AN. Okay. I realize how seriously awful I am, what with not updating my other fic for nearly 2 months. I got so caught up with school, I'm sorry. Plus, I'm trying to get the momentum back since I stopped writing almost completely. This fic's a warm-up. I'm hoping I can come up with something worth anybody's time real soon. So, I'm sorry. This will kinda suck.
It's reminiscent of my other oneshot, 87 Steps. If you've read it, you might notice this one slightly mirrors the other one in some aspects. =)
In other news... Did anyone else get excited when the latest Private Practice episode mentioned Addison's second name and her Mom's sort of maiden name? Dear god, I was jumping up and down with excitement. This was how I was when I found out Derek's Derek Christopher Shepherd. So, in honor of that small discovery, I mention Addie's second name in this fic. (So, the whole makes her full name Dr. Addison Adrianne [Bradford] Forbes Montgomery- Shepherd [Yes, I still hold out hope for them]. I am beyond amazed.)
Okay. Enough with the babbling. You can go on and read now. Thank you! :D
A feeling of guilt washed through Derek's body. He had slept with Meredith. Tonight. At prom. And he felt like a hypocrite.
After he had condemned his wife of her infidelity, he went ahead and did the same thing to her. While they were supposed to be trying. While he was supposed to be trying. He knew now, he was being immature. But beyond immature, he was being selfish, and hurting the woman who loved him the most.
He felt like an ass, leading her on like that, hurting her the way he did. He gave her a chance, told her he was trying. But he never stopped longing for Meredith, never stopped throwing the affair in her face, never stopped ignoring her or noticing her only when convenient. He didn't try at all, only pushed her farther away from him.
He came to prom with his wife, half-heartedly at that. He tried to dance with her, but really he was dancing with Meredith. And then he lied to her and told her he had a post-op to check on. He then proceeded to fuck Meredith Grey in an empty exam room.
But he didn't know what happened. All of a sudden everything was clear to him; nothing was falling into place. As Meredith continued on with the lovemaking, he started to realize that there was no reason for him to be doing this; to be making love to other women other than his wife. He suddenly felt like he had no right to be called Addison Shepherd's husband. Because he cheated on her to get back at her. And that was the lowest thing a man could ever do.
But tonight, things were going to change. He no longer felt vindictive. He no longer felt the need to hurt Addison, to hurt her like she had hurt him. He didn't know what caused his change of heart, but after the rendezvous with Meredith in an empty exam room, he realized how wrong everything was. All of a sudden, he wasn't numb anymore. In fact, he felt every pain he had ever inflicted on Addison in the span of 4 short months.
Addie's affair with Mark. Wrong.
Derek throwing her out in the cold. Wrong.
Derek moving to Seattle. Wrong.
Addie staying with Mark. Wrong.
Derek having an affair with Meredith. Wrong.
As far as he was concerned, the only thing right was Addison doing her best to fight for their marriage, Addison working double time to keep them together. All the rest, everything he'd been doing, was absolutely wrong. And he had to start making it right.
He walked out of the exam room, counting the steps he took to reach the make shift dance floor. He felt like an ass. He cheated on his wife while she was but a mere few feet away from him. What kind of husband did that? A man who didn't love his wife. But he knew. He knew he loved Addison. He knew, at the bottom of his heart, he loved Addison. Regardless of what they've been through. He loved her. Loves her. Will always love her. He was blinded by the rage he felt, by the immaturity that was so easy to imbibe. And in the process, he turned into a man he was ashamed of.
He took slow steps, his eyes searching for her red hair, her red dress. He didn't even complement her on how beautiful she was in the dress he knew she spent hours deciding on. She must have felt unappreciated. He invited her to prom, but he wasn't there with her. She had asked him dance, but he had his eyes on someone else. She had asked him for a decent chance, one he knew she deserved, and he agreed, but it was to spite her.
He straightened his back. He wasn't going to make any more mistakes. He would admit his infidelity. He was going to beg for her forgiveness. He was going to spend the rest of his life beside her, if she would have him. Because even he knew that Addison deserved better than what he was giving her.
His eyes landed on her at the punch table, no doubt wishing there was more alcohol in it. She was alone. He had left her alone. He sighed, thinking about how much he'd screwed up. He felt ashamed, like he had no right to even touch her, to see her. But if he had to beg and grovel, he would. Because she was worth it. Because she deserved it. Because he would do anything to have her. He took a deep breath before walking over to her, smiling cautiously as she met his eyes.
