Plot Holes of Doom : How Colonel Hotpants Saved the Day
A Stargate Atlantis Story containing:
Satire.
Mild Slash.
Plot Holes of Doom!
CHATER ONE: IN WHICH SHEPPARD AND O'NEILL ARE IN A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP UNTIL O'NEILL SUDDENLY RUNS OFF WITH MCKAY.
Colonel John Hotpants scrutinised the available data carefully.
This wasn't good.
He bit his lip thoughtfully, wondering how he might present the facts to Doctor Weird without scaring her and everyone else on Atlantis half to death.
This wasn't good at all.
He sighed and put the mirror back in his drawer of secret girly accessories. Oh well. He would just have to be brave. There were four hairs not out of place on his head, and until the Daedalus arrived laden down with product, there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it.
Shrugging into his uniform, and the most ridiculously tight pair of Season Two Pants he could find, Colonel Hotpants couldn't help but feel that events in his life were somehow conspiring against him. Why did his bad hair day have to come about today of all days? General Jack O'Kneel was due to arrive on Atlantis any minute, having hitched a ride half way across the Pegasus galaxy with Colonel Skinhead. The Daedalus wasn't scheduled to arrive on Atlantis for another three days yet, but as the bearer of exciting, important and potentially ratings-worthy news O'Kneel was going to send himself by Asguard beaming technology directly onto the roof. From there, he would parachute onto the balcony on the East pier, shimmy down a drainpipe and rappel himself directly into Doctor Weird's office – provided she left the window open.
Colonel Hotpants sighed again, this time in admiration. It was just like O'Kneel to do something reckless and terribly brave like that. He would arrive in Weird's office, looking all imposing and windswept, and all the while snarking sarcastically in a modest attempt to underplay the gravity of the situation. And all without a single hair out of place! Hotpants licked his lips wistfully. There were so many things he loved about his boyfriend. He just wished O'Kneel would up and get here so he could tell him personally!
Doctor Weird was already in her office when Colonel Hotpants came striding in, his impossibly tight Season Two Pants already slipping strangely off his hips and exposing his electric blue thong underneath. Weird was busy overseeing the addition of yet another new shelf to store her vast collection of phallic ornaments from the Athosian home world, and did not notice his entrance, or his hair.
His eyes wandered disinterestedly over Weird's collection of leering statuettes, anatomically incorrect figurines and writhing totems, while in his mind he tried to come up with the single one thing he liked best about O'Kneel. In the end he decided it was a toss up between the snarking and the hair.
There was nothing Hotpants liked better than a bit of old-fashioned snarking. It made his brain throb and his pulse race and his temperature soar, and it put him in the mood for romance. Couple that with a hairstyle that screamed 'I don't care' while at the same time maintaining just the right balance of texture and fluffiness, and well…. What more could you ask for in a man?
Hotpants was so caught up in his daydream that he didn't notice that the shelf-building carpenter extras had left and that Doctor Elizabeth Weird was now alone.
"Colonel!" Weird's voice cut through his daydream and Hotpants had to adjust this ridiculously tight Season Two Pants which had suddenly become very uncomfortable.
"What?" he blinked, his hand straying automatically to his hair.
"Quick!" said Weird, "General O'Kneel will be here any minute. Where do you think I should display this to its best advantage?" She waved a small figurine at him. Hotpants tried not to look. He hoped that the statuette Doctor Weird was waving was a likeness of an elephant. And he prayed that she was grasping it by its trunk.
"Look Elizabeth, I don't know. I've got other problems right now, if you haven't noticed," he complained, waiting for her to notice and react to his hair.
Weird's eyes however never left the elephant figurine. "Hmm, well maybe over here next to the naked dancing nymphs," she murmured. "Or over there beside the disproportionately endowed hunters?"
Before Colonel Hotpants had the opportunity to roll his eyes, bite his lip or make his puppy-face, the glass in the window nearby shattered and General Jack O'Kneel dropped onto the floor, rolled under the desk and emerged on the other side, brushing glass shards from his shoulders.
