Chapter 1: Generic Cryptic Title
By: Deeth Irteen
Disclaimer: I, Deeth Irteen, do own Spyro, Cynder, The Temple, and every other character and place that belongs to the Spyro franchise. They're mine! All mine! MINE MINE MINE! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Several of my OTHER characters are featured in this chapter, their names are listed below.
It was another boring as fuck day at the Temple. Lyrith didn't have much to do today, so he felt like taking a walk through the building. Most of the time he didn't have much of a problem. Although, it probably would've been easier if the Temple wasn't built like a Labyrinth. Seriously, would it have been too much to ask for the building to be symmetrical? If several "You are here" signs are required to keep people from getting lost forever and dieing of starvation, you've got a problem.
In any case, Lyrith wandered through the hallways, careful not to get lost in the maze that is the Temple. As the Albino trotted along, he passed by a bunch of other young dragons. Quite a bit of them took the time to make several obscene gestures towards him. So, Lyrith did the same thing to them. Most of the time, the offending dragons would just harrumph and continue on their way. However, there was the occasion where one asshole would get up in the Albino's grill.
"You little White-hided bastard!" A chubby Earth dragon shouted. "You think you have the right to defend yourself?"
"Oh, fuck off." Lyrith snapped, flipping the middle-talon..
After this, the brown-hided asshole started stomping over to Lyrith, clearly ready to start some trouble. Luckily, our White-hided hero knew the perfect strategy to escape from this unnecessary confrontation…
"Hey, what's that?" Lyrith asked, pointing to something on the other side of the hallway.
"Huh?" The Earth dragon asked, looking in the direction the Albino was pointing in. He didn't see anything out of the ordinary. He turned to look back at Lyrith
"I didn't see any-!" The Earth dragon gasped.
Lyrith was now about fifty yards down the hall.
"Damnit!"
Torch, Thunder, Wintra and Voltyn were standing around in one of Temple's million-and-one hallways. It should so happen that this particular hallway was one that Lyrith had been going through on a regular basis, using it as a shortcut to avoid getting lost. Torch was placing a bowl of Jam on the floor, Thunder and Wintra were watching him, and Voltyn was staring down at the floor, as is usual for her. A bucket of Tar and a bucket of feathers were a few feet away.
"So, what are we doing here again?" Thunder asked.
"Thunder, you idiot, did you forget again?" The Red dragon shouted.
"Uh…" Torch ran a forepaw across his face in annoyance.
"Alright, look." He began. "That obnoxious Lizard bastard has insulted us by walking around minding his own business for TOO LONG!"
"Right…"
"So, we're going to get rid of him once and for all!"
"How, Torchy?" Wintra asked, nearly swooning when the Red dragon glanced over at her.
"Well, we know that the Lizard likes Jam, and we also know that he frequents this hallway."
"I guess…" Thunder replied, shrugging.
"So here's what we're doing: I've place a bowl of Jam in the middle of the hall. When the Lizard comes through and sees it, he'll immediately run over and start eating it. When that happens, we'll dump this bucket of Tar allover him, followed quickly by the feathers. He'll be so humiliated that he'll run SCREAMING out of the Temple, and we'll never see his ugly mug again!"
Torch began laughing like a mad-drake. Thunder and Wintra just stood there, dumbstruck.
"Uh, Torch.." Thunder said, "I don't really think that's a good idea.."
"Shut up! It's brilliant!" The Red dragon snapped.
Suddenly, the dragons could hear someone approaching from around a corner.
"Shit, here he comes. HIDE!"
Torch, Thunder and Wintra grabbed the buckets and flew up to a ventilation shaft and hid inside it, which is weird because this is a fantasy setting, but whatever. Voltyn remained in the hallway, just staring away.
"What about her?" Wintra asked.
"Who cares? She's not important!" Torch responded.
In a short moment, Lyrith the Albino turned around the corner and walked into the hallway, mumbling to himself.
"Oh Lordy, what a boring day.."
As Lyrith walked along, he spotted Voltyn standing around and walked up to her.
"Hey, what's up?" He asked. The Yellow dragoness didn't respond.
"Uh, you okay there?" The Albino queried. Still no response.
Lyrith started waving a paw back and forth in front of Voltyn's face.
"Hellooooooo?"
Voltyn didn't even blink.
"Say, how many sedatives as she been taking lately?" Wintra whispered.
"Beats me." Thunder replied.
"Shut up, you morons." Torch snapped.
Meanwhile, Lyrith had given up on trying to get Voltyn's attention.
"I'm, uh…just going to keep walking now." The Albino said. "You, er…just keep doing whatever it is you're doing, I guess. Bye."
Lyrith turned away from the spacey dragoness and continued walking. And then, he spotted the bowl of Jam sitting on the ground. His eyes lit up with joy.
"JAM!" He exclaimed excitedly.
The Albino immediately grabbed the bowl and started eating from it, without even questioning why a bowl of Jam would be lying around on the floor in the first place.