"Hey."
"Hey, Derek. How was your patient?" The question was innocent. She may have had her doubts, but she wanted to believe that Derek would not hurt her. After all, he asked her. It was probably naïve, but she had to hold on to every bit of hope she could scavenge.
"About that Adds…." He met her gaze, searching for any sort of reassurance. But just as quickly, he averted his eyes and shifted his gaze to the ground. "We should talk." The shame was overwhelming.
Those three words sent Addison on edge. Something happened and she knew it. She wasn't born yesterday. But she couldn't be weak now. She held back the tears as she nodded swiftly. "I'll just get my things," she whispered, taking his 3 words as a cue to leave. With that, she hurriedly walked off, into the relative safety of the locker room.
She knew. She had a feeling when he noticed Finn alone, too. But she refused to believe it. She just wanted to hope. She tried to steady herself as she breathed in and out. This was how Derek felt like when she cheated. And she knew she had no right to, but she was angry. Angry and hurt.
She sighed as she gathered her things. Derek no doubt had had enough of her. He would ask her to leave tonight, she was sure of it. Because he loved Meredith. Not her. She closed her eyes, willing the tears not to fall. This was the end. She couldn't believe it. Her efforts were futile. But she couldn't consider them wasted. She fought a good fight, but she knew when to give up.
But still, she hoped. She hoped that maybe, that wasn't the case. Maybe, he really did have a patient and would tell her about it. Maybe she was being paranoid and unfair. She had to hear it from him first before anything. She just had to hear it.
She paused from her gathering and rested her hand on the locker, closing her eyes and willing her tears not to fall for the nth time. She took a moment to take deep breaths and calm herself down before gathering the courage and face Derek again.
Exiting the elevator, she saw Derek standing; his back slouched, seemingly lost in thought. He had been thinking of how he would say it, how he would put up a good case. He needed her to believe him, because he knew he couldn't live without her. But in the end, if she decided she was worth more, he would respect her, because he wanted her to be happy.
She walked over to him, standing an elbow's length from him. "I'm ready.", she whispered. Whether it was her being ready to leave the hospital to go home or ready to leave him and start a new life, she wasn't sure. But she was ready. For anything.
He looked up at her, the fear mirrored in his eyes. "Let's go." He offered her his arm, and she took it hesitantly. And in that moment, all hope wasn't lost.
The drive back to the trailer was filled with uncomfortable silence. Neither one of them knew what to say. It was like they weren't even married, like they didn't spend the past 15 years of their lives together. They were so close to each other physically, but their hearts, their thoughts, were miles away. They weren't the same anymore.
Upon reaching the trailer, Addison swiftly exited the car and walked inside the tin can, setting her things on the small counter while removing her heels.
Derek walked in a few seconds later, his heart thumping in his chest. He carefully removed his shoes as he watched Addison settle on the bed, sitting down and staring intently at him, her eyes expectant. He started to pace, his palms sweating heavily.
"Just say it, Derek," she said quietly, almost pleadingly as she cast her eyes to the floor.
He looked up at her with a pained expression. Pausing for a moment, he took in a deep breath and spoke. "I slept with Meredith tonight." He blurted it out, not knowing any other way to say it. He figured it would hurt her regardless of the way he delivered it and he just basically ripped the band-aid off. There were beating drums in his ears, awaiting her reaction. He had a feeling she already knew.
Addison looked at him sadly; the words not hurting less after hearing Derek confirm her suspicions. He had never seen that much hurt in her eyes. The tears were brimming at the corners of her emeralds as she tried to say something coherent. She knew something like this happened. She knew in her heart. But she refused to believe it, hoping it was all wrong. But hearing him say those words made her heart ache so much that she wanted to slap Derek in the face and tell him she was done.
"I slept with her and I… I'm sorry," he continued, casting his eyes to the floor. "I have no right to be called your husband, Addie. No right at all."
She nodded cautiously. She closed her eyes to stop the tears from falling all together, trying to preserve whatever dignity she had left after being subjected to Seattle Grace's circus. He had cheated, after punishing her severely, and she didn't think she deserved any more. There was a moment of silence before she decided to speak again, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "Well, I better get my bags packed, then." She moved to stand up. There was nothing left to be said. After all, he wouldn't care. He wouldn't care that she was angry, or hurt. He wouldn't care that in that moment, all she wanted to do was to be weak and slit her wrists and kill herself.
