her mother's dreams because they loved her. Bella had whimpered and clung to him, not wanting to leave him on his own, but he knew that as much as Bella loved him, she was incapable at this point in her life to live without her mother and her brother when she had the option of not doing so.
Bella hates Sweden from the moment she lands there. She hates the emptiness, the cold, the green everywhere, the water surrounding the city, the gentleness of the people in it, how quiet they were, how polite they were. She hates the university accommodation that her mother and brother, and now her, were staying at. The other international students in the corridor are very friendly, a guy from Nepal, two guys from Cameroon, a very beautiful woman from Russia and then Rita, the South African. All of them go to the same doctorate program in Social Sciences as her Mom and they all love having Bella and Jasper in the hall, listening to their American accents and intrigued by the culture of the teenagers that they had only seen on TV before. Bella strikes an easy friendship with Rita in the first two days, who lets Bella borrow her nail color and takes her downtown and shows her all the nice places to shop at.
Together with Renee, everyone gushes about the occupant of the currently vacant room –Edward – to Bella. He went on a short vacation to the States the day before she arrived and hasn't come back yet. Everyone in the corridor misses him. Rita spills to Bella about how much of a man candy he apparently is and how he is so aloof.
"That good looking and a nuclear physicist and such a nice personality. Can you believe someone can be that perfect?" Rita gushes. To Bella, anyone who is that perfect is boring and uninteresting. She knows that if they are being accurate in their descriptions then this Edward guy must be narcissistic and arrogant. Also, she is used to be the one that everyone gushes over, always being revered by people around her because of how well she did at school and how beautiful her features were. She hopes the guy stays where he is as long as possible.
On her second week in Stockholm, Bella trudges her way home with Jasper by her side, both the kids tired after a long day at school. As soon as they enter the corridor Jasper suddenly lets out an excited shriek and runs for the room next to Renee's, the door to which is open for the first time since Bella had arrived. The American is here. Great. Bella rolls her eyes and goes into her room and locks herself in there, figuring she has lost Jasper's company for the rest of the evening.
Renee comes back home an hour later and comes into Bella's room to kiss her hello and asks whether they had eaten. Bella grumbles that Jasper is busy with the American guy and Renee shrieks too and runs out of her room. Bella rolls her eyes and gets up to shut her door that her mother left ajar.
She hears voices in the corridor outside, her mother's excited tone coupled with the amused laughter and pleasant but polite tone of a deeper voice. Bella turns up her music more and focuses on her homework.
She waits for the rest of the afternoon in her room for the excited voices from the hallway to die down before she comes out to get something to eat. Once she is assured that there was no one else in the lounge she makes herself a sandwich and turns on the TV to watch Spongebob Squarepants dubbed in Swedish. She sits on one of the armchairs and puts her feet up on the coffee table while she eats.
"Hey!" A voice says from the doorway and she turns her head towards it. Tall, light skinned, sharp jaws, broad shoulders, white shirt and grey slacks, copper hair, eyes that were aware of the aura he holds. Edward. She mutters a hey and turns her attention to the TV again, rolling her eyes to herself.
"You must be Bella, Jasper's sister." He says in a pleasant tone as he comes into the lounge and sits on the couch next to the armchair.
Bella nods and tries to focus on the show. She frowns a little as she thinks about how he knew who she was.
"Jasper showed me a picture of you. He also said you were the most intelligent person he knows." Edward tries to joke a little to break the ice with the strange kid that wouldn't so much as look at him. She just keeps ignoring him, while plotting various ways of giving her brother a wedgie later.
"Oh good, you met Bella." Jasper says as he also comes into the lounge, with a Happy Meal packet in his hands. Bella narrows her eyes at him.
"You couldn't at least get me one too?" She grumbles.
Jasper ignores her and hands her the fries as he sits on the couch next to Edward.
"So Bella, what made you decide to move here?" Edward tries to make conversation with the strange girl again. Renee and Jasper had gushed over her ever since he had met them. Renee was a little quirky but fun to hang around. And Jasper was a great kid and Edward had taken an immediate liking to him. It had been fun to go around the city with them, showing them around, helping Renee figure out how to cook, spending evenings playing video games with Jasper. He was delighted by the welcome he had received earlier that afternoon upon his return. He had even brought a present for Jasper. When Renee had told him earlier that her daughter had arrived too, Edward had hoped that she would also be fun to be around, like her brother and mother. He was rethinking that now.
Bella shrugs at Edward's question. She isn't going to tell some guy that she had missed her Mom and brother and because of that moved halfway around the world.
"I'd never seen snow before." She says in a flat voice, not looking at him still.
Rita comes into the lounge just as Edward stands to stretch his limbs and lunges at him for a welcome back hug. He stands with his hands behind his back and just smiles at her. Bella finds this amusing.
Jasper asks for some fries and passes a few to Edward, who in turn complains that they are too cold. He suggests that they heat them up in the microwave. Jasper gives Bella an expectant look and she rolls her eyes and goes into the kitchen to heat them up while she gets herself a can of Coke. After about a minute of being heated up she smells something burnt and both Edward and Jasper come running into the kitchen. She wrenches the door to the microwave open to see that the fries were hard as stone and starting to burn on the corners. Jasper starts to snicker and Edward looks at Bella with an amused expression on his face.
"I guess you are not as intelligent as they say you are."
Bella hates the man with a passion for the following weeks. He was exactly what she predicted he'd be. She doesn't understand why other people can't see it. He often compliments her on her "intelligence" and "good looks", and while to anyone else they were honest to god compliments, she can hear a hint of mocking in his tone. He takes up all of Jasper's time and that leaves Bella lonely. In the evenings when they all sit and eat in the lounge he is always there, taking up everyone's attention. When the rest of the students retreat to their rooms to study he hangs out in the lounge with Jasper, playing video games or watching TV, while Bella sits in the corner and reads her books. Apparently he is smarter than everyone else so he doesn't need to study as much. Renee gushes to Charlie about how glad she is that Edward is there to keep the kids company and she can really focus on her studies.