"Sorry I'm late," he deadpanned, disentangling himself from his parachute. "But I was held up."
Both Weird and Hotpants giggled as one.
"Jack, it's so good to see you again," Hotpants gushed before Weird started asking stupid questions about this week's plot. "How have you been? You look great, and may I say your hair is looking extra bouffant today?"
"Thanks John," said O'Kneel casually. "You look-" His gaze strayed to Hotpants' hair briefly. "- like crap! Haven't you been getting any sleep lately?"
Hotpants' lip trembled. "Well we've been really busy here lately, what with the Season Two finale coming up and all. I've had to do all these rolling on the ground scenes. And I got tied up! It all plays havoc with the hair. Havoc," he repeated for emphasis.
"Whatever," said O'Kneel dismissively, his eyes taking in the contents of Weird's office with interest.
"So what brings you to the Pegasus galaxy Colonel?" asked Weird, fishing in her desk drawer for her script and reading aloud from page twelve.
"Can't we do that later?" moaned Hotpants glaring at her. "I haven't seen Jack in ages. We've got so much gossip to catch up on, and you're forcing us to move the episode along?"
"Well, it looks like we can't do it later," said Weird, flipping forward a couple of pages. "Apparently this scene is about to end in a cliff hanger and I still have to say the following usual lines. 'What?' 'You can't be serious!' 'Holes? What sort of holes?' And 'You'd better Colonel, for all our sakes!' Ooh, in additionI also get to stare into the middle ground, squinting slightly. But that bit comes at the end, after you storm out looking sexy but determined."
Hotpants rolled his eyes, licked his lips and made his puppy-face at Jack, but O'Kneel ignored him.
"Okay Doctor Weird. I'll cut to the chase," O'Kneel announced briskly. "I've come to Atlantis to take one of your best men back to Earth with me. And I must warn you, we may be gone for some time."
Hotpants' heart skipped a beat. It was him! O'Kneel had come to take him home to Earth and make an honest man out of him at last. No more meeting in closets. No more hiding their love. He had to restrain himself from whooping with glee. It was a match made in Hair Heaven.
"What?" blurted Doctor Weird obediently.
"Yeah, it's a top-secret mission," O'Kneel continued. "Very important. Blah Blah Blah. Anyway, I really must get going, so if you'll just hand him over…"
"It's me isn't it?" Hotpants beamed, unable to hide his excitement.
"No," came a snarky voice from the doorway. "As it happens, it's me."
Everyone turned to see Doctor Rodney McKay standing in the doorway with a large worn suitcase in either hand. He was dressed casually and was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan "Physicists Do It At Light Speed"
"You can't be serious!" cried Hotpants to O'Kneel.
"Hey that's my line!" snapped Weird.
"He is serious." McKay stropped his way into the room, nose in the air. "This is a top secret mission from Stargate Command, so I can't tell you anything about it. All I can say however is that a number of giant holes have started to appear in both our galaxies. Every week there are more. Something must be done to address them otherwise the very fabric of the Universe as we know it will be ripped away."
Hotpants chewed his lip while Weird read from her script. "Holes? What sort of holes?"
McKay sighed, pretending not to be delighted that everyone had turned to him for this week's Big Explanation. "The worst kind of holes Doctor," he said, liberally lacing his tone with sarcasm despite the fact that there was no actual trace of irony, sarcasm, disdain or cynicism in his words.
Colonel Hotpants squinted dumbly. O'Kneel examined his fingernails. Weird looked fondly at her latest erotic figurine.
"Oh come on people!" shouted Rodney making everyone flinch. "They're plot-holes! They've been here ever since Sora went missing back in Season one?"
"Ah!"
"Oh Right!"
"Of course!"
Rodney rolled his eyes, hissed through his teeth, clicked his fingers and muttered very quickly under his breath.