Derek's eyes shot up, and he walked over to where she was, placing a restraining yet gentle hand from her shoulder to prevent her from standing up. She looked at him, confused, as he begged with his eyes. He guided her back to a sitting position as he slowly knelt in front of her, his head bowed. He needed her to believe what he was going to say next.
"Don't go Addison. Please."
Addison had to do a double take. She was taken aback by his words, caught off guard. Was she hearing him correctly? "What?"
"I said don't go," he said again, louder but with so much passion. He gazed into her eyes so she could see just how sincere he was. "Please don't leave me."
"You want me to… stay? You want me to… I can't believe this," she said incredulously, her mind finally comprehending and allowing her to react accordingly. "You want me to be some kind of martyr and stay and watch you pine for that intern?" Her voice rose. "How cruel can you be, Derek? Is it not enough that I got payback tonight? Is it not enough that you humiliated me in front of the whole hospital for the past months? Isn't it? Do I still deserve to be punished, Derek? Tell me! Because I have no idea what more you want me to do to prove to you that I'm sorry." Her eyes were flaming.
"No! I… I don't want to punish you, Addison. I don't!"
"Then what is it, Derek? Tell me why I'm supposed to stay here to watch you and your slutty intern make-out at the hospital. I can't believe your fucking audacity! What am I to you? My god, I have no idea who you've turned into any more. You're not… you're not Derek. As it is, everyone thinks I'm a glutton for punishment, blind or…. Passive. And I just can't take that anymore. I am Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. I do not settle for second best," she huffed angrily, worked up by Derek's unbelievable request.
He looked at her pleadingly. "I know you don't settle for second best, Addison. God. Which is why I am asking you to stay. Because you won't be second best anymore! You won't be second best!"
She was taken aback by Derek's raised tone, her eyes slightly popping open as she stared disbelievingly at him. "What are you saying?" she whispered, looking into his solemn eyes and trying hard to read them.
"I'm saying that I ended things with Meredith tonight. And I want to start over. And I mean really start over. No more pseudo trying, no more dirty mistresses. I just… want another chance with you," he answered quietly. He knew how his request sounded. He knew it would bring on the gates of hell. After what he had done, even he wouldn't give himself another chance. But he had to ask. He couldn't spend the rest of his life wondering what if. He wanted to ask her, even if it meant earning him a hard slap on the cheek or good kick between his legs.
She looked absolutely stunned. She wasn't expecting him to say that. At all. "I… don't know what to say.", she said honestly. "…. Haven't I given you enough chances, Derek? Aren't you tired of trying?" She sighed. "Because I sure am and… I don't want to keep playing this game with you. I want to be able to finally move on with my life."
"You've given me too many chances than I deserve," he answered truthfully. "But I was hoping… that you'd find it in your heart to give me another chance. A chance I promise I won't screw up. Please, you have to know how sorry I am. You have to know," he pleaded. "You know me, Addison. You know me inside out and you can see it in my eyes. I'm sorry." He was desperate now, holding on the to the fraying thread of hope that Addison had held on to the past months, only this time, she had let go.
She shook her head, finally unable to keep her tears from falling. "I don't know you anymore, Derek. You… you've changed. I look at you now and you're not the same. You're not my Derek," she admitted, mentally cursing herself for showing this much weakness.
His heart fell. Never before had he seen her look so hopeless. "Then you're not looking hard enough," he whispered, his own tears now falling freely from his eyes. He rested his hands on her cheeks, turning her head so she'd meet his gaze. His expression was reminiscent of Addie's expression that fateful night in New York, and his heart wrenched in pain. He finally knew how it felt to be in her shoes. The desperation was an unwelcome experience.
Addison whimpered softly, closing her eyes so she wouldn't have to see his pained expression. Both her hands rested on his wrists, holding on to them forcefully as she tried to find it in herself to resist him.
"Please, Addie," he sobbed. "For us. I know… I know you don't trust me anymore. I know I haven't exactly given you reason to. But this is us we're talking about. This is our marriage."