A few weeks pass and Edward is intrigued by Renee's teenage daughter. He notices that she reads books that are well beyond her age. He notices the way her eyebrows raise in appreciation during an intellectual conversation between the doctorate students. He hears maturity beyond years in the comments she makes during conversations, in the way she secretly takes care of Jasper like a mother would, in the way she takes care of her own mother like a parent. And he finally figures out why she dislikes him. He realizes that she doesn't like not being the center of everyone's appreciation and reverence and he doesn't blame her. She is very bright and talented. She deserves that position.
More weeks pass and gradually Edward breaks Bella down. He makes casual comments about authors that she reads, makes references to TV shows that she seems to like even though she pretends she isn't paying attention to the TV. He at first refrains from addressing her directly too much since she seems to dislike it but gradually she lightens up towards him and they talk more.
Eventually Edward establishes a very close friendship with Jasper and Bella. The three of them hang out in the lounge every night after dinner. Some nights they watch movies or play video games, on others Bella does her homework while Edward plays with Jasper. On some nights Jasper does homework or plays video games while Edward and Bella talk on the couch. With passing time Edward and Bella talk more and more with each other.
Bella is amazed by how much Edward knows about literature. She listens with unfaltering attention as he explains the topic of his thesis. She is surprised at how young he is at heart even though he is 26. The three of them explore the city together.
The leaves outside turn from green to orange.
One night Jasper goes to bed early and Bella sits and does homework in the lounge, waiting for Edward to join any minute. The entire evening passes but there's no sign of him. She waits until 10.30 then gives up and gets ready for bed. Before she goes to sleep she peaks out her window to look down at the street for signs of a black wool coat.
The next night Edward doesn't mention anything about why he was away. It irritates Bella. But she doesn't say anything. Many weeks later he mentions something about sometimes having to work late.
"Is that why you were gone that night? I noticed you weren't home even at 11." She asks before she realizes her slip.
He gives her an amused look. "You were waiting up for me?"
She mumbles about Jasper mentioning something and turns her attention to the TV.
The brown leaves outside start to fall off the trees when the wind shakes them.
Jasper is drooling at a well endowed blond actress on TV and Bella scoffs at him. Edward raises an eyebrow at her.
"You don't think she's beautiful?"
"I don't like her." Bella says in a flat voice. Then she gives him a level look. "You like her?"
He shrugs and looks at the TV. "I think she's beautiful."
She sits on her armchair for another fifteen minutes but then goes to bed early that night.
A few weeks later Edward goes back to the States because his mom isn't feeling well and while he is gone, Renee finally gets hold of an apartment for the three of them. On a bright Sunday morning they move out of the university accommodation. Bella is anxious because she didn't even get to say goodbye to him. She doesn't even have his e-mail address. Jasper shrugs and says they'll be back to visit sometime after Edward comes back. Bella isn't satisfied. She goes to the library across the street and prints out a picture of the blond actress that he said he liked. She writes their new address on the actress' face and says thank you for all the good times. Then she signs it "Jasper and Bella" before putting it up on the notice board in the lounge. It's a goodbye token for everyone here, she explains to Renee.
It's the end of December and Bella is annoyed beyond words. She is in the goddamn North Pole and there still hasn't been a single flake of snow.
At first she was sad for a few days for leaving behind the university accommodation, but with time she learns to love her new room in the new apartment. The walls were painted dark navy blue by the previous owners and Bella refuses to let Renee change it. She hangs up silver stars all over one of the walls, making it look like a night sky. She makes more and more friends at school and starts to like Stockholm more and more. Edward calls sometimes and has visited them twice. Bella likes the fact that every time he calls he talks for five minutes each to Renee and Jasper first, then talks to her for at least fifteen minutes. Renee is glad Bella and Jasper have a good role model to look up to.
Edward calls on the 20th of December and asks Renee if they want to come to a Christmas party that a bunch of other American students are organizing. Renee asks the kids and Jasper shrugs while Bella shakes her head no. Edward asks Renee to put Bella on the phone.
"Why not?" He asks.
She looks out the window. "I don't have snow boots."
He frowns. "It's not snowing yet."
"It will before Christmas Eve." She says with a confident voice.
Edward smiles at her confidence. "Ok. You can borrow my shoes then."
Bella rolls her eyes and grumbles that they'll be there.
Edward comes for dinner at their apartment on the 23rd. Before he arrives, Renee, Jasper and Bella are in the kitchen preparing dinner. The night is very dark outside and the wind completely stills suddenly. Bella glances out the window from the kitchen sink and just knows. She wipes her hand on a towel and runs out the door to get outside the building. It's dark outside except for a single light by the door of the building. She stands there and looks up at the darkness, waiting for it. And then it comes. A single white flake. She watches it swirl in the air above her head, sway from side to side. It glitters as the light from the door catches it before it lands on the ground and melts right away.
Bella giggles and claps her hands then turns her head upwards again, watching the other flakes coming down now. Edward stands a few feet down the street, watching her. She's in her t-shirt and jeans, not even wearing shoes, and it's freezing outside. But none of it touches her. He smiles indulgently then walks out of the darkness into the light, so she can see him. She screeches in joy and points out to him that it's snowing. She has never seen it before. She has been waiting for it all this time. He leads her inside to the warmth before she gets any colder while he congratulates her on her first snow sighting.
