Gone

the cobwebs scared me the first time I crawled into the hiding door in the floor underneath that special dark carpet in the big house I could never call mine and it smelled like suffocation and the darkness almost chased me out but for once I went against it and there were so many boxes everywhere and I could nearly hear the spells buzzing around them and I ripped through them and I was proud I could do that when I was only eleven and in one there was a black book black as night black as the best color and I opened it and it was empty and it scared me because I thought it might have been showing me my inside but then I found a pen and I scratched out my misery on the paper and then suddenly I wasn't where I thought I was and I was confused because it was summer and why was I at school and there you were and I didn't know at first but then I did because of father always because of father and I understood finally who I was and what I was for and then you kissed me and then we meshed and even when you told me you were just a memory I didn't believe you you were so real and for the first time in my life I really smiled but of course I always had to leave but then I came back every day when I could because you know I couldn't all the time because there was a mean world outside that somehow wanted me but you needed me and so I came back and then a girl had you but I followed her and whenever I could I came into the world that needed me but then she took you deep down and I had a nightmare about blood and fangs and then I couldn't find you anymore and father wouldn't tell me and no one would tell me I think he knew but I didn't care and I thought I would find you and you would come back again like you did before but you've been gone for so long so many years missing and I don't know where you went and I needed and I didn't know how to fix it anymore and I got desperate I'm so sorry but he looked so much like you and it was like us but with green eyes instead of black and tears instead of moans and pain instead of pleasure and the nails scratching weren't out of desperation no of course not and I could close my own eyes and pretend it was you just playing not really struggling no not really because you would never try to get away because you love me and I love you and you should be here because I'm all alone again and the sheets were cold when I woke up your fingers were always cold but your lips so warm and you would understand only you could and god sometimes I can't take it and I just wish you were here again.