He was kissing her neck.
She didn't really feel anything.
I guess my insides are whirring. I mean, they have to be right? Because this is it. Finally Rae Earl is going to lose her virginity. Finally.
His hands were under her shirt and she wished she could see something but it was pitch black. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. Her innards felt tight and anxious. He was touching her breasts and she noticed that her hands were resting limply by her side. And then an image of Chloe flashed into her head.
Chloe crying.
Why am I thinking about that?
And then it was Finn. Finn speaking.
"I don't mind that you've got stuff, really."
And the image flashed back to Chloe.
"You don't know what it's like to walk into a room and everyone look at you."
But I do know.
But no one was looking at her now. She sought out his mouth and kissed him, thankful for the darkness.
This is right. No one looking at me.
It hurt her – seemed to burn her skin every time his fingers touched her. More painful than any time she dragged a knife across her thighs and felt that numb calmness spread through her.
But there was no numbness this time. It was all raw. Everything hurt.
And again her mind showed her things she didn't want to see. Things she couldn't understand. Words on a page: "how do you get over someone… I can't stop thinking about Rae."
What is wrong with me?! Here I am about to finally do what every other girl does. What normal girls do. Here I was with a boy that was built for me. He was just like me. People don't change. I won't change. This is where I belong.
This is all I deserve.
She sat up suddenly.
"Alright?" Liam's voice was gruff with inflamed passion.
"I don't know."
Where the fuck did that come from?
"Lie back down."
She reached over and turned the light on. For a moment he was Finn, his eyes filled with… with what? Concern? Filled with… love? No. Not that.
And then her eyes adjusted to the light and she saw Liam. Looking confused and bemused.
"Are you not ready?"
She doesn't reply, she looks away across his room and then down at her dishevelled clothes.
What's wrong with me? I've gone down on him, I know what's in his pants. I can totally do this.
It's not about the sex.
It was a different voice, the same but somehow different. It felt strange in her head this voice, as if it had not spoken up for a long time; a muscle that had been dangerously underutilised.
She stood up without looking at Liam.
"I don't know what's…" She gathered her belongings slowly, barely registering what he was saying.
"Rae, what the fucking fuck are you doing? Are we fucking or not?" He watched her moving as if in a daze. The answer was fairly obvious, unless he did something drastic. "Well are we going out?"
He watched her go. She didn't say a word. He knew she'd go eventually. Everything and everyone does. He'd been kidding himself trying to pretend that they were right for each other just because they were alike.
"Not alike." He said to the empty room. He was so sure that he had convinced her and that her self-hatred was so high that she'd accept him. He had always known that only a broken girl could love him. He looked at the mirror on his wall for a moment. The way his shirt was pulled up over the slight bulge of his stomach.
Instantly he grabbed his ashtray and threw it with all of his force at the mirror.
What the fuck did I just do?
She walked barefoot, not knowing where she was walking to. The numbness was finally starting to creep in. Was it self-harm to walk away from Liam? Is that why she felt numb now?
No. You did the right thing.
Who was that in her head? She saw some grass and sat down on it with a thud. She dropped all of stuff and stared out at the road for a while. She had no bra on. Where was her bra? She looked through everything on the grass and found it, and after a quick look around, she slipped it on under her shirt.
Your feet.
She looked down at her feet and suddenly noticed the pain. She had trodden on glass. The wounds was deep and she'd probably need stitches. She looked around to get her bearings.
Where the fuck am I? What's going on?
It's ok. You got this.
It sounded like Kester, but it was a woman. She closed her eyes and took another deep breath.
Now take a good look.
She did, and she could see which way she had to go to walk to the hospital.
It was going to be a long night.
She got up and started hobbling her way to the hospital.
I'm never gonna lose my v-plates.
Maybe not. But that's better than fucking a boy that doesn't want to look at you.
Rae stoped dead in her tracks. That's what it was. The way Liam had smiled at her when she had accepted that she wasn't an oil painting. That look. It wasn't him hiding that he felt insecure too and was glad he'd found his equal. No. It was him knowing that he had her in the bag. That she was broken down enough to fuck him. And some part of her had seen that and stopped her.
She didn't know what to think or say.
Where the fuck have you been? Was a good start. Why hadn't this part of herself stopped her on all those other occasions she had been about to do something stupid? It's not like this was the most stupid thing she'd ever done either.
Images flashed into her mind again. Finn calling out her name. She knew he'd liked her but she also knew she could never be what he wanted. Chloe crying, Chloe was perfect for him. And she was brilliant.
Why was I never there for her?
Words on a page. Scrawling etched onto creamy smooth paper. Chloe's inner thoughts.
Finn still likes me.
Or he did, before he left.
He left because of me.
No.
I'm not that important.
Am I?
She thought about Chloe's diary and the things she'd read.
Chloe left because of me too.
She was seeing everything so differently, but it still felt oddly, exactly the same. The truth was, everything was still her fault. She had been crap both before and after reading Chloe's diary, it was just that it was different now.
"I'll always just be shit."
Rae's own voice awoke her from her fugue. She noticed a worried looking man in white, he was touching her arm. She pulled away from him and looked around confused.
She was in the hospital. She had been walking for hours.
"I just need to rest." She felt herself falling, felt her body hitting the ground, heard people calling out things. It didn't matter, it was all fading away.
She woke up and looked down at the bed she was in.
Where the fuck?
And then she remembered. She looked around the room and her eyes stopped dead on a person sleeping in the corner on an uncomfortable looking chair.
No.
No.
Panicked, she started to sit up and then stopped herself, she had to be quiet. She got up slowly and looked around the room for her stuff.
He opened his eyes sleepily and saw her bent over in front of him, hurriedly looking for something in the cupboard beside the bed. Her arse is bare and after a moment of appreciation he lowers his eyes with a look of self-reprimanding on his face. He puts his hand up to shield his eyes so as to stop the temptation to look again.
He notices that he can hear a frantic whisper.
"Shit. Fuck. No. Where are my clothes? Shit. Fuck." He could hear the tears in her voice.
"What's wrong Rae?"
She freezes and turns slowly to look at him.
"What are you doing here?"
"It turns out that my dad's phone number is the only one you have in your purse. The hospital called him in the middle of the night. He called me." Finn lowered his eyes as he continued speaking, "so I came here and you were already sleeping. They said you lost a lot of blood."
"Did you call my mum?"
Finn looked up horror-struck.
"I didn't think to."
"Right, so you got a call in the middle of the night, and you just dropped everything and came? What kind of a person does that?"
She turned and looked through the next cupboard and silently rejoiced to find her clothes there.
"Rae…" His voice sounded like he had something to tell her, but she didn't want to hear it. She thought she knew what he was going to say as she saw her underpants folded neatly on the pile.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My arse is hanging out.
Fuck.
She could hear him saying her name again.
"What Finn?
"You're bleeding again."
She looked down at her foot and suddenly she felt the pain and the wooziness all over again.
She gritted her teeth and smiled at Finn as she pulled the curtain around the bed closed so it was between them.
She dressed quickly and started to walk out without opening the curtain.
"Where are you going Rae?" He asked again.
"Home."
"Let me drive you."
"No that's fine."
"Why are you so angry at me?"
"BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LEFT!"
Oh shit. Now I'd gone and done it. I could see people from outside the room staring at me. But nothing was as bad as that look on his face. He looked so… hurt? Really? I still had the ability to hurt him? How was that even possible?
She started to walk away from him, and it took him a moment to gather himself before calling after her;
"You left first."
"What? Is it some sort of competition?"
"Why did you dump me?"
"Are we really gonna talk about this now?"
"Why not?"
I could see the nurse's eyes on me. Judging me. But suddenly I didn't give a fuck.