On Christmas Eve, Edward pulls up to their apartment building to pick them up for the party. He gets out of the car and starts to clear of some of the snow from the rear windshield of the car. The snow had come down in torrents for the past days, covering everything in many centimeters of it. Tonight is supposed to be heavier than the previous nights. The wind is sharp and the flakes are coming down almost as fast as rain would. The wind isn't allowing the flakes to swirl and sway in the air. They are being pounded down to the ground harshly.
Edward quickly gets back inside and waits for the Swans to come down. He is fiddling with the radio when Renee suddenly opens the passenger side door and gets inside. She is wearing a red coat and a green scarf, keeping with holiday spirits. He kisses her on the cheek and wishes her a Merry Christmas. Jasper gets in behind Renee and Edward turns his head to greet him. Bella gets in behind Edward and he can't see her but he makes eye contact with her over the rearview mirror and wishes her too.
"Did you bring me the shoes?" She asks.
He chuckles and asks her to look under her seat. She pulls out a huge pair of yellow rubber boots and wrinkles her nose at it.
The students have rented a warehouse in the middle of nowhere in the outskirts of the city to hold the party. They drive for a long time through winding roads through the forest to get there. Bella is mesmerized. She never knew anything in this world could be this beautiful. She couldn't believe it was real. How could something as white and pure just fall off the sky and cover everything with so much light and beauty!
When they finally pull up beside a snow covered field and Edward stops the car, they crane their necks to see the warehouse on the other end of the field. Edward says there used to be a road through the field but it's covered in snow now so they have to walk across. Renee and Jasper are each wearing their newly acquired snow boots and immediately jump out of the car. Bella starts to fuss with the shoes she had worn from home and starts to pull on Edward's gigantic rubber boots. Edward tells Renee to go ahead with Jasper, that he'd wait for Bella then park the car before coming in.
"Take your time." He says to Bella over the rearview mirror after her mother and brother leave. "I'll run over there and check if there's any parking available before I drive the car over all that snow." He jumps out and runs across the field, clutching his jacket to himself.
When he reaches the end of the field he spots a few empty places and turns to run back to the car, but freezes on spot. The wind has abruptly come to a stop, making the entire field eerily quiet, except for the muted beats of the music coming from the warehouse. The snowflakes are clumping together, making each flake almost as large as half of his palm and because there is no wind, they are coming down almost in slow motion, like they are suspended in the air for a few seconds before falling. And when they finally reach the ground they fall almost in hushed thuds. No more swaying, since they are so heavy.
Bella is standing by the car and starting to walk a little further away from it, in the opposite direction from the warehouse. One of her arms is outstretched as she tries to catch some of the snowflakes. The flakes are so large and so frequent that Edward can barely see anything but he is still breathless. Bella is wearing a white wool coat, white mittens and a white hat, blending in with the snow in a perfect match. The only things that separate her from the snow are the deep blue scarf that she wraps around her neck and his yellow rubber boots that she has now pulled on.
She looks back at him and smiles brilliantly. She starts to make her way through the snow but has a hard time keeping her balance, not used to the way her feet dig inside. She holds out her hand to him and he takes it, as they cross the field together and walk inside the warehouse.
That night, Renee finds at least 3 girls during the party that she wants to set Edward up with. She consults with Bella about which girl would be most appropriate and Bella points out the blondest one. Edward smiles and asks Bella to go talk to the girl and find out a bit more about her. Bella finds the whole thing weird but does as she is told. Somewhere during her conversation with the blond, who is very nice and seems very kind, Bella realizes that she would actually be a good match for Edward. At the same time she feels something…not even that…a shadow…she feels a shadow of a twinge somewhere but brushes it aside.
Bella reports back to Edward and he saunters away from them after a while, going into another side of the party and Bella loses track of him. Later that night, Bella is bored beyond words, and sits beside Renee while she chats loudly with a bunch of women. She watches all the people dancing and just sighs as she looks on. There's no one else here her age and both Edward and Jasper are busy with other things. Suddenly, Edward comes out of nowhere and greets Renee and the rest of the ladies. Then he turns to Bella and sits on the chair opposite to her before pulling out a single red rose from behind him. Her eyes widen at it and she looks at him dubiously. He just smiles and urges her to take it. She feels Renee's eyes on them and mumbles a thank you before gingerly accepting the rose. When they leave the warehouse Renee glares at the rose and Bella leaves it on a table there.
When they come home that night, Renee seems concerned. She has seen the look of fascination in Edward's eyes and that of confusion on Bella's. Her daughter is innocent enough so she doesn't realize what Edward was trying to do.
After that night, Edward clearly understands that Renee doesn't want him around anymore. And he doesn't blame her. He was a pervert for thinking the things he had thought that night. And he obediently distances himself from the Swans.
Bella thinks about the rose. What did it mean? Could he…? No, she stops herself from going there. C'mon…he's like my Mom's friend. He's old. Of course not. No.
Weeks pass and then months. Edward never calls anymore. But since the bus to her school passes by his university, she looks out the window of her bus twice a day looking for a mop of copper hair. She even spots it once. Walking up a hill, eating a sandwich while he walks during lunch time. She wants to jump out of the bus and go to him, but what would she say? She is embarrassed by how much she thinks about him and there is no way on earth she would let anyone find out. And him more than anyone else. He would undoubtedly laugh at her school girl crush on him. She would die before she let herself be humiliated like that.
Two whole years pass. And her obsession grows. What starts with a simple wondering about why Edward would have given her a rose turns to him taking over every single one of her senses every moment of every day. She once spots him on Bus 58. After that, every single time she sees a Bus 58 she looks through every one of its windows, desperately looking for a face. She tries to tell herself that it's just a teenage crush. But it doesn't make sense to her. It is strange since she hasn't seen him or heard from him at all.
