A Drink Too Far
Starring the Amazing Spider-Man!
***With Zaphod Beeblebrox, man from space!***
Zaphod was cruising the galaxy in his swertet sleek, black spce shit. It was all red and shiny, tearing through endless space at 10 millions mile and hour. Zaphod was the coolest cat in the nebula, a hip dude all the sweet alien vaginas wanted some pieces of. He was even to be the president of the universe, but he say
"Aw I'm drunk bitches" and steal a spaceship from the king of space. Now he is cruising around hollering at random space chicks and playing with his huge double dongs. Zaphod is too drunk to be doing this however and he crashed into Earth.
"Oh shit, I'm gonna crash and stuff" he yelled preparing the emergnyc espace robot for his to get out. It was a big robot, shining metallic offspring of awesome Godless science and alloyed steel. Zaphod was about and clmed up to its asshold port which too was the entrance.
"This won't be fun for either of us baby" quipped Zaphod
The robot was silent as it had no need of a mouth or it's to need feeling about It's tight virginal escape hole. Zaphod roughly jammed his arm into the robot as it expressed its pain by waving hims arms around.
"Ow Zaphd sure is cool" thought the robot
Zsphod climed inside the robot after appling boozed around the inside for lube. He slipped in and collapsed into a drunken heap, where he lay while the ship crashed.
Meanwhile on eathr…..
Spider-Man has just saved a bus full of orphans from the treacherous doc oc!
"Oh thank you Spider-man, this is fucking cool" yelled the chicreldn. " Yeah, Fuck you doc ocpussy, try to fail me and shit!" screamed an irate Spider-man as he punched the doctor yet again. "I am so tired you of your stuped plans doctor bowl-cut pussy whatever!" SPdier-man had clearly snapped and the children were cheering him on! Doctor Octopus was laying upon a bed of jagged broiked steel, his face mangled beyond mortal description. It looked like flayed bacon dipped in old yogurt and creamed corn and stuff. Spideer man laughed at his broken foe. "you'll never molest orphans again, fuck you" said spider-man.
Spider-man was about the deliver the killing blow when from the ksy came a terrible sound. IT split the air and blackened the sky for all miles. "spider-man what is whtahat "yells the orphan kids.
Spider-Man already knew what was coming because of his magic spider senses were gibing him special feeling. His were masculine needs, those of a warrior and he acted without questions. Leaping high into the air with all is strenghs, he blasted his thick stream of web all over a nearby bilding. Then he propelled himself skyward holding his web goo in hand and pulling with spider strength.
"Yeah! I'ma fucking hero!" screamed the deranged web-slinger
Spider-man shot a big net all over out of web and caught most of the space shit parts. Some were falling to the street and even killed a baby maybe. Spinder-man was not hapy. Screaming he jumped onto the largersty part of the hull and battered the side open. His fists were already bloody with doc oc's blood but alos some of hi s own and they were mangled badly now. "Nooo, why has this happened today, and it was my birthday too!" Spider-man looked in the ship but hit was empty. It was wrecked, empty bottles were littering every place and condom wrappers like wall paper. "Some sick space fuck had an orgy in here" thought the wall-crawler. He was secretly turned on by such hedonism, as his life of secluded scholarly study left little time to such frivolities. He massaged his spider-wang, thinking of all those empty wrappers, the girls in spade are not cold bitches like Mary Jane, he thought. He took pictures for his job and left finding not further clues.
Zaphod was passed out inside the escpae robot, which was flying around over the city. It was good for him his second head was awake and wanted to see what had happened.
"wake up asshole" he said to himself, "You drank everything we didn't use for lubing the bot"
Zaphod didn't wake up though and it was left to the ships auto pilot. This the robot's brain was now emotionally shattered and piloted itself for a nearby river.
"I only wanted to be loved" thought the robot
Spider-man was Peter Parker on his ways to work at the Bugle. He looked at the pictures he had taken on the way, as emergyny vehicles roared to the accident scene. No one had died by the shit parts but theys easy could have. He freflected on the alien technology and was a bit worried about his broken hands, bearly holding the photls without spider sticky hand power.
