A/N - This is something that popped into my head as I was sobbing over all of my Klaine feels, and so I had to get it out. It's purely my interpretation of what happened (and as I've not even seen any of season 4 (grr), I've had to go off what I've heard).
Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, it would be called either Blee, or The Klaine Show.
Enjoy :)
Blaine,
I know you think I hate you. A part of me does, you know. But that part is the selfish bit of me that you managed to shrink into almost non-existence – just by being my friend. I can't lie and tell you that I'm not hurt and angry, but I don't really blame you. After all, I wasn't exactly being a good boyfriend – and it's not like I never had any wobbles (aka Chandler), but what you did…I want with all my heart to just forgive you and forget about it, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. So…I'm trying, Blaine, I really am, and it might take me a while, but one day we'll fix this, we have to. We're Kurt and Blaine. No, we're KurtandBlaine. It's one word; we're one thing, one heart.
For these past few days, all I've wanted to do is call you, or text you, or jump on a plane and see you and hug you and tell you that I love you and that everything will be okay again soon. But something stops me. And I don't know what it is, whether it's the rational part of me, or the selfish part that still holds resentment for you, but I can't seem to do any of those things, no matter how much I want to. So I wrote this instead of calling you, or texting you, or professing my love to you.
It did cross my mind that you might think that I moved on – or plan to – but that is not the case. At all. I love you with all my heart, Blaine, and that will never change – like, ever (I hope that little T-Swizzle reference made you smile) – but the truth is, now that all of this happened, I am a little scared. I'm sure you can understand what it's like, not being sure whether or not you can trust someone. And that feeling is a thousand times worse when it's somebody you care deeply about.
So what I think I'm trying to say, is the reason that I can't quite move on from this is that I don't think I could say hello to you and risk another goodbye, because, to be quite honest, that would kill me. And I bet that never, ever occurred to you. Did you ever think that I might be scared of falling in love with you all over again, only to have it ripped apart?
I wish I could go back and do and say all the things I should have but didn't. And I wish I could undo everything that hurt you, because that hurts me even more. And I can see the pain in your eyes, even though you're a million miles away, I can see it, and just the thought of that kills me. So I guess I'm also scared that if I saw you I'd crumble and lose the wall I've started to build up around myself to stop myself from falling apart. At the moment it feels like my defences are made of porcelain, so perhaps after all these years, Sue Sylvester was right. Now that was a sentence I never thought I'd say! Not that I ever thought I'd even be writing this email…
Blaine Devon Anderson, just…hang in there, and I promise one day you'll have a real Elizabeth Taylor ring to put on my finger, and I swear I will never, ever take it off. Like, ever ;)
All my love,
Kurt
Message deleted at 03:05 on 10/8/12