Bella is in her final year of high school and she is eighteen years old. Renee is in the final year of her doctorate. Bella hasn't had a single boyfriend, hasn't dated anyone throughout high school. She always makes up excuses of being busy with studies, of making sure she has enough grades to get into an Ivy league when she explains her behavior to her suitors, to her friends, to her mother.
One evening Bella is home by herself. She is sitting on her desk writing a college application while music plays in the background. She has kept her room blue. She takes a break and goes to the kitchen to get a drink. Something occurs to her and she grabs the cordless phone from the counter and places it beside her books on her desk before starting to work on the application again.
The phone rings and it's an unknown number. She doesn't need to answer it. She doesn't know how, but she knows who it is.
"Hello?" She answers the phone in a small voice. There's silence for a few seconds.
"Hi."
She blinks and lets out a breath.
"Do you know who this is?" He asks in an expectant voice.
If I admit it, how will I explain myself? Why would I remember just some guy's voice more than two years later? Bella thinks.
"No." She says, biting her lower lip. She takes the easy route.
There is silence for a long time now before he speaks. "It's Edward." He says like it pains him to have to tell her who he is.
"Oh. Hi Edward!" She feigns ignorance.
He asks about how she is and how Renee and Jasper are. She tells him they are all fine. Edward is very quiet and she follows his lead.
"Did you want to talk to Renee? She's not home tonight." She says to fill in the silence.
"Alright." He says and is quiet again. Like he is waiting for her to say something. Finally he sighs.
"Well, I'll let you go back to your homework then. It was nice talking to you after so long."
She squeezes her eyes shut. He is going to hang up now. She prepares for a night of tears ahead of her.
"You too, Edward. Take care."
"You too, Bella."
Four days later Bella is lying on Renee's bed and Jasper is on an armchair beside it. They are watching Monsters Inc. and laughing their asses off. The cordless phone lying on the bed rings and Bella immediately knows who it is. Jasper snatches it before she gets to it and answers it.
He is super excited to hear from Edward. They talk for five minutes while Edward asks him about what's going on and Jasper blabbers on about school and football. Bella pretends to pay a lot of attention to the movie. Finally Jasper hands her the phone and Bella feigns as much nonchalance as she can muster up.
"Hello?" She asks it like a question.
"Hi Bella." His voice is a bit stronger this time, more carefree.
"Hi Edward. How's it going?" She tries to sound casual.
"It's alright. How's school and college applications?"
She shrugs. "Fine."
"Have you heard from any of the colleges yet?" He asks, truly interested.
"No, I've just started sending out the applications."
They speak like that for a while more before Edward clears his throat.
"Listen, I wanted to invite you guys for my dissertation. I will be defending my doctorate thesis next Wednesday at 9 o'clock and I would love for you guys to come. Also, you always seemed quite interested by nuclear physics so it might be fun for you."
Bella's heart leaps at the possibility of getting to see him and her breathing stops for a second. But she knows it's not that easy. He can't understand that she is excited about this.
"I don't know. Um, I have school then."
"You go to school every day. I am sure you can make up for what you miss. Also, you guys are kind of like my only family here. It would be nice to have you there." He says the last part in a soft voice.
She brings it up with Renee that night who outright refuses to go or to let Bella go. Renee isn't stupid. She knows the draw that man has for her daughter. And she sees the passion in Bella's eyes at the mention of his name. Even after all this time apart! She isn't her daughter's enemy. She can't let her lose herself in something as powerful as this so early in life. She needs to make sure her daughter stands on her own two feet before she loses herself in a man.
So Bella doesn't go to Edward's dissertation and he keeps looking through the faces in the audience for the brown eyes that he has been searching for the past two and a half years despite all the efforts he has put in order not to do so. He had realized how perverse his feelings were when she was only sixteen. And now that she was eighteen, and legally within his reach, he owed it to himself to at least find out if there was something there. But he had called and she had outright refused to even remember his voice. And now she hadn't even showed up to his dissertation. He should have been discouraged and completely let this go. But there was just something in Bella's silence that wouldn't let him do that. As always, he always read her silences better than her words.
So when he was leaving to go to the States for six months, he had called again. And he had asked Renee to speak to Bella. Renee had first been reluctant but when he had said that he was leaving for a while she had relented. He knew that Renee was sitting right in front of Bella so she was even quieter than usual.
"I am leaving, Bella." He had said and held his breath to hear her reaction.
"Ok. Have a nice time." She had said in a quiet and resigned voice.
Bella does the only thing she could. She continues to live. It's her last semester at high school and she submerges herself in her studies and finals. She graduates top of her class and is valedictorian. She gets into every single college she has applied to. She gets a full scholarship to study pre-med at the University of Toronto. Throughout it all, all the praise and the reverence from everyone around her, every single time she is truly happy, she never really is. Because she never can be unless he is there to share her happiness.
She is in the shower on the day of her last finals and she is taking her time. Then she hears Renee's voice from the hall outside and just from the way she laughs at something she knows who's on the phone. She immediately rinses herself and steps out of the bathroom within the next minute. Renee continues chattering away on the phone for another fifteen minutes and Bella hangs around the kitchen, waiting to be given what is rightfully hers. Renee announces proudly that Bella is going to accept her scholarship at UofT and go there. Finally when she can't put it off any more, she sighs and hands Bella the phone.
"Congratulations." He says in a genuinely happy and proud voice.
"Thanks. You are back?" She asks immediately.
"Yeah, I came back yesterday."
"Ok." She says.
"I'm going to move back though. Permanently. To New York."
"Oh." She says as she thinks about the distance between New York and Toronto, and whether she can find a reason to randomly run into him somehow.
"It's not too far from Toronto. Maybe we will see each other some time?" He asks.
She closes her eyes for a second. But Renee is sitting right there. Her eyes fixed on Bella's. Bella sighs and looks away. There's so much she wants to say to him.