"You see that nurse over there staring at me?"
The nurse looked down quickly.
"There's always someone staring at me."
Finn just looked at her confused. Rae felt unreasonably furious at him – why couldn't he understand?
"What has that got to do with-"
"Fuck you Finn! You don't understand what it's like to have someone, no everyone judging you and telling you, you're not good enough. You're too fat and ugly for him!"
Suddenly the tears came. She tried to stop them but they burst from her, and she could feel her face contorting into an ugly mask of grief. And all she could see was Finn's fucking perfect face staring back at her, with a mixture of emotions that she couldn't read.
"I know I'm not good enough for you!" She spat the words out with all the venom she could muster. She wanted to wound him so he could feel what she had felt for all these months, "and every time we go out in public I'm embarrassed for you to be seen with me." Her voice pleaded with him somehow, "You deserve better." She seemed to be finished, but then a final despairing blow came, "you deserve better than me."
She sobbed just once before turning on her heels and storming off.
"Rae?" He called after her.
"NO FINN!" She yelled back.
Everyone was staring at her. She had to get out.
Finally home. Finally safe.
I can go to my room and hide for a thousand years.
Why had he come?
Why?
Idiot.
"Fucking twat." She muttered to herself as she climbed the stairs.
Her room.
It was empty.
Her room was empty. And there was baby stuff in it.
"Where the fuck is my stuff?" She stormed and raged around the place looking for her mother. Eventually she saw her pop up behind some boxes in the lounge room.
I can't believe she moved all of my stuff out of my room.
Oh fuck my foot fucking hurts. Fuck, is it bleeding again?
I am not sharing my room with that fucking baby.
Oh Chloe. What am I gonna do? Oh fuck… better leave it to her parents. It's not like Chloe's gonna wanna see you is it? You know her parents don't care about her. Fuck. Fuck.
I wish Mum'd never gotten pregnant.
Oh fuck. Liam! Fuck. Fuck fuck. Why do I bollocks everything up? Now I'll never have a boyfriend.
Fuck Mum's already fucked up one kid – why would she wanna fuck up another one?
What the fuck was Finn doing here?
What's that she's saying?
"Do you even care about this baby?"
"No."
Oh here it comes. She'll slap me again because Rachel Earl has gone too far for her stupid pregnant mind.
Why is she crying?
What the fuck did I do now?
Oh fuck this.
I'm going to Archie's.
She is actually the most beautiful girl… no woman, I have ever seen. Look at her. Sleeping peacefully. I wish-
No Finn, nothing good comes of thinking that way.
"Lord she sure does snore doesn't she?"
Finn looked up and gave a scathing look at the nurse.
"Most people do dear, don't take it personally. Your…" the nurse looked down at Rae, and then at Finn and how he was holding her hand and stroking her hair, "sister?" She guessed, "Is normal, except for her weight of course."
"She's not my sister."
"Then what are you then?"
Good question. How would you describe what we were?
Nothing.
Nothingness?
That seemed about right.
"We're mates."
"Mates don't stroke each other's hair like that." The nurse gave him a quizzical look and then looked back at Rae. She sucked her teeth for a moment, considering. In the end she decided not to say anything. "She's lost a lot of blood, but she'll be fine. Just needs to rest."
"Yeah the doctor said." The nurse nodded curtly in response and checked Rae's temperature and pulse before turning to leave. She stopped momentarily, still unsure whether to say anything, but thought better of it and left.
Finn watched her leave and then looked back down at Rae.
She's right. Mates don't stroke each other's hair like this.
He forced himself to stop. Stop touching her. But before he made his hand unclench her hand he kissed it gently.
And what the fuck did the nurse mean about her weight?
Finn looked quizzically at Rae.
She looked the same as before (I left).
He sighed and sat back on the chair in the corner. It was going to be a long night, but he'd wait it out for her. No, with her.
No, I'm just waiting, not with her, not for her.
Fucking get your head straight Finn.
He dreamed of her again. He always dreamed of her. The way her body felt under his hands, the way she smiled at him – that cheeky impish grin. The way she tasted. Sometimes he'd dream that she was just talking and all he'd do was listen to her voice, it seemed for hours. Sometimes she'd come and tell him what he did wrong, and he'd fix it and everything would be better. Sometimes he would dream of the night in the caravan, except when she stopped, she didn't say she had a headache, she stood up and slowly took off her clothes for him to drink her in.
How do you get over someone?
He remembered asking Chloe that. Chloe was such a good mate.
Maybe you never do.
He already knew he'd never get over Rae. She seemed to be perfect for him. But somehow it didn't work out.
Well he was awake now, not as fun as being asleep, but he should go and hunt down some hospital food.
He opened his eyes slowly to see her bent over, the hospital gown was open at the back, and…
Look away Finn
No don't keep looking.
FINN, LOOK AWAY.
No, no, don't get an erection – not fucking here! Not now!
Jesus fucking Christ. Stop being a fucking twat and look away.
Thank you!
Fuck, you shouldn't look at people when they don't know you're looking at them – not like that. Fuck Finn. Fuck! Don't be a fucking creep. That's not the way you want to see her naked. I want her to… want it too.
Although he couldn't deny it was a good view, it was nicer just having her around again. He'd missed her.
He only just realised that he'd even missed her smell.
Oh fuck, her foot is bleeding again. It must be pretty bad.
I wonder what happened?
He sat down on the curb outside the hospital and lit a cigarette.
What the fuck just happened?
He saw her face, weighed down with all that pain and emotion and he felt something heavy and sharp twist in his chest.
He hated seeing her in pain.
"Oh bollocks." He sighed. He was just as much in love with her as he ever had been.
How do you get over someone?
Maybe you never do.
What had she been saying to him? He tried to twist his brain to see things that were patently not true; things that were impossible.
"No smoking this close to a hospital."
It was that nurse. The one that had said Rae was snoring, who had been watching them argue.
She sat down next to him and took his cigarette. Stubbing it out, she fixed him with a very stern eye.
"Now listen here. Fat girls don't live in the same world as you." She said it with as much gravity as she could muster. She was fat herself, she understood; she was alone because of it.
"If you actually care about your fat lass, you need to get your head around that."
"Yeah I'm getting that."
"Not really." She wrote her number down for him. "If you feel like you need to talk, I'll listen." She stood up and walked towards the bus stop without looking back.
"Why did you mention Rae's weight before, and now?" He called after her. She turned and stared him down for a moment.
"Because everyone else has. Probably all of her life."
"Hello Rae. Lovely morning for it." Archie said as he noted her bare feet.
"Oh fuck off." She walked into his house and straight to his bedroom. Archie chuckled and closed the door.
"Everything in your room?"
"Just gone. Packed up into boxes."
"Fuck." Archie looked around at all of his things, at his own space. To have all of that taken away, to have his parents pawing through all of it. "Fuck that." He articulated his thoughts.
"Exactly. She just makes me feel…"
How does she make me feel? Frustrated? Angry? They mean the same thing…
"Invisible."
What?
"I feel like she doesn't see me at all. And I'm just a big fucking disappointment to her. You know?"
"Yeah."
Oh god, poor Archie, he looks upset. Maybe his parents are fucked up too.
"Are your parents the same?"
Archie took a deep breath.
"Yeah. And no. I think Linda's worse. She's always been pretty self-centred from what I've seen."
Self-centred.
There are those words again.
"But, I mean, sometimes it's good to be self-centred right? Means you're looking after yourself. But sometimes it's not. Cos you gotta look after other people. I think. Maybe."
Have I been too self-centred to look after any of my friends?
Oh fuck.