"Does he have Tourette's syndrome?" Hotpants queried of no one in particular.
"Okay," said O'Kneel clapping his hands together impatiently. "So you get the point. Plot holes threaten our very existence. Of course, as this is a top secret mission it follows that we need a top scientist."
There was something in O'Kneel's tone that Hotpants didn't like. Rodney elbowed his way past him to the general's side.
"Are you just going to allow Rodney to take off like that?" Hotpants demanded of Weird.
She shrugged in reply.
"Come on Rodney," said O'Kneel, fastening a tether around Rodney's waist and drawing him in close. "It's Happy Hour in ten minutes. Those Mai-Tais aren't going to pour themselves."
"Yes, yes, yes," glowered Rodney, sounding cranky, despite the fact he wasn't. Hotpants watched as Rodney plonked his suitcases on the floor and threw his arms around O'Kneel's waist.
"You remember to bring the tanning lotion?" O'Kneel murmured in Rodney's ear.
Rodney nodded, looking harassed and pressurized even though he wasn't.
"Now wait just a minute!" Hotpants exclaimed. "This isn't about any top-secret mission. You're eloping with McKay."
O'Kneel looked like he was deliberating over how to respond. Eventually he spoke. "Okay it's true. We are eloping. It's over between us, John."
Hotpants recoiled in horror. "What? You're blowing me off for him?"
"I'm sorry John, but Rodney's just so much snarkier than you."
"I can be snarky!" persisted Hotpants, his bottom lip starting to tremble.
O'Kneel shook his head. "Look, all those times I was snarking with you I was faking it."
Hotpants gasped in shock.
As O'Kneel and Rodney climbed onto the window sill, Hotpants rushed forward. "I can change Jack!" he cried.
"It's too late for that now. Rodney and I have been snarking behind your back for months now. And it's been good. It's been very good. And besides John, I could never go out with a guy who spends more time on his hair than I do."
"You bastard!" yelled Colonel Hotpants.
O'Kneel looked past him to Doctor Weird, who was busy flipping through her script and muttering to herself. "By the way Doctor Weird, those plot-holes are very real. If I were you I'd order my second snarkiest scientist to investigate before you all find yourselves written out of existence."
O'Kneel snapped off a salute, kissed Rodney hard on the lips and without another word, leaped out of the window, Atlantis's top-scientist in tow.
"HA!" shouted Hotpants after them. "You forgot your luggage! Not so Mr Top-Scientist now, are we!"
Three seconds later both suitcases disappeared in a flash of blinding white light. A small note written in Rodney's hand fluttered to the ground in their place. Hotpants picked it up and read it. It simply said, "Asguard Beaming Technology. Neener Neener Neener. PS Physicists Do It With Uniform Harmonic Motion"
Colonel Hotpants crumpled the note in his fist and made serious-but-sexy faces at Weird.
"I'll get him for this!" he growled. "I'll get them both!"
"You'd better Colonel, for all our sakes. I mean, have you seen my lines for scene nine? They're atrocious. This whole episode is going down the pan."
Colonel Hotpants turned and left the room, leaving Doctor Weird to stare into the middle distance, squinting slightly, her figurine still clutched in one hand.
CHAPTER TWO: IN WHICH SHEPPARD, BROKEN-HEARTED, HAS A HOT ONE-NIGHT STAND WITH TEAL'C
Colonel Hotpants was in the gym having his rear end gratuitously smacked with an Athosian fighting stick by Teyla when his radio crackled to life.
"Colonel. This is Doctor Weird. Come in please."
He limped to the bench and retrieved the radio. "Hotpants here."
"It seems these Universal plot-holes General O'Kneel spoke about are very real. I've reviewed my script for next week's episode and all the pages are blank after scene twelve. It can only mean one thing."
"Next week's episode won't be all about you?"