Don't go. Come back to me. Take me with you.
"Yeah, sure." She says without conviction in her voice.
And that is it. They don't hear from each other anymore. Edward decides he has had enough of this bullshit. He can't be doing this to himself over some little girl who is confused as shit. He moves to New York and takes up a job as a research assistant at NYU. He starts to date as many women as he possibly can, making up for the three years he lost of his youth pining over a kid. He drowns himself in them and his work. A few years later he barely remembers all the craziness from the fucked up Scandinavian winters.
Bella moves to Toronto and stays there for a semester. When she leaves Stockholm, she is glad that she can finally shed this thing and start living like a normal college student. But as the plane descends to Toronto, her throat tightens because she realizes she hasn't been able to leave him behind on that snow covered field from years ago. She realizes he goes with her everywhere she does.
And she carries him around for another six months as she explores a new city. And everywhere she goes, she looks for his face in the crowds, as she has always done since she was fifteen. Being left on her own for the first time, she is filled with his presence more than ever. When she stands at the foot of the CN Tower and looks up at it, she wishes he was there to steady her when she feels dizzy from the height. Renee and Jasper move back to Phoenix the same year since her doctorate is done.
Bella can't explain it but as the term comes to an end, she feels a resolve growing inside her. Before the next term begins, she finds herself on a plane that is descending to Stockholm. She cannot leave this place. If he were ever to come looking for her, this is the only place where he would be able to find her. And no matter how much she hated the cold and the green and the water, she would be right here.
She considers applying to the Physics program, to later go into a Nuclear Physics master's degree, to make it even easier for him to find her, should he ever decide to look. But in a moment of defiance where she hates herself for letting him rule over her enough to give up a scholarship and move back here, she applies to medical school instead. Luckily, she gets into medical school in the next term. She loves it and she hates it. She loves it because she realizes how much she enjoys school. She hates it because every feeling in her mind, her enjoyment as well as her sorrows are all numbed by his constant presence in her mind.
During the first term, she visits the Nuclear Physics department. She goes to the library and finds his dissertation. She reads all his acknowledgements, looking for her name, or a rose, or anything to give her a hint that he might want her. She finds nothing.
There are moments when she feels crazy with desperation and she wants to find him or call him or send him an e-mail. But every single time she backs out thinking of what would happen if he were to deny her. How laughable her state would be to him if such a thought had never even occurred to him. She would be devastated and she wouldn't live through his rejection. As suffocating as the waiting was, his rejection would be hell. No, worse. It would be purgatory. She'd rather cling on to her false hopes, as delusional as they were. This way, that rose wasn't just something he had picked up from one of the vases and given it to the sad little kid sitting alone and looking miserable. This way, that rose that she had left on that dirty table filled with empty beer cans, meant something. And he was only waiting for the right moment to come back to her.
So she focuses on school and friends. She engages in a bunch of social activities, drama club, horseback riding, dance classes, volunteering with the Red Cross. She starts working as an assistant in a medical lab that conducts medical research. She fills every single moment of her free time with tasks. Anything to keep away the thoughts of him. Not that they ever actually go away. They just get pushed to the back of her mind.
Days turn into months. Months roll into years. Four years pass. Bella watches the winters come and go. She cries every winter when it snows for the first time then wipes her tears and resumes her life. She cries one more time when the snow melts in the beginning of spring. Another year of snow wasted on me, she thinks.
By this time, Edward gets tenure at his university and meets a very nice girl. Veronica is tall, blond, caring, gentle, ambitious, lively, loving. She is the perfect woman. Esme beams when Edward brings her home for the first time. They buy a 3 bedroom apartment with a magnificent view of Central Park and take their time decorating it. Edward takes her to dinner one day and slips a princess cut solitaire into her glass of champagne. She cries and they make love all night.
They decide to have a winter wedding and Edward tells Veronica she can spend as much as she wants on it. She is over the hills and plans the most extravagant wedding she has ever witnessed. On the night of their rehearsal dinner they are at Esme and Carlisle's ultramodern house, with floor to ceiling windows covering the entire eastern façade of the house, overlooking a stretch of land that leads down to the river. Esme decorates the entire bottom floor in themes of white, as requested by Veronica, white being the central color of the wedding. There, in the middle of all their family and loved ones, as Edward stands talking to his father and Veronica's dad, with a glass of scotch in one hand and the other draped around Veronica's waste, his attention from the conversation wavers for a split second as the sight of something out in the backyard catches his eye.
He gasps but the people around him don't notice it, being deep in conversation about something. He hadn't noticed that the first snow of the year had started to fall earlier that evening. The backyard and everything beyond it is covered in white by now. The snowflakes are clumping together, making themselves the size of half of his palm. The air is absolutely still, making the flakes fall softly on the ground. They move so slowly that it almost looks like they are suspended in the air for split seconds.
Edward's grip around Veronica's hip tightens as he takes in the little movement in the middle of the field. There she was, in her white wool coat and white hat and white mittens, blue scarf and his yellow rubber boots. Her hand outstretched, trying to catch the snowflakes. She doesn't look at him, as she had done on that night, many years ago.
Edward slips his arm from around Veronica's waist and walks towards the glass door leading to the backyard. He walks outside, without his jacket or any protection from the cold, but he doesn't feel any of it. She is now spinning around in the middle of the yard, her arms outstretched, her face up towards the sky. She stops spinning when he steps down from the porch, his legs burying in the snow, drenching his Armani suit pants. She gives him that brilliant smile that she had when he used to make a reference to one of her favorite poets, or when he made a joke at the expense of Jasper, or when she had witnessed snow for the first time in her life. Just when he reaches out to her Veronica's voice interrupts him from behind and she vanishes from sight. She blends away with the snow around her.
