I left her one night as it was pouring. She was crying like hell, wearing my large t-shirt (she used to sleep in it); her hair was shining in the living room light and her heart was breaking in little pieces as she claimed she loved me and asked for forgiveness.
When I came home some years later, I was surprised to find her crying like hell, all wet by the pouring rain as her heart broke once again, as she begged for forgiveness and a kiss of love, touching my old t-shirt she was still wearing and showing the wedding rings.
I get out of the yellow cab, take a deep breath and practically force myself to walk over. I'm here now, there is no sense in going back. I ignore my guilty history a woman who's not my wife, and I try to stay calm as I think that if I knock in that door I will see my wife for the first time after four years. I will see my baby girl, my daughter, who can't be a newborn anymore. I'll know if she stayed with my best friend, after I left her.
The door slowly opens, interrupting my conflicting thoughts, and Addison is suddenly there, in front of me, a beautiful mess that looks like an angel. She's more beautiful than I remembered, but for years my memories have been deformed by anger and another love.
"Derek?" she only whispers my name, because it probably hurts. "I heard a car, but I didn't think it would be you." her words are spoken like in low motion, as if they struggle to come out.
"It was my cab." I put my suitcase on the ground, waiting for her to invite me in.
Addison sniffs, and for the first time I ask myself why she has ruined makeup, wet clothes, knotty hair. I feel like I've already lived this scene, as she lets me in, but it's not a good déjà vu.
And then a more serious question appears in my mind, and my heart skips a heartbeat. "It didn't happen something to her, did it?"
"Amy? No, she's upstairs, sleeping in her room with Ally."
"Who's Ally?"
She covers her mouth, inhales some air, stares at me in fear.
She doesn't answer to my question, but turns around instead, and before I can say or do anything she's on her knees crying hysterically.
"Hey." I kneel down next to her, but I don't touch her because there's something stopping me. And I don't know whether I feel closer to Addison or if our distance is growing bigger and bigger.
"Calm yourself down. Breathe. Okay. Good, again. Breathe."
And then she does, breathe. And she looks at me and I can see she feels lost. And I lose myself in her eyes.
"It's not what you think." she sounds defending, defiant, now.
"What do I think?" I'm thinking that this Ally's their daughter. Hers and his. But my voice doesn't express it.
Addison sighs, as if she's giving up. "Mark is her father. Ally's father. And in case you're wondering where he is, he left. He cheated on me, confessed it with no guilt nor apology and he left me."
She stands up as she talks, leaving me speechless on the floor. I wait for blind rage to come, but it doesn't, not right away. And when it comes, it's not about Ally. Or Mark. It's about Mark hurting her, it's because he's my best friend.
"Mommy? Bad dweam."
Addison doesn't take her in her arms, but she turns around to hide her tears.
So I walk to the wooden stairs and pick the tiny girl up. She is so light, and she smells of kids. I got to the guest room – which I suppose to be kids' room now – without stopping to cradle Ally. I know she's Ally, because she has a little bracelet with her name on it.
"Are you a friend of mommy?"
I watch my daughter, sitting on the bed. He has her mother's eyes, but she's mine. She's all me.
"Ally often has nightmares." she says again. She didn't say bad dreams, but nightmares. She looks somehow smarter than any girl her age should be, but it's probably my pride speaking.
"I am your mommy's friend, yes. She's a little tired, so I thought about tucking you and your sister in, instead. Is that okay with you?"
She nods, so I set Ally on the spare bed and fix the sheets around her. I kiss her forehead, I kiss Amy's forehead. I stop a moment longer beside her bed, trying to get to know the daughter I've never met.
As I walk in the corridor to go back downstairs, I feel my eyes getting wet. I wipe away the sadness, ignoring the fact the my baby girl doesn't know about me.
"Does she call him daddy?"
Addison looks up at me, putting down the glass of wine she's holding. She didn't even take a sip.
"Yes."
I nod, taking it all in slowly, and I sit beside her. I can't touch her, I can't look at her. Her beauty would trap me forever.
"Derek, I'm sorry. God, I am so sorry..." and more tears, again. I feel too numb to help her stop.
And after a while, in the dark of night, her sobs stop and we finally look at each other. I'm pale, she's powerless.
But she leans over and kiss me briefly, and even if I don't return the kiss our following words are all we both need to hear.
"Can I spend the night?"
"Yes." she says, again.