"No," snapped Weird. "It means that after next week's episode, I'll disappear into a plot-hole. It's happening John. All these wildly conceived storylines the Powers That Be are creating are adding to the improbability of our universe. If Dr Zelenka's figures are correct, we'll all cease to exist by the end of Season Two."
"The Powers That Be?"
"Yes."
"The powers that be what?"
"Be what?"
"Exactly. What!"
"What?"
There was a long and confused silence. Colonel Hotpants broke it by asking "What do you think we should do?"
"I think we need to take action as soon as possible."
"What did you have in mind?" asked Hotpants stretching and bending as he spoke in a vain attempt to draw Teyla's attention to his buttocks.
"There's only one thing we can do at a time like this. We need Rodney back. He's the only one who'll be bound to know how to fill-in these missing holes. And you'll have to be the one to persuade General O'Kneel to let him go."
"No way!" protested Hotpants at once, the memory of O'Kneel's brush-off still fresh in his mind.
"Colonel, I'm not asking." There was an unmistakable note of finality in the Doctor's tone.
Hotpants pouted, licked his lips and pouted some more.
"Fine!" he snapped. "I'll do it. But just don't ask me to be nice."
"Yeah right whatever," said Weird.
Colonel Hotpants turned to address Teyla, only to discover that the young Athosian leader had disappeared.
"Damn these Plot-Holes of Doom!" he exclaimed.
It had been some time since Colonel Hotpants had been to Stargate Command, and when he arrived he was peeved to discover that General O'Kneel was apparently out playing golf with an associate. Frustrated, Hotpants wandered the corridors while he awaited the return of his ex-boyfriend. He had never really noticed it before, but he was struck by the thought that the corridors of the SGC were all rather similar. Soon, he was hopelessly lost.
"Colonel John Hotpants!" An imposing voice sounded directly behind him. Hotpants turned to see Teal'c, SG1's most interesting character – from a hair perspective – exiting a nearby room. A faint smell of polish wafted gently in the air, and Hotpants surmised from the soft cloth in his hand, that Teal'c had just been polishing his forehead plate.
"Hi!" said Hotpants morosely. And then because Teal'c said nothing further, he added conversationally, "I'm just waiting for Jack."
"Indeed," said Teal'c in the same commanding manner. Hotpants felt a small delicious shiver run up his spine. If he hadn't been on the rebound… He pushed the thought away firmly. This was no time to get involved with someone new. Besides, they lived galaxies apart, and he knew from experience that long distance relationships never worked out.
"He's out playing golf with Rodney," Hotpants grimaced. "He probably knew I was coming."
"Indeed," said Teal'c.
"So typical of him," continued Hotpants. "He never treated me right, even when we were together."
"Indeed," said Teal'c.
"Hey, you're really easy to talk to, did you know that?"
"Indeed."
Hotpants smiled. He couldn't help but acknowledge that Teal'c cut quite a dash with his bulging biceps, his shiny polished insignia and his bald head.
"Now there's a man who doesn't give a damn about what statement his hair is making," he thought wistfully to himself. "Maybe that's where I've been going wrong in the past. I've been looking for someone like me, when I should actually have been looking for my opposite." The sudden light of interest sparked in Hotpants' eyes.
"I don't suppose you have any free time right about now?" He ran a finger lightly over Teal'c's forearm marvelling at his muscle structure.
"Indeed," said Teal'c with a hint of a smile.
"There's a storage closet two corridors back. Wanna go mess up my hair?"
"Indeed!" said Teal'c raising his eyebrow a fraction.
Colonel Hotpants grinned.
CHAPTER THREE: IN WHICH SHEPPARD HAS A BRIEF UNHAPPY AFFAIR WITH DANIEL
Colonel Hotpants was in the debriefing room re-debriefing himself after his hot encounter with Teal'c when Jack and Rodney breezed in, arm in arm. Rodney was laughing gaily and wearing a t-shirt which said Physicists Do It With Rigid Bodies. Despite his brief affair with Teal'c, Hotpants experienced a flash of rage at the sight of his former boyfriend and his new lover.