"And I really hate how parents treat you like you have to earn their love and respect." Archie's voice cracked a little.
"What happened Archie?"
"They say they're ok with me being gay. But they treat me different. Especially my dad."
"That's fucked up."
"Respect and love isn't something you should have to earn you know? We're all the same – we're all human. Everyone should be given respect. You lose respect, not earn it."
I couldn't get my head around what he was saying. I've always had to earn love.
"You what?"
"As a human Rae, you should just be given respect and love. And when you do fucked up shit – that's when you lose the respect and love of others. You shouldn't have to start from a place of zero love and respect and have to earn it. Especially not from your parents. That's bollocks."
"Do you think I lost my mum's respect?"
"No, I think she's like every other parent; working on the assumption that have you have to earn it."
"Yeah. So I had to get out of the house. Can't stand her crying and shite."
"Why was she crying?"
"Oh I just said-"
That I didn't care about my half baby brother or sister.
"Some stuff that upset her, I s'pose."
"Right, like what?"
"I think I said some pretty horrible things Archie."
"Yeah but she's the adult right? She knows you're going through stuff. It's her job to look after you. That's why she had you."
"I told her she screwed me up."
"But she didn't."
"Yeah. I know. I did that myself."
"No, that's not what I mean. I mean, you're not a screw up. Your mum is pretty fucking daft, and she has done some shite. But for all of that; you're not a screw up, Rae. At least no more than the rest of us."
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
I'd never thought of myself as not a screw up.
Could Archie be right?
Is it actually possible that even though all this stuff happened, I'm not broken in some way?
"Archie, are you sure I'm not just too broken for you to realise?"
I tried to sound like I was making a joke. But my voice sounded scared, even to me.
"You're not a thing Rae. Things get broken. You're a human being."
I'm a human being. Of course I am, I know that.
Oh fuck. Why are you crying you daft cow?
Archie held her while she cried. He didn't ask her why she cried. He didn't need to. Even if he didn't fully understand, he understood enough.
After a while her tears settled.
"It's been a long time since you let yourself cry I'm guessing."
"I don't like to cry. Especially not in front of people."
"Yeah, but when people love you Rae, you gotta let them help you."
His arms felt like safety, and warmth. And love.
The problem was that I wasn't good with this kind of thing.
At accepting it.
"I can't Archie." She sat up and wiped her eyes.
"Why not?" Archie didn't sound hurt or accusatory. It sounded like he already knew the answer but was just waiting for her to realise it.
"Cos I don't deserve it."
Fuck. Why did I say that? What the fuck?
"Are you human?"
"Archie."
"Rae. Are you a fucking human being?"
"Drop it."
"Rae Earl. Are you a human being or not?"
"Yes Archie. You fucking twat."
"Then you deserve it."
Nothing. No emotion. No thoughts.
It's like my innards have shut down.
Why can't I just accept it?
"And whether you like it or no, you've got my love and respect." He smiled at Rae, in that way that only Archie could.
Oh Archie. Lovely Archie.
He should be a therapist. Or a teacher.
Definitely a father. He should have kids.
He wouldn't screw them up.
"I kind of love you Archie."
"Of course you do!" They hugged and laid down in his bed together, staring at the ceiling. "Also, why is your foot bleeding? All over my bed?"
"Oh fuck. Can you have a look at it?"
"No!"
"Archie!"
"Alright!"
He knelt down on the floor and gingerly took the bandaging off the wound.
"Shit! What did you do Rae?"
"What? Why?"
"You've got 8 stitches!"
"You what?" Rae snatched her own foot up to try and look at it. "Fuck. I trod on glass." She answered the look on Archie's face.
"Walking around bare foot?"
"Yeah."
"Why?
Rae took a deep breath. She didn't really want to talk about it.
"I was at Liam's place."
"Right."
Why does Archie clench up like that when I say Liam's name. I wonder if Archie likes him? Oh fuck. What if he does? Like, like him.
"And we were getting busy."
"Alright." Archie said through tight lips.
Fuck, Archie is really not happy about this. I had no idea he liked Liam so much. Well this'll make him happy.
"And we didn't do it."
"Why?"
"I just couldn't."
"Well, why not?"
He sounds so pleased. I wonder if Liam likes boys too?
"Um. Well. I just stopped. I couldn't go through with it."
There was a strange look on Archie's face. A glint in his eyes.
"Why not?" He needed to know the truth.
Blimey Archie. Keep it in your pants!
"I just. I guess I don't love him. And he definitely does not love me."
"Yeah but loads of people have sex when they don't love each other. Actually as I understand it, that's how most sex happens."
"Yeah but." She didn't really want to tell him this, but it was Archie. "I wanted it to be more special than that." She hesitated, "my first time."
"Oh."
"Yeah. It's embarrassing."
"I'm still a virgin."
It had never occurred to me that Archie was still a virgin. I was so obsessed with losing my own virginity that I didn't even think about someone else's.
I know that Chop and Izzy weren't virgins. Neither was Chloe.
Finn?
Well of course he'd fucked Stacey and Olivia.
Why the fuck was he even interested in my fat ugly body?
Stop thinking about it. You don't need that thought. It's never gonna happen. So let it go Rae!
So maybe Archie and I were the last 2 virgins in the gang.
Because we're different.
Rae hugged Archie tightly.
I've never felt so close to Archie as I did right now. We were the same Archie and I. Outsiders.
It felt so good to finally find someone that actually was just like me.
"Anyway. I left in the middle of the night with half of my clothes in my arms and started walking the fucking streets. Ended up having to go to hospital. And Finn-"
"Finn?" Archie's voice had been sharper than he intended.
"Yeah, he was there when I woke up. The hospital called him."
"Right."
"Just a mix up. I still had his phone number in my wallet."
"Right."
"And we had an argument. And I went home. And me mum had gone through all my stuff and moved it all out. And she were right pissed off about my relationship with my Dad."
"Your Dad's a twat though Rae."
"Don't fucking say that Archie!"
"He fucked off to Portugal and abandoned you without even thinking to let you know. You would have turned up on his doorstep to an empty house. He's a dickhead."
"He's allowed to have his own life."
"Yeah. But he should have told you. I'm sorry Rae, but I'm fed up with everyone I know thinking they deserve no better. It's shite."
Was Archie right? Did I deserve better?
I can't…
No.
Nope.
"Alright Arch. Anyway. What have you been up to?"
"Well I tried to fix Chop and fucked up Izzy."
"Oh fuck."
Does he look pissed?
Yep he's pissed.
Fuck.
"Alright Chop."
"Arch."
"So I wanted to-"
"Shut up Archie."
Ok. This was not going well. He won't even let me speak.
Chop paced for a while. Agitated. He smoked his cigarette and paced. Silently. Archie watched him with growing trepidation.
"It fucking hurt alright?" Chop suddenly exclaimed.
"Well."
"No shut the fuck up Arch!"
Chop continued pacing. He turned aggressively to Archie but Archie refused to flinch.
"But I were being a right fucking twat. And I deserved it. And if Simmy or any dickhead says shit bout you again, I'll fucking deck 'em. You're my mate, and I ought when those dickheads were-"
"Shut the fuck up Chop. It's alright. Ok?" Archie watched Chop's body physically unclench.
"We're alright?"
"Yeah we're alright."
Chop awkwardly hugged Archie.
"I'm not a hugger, it's not that you're-" He apologised as he pulled away.
"It's alright!" Archie smiled encouragingly. "Look I was gonna apologise to you."
"What the fuck for?"
Izzy.
Izzy kissing that boy.
No. Don't think about it Archie.
But Rae told Louis about you being gay, and that ended up being not so bad in the end. Maybe this is the same.
Plus you gotta give him something. Poor Chop.
