Challenge: Satire. The most ridiculous Mary-Sue ever to exist. Self-insertion is good. Must be funny and absurd. This can be fanfiction or original.
Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen pushed her bright blonde (and totally fake) hair out of her unnaturally large bright blue eyes as she walked, or bounced rather, down to Platform 9 ¾. She flashed a dazzlingly white smile as all men within sight distance locked their eyes on her. Too bad she didn't date Muggles.
Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen was a 7th year student at some stupid, made-up American wizard school that the author put in for convenience before her parents got some mysterious job in Britain and for reasons never actually explained, Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen, now is attending her first year at Hogwarts where all the hot male characters are. Oh, and female. She doesn't discriminate.
She's super intelligent so she already knows how to get in to the Platform and glides easily through it despite her six inch stilettos. Once again, everyone stares. She adjusts her pink skin tight top over her ridiculous 'her-back-must-hurt-all-the-time' huge breasts and someone runs off in a nosebleed; probably Seamus. Why? Because I like Seamus. And he's a man hoe. Just a little. Shh! Don't interrupt.
As I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen got on the train and walked a couple hundred yards before stopping in front of a closed compartment. She slid it open with her delicately manicured hand and poked her head in.
"Excuse me," she said in an innocent sickly sweet voice, "I'm new, may I join your compartment?"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione (who aren't important enough to have their full names put in the story) all gaped up at her in awe. Being completely dumbstruck by her total hotness, the three of them shook their heads in positive response. Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen slid her tight, mini-skirted butt into the seat next to Harry. Who promptly had a nosebleed. Because he has no idea how to deal with girls. Cho. All I got to say. So he ran away.
Anyway, Ron was able to stick it out, although his eyes were stuck in her amazing cleavage. Hermione was jealous but got over it because everyone loves Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. Everyone. Those who don't end up dying mysterious, bitter deaths. And no one liked them anyway. So it's all good. Any normal person would feel awkward in such a situation but not Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. She has complete confidence in all situations and was looking at Ron as if staring at her prey.
"Hello," She flashed her blinding grin, "I'm Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. I just transferred from some stupid, made-up American wizard school that the author put in for convenience because my parents got some mysterious job in Britain for reasons never actually explained."
She paused, "What are your names'?"
Hermione was the first to recover,
"My name is Hermione and I am the smartest girl in the school."
Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen threw back her head in melodic laughter,
"Not anymore. I have higher grades than you shall ever achieve. It's okay though, we should be best friends!"
Hermione fought the instinct to love Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. It went against all of her sense. But, as this is a tale of Mary Sue, she lost that fight and broke into a subservient smile,
"Yes of course! We shall be best friends!"
"And I'll make you pretty! Because I'm such a nice, great person," Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen must have smiled a little too dazzlingly, because Hermione shut her eyes in pain. She was still smiling though, because everyone loves Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen.
"Ah, Potter," Draco Malfoy (who is slightly more important to the plot and therefore has a last name) sneered (as he always does in these predictable train confrontations) before he realized that Harry was in fact absent from the compartment. He coughed once and muttered a curse word before noticing Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. His jaw dropped to the floor. But not literally; this is not an anime you silly geese! He had never before seen a woman so breathtakingly gorgeous before in his entire, relatively short, time on God's green earth. Which, according to the alarmists, isn't going to be green for very long so we should GET THE HELL OFF and move to Mars. Leave it to the bunnies and deer. And the things that eat them. Ahem. Anyway, as I was saying earlier, never before had Draco Malfoy seen a woman so breathtakingly beautiful in all his life. In person, anyway. There WERE those magazines under his bed; and oh yes, they were magic so the pictures moved. Draco Malfoy blushed and coughed to remove such images from his brain to the actual female in front of him. There was always time for that later. Ahem.
"Who the fuck are you?" Draco Malfoy used the 'fuck' word because the stupid twelve-year old girls who write this junk think it makes him more badass.