As he ate, Lyrith started smearing some of the Jam allover his face.
"Oh sweet Jam. My Precious Jam. You and you alone have been my one true friend all these years!"
"Okaaaaaaay." Thunder said with an awkward expression.
"Don't stall, you idiot!" Torch replied angrily. "Dump the Tar. NOW!"
"Huh?" Lyrith exclaimed.
The Albino jumped out of the way just as the sticky black Tar came falling from the ventilation shaft.
"What the..?" Lyrith asked, confused.
"You IMBECILE!" Torch roared. "You ruined the plan!"
"But you told me to dump the Tar, Torch!" Thunder snapped.
"Well you MISSED!"
"That's only because you gave us away!"
"Shut up, Thunder!" Wintra roared. "Torch is right and you're wrong!"
"That's a load of Bullshit!" The Yellow exclaimed.
As the three Nobles bickered and argued, Lyrith rolled his eyes.
"Morons." The Albino looked down at the bowl of Jam. "Let's go elsewhere, my sweet."
And with that, Lyrith and his "sweet" left the hallway, just as Torch and Thunder started saying awful things about each other's hygiene and dietary habits. Voltyn, meanwhile, continued staring at nothing. Seriously, what is up with that girl?
Meanwhile, on the other side of the plot…
Savron, Igneous, Tirren, Sleet, Typhous, and Zindy were all sitting around in the Temple's Café. Because all the best ancient temples have Café's.
The Purple dragon held his head with one forepaw and placed his other forepaw on the table, tapping a talon on in. He was bored out of his mind.
"I'm bored out of my mind!"
Yes, I just said that.
"Why are we wasting time just sitting around here?" Savron demanded. "We should be off exploring something!"
"But Sav," Igneous replied, "We've already explored just about every place we can get to. There's nothing left."
The Purple dragon cocked an eyebrow. Wait, do dragons have eyebrows? Whatever…
"You can't be serious." He said. "We couldn't have explored everywhere already?"
"Yes, we have." Tirren replied. "And I can prove it."
Tirren reached into her satchel and pulled out what looked like a map.
"You see this map?"
"Uh, yeah." Savron answered.
"Well, it's a map of the Temple and the surrounding land masses. I've taken the liberty of coloring in all the areas you guys have explored with a red marker.."
When Savron saw the map, it was completely covered in red.
"Okay, you're just bullshitting me." He said sternly.
"No, I'm not."
Suddenly, Zindy said something..
"Maybeyoushouldgosomeplaceyou'vealreadybeento."
"Huh?" Savron asked.
"Isaid'maybeyoushouldgosomeplaceyou'vealreadybeento'" Zindy replied.
"Zindy, I can't…."
"Youcan'twhat?Issomethingthematter?Ifsothenwhatisit?"
"Uh…"
"Whyaren'tyousayinganythingSav?Catgotyourtongue?Wherediditgo?Don'tworrySavI'llfindthecatandmakeit-"
Tirren placed a forepaw over the hyperactive dragoness's mouth.
"Zindy, you need to slow down when you talk." the Green dragoness said. Zindy proceeded to mumble something underneath her paw. But you probably wouldn't have been able to understand her anyway.
"In any case," Tirren began, "She said that maybe you should go exploring somewhere you've already been, since that's all that's available."
"Hmmm." Savron thought for a minute. "Well, I guess we could go spulinking in one of those caves at the edge of the forest, or something."
"I think you mean 'spelunking." Sleet corrected.
"Whatever."
"In any case, I don't think we should go." Igneous replied.
"Why not?" Savron demanded.
"Whenever we go off to explore, we always end up in some dangerous situation."
"WHAT? No we don't!" The Purple dragon snapped.
"Yes, we do." Igneous responded. "Remember that time when we ended up trapped in the abandoned mines?"
"Uh…"
"Or how about the time we all got captured by those Doom Cultists?" Sleet added.
"Well.."
"And let's not forget the day when we accidentally traveled through time and were nearly killed by that psychotic-"
"We swore never to mention that again!" Savron yelled.
The others just stared at the Purple dragon. There was a long awkward silence.
Savron sighed.
"We're going to that cave, and that's final!"
"But we don't want to!" Sleet protested.
"Yeah, and there's nothing you can say or do to make it otherwise!" Igneous added.
"Damnit." Igneous said with chagrin.
Savron, Igneous and Sleet arrived at the cave.
The Cave was at the edge of the forest, as was already established. They could barely see about ten feet into the cave's interior, as the rest was hidden by darkness.
"So, who's going in first?" Savron asked.
"Not me!" Sleet shouted, cowering behind Igneous. "It's scary in there!"
"Well then, I guess that leaves Igneous."
"WHAT?" The red dragon yelled.
"You're obviously the one best suited to go first."
"How do you figure THAT?"
"Well, you're a Fire dragon. You can use your Fire breath to light the way."
"But you have fire magic too!"