"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this sooner."
"You fucking twat."
"I were just being honest – like you Rae."
"Like me?"
"Sometimes I try to be like you. It helps."
Images of Tix flashed violently into her head.
I've been trying to be like you…
Tix. I let you down Tix. It's my fault you're dead.
It's my fault Finn's gone.
It's my fault Chloe's gone.
But Finn came back for you too.
It was that voice again. That deeper voice that said unexpected things to her.
"Anyway, take my mind off my fuck up. Tell me more about your argument with your mum."
"Oh yeah, cos that's a pleasant topic of conversation!"
They both chuckled softly.
"Oh I don't know Archie. Everything with her is just so hard."
You're very similar, you know.
That voice again.
"She always gives me food to shut me up. And then I found out that Chloe's mum, never gives her food." She stared at the wall for a moment, really taking that in.
There's a place I go, when everything has gotten so bad.
Images of the pantry cupboard door came to her. All the food inside.
I eat. But Chloe stops eating when things get bad.
"I don't know which is worse." Rae mumbled.
We're the same. But different. Like two sides of the same fucking coin.
"Oh fuck."
"What?" Archie's face was a mess of concern.
"We have to go get Chloe. Her fucking parents won't."
"You what?"
"I have to go and do a few things, come to the pub in an hour and we're gonna go get Chloe, right?"
"Sure."
"Bring your car!"
Is that Rae leaving Archie's place.
Fuck, her foot is still fucking bleeding.
I should help her.
No she doesn't want to fucking see you mate, leave off!
He knocked the door and watched her disappear into the distance.
"I was wondering when you'd show up, you absolute fucking cunt."
"The fuck Arch?"
"You fucking left. You didn't even fucking say goodbye."
"Archie?"
"I am pissed off with you."
"Yeah fair play."
"Come on then." Archie opened the door further to let Finn in and Finn went straight to Archie's room, stopping to say a quick hello to his parents.
"Getting a lot of traffic Archibald." His father grumbled.
"Yeah sorry dad."
"I'm sorry that I left so-"
"Abruptly. Secretively. Dickhead like."
"Yeah, it's just. I'd just broken up with Olivia."
"Yeah. And?"
"Well that's a big deal!"
"No, that was expected."
Why did Archie always see right through me?
Oh right, cos he's my best mate.
"We just weren't right for each other."
"Right."
"So I was feeling sad about that."
"Right. Well you've only been out of college for a few weeks, they might let you back in."
"But I've got a job."
"Right."
"Arch…"
"I don't really care what excuses you're trying to make – we both know the truth. And it's bullshit."
"Yeah."
They sat in silence for a while, Archie angrily staring Finn down. Finn trying to look anywhere but at Archie.
"You know Arch, I used to be jealous that you and Rae were so close."
"Right. Why?"
"Because I thought she didn't know you was gay. I thought she liked you."
"And not you."
Finn lowered his eyes and nodded his head.
"Have you told her that you still have feelings for her? That you left cos you couldn't handle them?"
"Not sure she wants to hear it, Arch."
"Right."
They sat in silence for a few moments. Finn bit his bottom lip and fidgeted with his sleeves. Archie crossed his arms, cocked his head and continued to stare at Finn.
"Can I tell you something Archie?" Finn didn't wait for him to reply for continuing, "She thinks I'm better than her. That I deserve better. That's crazy."
"Well Rae is mad, Finn. We know that. She told us."
"But I always thought…" He looked away, embarrassed, "I always thought she was better than me."
"Why the fuck would you think that?"
"What? You saying she's not?!" Finn stood up angrily.
"Yeah, you're definitely broke up with Olivia cos you just weren't a match." Archie snarked. "I'm not saying Rae isn't brilliant – cos she is. I'm just asking why you think she's better than you."
"Cos I'm a bit of a grumpy sod aren't I? I think I'm pretty boring. And I know a lot of girls think I'm fit, but I just don't see it."
"Right." Archie started to laugh, but tried valiantly to keep it in as he motioned for Finn to continue.
"What?"
"Just tell me more." Archie answered with real mirth.
"Well Rae's just so clever and funny. And she's dead sexy. And so kind and she just knows what to say and do. And she makes me feel…" He struggled to find the words, "invincible. I feel like there's nothing can touch me – I can do anything. Cos she…" He lowered his eyes, "well I thought she loved me."
"Right. And di you tell her all of that?"
"No." Finn looked embarrassed again.
"At the risk of fucking repeating myself: why not?"
"Cos I don't know how to say it to her."
"Open your fucking mouth, kind of like what you just did with me."
"I'd sound like a fucking twat saying all that stuff to her."
Archie looked at Finn like he was simply the stupidest person on the planet.
I hate it when Archie looks at me like that. He's so much smarter than me.
"Finn mate…" Archie seemed lost for words and then smiled ironically, before saying "why?"
"Cos it's not like she doesn't already know it right? I bet a hundred other guys have already told her a million times better than I ever could."
"Right."
"Like when we were at football right, these two blokes were sitting in the stands, and they was laughing and Rae thinks I didn't hear what they said, but I fucking did. I heard every fucking word – they was talking about how good her knockers was. I've heard so any guys say stuff about big girls and how they'd like a piece. I mean it's fucked up right, but… she's already heard all that stuff. Anything I say is gonna seem… kinda… pathetic." He finished dejectedly. "There's always someone talking about Rae." He added. "She's brilliant."
"And you're sure they're all saying good stuff?"
"Well why wouldn't they be?" Finn looked genuinely confused.
Archie sighed.
"Really?"
Finn nodded and Archie sighed again.
"Ok." He prepared his words carefully, "people are twats Finn."
"I know."
"Why do you think people call me a fag?"
"Twats." Finn reminded him.
"Yeah well, I'm different. And Rae's different too. And people notice, and be… twat-ish about it."
"I know Rae's different."
"Cos she's big."
"Yeah I know she's big. But that's not why she's different. She's different cos she's my girl."
"No Finn, she's not. Not anymore."
"She's different cos I love her."
Archie smiled sympathetically.
"I know you do. You guys had an argument today?"
"Yeah, I was out of line, I was nagging her."
"From what I see of you two – you're both dickheads. You both need to talk proper to each other and sort this shite out."
"Please don't be mad at me anymore." Finn said after a long silence spent looking at his shoes.
"So you'll be re-enrolling in college then?"
"I dunno."
Archie looked up at the clock on his wall.
"Fuck. I've gotta go, I'll be back in a few minutes right?"
"Sure ok."
Archie got up to leave, turned to see Finn's miserable face and decided to take mercy on him.
"I forgive you. Don't do it again." He reached out and they hugged each other. "You're my best mate, I've missed you."
They'll be here soon.
All I can think about is how Chloe doesn't eat. And I do eat.
Food's a funny thing innit?
You need it to survive, and yet so many girls don't eat it, and then some like me, eat too much of it.
But I don't binge eat anymore.
I keep thinking about what Chloe wrote in her diary, how her mum controlled what she ate. No wonder she's so skinny.
We need food to live, and our parents have complete control over how and what and when we eat. It's so easy for someone to abuse that power, and not even know they were doing it. Maybe think they were doing us a favour.
But they wasn't.
Chloe restricted. I binged.
And when I look at our mum's – they're the same s us. My mum diets then binges. Chloe's mum controls what she eats at all times.
Food and all this shite we're told – it's like some fucking open warfare on your mind. On the mind of girls mostly.
If girls like Chloe, and even Izzy, can't like their bodies because of this stuff, how was I expected to.
"My head hurts."
"You know what's good for a headache, love? Orgasms."
Oh fuck.
It's fucking Saul.