"I'm Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen," Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen smiled without missing a beat. She agreed with the twelve-year old girls that saying the 'fuck' word makes him more badass. She would never use it of course for she was a good girl. Until later when they shag ferociously later down the page. Don't you dare scroll down you smutty fan girls! I'm warning you! Read the rest of the story first, Jesus!
"Why the fuck are you with them?" Draco Malfoy was feeling the need to overcompensate today.
"These are my new friends. I'm going to make Hermione hot! And if you are mean to them I don't like you," Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen had high moral fiber as well as a fantastic rack.
Now, Draco Malfoy, being a horny teenage boy written by undersexed fan girls, I am supposed to describe the ache in his loins that was driving him crazy. However, I frankly don't want to describe anything of the sort right now, so sorry. Maybe later.
"Oh," Draco Malfoy sulked attractively (hell, he probably picks his nose attractively), "I'll go then."
And he left.
"Wow!" Hermione looked on in shock and awe at Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen, "You are so brave! You told Malfoy off!"
"Really? That's so weird! He didn't seem all that scary," And he was hot, Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen thought, Oh no! I can't think things like that! He hates my friends!
Just at that moment Harry came sprinting back into the room,
"Guys, it's time to change into our robes and go to school!"
Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen stepped into the Hogwarts castle and was very impressed by the magic ceiling and ghosts and medieval décor (apparently they didn't teach 'magic' in American wizarding schools). Immediately after she set foot in the Great Hall, The Old Codger (otherwise known as Dumbledore) pulled her to the side,
"Hello Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen! To spare you embarrassment, I took advice from your old headmaster and placed you in Slytherin against your wishes! I hope this has not crushed your newfound hopes, dreams, and friends. Tata!"
"Oh no!" Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen gasped parting her lips. This in turn led to another nosebleed by Harry. Hmm, you'd think it would be Ron. I digress, anyway, she gasped prettily, "We can still be friends right?"
"Oh of course!" Hermione assured her, "It's not like the houses have been divided since the founding of the school and the bonds can't realistically be broken by one person who in real life would probably make friends inside her own house! Wait, actually…"
"Oh goodie!" Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen cut Hermione off, "Then I'll come eat with you guys!"
Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen then proceeded to boldly sit down at the Gryffindor table (she knew where it was obviously, because I know I would know which table was for Gryffindors if I walked into a room and there were four long tables) and ignored the stares and whispers. It was obviously just her appearance and fantastic rack they were discussing.
"Oh, um," Harry seemed to have recovered from his nosebleed, "Um, you can't actually sit there…"
"Oh," Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen furrowed her brow in an adorable manner and bit her lip seductively, "Why is that?"
"Oh-" Hermione started but Ron interrupted her and Damnit! We lost Harry again,
"Oh bullocks!"
Everyone turned to stare at Ron, even Harry who's nose was still bleeding, who just blinked,
"What? The author doesn't think I'm important to the storyline, as usual, and I therefore have the least amount of lines of all the characters. I felt like starting my sentence with 'Oh' too so shove it."
Everyone blinked before shrugging and continuing. Ron just sighed and then proceeded to sink back into the background where his only job was to make a stupid comment here and there and get angry at Harry for screwing his sister.
"Anyway," Hermione continued, "You can't sit here because this is the Gryffindor table and you are a Slytherin as of now."
"Okay," Gesabelle stood up gracefully and sashayed her way to the Slytherin table; she knew where this one was too because it's just so obvious. She sat down before she heard a sneer.
"Well look here," Draco Malfoy stated rather redundantly; everyone was already looking 'tard, "If it isn't Miss America."
"Pfft," Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen muttered intelligently, "Miss America is a little less pretty than me and a whole lot prettier than you."
This of course, in the fanfiction world is NOT a lame comeback as it would be in real life. In the fanfiction world everyone ohhed and aahhhed and Draco Malfoy got pissed at his diss. Yes that rhymed. I'm just that freakin' cool.