"Jonah will shit can me for sure this time, fuck him" thought pete
A woman nearby scrammed "what is that a robot, oh my God what next, shit" Spider man looked and it was a robot in the sky flying with rockets from it's feet. It's too high fur my web slinging, but maybe if I ca get the right help, thought Spiderman.
HE went downtown with webbing to the fantastic 4 building and climbed the side. At the very top he looked in the window and saw Ben Grimm. Spidey was happy but then he saw the Thing was naked and that is never good. His eyes hurt bad and he nearly yelled' Cut that shit out, we got a job to do", but remembered he, the Thing, was a sensitive shithead for a guy made of rocks. Thing was in there slamming his deformed granite pecker in the door frame, he had clearly broken that door Spiderman saw. Disgusted and without hope Spider-man went to try and find the robot again on his own.
"I should have put a tracer on it, getting slippy spidey" he thought
Zaphod was starting to wake up his other head by means of vicious headbutting. They had violated the robots hole badly enough that he could see they were approaching the water through it.
"Zowwowee, what gives baby, why the untender face love?"
Zaphod saw the impending danger and pulled himself together. Springing into action, he pulled an emergency Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from his special drink pocket and drank it. Safely enshrouded from danger he went back to sleep.
Spider-Man was web slinging to the hospital where they had taken Doc oc. Looking on at hims through the window, he had remorse for what he'd done.
"I should have hit him with a rock, argh my hands" thought spiderman. "Now to finish the job"
Spider-Man smashed the window with a small rock he had picked up in the park. He still cut himself on the broken glass when he climbed in and it fuled his dark rage. Doc oc was out cold, a few quick blows and it would be over. It will be so easy. So easy…. A nurse suddenly appeared, uttering a piercing shrek!
"Curse you for foiling my revenge!" yelled SPideramn. He dropped the rock and fled in terror of the nurses judging eyes. "Go to focus Spidy, got to find that robot from space" he told himself. Enraged by his impotence, spider-man scoured the city. His web cartridges were almost depleted though, and making more was a time consuming business. Yes the secret ingredient in his amazing web fluid was his own man fluid andn it had served him well in the figth against injustice. He couldn't make more now at any rate, so he asked around. Turns out lots of people had seen the giant flying robot heading towards the Hudson. Spider-Man sighed and boarded an uptown bus. He ignored the stares of the ignorant non-spider folk. They were just jealous of him and his awesome muscles. There was a sexy lady checking him out, but he was all like, whatever. I'm busy being Spider-man. He got off the bus to find a crowd gawking at something.
"Out of my way people, Spiderman here to fight robots!" yelled spiderman. He barged through them and saw a guy with two heads sitting on the robot which afloat in riber. "Two-heads, my old foe, how did you escape?" said spidey
"I don't think I've ever met you" said one head
"even I'd remember that cat. Hey I dig the outfit" said the other
"Don't play dumb with me two heads, you're in thi with Doc oc and the others aren't you?"
"That's not- my name is Zaphod, aw to hell with these primatives" Zaphod drew a death laser from his special laser pocket and blasted away. His aim thou drunk was assisted by the guns advanced desire to kill programming and murdered all the non-spider-man types in the vicinity. Of course Spider-Man knew this would happen and took cover behind an old lady at the last moment. For the greater good, he told himself.
"Cut that out, you shit you killed them why? !" Spider-man is enraged at the carnage yelling. Zaphod has tired of shooting as Spider-man can dodge all his admitaly limited effrts at balsting him.
"I'm sorry, I'm just going through some heavy stuff right now" said Zaphod
"Well fuck dude" said Spider-Man "Me too"
The End
Or is it?
Authors note:
Notes are for pussies and so is spell cherk and proofed raiding. This story was written by M.J. Kromes and if you've already read it then you've got to pay me money somehow. Good night everybody!