His mouth. Is. Near. my fucking ear.
I'd forgotten about him.
"Fuck off Saul." Her voice didn't sound nearly as strong as she was hoping. She felt her innards contract and saw that her hands were shaking.
"Don't be a frigid bitch." The last word came out like a slow sinuous hiss as his hand crept up her side and onto her breast.
Rae jumped up and slapped his face.
"I said fuck off!"
"You fat cunt." Saul grabbed her by the throat, a couple of blokes nearby stood up, but they didn't get the chance to respond as a foot kicked into the back of Saul's knee and he fell to his knees instantly.
He turned to look at who was responsible and a fist crashed into his left eye.
"Get the fuck away from her. When a girl says no, she fucking means it."
Saul scrambled to his feet with a smirk on his face.
"What are you gonna do about it?"
Rae turned to look at who her saviour was.
Oh fuck.
How is this even happening?
Olivia smiled wryly and cocked her head to the side almost sweetly.
"This." She answered as she swung her leg upward with all the force she could muster. Saul went down like a ton of bricks cupping his balls and crying out in pain.
"Filth." Olivia said as she turned her back on him.
By that time a couple of the blokes who had stood up before came over to usher Saul out, he was messing up the ambience, and being a dick to the ladies. Olivia thanked them graciously, Rae nodded in shock to them.
"Rae." Olivia smiled at her.
"Olivia?" Rae answered breathlessly. "Thanks."
"It's alright. I hate dickheads like that."
Rae nodded in agreement.
"I actually saw you from outside and decided to come in a see how you were." She continued hesitantly.
"Oh you know. Fine."
"Just having a guy sexually assault you. And you're fine?"
I hadn't thought of it like that. I guess I just always figured boys would be like that. But then I knew they weren't. Cos I knew Finn. And Archie. And Chop. Fuck it, even Liam wasn't like that.
Oh fuck, what was I gonna do about Liam?
"Yeah, you know." Rae answered, "It's not the first time."
"No. I don't suppose it is." Olivia looked at her hand, it ached a little from the punch she'd thrown. "You should still learn self-defence yeah? I'd hate for anything to happen to you."
"Yeah thanks, I will."
"You're as strong as he said you are." She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. But then she smiled ruefully, "he never stopped talking about you."
"I'm sorry you guys broke up."
This is getting really awkward.
"No you're not. And that's fine. Besides, I knew it would happen. I thought that maybe I could get him to be over you. But I never could. I realised it was more than infatuation. He's in love you girl."
Rae looked back at Olivia silently. The shock danced across her face momentarily before she replaced it with confusion.
"No, I don't think so."
"Not everything is the way you think it is, Rae."
"Yeah I know."
"Yeah well. I've overstepped my mark, so I'll just go and... Leave you to it then."
Rae watched Olivia walk away. With her perfect body and her amazing fashion sense and her amazing arse-kicking ability.
Fuck it, I like her!
But why did she say that stuff to me.
That Finn… loves me?
Because it's true.
Well I can't that, it's not like he's ever said it to me.
Images of Finn, moments shared in time with him. The looks on his face. The way he teased her. Rae looked up as 'Spaceman' by Babylon Zoo played in her mind. The way he always waited for her, wanted to see her. The way his voice sounded when she had broken up with him.
He asked me what he'd done wrong.
Tears formed in her eyes. Even after that, he was the one that tried to teach her to defend herself when all that shit was going down with Amy. What had Liam done? He had done everything he could for her.
"I've fucked everything up."
Rae grabbed her diary from her bag and tore a page out of it. On it she wrote a list of things she needed to fix.
The gang
Mum
Chloe
She counted Finn as one of the gang.
After everything I've done to him, there's no way he'd still love me. Or even like me.
It was always a lost course. Girls like me don't get to be happy. We always settle. We always take anything we can get. We don't deserve any better.
She wiped her eyes dry, pocketed the letter and put her diary back in her bag, just in time to see a smiling Archie walk through the door. Moments later, Izzy and Chop were also there.
"Why's he's here?"
"Why's she here?"
I had left notes at Chop's and Izzy's places saying to come to the pub I wanted a chat. It had been a perfect plan, get the gang all in one place, and I could get the gang back together. But here they were arguing. They may as well have been pointing guns at each other in some sort of fucking stand-off.
It'd be easier gluing dogshit to the wind
The car ride was fucking awful. Chop kept insisting it was Izzy's fault, and she said it was Archie's fault. And in the end I just had to say it was everyone's fault.
"But mostly Izzy's"
"No Chop!" It's everyone's fault!"
I was adamant. Probably for the first time in my life.
"We all let the gang break up – we all did it. Every single fucking one of is, has to take responsibility for our own actions."
Fuck, do I sound like my mum?
Fuck.
Oh fuck who cares?
The care fell into silence.
I hope they're all thinking about what they've done.
You should think about what you've done.
I know.
It was getting easier to speak to that other voice. Mostly cos it seems to be always right.
Fuck, am I mad, all these voices in my head?
Wait, yeah, I AM mad!
Fuck.
Anyway, I thought over all the times I'd been a shit friend. Yeah Chloe had been a shit friend to me too, but it wasn't all one sided. Then I thought about the times I'd been a shit daughter, yeah my mum was a pretty shit mum sometimes, but sometimes she really wasn't.
And then Finn.
Finn
The more I thought about him, the more I realised I couldn't include him as part of the gang on my list of things to fix.
I done so many shit things to Finn.
I needed to speak to him alone.
Quite urgently.
He's probably back in Leeds by now.
What's that Izzy?
"I kissed him because I… well I wanted to have more experience."
What?" Chop was a mixture of outraged, disgusted and incredulous.
"It's just you kept talking about all the orgasm you'd had, and all the girls."
"I never said girls."
"Then how'd you have them orgasms?"
Archie started to chuckle softly and Rae felt herself having to force the giggles down.
"This is serious Archie. Stop it." Rae said softly out of the side of her mouth.
"No, this is fucking surreal, this is."
"Oh fuck." Chop was saying.
"Anyway, I wanted to have some more experience so you wouldn't get bored of me. And Matthew, well he didn't know if he was gay or not. And he said, cos I knew a gay boy, that maybe I could help him. So I thought, I could kiss him, and have some more experience, and help him out with his gay thing. But you can't tell no one about Matthew."
"You're fucking joking." Chop shook his head.
"See I knew you wouldn't understand. You're so jealous all the time Chop, and you never think my ideas are good."
"Well that idea wasn't."
"See!"
"No wait, most of them are great. I just. I don't know how to make them happen."
"What ideas?" Rae asked.
"Like building our own house from scratch." Izzy responded.
"How am I gonna get the money for that?"
"Um Archie, why has the car stopped?" Rae asked.
"I left the cat in my room, so you have to go and let him out." Archie replied, "I'll look after these two."
"Oh fine whatever." She took the keys from Archie and headed to his house.
All three watched her go.
"Oh fuck! They're gonna fuck in my bed." Archie said with a frown.
"You what?" Chop asked.
"Finn's in there." Archie nodded towards his home.
"Oooooh!" Izzy grinned.
"Oh fuck you Archie." Rae said straight to Finn's face as she saw him sitting in Archie's room.
So it wasn't just me making clever schemes to get people together to talk it seems. Archie was being a bloody bastard too.
The look on Finn's face made it quite clear that he had not been expecting to see her either.
"Look," Rae said hurriedly, "Archie obviously thinks that we need to talk, and he's probably right. But he doesn't realise how much trouble Chloe's in."
"Chloe's in trouble?"
And there it was.
Chloe and Finn would make a perfect couple.
I had to let him go, once and for all.
No more repressing how I felt about him so I could just get through the day.