The two dragons bickered back and forth for several minutes, getting absolutely nowhere the whole while. Eventually, though, the two boys came to a compromise.
"I've got an idea." Savron said. "All three of us will go in at the same time. Sound fair?"
"Considering how neither Sleet nor I wanted to come here in the first place, No, it doesn't." The Purple sighed in contempt.
"We'll never get anywhere if we keep bickering!" He shouted. "Can't we just go inside already!" Igneous rolled his eyes.
"Fine." The Red dragon turned to the still-cowardly Sleet. "C'mon, Sleet, let's get this over with."
The three young dragons walked slowly into the cave, the Ice dragon gulping.
"This is a really bad idea, guys."
As the three young dragons spulinked-
"Spelunked."
Shut up.
As the three young dragons explored the cave, Savron and Igneous used their fire magic to light their way. The cave wasn't really as impressive or spooky as Savron expected: It seemed to just some generic cave.
"Well this sucks." He grimaced. "You'd think there'd be something at least moderately interesting in here!"
"Then why don't we just leave, then?" Igneous asked.
"Because that'd be boring!"
"It would also be smart."
"Oh, shut up."
Savron and Igneous proceeded to argue, again. Say, why are they friends, exactly?
As this happened, Sleet noticed something strange. Somewhere, off in the shadows deeper in the cave, something was moving.
"Uh, guys?" He asked.
"WHAT?" The two other dragons exclaimed. Sleet pointed past them at the shadows.
"Look!"
Savron and Igneous turned towards where Sleet was pointing, and used their Fire breaths to light the way.
To their surprise, a strange, short, Orange and Lizard-like creature wearing a purple Cape and carrying around a stick with a Ruby on it jumped at the sudden fire and fell backwards.
"DAMN DRAGONS!" He shouted as his ass hit the ground.
Savron, Igneous and Sleet stared in disbelief.
"Who the fuck are you?" Savron asked.
The Orange creature got up onto his short feet and started shouting.
"Stupid beasts! I am the mighty wizard Ripto!"
"Rip-what?" Igneous asked.
"RIPTO, you asinine fire-breathing Lizards!"
"Ooooookay." Savron replied, taking a few steps back. "Well, we have to be going now."
The three dragons started backing away from "Ripto", the latter growling in rage.
"How DARE you walk away from me while I'm talking to you! I'll KILL you!"
The three dragons ran like hell, Ripto chasing after them and firing lasers out of his stick.
Later..
Lyrith wandered out into the Temple gardens, lovingly carrying his bowl of jam.
"Oh, my beloved jam." He swooned. "You are the one thing in this cold, dark world that proves to me that life is worth living."
As the Albino tenderly held his beloved food, he didn't notice Savron, Igneous and Sleet come running out of nowhere.
The three other dragons ran right past Lyrith, surprising him.
"What the fu-?"
"Talk Later, run NOW!" Savron shouted.
"What?"
As Lyrith stood there confused, Ripto suddenly came running past him as well.
"Out of my way, beast!" The Orange midget shouted, shoving Lyrith over.
"Hey!" The Albino shouted as he hit the ground.
Suddenly, the sound of glass breaking filled the air. Lyrith turned to see where it came from, and his mouth dropped open in horror.
His Bowl of Jam had broken to pieces on the side of a rock. Purple goop was splattered everywhere.
The Albino was so horrified, he couldn't even form words to speak.
SO, he roared in rage.
"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!"
His bellow was so loud that Ripto and the other dragons jumped in surprised. They all turned to face Lyrith, who was glaring right at the Orange Midget, nostrils flaring.
"HELLO!" He screamed. "MY NAME IS LYRITH THE DRAGON! YOU KILLED MY JAM, PREPARE TO DIE!"
"What?" Ripto exclaimed, flabbergasted.
Immediately, the Albino dragon charged for the Midget at an impossible speed. He proceeded to attack Ripto, as well as do all sorts of nasty things too graphic for this fan fiction.
As Ripto's screams of agony filled the grounds, Savron and the other boys just stood there, awkwardly watching the Midget get torn to pieces.
"Uh, let's go somewhere else." The Purple dragon said, slowly walking towards the exit.
"Agreed." The others replied in unison.
And so, Savron, Igneous and Sleet left the gardens, praying that they never make the mistake of killing Lyrith's Jam.
Characters stolen from Dardarax:
Lyrith
Random Earth dragon number six
Torch
Thunder
Wintra
Savron's gang (Igneous, Tirren, Sleet, Typhous, Zindy)
Ripto
Well, that was certainly fun, wasn't it. I don't really own the Spyro franchise: I just went mad with power for a moment. I'd like to thank Dardarax for giving me the okay to do this parody chapter. I hope you had fun reading it, and I eagerly await your Comments in the Reviews. And don't worry: I'll get back to work writing chapters to Brightest Night, Darkest Day asap.
Well, until next time.
Tenebra ecce Veritas