Veronica's voice becomes lower and lower in his head, even though it increases in reality. He doesn't hear anything anymore. His mother's concerned voice, his father's attempts and trying to get him inside. His entire being folds into one singular focus.
I am at the wrong place.
It is the only thing, the only sound, the only thought his mind can conjure up. He realizes just how much he has fooled himself all this time. He tried to do everything under the sun and the moon to be free of her. He went as far as trying to bind himself to another woman. But his heart, his soul, his very being wasn't his to give. It belonged to someone else. Only she could give it away to someone else if she wished to. Only that girl in white with the blue scarf and his boots. Only her.
It takes him approximately 4 hours to find a flight to Toronto. He doesn't know where she is but that's where he would start to look. He tears the entire university apart looking for her but there are no traces of Isabella Swan there. After a lot of insisting he gets someone to tell him that she was registered for a term four years ago but she dropped out.
He doesn't understand. Where would she go? Why did she drop out after a term? Did something happen? Is she alright?
Then he takes the next flight to the only other place he can think of. He will go back to where it all started and try to find someone there who knew her or her family's whereabouts.
In a sheer strike of luck he finds one of the doctorate students in Renee's class still living in their dorm-style corridor. Irina decided to take up a teaching position in the university afterwards and stay there. She is excited to see Edward and tells him that Bella keeps in touch with her from time to time and she often drops by. Edward makes her call Bella and ask about her whereabouts at that moment, without revealing his presence.
Edward finds himself in the largest hospital in the city within the next half an hour, running down the halls to the Emergency Medicine wards. Bella is doing a practical placement there, assisting the doctors for her Internal Medicine course. He finds a cafeteria overlooking the nurses' station and finds himself an inconspicuous seat.
After his eyes search for hours she finally emerges. And she takes his breath away. She is nothing like the fifteen year old he left behind. Her features are more slender, her lips and hips fuller. Her cheeks are sharper. Her eyes are tired and older, but there is a kind of innocence unusual for a 22 year old. Her hair is longer but pulled up in a ponytail. She smiles at the nurse as she hands over a chart but the smile is a necessity, something she carries out because she knows she is supposed to. She puts one hand on the reception desk and lets out a deep breath. Her eyes sweep across the room quickly, searching for something, knowing that they won't find what they are looking for. As in all of Edward's fantasies, she is clad in white. White scrubs from head to toe.
Edward doesn't move from his spot for the rest of the day. He watches her go inside examination rooms and emerge afterwards. He watches her call out to patients and taking them inside with her. He watches her play with her stethoscope as she waits for the computer to load x-ray scans. He familiarizes himself with the newness of her features. He reconciles the image of her he has carried with him with what she is now. And all throughout, his insides break at the air of loneliness that surrounds her. It's easy to see from every single movement of her hands, of her lips, or her eyes. As always, he doesn't need her words to know these things about her.
The afternoon turns into evening and he knows what he has to do.
Bella goes into the doctors' station and prints out some papers that her supervisor asked her to. She files them in a folder for him and leaves them on top of his desk before leaving for the evening. She walks out into the now deserted corridor of the hospital and takes the stethoscope out from around her necks. As she lowers her head to do so, she notices it. A single red rose lying on the floor. She feels the pang in her heart, as she always does whenever she sees a single red rose but she pushes it away. No time for a tearful evening tonight. Early morning tomorrow. She bends down and picks it up, then places it on a bench beside her before turning around to continue walking down the corridor.
"That's the second time you have left behind a rose from me." His voice calls out from behind her.
She stops in her tracks. She is shocked, not because she heard the voice, but because she didn't feel his presence before. Now she realizes that she did actually. She has felt him all day today. She just pushed it away in the middle of the busy day.
She turns around and there he is. Black wool coat, jaw still sharp but face a bit more rugged with age. Eyes that look like he hasn't slept in a while.
She has to be certain. She looks around herself to take in her surroundings. Still in the whitewashed generic hospital corridor. She reaches out and lays the palm of her hand flat on the wall beside her. She can feel it. It's cold and smooth. She looks back at him.
He is real.
He takes a few steps forward. "Do you know who I am this time Bella?" His voice is accusatory.
She ignores his question. "When did you come back?"
His face softens. "I never left."
Her eyes harden. Nothing could be further from the truth. Her very being and all its sufferings are proof.
He understands. "I left. But my soul was always here. It went with you wherever you went."
She scoffs. Don't I know it.
"What are you doing here now?" She demands. He is silent for a long time, watching her. Finally he decides to just be honest.
"I couldn't be here before. You were just a kid. It was wrong of me to think that way about you."
"Bullshit." She spits. And she is no longer a year away from finishing the medical program. She is the fifteen year old who fought him relentlessly.
His face hardens. "It's not bullshit. It's the truth. It would have been wrong."
She looks him square in the eye. "No such thing as wrong in love."
Her words pierce through him. He looks like he is being tortured. "What could I have done?" He pleads rhetorically.
Her eyes fill with unshed tears. "You could have told me. You could have come back. You could have taken me with you. I would have gone, anywhere."
His face twists in agony. "Don't you see? I couldn't do that to you. Look at you, Bella. There was so much ahead of you. I couldn't take it all away."
She is angry. "I could have achieved it all with you by my side. I wouldn't have to be left alone."
She is right. He gets defensive. "I called you. Repeatedly. You never…"
Her anger flares. "What would you have me say, Edward? I was young, I was scared of being humiliated. I did not understand any of it. What your words meant, what my feelings meant. My only experience in this area was from you and you weren't a very good tutor."
They look at each other for a long time. He speaks first. "Why are you here?"
She is irritated. "I go to school here."