No more pining for him.
I had to let him go and be happy.
"Chloe really fancies you, you know."
"She's my mate. I really don't see her that way Rae."
"Well, maybe."
"No. Not maybe. Archie's right, we need to talk. And if we need to go and help Chloe right now, that means we don't have a whole lot of time to at least start the talking in."
"Ok, well I'll go first."
What do I say?
How do I say that I am hopelessly in love with him?
That I always have been, that I always will be?
That I fucked everything up.
"I fucked everything up. I didn't break up with you because of anything you did. It was because of me. I didn't think I deserved you, so I ran away from it. It was so painful to even be with you, knowing how worthless I were compared to you. I'm just nothing. And you Finn…. You're everything."
She saw pain flash across his face, saw him lower his eyes, saw tears forming.
Fuck. He knows he has to break my heart now and it's hard for him to do it because of this shite I just said. Fuck.
Make it better Rae.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. And I know what I did was unforgiveable. So, I guess, the best I can hope for is that we just pretend that this is the first time we've ever met and we go from there. Yeah?"
Finn took a deep breath.
"Ok."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but before we do that. I want to say a few things."
He turned and looked out the window fort a minute. He had no clue how to say things like this to her.
"I always thought that I weren't good enough for you Rae. You're brilliant." He said as he turned back to her, "and you really don't know it do you? And it's breaking my fucking heart, because it's my fault."
"What?"
"I asked you what I did wrong, when you broke up with me. You didn't tell me. But I figured it out."
"Didn't you hear me? You didn't do anything wrong Finn!"
"If I had just told you, anything about what I think and feel about you, just one fucking word of it; maybe you would have seen yourself for how you really are… even if just for a few moments. But I never said nought. I didn't know how to. And I'm so sorry for that. And I know what I did is not something that deserves forgiving. So I think, I would be really fucking lucky, if you agreed to pretend that we just met now for the first time. And I won't fuck it up this time."
I don't even know what to think.
How can he blame himself?
Beautiful, perfect Finn.
I don't understand. It was all my fault.
But Rae, he never did tell you that you're beautiful.
Cos I'm not!
But not everything is the way you think it is.
Oh fuck he's looking at me. With his fucking perfect face. Oh fuck.
I love him.
No we agreed, we're meeting for the first time.
Say something, you twat.
"Ok."
"Ok. So Hi, my name's Finn." He held out his hand to her to shake it.
"I'm Rae." She shook his hand.
"Rae as in Raymond." His face had the ghost of a smile as they remembered past moments.
"No, as in Rachel."
"Oh. Well Rachel, it's nice meeting you. You look truly beautiful today. I hope that's not too forward of me."
"No. It's fine."
"Now a little birdy me Rae, that you have a best friend that needs your help."
"Yeah."
"Can I help you with that?"
"Please do."
"Well that was quick." Archie said as they clambered into the car.
"What do you mean?" Rae asked with a dangerous tone.
"You two did it right?" Izzy asked excited.
"What? No!" Rae answered, her face flaming red.
"Oh, tough break mate, still got your v-plates then?" Chop said to Finn.
The car was silent for a moment.
"What the fuck are you talking about Chop, Finn's fucked Stacey and Olivia."
"No, cos he wasn't ready with Stacey, and he wasn't over you with Olivia, so-"
"Anyway!" Izzy chimed in, realising that Finn needed saving.
Rae looked over her shoulder at Finn, who saw her look at him then lowered his eyes and bit his bottom lip.
Oh fuck. Could it be true?
Not Finn.
Not fittest boy in school, Finn.
Not sex wizard, Finn.
I've been worried that if he saw me, he'd compare me to those other bodies he'd seen. Was it possible that I'd be the first body he'd see up close and personal?
Oh god, what if we got naked together?
Oh fuck!
Finn actually thought he wasn't good enough for her.
Was it possible that he really truly did like her?
Wait a minute – did the whole gang just know that Finn still liked her?
How the fuck did I not know this?
Everything is fucking upside down!
"Chop and I are back together!"
"Yeah – the guy she kissed is gay too. Hey Archie?"
"No." Archie shook his head.
"Oh that's great!" Finn answered Izzy genuinely.
"I knew you just needed to talk things through." Rae bragged.
"Yeah. Talk things through." Chop said meaningfully as he looked from her to Finn. Izzy nodded her head gravely.
"Just drop it yeah?' Finn said.
"Yeah, we've got Chloe to go and rescue!" Rae backed him up. "Focus guys!"
"The fuck do you want" Ian's surly voice put her on edge, but Rae straightened her back. All the gang were behind her now.
"I've come for Chloe."
"Fuck off. She's mine." He started to slam the door in Rae face, but Finn stepped forward and kicked the door in as it swung shut. The door shot back on its hinges and hit Ian in the face.
"Fuck me!" He doubled over and held his bleeding mouth.
Rae knew he was dangerous. And out of nowhere, something that a friend of sorts had accidentally taught her came into her mind.
She swung her foot as hard as she could and kicked Ian squarely in the groin. He keeled over cradling his balls, and the three boys all inhaled painfully.
"Holy fuck." Archie breathed.
"Remind me not to get on your bad side!" Chop said with respect.
Rae turned to look at Finn. His face seemed proud.
Proud?
Of me?
"Right, Chop and me'll stay here with this twat, you three look for Chloe." Archie turned to look at Ian rolling painfully on the floor.
"Got it." Rae answered.
"Be careful." Izzy said to Chop and they kissed, for rather a long time, everyone else trying to not notice. Eventually Rae cleared her throat loudly to make them stop.
"Yeah, you too." Chop breathed.
Rae headed straight for Ian's room, Izzy and Finn in tow.
She slammed open the door. Chloe was huddled in a corner, seemingly out of it. She wore just underwear and a singlet top.
"Chloe?" Rae's voice shook. Izzy and Finn were shocked.
Chloe looked up at Rae. Blood dribbled from her nose and fierce bruises spread out from under her left eye down her cheek and jawline.
"Is that a cigarette burn?" Rae hardly herd Finn's question, because yes, there on Chloe's lovely, perfect thigh, was a fresh cigarette burn.
"What are you doing here?" Chloe tried to sound unaffected. She stood up shakily.
"Oh my god." Izzy whispered.
I hadn't realised how much weight she'd lost. She was so thin, I thought that the breath of a whisper would break her in two. Oh Chloe, my Chloe.
"What happened?"
"It's nothing Rae. Ian just bought some mates around. We were having a laugh. Were an accident."
"I'm getting you out of this fucking house." Rae walked across the room and held out her hand to Chloe.
"No. I'm fine." She said as she sat on the bed and rolled a cigarette for herself.
"Do you even realise that your nose is bleeding?"
"Is it?" Chloe wiped her nose with the back of arm.
"Come on Chloe. We're going." Rae insisted.
"Why are you even here Rae?"
"Because you're my best friend!"
"You don't care about me!"
Oh fuck.
I had to get her out of here before that dickhead Ian got on his feet. Or before his mated came over.
I had to tell her the truth.
"I do care about you Chloe. And I've been a really shit friend. In fact, I did, probably the shittiest thing I've ever done to you yesterday."
"I didn't see you yesterday." Chloe dismissed her words.
"I found your diary. And unlike you, who only read one page of my diary. Thank fuck. I read all of yours."
"Why would you do that Rae?" She seemed too exhausted to be as angry as she should be.
"At first, I think I was just looking for proof of what a bitch you were. You abandoned me to Saul, you weren't showing up to school and that fucking performance thing… but the more I read it, the more I realised that you're really not a bitch. Really, really not a bitch. And that I really am a bitch. And that I have been a really shit friend to you. And I really don't deserve to have a friend like you Chloe. Cos you're brilliant. Now in the past, when I thought I didn't deserve someone, I kinda just ran away from them."
