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Author's
Notes: Weirdly, this fic hit me when I was watching Yami no Matsuei.
I was watching the King of Swords arc, and Hisoka was talking to Tsubake-hime.
Tsubake-hime said Muraki had been like an angel to her. Hisoka, hating
Muraki beyond all words, said, "If he was an angel, then his name
was destruction." I stopped, blinked, and said, "Wait, did he
say what I thnk he did?" and rewinded. It sounded to me like he had
said "to iu hakkai." I rewinded, and yeah. That's what it sounded
like. I launched myself at my Japanese dictionary and looked up "hakkai"
and nada. Then looked up "hakai" and there it was. The way the
seiyuu playing Hisoka had said it, with the inflection she gave it, it
sounded like a doubled "k". I blinked, and went, "There
was no way Hakkai didn't know that when he chose his new name."
Add to that the Nickelback song "How You Remind Me" which my
roomate and I decided was the official Hakkai "Kanan, I hate you
for what you did to me" song--"I said I love you and I swear
I still do/But it must have been so hard/Living with me must have damned
near killed you/And this is how you remind me of what I really am/It's
not like you to sorry/I was waiting on a differnt story/This time I'm
mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking/I've been wrong, I've
been down to the bottom of every bottle/And these five words in my head
scream/Are we having fun yet"
(Oh, yeah, and one of the ways to say "eight times" in Japanese
is "hakkai.")
Hakai.
Hakkai.
What a difference a character makes.
I didn't choose that name without knowing. I am a sinner; my hands are
stained with blood. I bathed in the blood of a thousand demons, and became
one myself. When I began a new life, I chose one that was closer to the
truth than Gonou had been.
You don't get any closer than "destruction."
Everyone is careful to give that tiny pause when they say my name. I'm
not. I'm honest, after all.
Hakkai, hakai, hakai, Hakkai. Say it eight times fast. Ha ha, just a little
joke. Hakkai, eight times. One more play on my name, I suppose...
Kanan...I loved you so much, did you know that?
Did you care? I had to become a murderer...I did it for you, and what
did you do? You killed yourself. I didn't care, Kanan. I didn't care what
they had done to you. I didn't. I only wanted you back. I only wanted
you. I only wanted to sink back into that peaceful life we had, together.
I would have...I did do everything for that life, to have it back...and
you just took it away from me, Kanan. You just took it away when you took
my knife and slit your throat in front of me.
My God, Kanan...I killed for you. I killed two demon clans, and you...I
have to live with that for the rest of my life, but you couldn't live
with what had happened.
Oh, God, I'm sorry. How can I say that? I don't know how you suffered...I
don't know how many of them...I don't know...how can I blame you? How
can I...Kanan...
I wanted to die. I wanted so very much to die. But he saved me. Gojyo.
I saw him, and all I could do, before everything went black, was smile.
Because his hair...and his eyes...they were red, Kanan. Red like the blood
on my hands. Even before I died, I couldn't be allowed to forget.
But I didn't die, Kanan. I'm still alive. My lungs still breath, my heart
still beats, my eyes still...well...my ears still chaff from the demonic
power inhibitors I have to wear for the rest of my life, Kanan. I have
to live with that, with becoming what I hated the most...couldn't you
have lived with what they had done to you, too?
Gojyo's staring at his hair again. It's growing out. When he thought I
had died, he cut it all off. He's trying to decide what to do with it
now. I hope he grows it out. It reminds me, Kanan. It reminds me of blood.
It reminds me of you.
I chose to live, Kanan. I chose to live, even if I have to do it without
you. But I won't forget what I am. I won't forget what I've done. I'll
remember every time I hear my name.
Hakkai.
Hakai.
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