"Why here?" He asks, but he knows the answer. This makes her furious. Once again, he is too much of a coward to state his feelings first. He wants her to lay herself out before him.
"Why am I stuck in Stockholm, Edward? Why here when I could have gone to school anywhere in the world? Because my life moved on Edward. It changed from that of a fifteen year old eighth grader's to that of a twenty two year old medical student's. New people came into it and filled it. Friends, activities, school, everyday life. But I, Edward. Me? I got left behind. I am still that fifteen year old girl, Edward. Standing in the middle of a field covered in the first snow of her life, holding a red fucking rose in my hands, not having a goddamn clue about what it means, what my feelings mean, what the actions of the man that gave it to me means. And he is not around to explain it to me. And he is not around to take my hand and lead me out of that field and into the warmth. Where I can feel something. Anything at all. Where everything isn't numbed by his goddamn presence in every single moment of my life."
He can't get any words out. His lungs can't take any air in. He says the only thing he can. "I tried to marry someone yesterday. But you were there. I couldn't."
She cannot take this anymore. She goes to her lockers and changes into her clothes. She walks out of the locker rooms and he is standing there. She walks out of the hospital wordlessly and he follows her. He follows her to the subway, to her apartment building. When she tries to close the door on him, he holds it with his hand.
"I have nowhere else to go." He says in a flat voice.
She lets go of the door and gets changed to go to bed. She just pretends like he is not there. He sleeps in the couch in the living room.
In the morning she wakes up and finds him still sleeping on the couch. She ignores him and gets ready to go to school. When she comes back home that night he is still there.
This goes on for two weeks. He fills her fridge for her. He cooks dinners. She doesn't speak much to him. Just things like "pass the salt" or "we need milk". From her perspective nothing has changed really. Instead of his shadow following her around, now he follows her around. His constant presence is something she is used to. Nothing weird about that.
He knows she is angry. He knows she hasn't forgiven him yet. He knows she is testing him. To see how much he will take before he disappears again. He is proving her wrong and giving her time.
After another week, he is tired of the silence.
"How was your day?" He asks over poached salmon with fresh potatoes.
She frowns a little at her food. Why is he speaking? "Fine."
He throws his fork and knife on the table with a clatter. She jumps. "I'm sick of this. You need to start speaking to me."
She gives him a level look and speaks calmly. "If you are sick of it then get out of my house."
He returns her look. "I'm not going anywhere. Ever."
Her eyes harden. "I can call the cops and report an intruder."
He shrugs like he couldn't care less.
She scoffs. "My first impression of you was right. You are narcissistic and arrogant."
He shrugs again but he cares this time. "I am those things. But I am also yours, regardless."
She doesn't like the ray of hope that has been rising inside her for the past three weeks. "Get the fuck out of my house, Edward."
He leans forward on the table. "Give me my soul back. I'll leave the day you do that."
"I never fucking asked for it." She spits.
"You cannot ask for something that was always yours. It was yours even before you were born. Before I was born."
She gets up so fast that the table rattles. Then she hooks her arms underneath it and turns it over, making everything shatter on the floor. He sits in his chair and watches with a calm expression. She is livid. She leans forward and grabs his collar.
"Then why were you marrying her?"
His look does not waver. "I have done a lot of things to break free from you."
"Why didn't you just go through with it and put us both out of our miseries?" She demands with harsh breaths.
"Because I couldn't give her something that wasn't mine to give. I am yours. The only way I can give myself to someone else is if you would hand me over."
She lets go of his collar while shoving him backwards a little. She stands up straight and starts to leave the kitchen. He gets up from his chair and grabs her arm, pushing her back to the wall behind her. He holds her by her arms on her sides.
"Why are you fighting so hard? What are you scared of?"
"Let go of me!" She struggles.
"Are you afraid the real me won't live up to the one in your fantasies? Would you rather just have that following you all your life?"
She is crying now. The tears streaming down without her permission.
"Let me bring you out of that field, Isabella. Let's go inside and be warm instead." He pleads.
She shakes her head frantically as her tears turn to sobs. "No. I never want to leave that field. It's my home."
She manages to make him release her arms and grabs the back of his neck, pulling him down to her. She presses her lips to his and he squeezes his eyes shut. His face looks like it's in pain. It's agony. It's heaven. He is home.
She grabs his hair and pushes his face further into her when he doesn't react. "Kiss me." She growls.
His arms immediately go around her waist and he pulls her up off the floor, making her face get higher than his, so that she is leaning down and he is looking up into the kiss. She pushes her tongue between his lips, forcing him to open his mouth. The feel of her tongue inside his mouth makes him lose his bearings and he starts spinning both of them around the room, the broken pieces of glass under his feet digging in. But he can't feel anything other than her tongue.
He walks them into the living room, her still suspended in the air above him, and him moving his lips down her neck to her collarbones and the swell of her breasts. He can't just kiss her. He opens his mouth and sucks in as much of her skin as he can get.
She is restless in his arms. She can't hold still. Her entire body quivers. They are frantically kissing and he is disoriented and can't find the direction to the bedroom. His knee bumps against the couch and he tumbles into it backwards, with her on top of him. She releases his lips and raises herself up straddling his thighs, trying to get the sweatshirt off of him. She is frustrated with the zipper.
"Why do you keep wearing my sweatshirts?" She asks in an irritated but breathless voice as she drags it away from him.
"They smell like you." He says in a matter of fact voice. His words drive her insane with need. Need to be closer to him. Need to devour him. She frantically tugs at his t-shirt and his pants.
"Slow down." He mutters in between kisses to her open mouth. She ignores him and paws frantically at his clothes. He puts his hands on her wrists and holds them firmly, moving to place them on top of his heart. He moves his lips away from her mouth and looks at her.