Adjusting his extra extra tight Season Two Pants, he snarked. "Jack, Rodney. You're both looking well, considering the world is about to end."
"Oh Hotpants, don't be such a worrywart." Rodney waved the prophesy of doom away casually. "I'm sure Zelenka will figure it all out with one second to spare. That's usually the way these things go." He looked to Jack who nodded in agreement.
"Yeah John, you know the way these things play themselves out," Jack stated. "There'll be the usual bit of techno-babble from one of the scientists."
Rodney put up his hand. "Of course whoever does it will have to speak terribly fast in order to bypass the audience's wait-a-minute-that's-not-physically-possible sensor." He smiled proudly. "I was sooo good at doing that."
"Yes you were," agreed Jack appreciatively. He turned back to Hotpants. "Then someone will announce a hitch or a glitch of some sort. You'll get to run up some stairs and wave your gun around."
"Then it will be back to the scientists for more fast talking," put in Rodney, his eyes aglow at the fond memories of numerous previous episodes. "Someone will make a witty comment that will break the tension momentarily. Weird will philosophise over the moral implications of everyone's actions. Breakitt might offer a word of comfort and do his caring expression. There may even be a Countdown to Doom, but in the end everything will come right."
Hotpants ground his teeth, hating to tell Rodney that it was Weird's opinion that only he could save the universe from certain plot-hole doom.
"We may not have time for all that," he said. "The holes are becoming larger. One swallowed up Teyla last week."
"Who's Teyla?" asked Rodney blankly.
"Exactly!" said Hotpants. "You would have known the answer to that question yourself a week ago. We don't have time to argue Rodney. You need to come back to Atlantis with me now."
Jack stepped in front of Rodney protectively. "Look Colonel, he's with me. He's not going anywhere with you and that's final. You'll just have to solve this week's problem by yourself."
"Dammit!" yelled Hotpants in exasperation. Rodney and Jack regarded him coolly.
In the end he was forced to turn on his heel and march out, looking sexy but determined and with even more of his underwear on display.
The SGC cafeteria was serving the same thing it did in every single day - a small under-cooked bread roll, some strange looking meat casserole, mashed potatoes and of course a small bowl of bright blue jello. It was a little known fact that all the scientists in the SGC lived solely on this blue jello, having long since discovered it's intelligence enhancing properties.
Colonel Hotpants, who knew little and cared even less about jello of any color slammed his tray down on the table angrily, making the dessert and his bottom lip wobble. The man sitting across from him jumped at the sound and snapped his book closed.
"Everything okay?" he asked, adjusting his glasses on the end of his nose.
Hotpants sighed and took a seat opposite him. "My ex-boyfriend won't give me my physicist back," he admitted.
"Wow, I've heard of old lovers hanging onto CDs but this takes the cake," commented the other man with a brief sympathetic smile.
Hotpants nodded miserably.
"I'm Doctor Daniel Jackrabbit, by the way." He extended his hand.
"Lieutenant Colonel John Hotpants."
Both men shook hands. As miserable as he was, Hotpants couldn't help but notice that Doctor Daniel Jackrabbit had deliciously soft hands and that his hair – unlike O'Kneel's studied perfection, and Teal'c's two-fingered salute to the world – was actually rather unstructured.
Normally Hotpants would never have found himself attracted to hair like that, but over the past week he had come to have every one of his pre-conceptions challenged. There was something very ordinary and down to earth about Doctor Jackrabbit's hair. It was formless, free, innocent and unpretentious. He raised his eyes to meet the other man's gaze, delighting in the fact that there was nothing whatsoever innocent in the look exchanged between them.
"If you don't mind my saying so, I think you're rather…" Hotpants trailed off feeling suddenly shy.
"And you're very…" murmured Doctor Jackrabbit, running his jello spoon provocatively across his lips, and leaving a trail of green goo behind, just begging to be licked.