Rae's eyes strayed towards Finn who was looking gravely at her.
"But I'm not doing that anymore. The only person that can decide whether I deserve them or not, is that person, not me. I'm not gonna run away this time."
Rae again looked meaningfully at Finn, but quickly refocussed.
"I', still a fuck. I'm still mad. I'm still fat. And I can't guarantee that I won't mess up again. But I'm gonna try harder Chloe. I really am. And I'm so sorry. So please get up and leave this house with me. I know everything has been my fault Chloe, and I'm sorry."
"Wait." Izzy said quietly. "Look, to me, it looks like you both made mistakes sometimes. And sometimes you were both really awesome. I mean, to me it always looked like you were best friends who really loved each other. I always wished I could have a best friend like either one of you. I don't think it's any one person's fault."
"What are you talking about?" Chloe asked Izzy incredulously.
"I mean, I think you're both equally to blame and not to blame. If that makes any sense."
"No Izzy. I mean – we ARE your best friends." Chloe said with a painful smile. Izzy looked at Rae who nodded her head.
"Get over here you daft cow!" Chloe held up her arms and Izzy practically ran into them.
Chloe, Izzy and Rae hugged on Ian's bed.
"As for you Rae." Chloe said as the hug ended, "I forgive you. I always will. You're my best friend." She looked at Izzy, "well, one of my two best friends."
"So." Finn said awkwardly, "we should probably leave.
"Yeah. Let me just get my stuff."
When they came back out into the lounge room, Chloe with some pants on and her hair pulled back roughly, Ian was sitting on the lounge looking pale. Chop and Archie were standing near the front door glaring at him.
"Chlo." He said smugly, "See you in a week after you clean yourself up."
"I'm not coming back."
"Ok." He said without any belief in what she was saying. Rae turned to look at Chloe, she was wavering, starting to cry.
"Oi dickhead she said she's not coming back!"
"Sluts like her can't help themselves."
"You don't ever fucking touch her again." Rae yelled at him.
"So that's why you didn't fuck Saul – you're a dyke."
"Yeah well, she's better in bed than you." Chloe walked from the house without another word or a backward glance.
Rae shrugged at Ian.
"It's true. I am."
"Holy fuck Chlo, we gotta get you to the hospital love." Chop said as he took her into his arms.
"Oh shit! That reminds me. I've got a therapy session in a few minutes."
"That's ok." Finn said, "We're heading to the hospital anyway, we'll probably still be in the waiting room by the time you're done."
"Oh fuck, I'm sorry Chloe."
"No, it's ok Rae, you have to go."
Archie looked at his car and then back at the 6 of them.
"Izzy on Chop's lap yeah?"
"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to."
"And now what happens with Liam" His voice was relieved.
"I dunno. Nothing I guess. I mean, I hope we can make a friendship. But I think he's got a lot of stuff to work out first."
"Yes."
"Yeah."
"And what else is happening?"
"Oh I don't know. A lot of stuff."
"You seem distracted."
"I am. Chloe's in the waiting room. I feel like I'm letting her down being here instead of out there with her."
"It's important to take time for yourself as well as be there for your friends."
"Yeah but she just got beat up by this arsehole of a dickhead, right, and I kinda went there with the gang to get her, and now I'm here, when I should be out there with her."
"She was beaten?"
"Yeah. Remember that guy who tried it on. He… sexually assaulted me?"
"He raped you?" Kester's voice shook.
"No… Isn't sexual assault just touching wrong and shit? And that's not the point anyway. The point is, that his mate was going after Chloe. That's who I left her with in that house. I can't believe I left her there. I mean he was worse than Saul!"
"Is she alright?"
"I don't think so. I think she should be seeing you."
Kester looked at the clock and then at Rae.
"Ok." He got up and opened the door, "introduce me to your friends."
I was exhausted. But I had fixed most of the problems on my list. There was just one more to go today.
My mum.
She'd probably be the hardest nut to crack too.
Plus I'm home so late. After what I said to her.
Oh fuck.
But I had to wait with Chloe.
I'll just have to tell her.
She'll never let me leave the house again.
If she even cares about me anymore. Especially after all the shit I've done.
You know what no – it's like what Izzy said – I've done shit, but she's done shit too. You can do this Rae.
Rae opened the front door to see her mother looking at her from the lounge.
Oh fuck, she's lying in wait for me.
She is right proper angry with me.
Fuck.
Say something before she does.
"I were at the hospital!"
Ok, her face isn't quite so murderous.
"Chloe got beaten up by her boyfriend."
Linda nodded taking in this information.
"I'm sorry that I didn't call. But I couldn't leave her."
Linda just nodded again.
"And I'm sorry about what I said before. About your baby. I just-"
"Rae shut up."
"No you have to listen to me. I'm really sorry this time."
"No Rae. My waters just broke."
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
What the fucking fuck am I going to fucking do?
"Oh fuck! The carpet's all fucking wet!"
"Of course it fucking is! Call an ambulance!"
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck.
Where is the fucking ambulance?
Oh fuck, she's crying out in pain again.
What the fuck do I fucking do?
"Mum, I'm really scared, I don't know what to do. What can I do?"
"It's fine Rae." But Rae's name was mangled in a cry of pain.
After a moment Linda got her breath back.
"Call Karim's workplace, and tell them."
"Right. Ok. I can do that!"
"Tell them this baby's coming quick - he's got to hurry!"
Oh shit.
It's ok.
It's fine.
Everything's fine.
I'm fine.
Mum's fine.
There's not a fucking problem in the world.
"What can you see?"
"Well, besides your vagina, not a lot."
"Ok, at least it hasn't started crowning yet."
"What's crowning."
"You do know where babies come from right Rae?"
"Of course I do."
Where the fuck is the ambulance.
Oh fucking fuck.
No. This can't be happening.
"Karim just called. There's been a car accident. Traffic's all backed."
How can my voice be so calm and pleasant when the whole fucking world is ending?
"Right." Linda gritted her teeth through the next contraction. "You'll have to do it then."
"You what?"
"I'm pretty sure the baby's crowning. You'll have to catch it."
"Catch it?"
Catch it?
CATCH IT?
What? Like a fucking rugby ball?
How the fuck am I meant to catch a fucking baby?
A fucking baby that's just come out my mum's vagina!
Fuck off!
Ok, so the view of the vagina has changed quite a bit.
There's a giant fucking top of a baby's head poking out.
How the fuck does that even happen?
I am fucking cured of horniness for fucking ever.
"Ok Rae, I need you to just gently guide the baby's head, ok?"
"Sure."
Sure. Not a problem. Do this kind of thing every day.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The baby's head seemed to slide out with an almighty scream from Linda into Rae's hand.
Oh god, look at its little alien face, all mushed up.
"You might have to turn it a little to help the shoulders out. But be careful right?"
"Mum! It's not moving. I don't think it's breathing!"
Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.
I think the baby's dead.
No no no nonononono
"That's ok Rae. It's fine. Just guide-" Her words were cut short by another contraction and she pushed as hard as she could.
The baby came out all the way and Rae pulled it in to her arms. Blood smeared onto her shirt, but she didn't care.
Please be alive you fucking little shit of a baby.
Please.
Please.
And then it let out an almighty cry.
Rae felt tears sting her eyes.
"It's ok. It's fine! It's boy!"
"Can I have him?"
"Fuck mum! It's attached to your clacker!"
"That's the umbilical cord, still attached to the afterbirth Rae."