"You didn't exactly think of that when you walked away from us in New York," she said bitterly, sniffing. "I'm sorry, Derek," she said, pulling his hands away from her face and forcing her way to stand up. And when he too had done the same and their eyes met, she shook her head and walked to her makeshift closet, pulling out the divorce papers she had kept.
"Addie…" his thoughts were getting more frantic by the second as he eyed the divorce papers she had in her hands.
"I can't do this anymore. This isn't how I imagined my life to be. I love you. Dear god, I do. But I can't take another leap with you. I can't get hurt again."
He strode to where she was standing and grabbed the divorce papers forcefully from her. "I'm not going to hurt you again! Don't you see, Addison? I love you too! All I'm asking is that you give me the chance that I gave you. Now, I know I didn't give you a fair one. But please. I can't… I can't live without you," he sobbed, harder than he ever had in his entire life. He was at the verge of screaming, of burying himself in a corner that he knew that if she left tonight, he would never be consolable.
She shook her head resolutely, her tears now falling faster, harder than she had imagined they could. "Derek.."
"Please, Addison. Please," he begged, letting the divorce paper go and throwing his arms tightly around Addison, not wanting to ever let her go. He wasn't this kind of man. He wasn't the kind of man to throw himself at anyone's feet. In retrospect, he knew he was out of it. But love did that to you. Love, and desperation.
They remained that way for a good moment before Addison pulled away slightly, staring straight into his red, puffy eyes. "And if we hurt each other again?"
"Then we promise each other we're not going to walk away."
His breath was held as he watched Addison debate the situation in her head, seeing a gamut of emotions pass through her expression and scaring him to death. It felt like an eternity. He swore he almost had a heart attack just waiting for her to say something. She was the love of his life, whether or not they both acted on that fact.
Her green eyes were weary, but the hope was starting to return. She was fearful, but she wanted to trust him. It was all she'd ever wanted, everything she had prayed for the whole time she was in Seattle. And now that he was at her mercy, would she resist and give up that chance to be with him again?
"Will you really promise not to walk away?" she whispered, her voice childlike and wanting nothing more than assurance. "Please… don't promise things you know you can't keep," she begged.
He thought about it for a moment, knowing that if he did not keep his promise, he would break her irreversibly. But he knew. He knew he would keep his promise. He knew that he was resolute in changing, and that he would do anything just to be with her. Slowly, he nodded his head resolutely, firmly, convincingly. "I promise," he said quietly, and stared deep into her eyes.
Another agonizing minute passed before she nodded, pulling away shakily and picking the divorce papers up. She looked at them, stared at the blank lines at the bottom of each page and nodded her head, as if trying to convince herself that what she was going to do was the right thing, that taking another plunge with Derek was for the best. Slowly, she tore the papers into small pieces, shredding it as if she was replacing that fraying thread of hope with something stronger, more powerful and more consuming. She then proceeded to throw the shreds into the trash bin, watching as the small pieces landed in slow motion into the depths of their past. This was it.
He looked at her in awe, marvelling at the power of her forgiveness, of her trust in him. He had proven, in that moment, just how much she loved him, and he was overwhelmed. Having someone like Addison Montgomery love him was something surreal beyond words.
She merely shrugged at his slightly questioning gaze. "The divorce papers were much easier to throw into the garbage than the love of my life," she explained matter-of-factly, allowing a small smile to creep into her features, as she dried away the last of her tears whislt sniffing. "I couldn't do that even if you asked me to."
Derek's grin, and the relief that filled his body, nearly floored him. There were no words to describe just how grateful he was that she was choosing to risk everything she believed in just to give him another chance. In a heartbeat, he rushed over the where she was and picked her up, throwing his arms around her and hugging her for all it was worth, allowing tears of joy to fall down his cheeks. He held on to her lovingly, silently vowing that no matter what happened, nothing in the world could ever come between him and his love for his wife.
"You better not screw up this time," she managed, before being consumed by the overwhelming assurance that Derek's embrace was giving her. And she knew, in her heart, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this time, they would make it. Because they were Derek and Addison, and they didn't quit.
Tell me what you think? I know. It needs a lot of work. My wording is a bit off. Forgive me. This is what happens when you're out of inspiration. But I'm getting it back slowly, right? Maybe I get to write something better by the end of this week and update At the Right Time. Who knows, right? Anyway, I hope you liked it anyway. Thanks for reading!
Oh. And I'm still reeling. Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery. ROCKS!