Both men stared across their mashed potatoes in silent appreciation of the other for what seemed a long time. Hotpants was suddenly very much aware of just how tight his Season Two uniform was compared to last year. Feeling gradually regretful about the wild abandon with which he had entered the storage closet with Teal'c earlier, he decided it would be best to be up-front with Doctor Jackrabbit.
"Look, I should probably tell you I've just had a hot one night –"
"Shush!" said Doctor Jackrabbit, leaning across his under-cooked bread roll and silencing him with a fingertip pressed to his lips. "Don't ruin the moment."
"Mmmmfffle," squeaked Hotpants, his eyes wide in surprise.
And so it was that Jack O'Neill, Rodney McKay and Teal'c discovered Doctor Daniel Jackrabbit and lieutenant Colonel Hotpants writhing naked on the tabletop, both covered in the Wednesday special some three minutes later.
"John!"
"Jack!"
"Daniel!"
"Rodney!"
"What?"
"Indeed!"
As both men scrambled for their clothes, Jack narrowed his eyes at Colonel Hotpants.
"Didn't take you long to meet someone new, did it?"
"Indeed!" agreed Teal'c looking from Doctor Jackrabbit to Colonel Hotpants with one ever-so-slightly raised eyebrow.
Hotpants picked potato from his hair, debating whether or not to tell Jack about his closet encounter of the Teal'c kind. But Doctor Jackrabbit surprised everyone by blurting out "Well, it didn't take you long to find yourself someone new either, did it Jack?"
Rodney and Hotpants both gasped in theatrical surprise.
"What?" demanded Rodney, flicking bits of stray jello from his t-shirt which read "Physicists Do It In Black Holes"
"You mean you and him?" Hotpants exclaimed, looking first at General O'Kneel and then at Doctor Jackrabbit. He was so surprised he didn't quite know whether to bite his lip, frown sexily or make his puppy dog face.
"I don't believe it!" Rodney was visibly shaken. "You were seeing him?"
Jack shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, I guess."
"Until he decided to go off and get himself a hot new Geek!" put in Doctor Jackrabbit heatedly. "Uh here," he added in an aside, handing Hotpants a neon red thong. "I think this is yours."
Hotpants swiftly snatched his underwear from the doctor's hands, but nobody it seemed had noticed. Rodney and Jackrabbit were starting to size each other up, and not in a good way. Jack was looking more annoyed by the minute and Teal'c's eyebrow had yet to descend. Things were becoming ugly fast, and it wasn't just the congealing mashed potatoes. He knew it was time to return to Atlantis, even if that meant leaving McKay behind.
As he stepped through the Stargate he couldn't help but acknowledge that although his hot affair with Teal'c had been brief, it had done wonders for his battered self-esteem, and although his tryst with Doctor Daniel Jackrabbit had been even briefer, he was sure now that he could never love a man whose hair made absolutely no statement at all. And even though the universe and everyone he knew might be disappearing at an alarming rate, lunch had been rather good.
CHAPTER FOUR: IN WHICH SHEPPARD FOLLOWS THE WISE WORDS OF FORD
When Hotpants stepped through the gate he was surprised to find only Lieutenant Ford-Mustang and Doctor Carson Breakitt waiting for him.
"Where is everybody?" he demanded hotly.
"We're all here. Present and accounted for," answered Ford-Mustang, snapping off a salute. "Why; who were you expecting?"
Hotpants looked around the empty room incredulously. "Uh, hello? Where are all the expedition members? The scientists, the soldiers, that cute guy from Accounts?"
Doctor Breakitt stepped forward, pushing a gurney in the Colonel's direction. "I think we'd better get you to the infirmary as soon as possible," he said kindly.
"The infirmary?" questioned Hotpants, eyeing the doctor suspiciously.
"Yes, I'd like to run a complete physical on you," said Breakitt shyly, pretending to be engrossed in the contents of a medical chart. "A full battery of tests in fact."