"Right, of course." Rae looked down at her little brother. "I'm gonna look after you. Make sure this world doesn't fuck you up." She held him close as he cried.
Linda closed her eyes in exhaustion. And let Rae hold him for a while.
"Ok Rae, I need to have him now."
"Yeah! Sorry! Of course!"
In the distance the wail of a siren grew steadily closer as Linda held her son in one arm.
Rae crept up beside her on the lounge and Linda took her fiercely into her other arm.
"He's definitely got some of Karim in him."
"Yeah." Linda agreed.
"He's so little. I can't believe I was ever this little."
"Well you were."
"I'm really sorry mum. I were being self-centred."
Linda nodded.
"So was I. And I have to birth the placenta, ok?"
"Ok."
Rae got up to help, but lights flashed on their driveway.
The ambulance was finally here.
When they got to the hospital Karim was anxiously waiting for them. He saw Rae covered in blood and instantly went over to her to give her a hug.
"Is ok yes?"
"We've got a boy!" Rae exclaimed.
Karim took her into his arms and laughed happily. A moment later Linda was wheeled in with their son. Karim went to them and Rae collapsed down into a seat.
"Mum. I might go home, is that ok. I'm just really tired."
"Yeah. You'll be ok?"
"Yeah. Can I get a cab?"
"Absolutely."
So today was exhausting, but overall successful.
I am so ready to sleep. And have a really long shower first though.
I'm actually proud of myself. I think I did pretty good today.
Finn was waiting on the doorstep.
Rae paid the cab driver and stared at him blankly for a moment.
"What are you doing here?"
"What's wrong?" He was clearly panicked. "What happened?"
"What? Oh the blood, the blood!" Rae laughed, "My mum gave birth. I had look right at her vagina and catch the fucking baby. It were mad."
Finn stared at her in silence for a moment before he started to laugh.
"Don't fucking laugh! One day you might have to do it."
"Hopefully." He looked at her and his mirth settled down, "in the future."
"What are you doing here Finn?"
"I." He lowered his eyes and stepped closer to her. Rae could see her neighbour looking out the window at them. "I wanted to see you. I can't stop thinking about you Rae."
"I thought we were supposed to be starting new."
"Yeah. And if I had just met you, and seen what I seen of you today, I'd have fallen in love with you. The problem is, I already know you. And I'm already in love with you. So. So here I am."
I have no clue what to say.
He loves me.
Finn.
Perfect Finn.
"I love you too."
"Don't say it unless you mean it."
How things had changed. It were me before who couldn't believe that he'd like me. And now he can't believe that I'd love him.
"I do mean it. And if you don't believe me Finn Nelson, I'll prove it. Every fucking day."
He raised his eyes and s mile started to caress his lips. The same smile Rae could feel on her own lips.
She lowered her eyes and stepped closer to him. She could feel his breath on her face. His hand went to her hips, and she felt her own hands seeking out his chest.
They kissed; a long, aching kiss.
"I've missed you Rae." His voice was thick with emotion, "I never thought, I'd get to touch you again."
"Me too. Come in. I need to shower, and we should talk more." \He nodded and she took him by the hand and led him inside.
"Right, so, I'm going to shower and, um, you…"
"Can I join you?"
Instantly he regretted saying it. He was moving too fast. That's part of what fucked it up the first time.
"I mean it's ok if you don't want to-"
"Yeah. You can."
Why the fuck did I say that.
Fuck.
Now he's not only gonna see me naked for sure, it's gonna be in harsh overhead fucking fluorescent lighting.
God I'm a twat.
He followed her up the stairs, butterflies in his stomach. They got to her near pitch black room; only the street light glowing in from outside illuminated them.
"I'm kinda nervous about you seeing me naked." Finn said unexpectedly.
"Why?"
"I don't like my body."
"Well I'm quite fond of it."
I didn't even know boys ever had thoughts like this.
What the fuck is going on with the world.
Oh fuck, he's kissing my neck.
Oh fuck – I like that.
She could feel he was shaking.
Just like she was.
"I have to get these fucking clothes of Finn; they're covered in blood." She whispered as she took her top off without thinking. It was only as she stood there in her bra in front of him that it dawned on her that he could see her. The room might be dim, but it was not so dark that he could not see her.
She turned to look at him, shame in her eyes. He would turn away in disgust. She knew it.
My mind is completely blank. I don't even know what to think.
"Oh my god." He breathed the words.
What the fuck does that mean.
"You're so fucking sexy." He took his own shirt off and put his arms around her lustily.
Oh fuck.
Is that what I think it is pressing against me?
Is that… is that Finn's cock?
Is he hard?
Fuck. Me.
"I have to shower." She stopped his hands on their journey to touch every part of her.
He took her by the hand and led her towards the bathroom.
Oh my god, when did he take his pants off?
Oh fuck! Where the fuck are my pants. When the fuck did that happen?
Oh no. I'm not even wearing a bra.
That sneaky fucker!
Well at least I get to look at that arse again.
Still makes me weep.
"Stop looking at me, it's freaking me out." Rae said as they waited for the water to warm up. Finn only smiled at her with so much lust on his face it was impossible to disguise.
"Stop looking so fucking happy with yourself." Rae quipped with an equally lusty grin on her own face, but tinged with fear and worry.
In response he took her face between his hands and kissed her.
Oh fuck. This kiss is so dirty that I am gushing everywhere. I'm gonna fucking drown us.
No, I'm gonna fucking flood the whole county.
Jesus on a fucking sidecar, where'd he learn to kiss like that?
He pulled away and looked at her for a long moment, the intensity of emotion in his eyes made Rae's whole body sing. The last part of her worry seemed to just vanish in the steam as the water heated up. He loved her. It wasn't that it didn't matter that she was fat, he still liked her in spite of that. It was that he loved her. All of her.
Dear Diary
It were nice showering with Finn. He took the soap and washed me. I never knew washing a body could be so fucking dirty.
So sexy.
And then he knelt down in front of me and buried his face in my vagina, while I just stood there, hot water running all over me.
I have never had an orgasm like that before, I nearly fell over and broke the fucking shower.
We went to bed after that.
He didn't ask me to suck his cock or anything, he just wanted to focus on me. It were really nice.
He made sure I had so many orgasms that I think my vagina is broken today. Or it needs a bit of a rest. Well, at least until I see Finn again tonight.
I'm finally going to show him that sexy underwear.
And I have no worries of what he'll think.
I know what he thinks.
He told me, he told me all the things he thinks about me.
We barely slept last night. Plus we did it more than once. We did it three times.
I didn't even know that were possible.
The first time, our bodies pressed together and he were inside of me it was the absolute best moment of my life so far.
Eight and half minutes later, I found out who Finn really was, when he didn't get up to leave as soon as he were done.
I can't even imagine what I was so worried about.
All these years of hating my body and thinking no one would ever like it.
Hurting Finn, and myself like that because I believed that lie.
Why did I ever let that happen?
Liam told me no one can change.
That's not true. I can feel the change in me today.
I understand now that even though I don't look like… Chloe… for example… that doesn't mean that I'm anything other than beautiful.
Kester said that loving yourself is a lifelong journey. And I think he's right. I think I'll still have to work at this. But today, it seems like I finally got on the right path. All this time I was just pointed the wrong way on the wrong path. Today I realise that there's no wrong way to have a body.
Last night Finn taught me that even if you're 16 stone and crazy as they come, you're still loveable.
This morning, Finn had to go and see his dad, so when he went he kissed me goodbye and his fingertips lingered on my cheek. It were the most amazing thing.
There is actually nothing on this planet as sexy as my boyfriend.
Finn is my boyfriend again.
And this time, I will not run away from him.
Cos I'm not scared anymore.