"Slow. Down. I'm not going anywhere." He lets go of one of her wrists and smooths her hair.
She can't. She tries to kiss him again. He abruptly gets up from the couch, with her in his arms and moves them to the bedroom. He sets her down on the edge of the bed and kneels in front of her. He takes her hands and places them on the bed.
"Keep them there." He orders as he pulls off one of her socks. He bends down and kisses her toe. She whimpers. He needs to be closer. He pulls one of her hands from the bed and kisses her palm.
Then he holds her face in his hands and kisses every inch of it, slowly and methodically. Not missing a single sliver of skin anywhere. When he is satisfied he descends to her neck. Her shoulders. He removes any clothing that gets in his way as he kisses every inch of her skin until her toes. It takes him minutes, maybe hours. And she lies on her back and lets him make up for all the time lost. Lets him convince her of his presence. Of his pull and his desire. Of his reverence.
She begs him with her eyes and he complies. He gets off the bed and removes all his clothing. While she lays naked on the bed, looking up at him standing over her, also naked, she lets her tears flow. He is really here.
He lies down beside her and kisses the path of her tears. His apologies are unspoken because she doesn't accept them that way. She accepts when they are delivered through his lips on her skin. He licks away her tears from her face, devouring her sorrows into himself.
When she whimpers, he cannot wait any longer. He covers her body with his and feels her warmth on his tip. He smooths her hair on both sides of her face and looks at her intently. She nods and her tears continue. He keeps licking them, not letting a single drop go to waste as he pushes forward.
Then he gasps and pulls back from her face in astonishment. His eyes are wide and he gives her a shocked look. He cannot believe it. She waited for him, in that way too. All these years. All her teenage years. In college.
She holds his gaze with a serene look on her face. Of course she did. She tucks a strand of hair away from his forehead and runs her hand through his hair lovingly.
His face twists in agony and his forehead slumps on her neck. "I don't deserve this Bella. I didn't wait for you. I didn't have your faith. I hurt you. You are too good. Too pure. Too young. You are an angel, Bella." His voice breaks in a sob.
She pulls his face up so she can look him in the eyes.
"Maybe I am all those things. But I am also yours, regardless."
And with that she pushes her hip upwards, lodging him into herself. He groans in a mixture of pleasure and agony while she whimpers in pain.
He holds still while her eyes are squeezed shut. He kisses her face over and over as he chants "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" hundreds of times. He loses track of what he is sorry for. For leaving her. For hurting her. For her loneliness. For his own suffering. For all the women he has slept with. For all the times they have wasted. For not being younger and for her not being older. For causing her pain right then. For every other time he will hurt her in the future.
After a while she opens her eyes and smiles at him. She is ready. He tries to smile but he is too overcome with emotions. She pushes her hips up again and he groans and drops his head to her chest.
"I'm not the fifteen year old anymore Edward. I am yours. Make me yours." She whispers. And that's what he needed to hear. He doesn't know how she knew but she did.
And he looks up and kisses her as he starts to move inside her. They don't move in synchrony. Sometimes faster, sometimes slower. Their movements are sloppy. Their hands are grasping, mouths searching, eyes unfocused and pupils dilated. But then there is a moment when they look at each other and smile genuinely as they realize that they have shed the shadows of the past and their future is opening up to them. Both of them fall over the edge without warning, each grasping to the other for dear life. And their souls finally meet and reconcile.
A year passes. Edward relocates to Stockholm and takes up a teaching position at the university here. Bella continues medical school. They spend their evenings cooped together on her couch. He sits watching TV or grading papers. She leans with her back against his arm, her head on his shoulder, while she studies from her books. There are times when her attention strays and she places her book on the floor, snatches whatever paper is in his hands and makes love to him.
One day Edward wakes her up in the middle of the night. When she first awakes she immediately smiles at him indulgently. She knows what he wants. What he needs. She starts to pull up her t-shirt but he stops her hands. She notices he is fully dressed and her heart clenches with worry. He kisses her to make her stop worrying and tells her he has a surprise. He puts her fluffly slippers on her feet and wraps her white fur coat around her shoulders that he bought her for her birthday. He has always liked her in white.
He picks her up in his arms and takes her outside. It's the first snow of the year. She shrieks and giggles like the fifteen year old once did. But this time it's not for the same reasons. This time it's because she knows that the beauty of the snow won't be wasted on her.
He picks her up again and places her inside his car. She is confused but he won't tell her where they are going. It's a long drive and it's the middle of the night. She falls asleep on the passenger seat.
He awakes her with kisses over her eyelids and her nose. She looks up at him with sleepy eyes and smiles contentedly. Until she notices the glow of light behind him. She cranes her neck to see what it is.
Within seconds she has jumped out of the car and she is gaping at the sight before her. He comes around the car and wraps his arm around her in a protective cocoon from the cold. From the rest of the world. From any sorrows that might come her way. He makes her stand on his feet so her feet don't get cold.
They stand in front of their field. They can see the warehouse further down. It's still covered in snow. But there is a house standing in the middle of the field. It's a newly built three storey Victorian style house.
The house is white in color. With blue windows and shutters. And a blue door. Yellow lights in the front light it up from underneath.
Edward tightens his grip around Bella as he feels her let out a sob. He kisses her earlobe then whispers.
"You said this was where your home was."
That summer Edward marries Bella in their backyard. It's warm and there is a pleasant breeze that makes the silk of her white gown flutter as well as the loose strands of her hair. Edward reaches out and tucks a strand of her hair away as the priest conducts the ceremony and their families watch. The Scandinavian sun of the summer doesn't set until late in the evening. Edward keeps his arms around his bride the entire evening, afraid that she might get cold in her sleeveless dress. Silly man, Bella thinks. How can I be cold any more. There's only warmth left.