"What sort of tests?" asked Hotpants, wondering if, unbeknownst to himself, he might be suffering from a Hair Emergency as a result of worm hole travel.
"Oh, ahem…well now that you ask," said Breakitt in a nervous tone, "I was thinking of getting you to run on a treadmill for a bit, first with your clothes on, and…ahem… then we could see how the resulting data might compare to um…data taken with your…ahem…clothes off."
His voice cracked and he swallowed reflexively, his words becoming fainter as he went on. "Then to complete the full physical, I was thinking that you could do some bending and stretching for me."
Breakitt studied his flip-chart furiously, his face becoming more and more inflamed. "Then perhaps some um…bicep flexing, and possibly…gulp… some posing with your gun. That sort of thing." He trailed away looking even more embarrassed.
Hotpants quirked an eyebrow and licked his lips. "Is that absolutely necessary Doc?"
"No," admitted Breakitt sheepishly. "I'd just like to see it, that's all."
"Sorry, but we don't have time for that right now," explained Hotpants. "I need to see Weird straight away."
Both Ford-Mustang and Breakitt regarded the Colonel blankly.
"Doctor Elizabeth Weird?" Hotpants prompted.
"Who?" queried Ford-Mustang.
Sheppard did his grave two-seconds-before-the-adverts face and was quiet for some time. Things were worse than he thought. Elizabeth had been right. The plot-holes were advancing at an alarming rate, and while he was busy trying to make his ex-boyfriend jealous convince McKay to return to Atlantis, one had taken not only the doctor, but nearly everybody else as well.
There was only one person left he could turn to.
Atlantis' second-snarkiest scientist would have to save the day.
"Okay, I have a plan," he told the others. "Listen up."
As quickly as he could, Hotpants outlined the plot of this week's episode, taking in Jack O'Kneel's amazing plot-hole/shrinking universe discovery, Elizabeth Weird's final words to him before her own startling disappearance, and his trip to Earth, but largely glossing over his twin moments of passion with Teal'c and Daniel Jackson.
He finished by gravely telling both men that if they were going to do the Countdown to Doom scenario, they had better do it quick, before the entire cast disappeared.
"Doctor Breakitt, go gather up all the laptop computers you can find," Hotpants ordered. "Get some cables and some flashing lights on a string. Tie them all together in an impressive and technical manner. Dammit! Use sticky tape if you have to."
"Right," said Breakitt, nodding curtly.
"Ford-Mustang," continued Hotpants, "I want you to bring up some kind of interesting graphical display on that screen over there. Actually," he bit his lip thoughtfully. "Better bring up all the graphical displays we've got and rotate them on a PowerPoint presentation. That'll look impressive."
Ford-Mustang nodded.
"In the meantime," said Hotpants, "I'll be here limbering up and accidentally exposing more of my underwear. There's bound to be a scene involving me running up stairs, bending over some dead guy or at least sneaking down a darkened corridor. I don't want to strain a muscle."
Both Breakitt and Ford-Mustang exchanged cynical looks.
"Also, I'm going to need the biggest gun we can lay our hands on. I'll probably have to point it at someone while doing a 'don't make me shoot you' face. But secretly all the female viewers will be thinking of it as a phallic symbol, so it's gotta be big."
He rubbed his manly stubble thoughtfully. "Hmm, do we still have that rocket launcher Major Lorne used way back at the start of Season Two? What do you think? Overkill?"
Ford-Mustang and Breakitt exchanged more cynical looks.
"What?" demanded Hotpants. "Is my hair okay?"
"You're hair is just lovely, Colonel," whispered Breakitt in a barely audible voice, turning scarlet.
"Uh, Colonel," advised Ford-Mustang. "Maybe this isn't the best time to start worrying about your hair."