"Yeah?" Draco Malfoy was pissy today. He did NOT enjoy having a certain extremely hot girl sliding her tight little ass into -wait. Did he just think-? No. She was his newly sworn enemy! He couldn't be having such decidedly sexual thoughts about her, "Well, I don't like your face so fuck me-erm, I mean fuck off." With that being said, Draco Malfoy stalked off with his nose in the air so high that it actually threw him off balance and he fell over; attractively of course.
Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen pouted and pushed her food around her plate. She hated Draco Malfoy, right? But he was soooo adorable walking away. Stop! She couldn't think like that! He hated her and she hated him. Then…why did it hurt so bad when he said those awful, mean, things?
Why did it hurt so bad when she said those awful, mean, things? Draco Malfoy was a badass and had no feelings. Or so he thought until he met her. By her we of course mean Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. God, have you not been reading the story? Sheesh. She made him feel. Draco Malfoy was supposed to hate Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen. It was simple and the lines were clear. But somewhere in the one day they had actually known each other the lines blurred. He blamed the hormones. I blame the hormones of the authors who write this junk.
It made Draco Malfoy angry. And it made him curse a lot to up his badassness.
"Why the fuck am I confused about this? Oh God," Draco's mouth dropped and his eyes widened to anime sized proportions, "I'm in love with Gesabelle Annaleese Vanerhousen!"
What? You thought I was going to drag it out longer? That would be realistic and not in the spirit of Mary Sues. After this (not so) shocking revelation (after all, in fanfiction you list the pairing so everyone knows what's going to happen anyway) he sat down burdened by his thoughts. I might mention he was in the middle of the Slytherin Common Room and had attracted quite a slew of funny looks from his fellow Slytherins. Of course, he had just announced that he was in love with Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen but she wasn't there and there would be no rumors about it because I need at least one plot hole to make this a plausible Mary Sue. LOL, I used 'plausible' and 'Mary Sue' in the same sentence and then I followed by chatspeak! Ahem. Back to the story.
Meanwhile, Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen was fighting her own thoughts. She was haunted by thoughts of the Slytherin Sex God Draco Malfoy and couldn't get him out of her head. What would her friends think if she shagged their/her greatest enemy? Ron would fume and scream ridiculous accusations and generally be an idiot, Harry would be okay with it in about ten seconds, and Hermione would be for it from the start. Realizing that she didn't actually care about their opinions, Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen made her way to the Great Hall.
When she got there, of course, it was filled with the entire school because all the non-mentioned Hogwarts kiddos are always in there for some reason. She dramatically threw open the doors (which takes some strength because those are HUGE doors) and entered the Great Hall. All eyes shot towards the loud banging noise and everyone went silent. Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen bit her lip and looked around for her sexy, sexy, Slytherin Sex God (and yes she COULD say that five times fast) and found him eyeing her just as hungrily. He stood up and walked towards her. After an agonizingly long walk to each other, the two, their passion so strong they had no need for words, jumped on each other and hungrily snogged in front of the entire school. Teachers included. Everyone gasped and was outraged. Ron fumed and screamed ridiculous accusations and generally was an idiot, Harry was okay with it in about ten seconds, and Hermione was for it from the start.
Draco Malfoy and Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen snogged all the way to Draco Malfoy's dorm room (which was empty of course) him carrying her and her legs wrapped seductively around his waist. Draco Malfoy pulled back for air after he had slammed the door,
"I love you, I just have to tell you something first but I'm afraid you'll hate me forever."
'What is it Drakie-Poo?" Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen cooed lying on his bed.
"I'm a vampire," He grinned showing razor sharp fangs, "And half Veela," he tossed his golden hair.
"That's okay," Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen smirked showing her fangs and tossing her hair, "Me too."
After this revelation they fell to his bed and snogged even more ferociously.
And then 3,000 miles away, Voldemort realized that he was screwed anyway because a trans-dimensional portal opened and someone was kind enough to chuck the 7th book at his head. So he jumped off a bridge and died.
The end.
No really, that's all.
I mean it, stop reading.
FINE!
And Gesabelle Annaleese Vanderhousen and Draco Malfoy did each other like rabid animals. Several times.
There you go you smutty fangirls.