Steven Moffat had just finished writing a new Doctor Who episode. He had named it 'The Girl in the Fireplace', and was leaning back in his chair, extremely pleased with himself.
"I mean, who doesn't like a perfect girl who captures the hearts of the Doctor, is being chased because the robots think she's perfect, and finds out about his past and is sympathetic?" he mused happily. "The fans will love this one. Even the shippers. They'll have a new person to ship the Doctor with, and they might even give up shipping Rose!"
Intolerably smug, he prepared to send the manuscript across to the filmers.
"Maybe we can cast Sophia Myles as Reinette?" he asked himself, and added a note to the script.
"Freeze," yelled somebody, and suddenly he was being pressed into his chair, held in place by plastic ties.
"Put down the mouse," the person continued. "and back away from the keyboard." A group of small teenage girls pushed Steven back a couple of meters, glaring at him as they did so. One girl, with black cropped hair actually snarled at him. The main girl, who had ordered him to back away in the first place, fixed him with an icy glare.
"You are Steven Moffat, Doctor Who script writer, creator of the episode," she sniffed, "the Girl in the Fireplace?"
He nodded mutely to the girl, who grinned savagely.
"You have been charged of writing a canon Mary Sue," she proclaimed. "and inhibiting the progress of Rose and the Doctor's relationship."
The rest of the teenagers made noises of agreement, and one yelled "Kill the television producer!"
"There's no need to go that far," he began.
"SILENCE!" yelled the lead girl. "You will face the ultimate punishment that our organization can bestow..."
The girls all whipped out various sheets of paper.
"...bad fanfiction!"
The girls all crowded around the man, each preparing their sheets and clearing their throats. Their leader smiled darkly down at Steven, and motioned for the torture to begin. Simultaneously, all of the girls began reading from their sheets in a loud whisper. He caught snatches of truly horrible spelling and grammar as their voices began to rise. The leader cleared her throat, and started to read out what he recognised as 'My Immortal'.
"...I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears..."
"...'cuz the Doctor is sooo hot an I just wanna..."
"...lyk, omg, grt wrk, rose..."
He began to scream at the horrifying words, as the girls continued, paying him no heed. Their voices reached a crescendo, and they began to speak, in a perfectly synchronised whisper, the final words to My Immortal.
"I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. "ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted!"
He screamed once more, and the girls retreated in satisfaction.
"Team Whovian Slayers 2, out!" the leader yelled. The girls formed into a triangle with the brunette on point, as they prepared to leave. Steven twitched on the ground, gazing up at the horror of adolescence that nature had produced.
"Who... who... who are you?" he managed to croak out.
The lead girl arched an eyebrow. "You really want to know?"
He nodded shakily, and she suddenly grinned. "Hit it, girls!"
They gathered around her, and began to sing. "Oooohh..."
The leader spoke over them. "We are Australia's attack group, the best,
We're very proud of our high service response, yes,
Excellence in service since 2002,
Don't believe what our clients say to you,"
The group of girls stood up, and began to sing in harmony, while a blonde took the lead part.
"We're the fangirls,
The perfect defendè,
Say hello to the fangirls,
You'll see us anyway,
We're the perfect epitome,
Of fandom dignity,
So please get out of our way..."
She smiled, and slipped back into the group, where the snarling girl from before took her place.
"When we enter the fandoms, the Sue defence is minimal,
What they're doing to the characters is criminal,
So we dash in there, pull out our knife, and tell them 'take a stool',
Just sit back, relax, while we show you just how cruel..."
The rest of the fangirls began to sing along now.
"...we are in the fangirls,
We're not alone,
Life ain't bad with the fangirls,
No, Stevie, no."
A petite Japanese girl started to sing.
"We've been doing this for two,
Or maybe three years,
We're perfectly at home..."
The leader stepped in front again.
"Our training is far superior,
Than in France, the UK, or Siberia,
We always know what the fandoms need,
We clean them, no mess guaranteed."
A younger girl with a slightly demonic look, stepped in front.
"When the fangirls come, you will not survive,
When they arrive, run for your life!"
The others yanked her back and gave her a disapproving stare, and they all began to sing together, a cappela.
"'Cause we're the fangirls,
The perfect defendè,
Say hello to the fangirls,
You'll see us anyway..."
The leader yanked the printed out copy of The Girl in the Fireplace out of Steven's hands, and continued on on her own.
"I'll take this script for me,
And now we must away."
The rest of the girls regrouped in their triangle formation. The brunette operated a device that looked slightly like a sonic screwdriver, and a portal of some sort appeared in the centre of the room. It was, for some reason, hot pink. The girls leapt through, in a synchronised manner, leaving Steven Moffat staring in disbelief. There was a very long, awkward silence. Then...
The portal popped open again, and the brunette poked her head through.
"Read TheBigCat's amazing fanfiction, 'Into the Vortex'," she hissed, and she disappeared again.
Steven decided to not mention this incident to anyone else, and he proceeded to quickly send the script for The Girl in the Fireplace to his superiors.
Even if Reinette was a Mary Sue. Whatever that was.
(A/N
Just a bit of fun.
The song's 'The Big House' from Muppets Most Wanted.
I stoles bits of My Immortal, the infamous badfic.
Lotsa Love,
Kitty)