Hotpants bit his lip. Although it was obvious young Ford-Mustang knew little of the intricate subtleties of hair, he thought that perhaps he should listen to his advice, just this once. Forcing his thoughts back to the emergency at hand, he barked, "Okay Lieutenant, come on, lets get busy. We've no time to lose."
Both men snapped to attention at once. Before long all the necessary technical equipment for a dramatic ending was in place.
Hotpants pointed at Breakitt. "Okay, when I give the word, I want you to radio Zelenka. Tell him to get down here stat. Tell him it's an Astro-Techno-Medical emergency. Do your worried face. And when he arrives, I want to see you and Ford-Mustang both staring meaningfully at all the equipment. Got it?"
"An Astro what?" asked Breakitt creasing his forehead, raising his eyebrows in a surprised manner and showing off both dimples at once.
"Very good!" said Hotpants. "Do it just like that."
"Wait a minute," interrupted Ford-Mustang. "You want us to get who down here?"
"Zelenka."
"Who?" Both Ford-Mustang and Breakitt regarded Colonel Hotpants blankly.
"Dammit!" shouted Hotpants, throwing his radio across the room and kicking over a nearby trash can. "Not him too."
A cold feeling of hopelessness stole over Hotpants. He couldn't see how the episode might be wrapped up without any snarking scientists. How was he going to save the day now?
A sudden whooshing sound made everyone jump nervously. Turning his head in the direction of the Stargate, Hotpants was both relieved and annoyed, both elated and resentful, and lastly both disappointed and secretly thrilled to see Doctor Rodney McKay step through the wormhole in a faded t-shirt with the words 'Physicists Understand The Theory Of How To Do It!' emblazoned on it. McKay had a large bruise under one eye and Hotpants could only surmise that things had come to a head between himself and Daniel Jackson.
Knowing there was no way to express all his emotions at once, Hotpants went for sexy-surprised-but-trying-not-to-show-it as he addressed McKay.
"What are you doing back here?"
"I've come to save the day," answered Rodney disdainfully, his nose in the air.
"Well we don't actually need your help," snarked Hotpants. "As you can see we've got everything under control-"
"Colonel," hissed Ford-Mustang in a warning tone.
"Okay, fine we don't have everything under control," admitted Hotpants with a sigh. " We've just lost our second-snarkiest scientist to another plot-hole."
McKay regarded the scene. "I see you've been busy," he said stiffly, clearly unwilling to give the other man any credit for quick-thinking.
"We even have a rotating PowerPoint Presentation," said Ford-Mustang proudly.
"Flashing lights?" queried McKay.
Ford-Mustang nodded.
"Dramatic music?"
"We were just about to play some," said Breakitt.
"Hm, very good." Rodney was clearly finding it difficult to hide his admiration.
"Look Rodney, are you going to help us or not?" snarked Hotpants.
McKay took one final look at the set-up. "Well I might be able to pull it off," he said grudgingly. "But I'll have to talk really really fast."
He looked Hotpants in the eye. "Are you ready to do some running down corridors?"
Hotpants licked his lips. "Actually I was thinking along the lines of a flight of stairs."
"I think I can work with that." Rodney cleared his throat experimentally.
"Okay, go! No wait!" He retrieved a small bottle of throat spray from his pocket and doused his tonsils with it. "Okay, I'm good. Go!"
And so with much dramatic tension, McKay techno-babbled at an extremely fast rate, while Colonel Hotpants raced up and down several flights of stairs, much of his underwear on display. Ford-Mustang pointed at several screens looking worried, and Doctor Carson Breakitt poured over impressive looking data on many different computers. Lights twinkled. Music swelled spectacularly. Breakitt made his face. Ford made his face. Hotpants bit his lip, pointed his gun down several dark corridors, and looked ready to shoot someone, but feel bad about it, if the need should arise. Through it all, McKay snarked and snarked and snarked some more.
Eventually, exhausted, winded and out of new expressions to pull, the men of Atlantis met up by the Stargate.
"Did it work?" panted Hotpants.
"Well of course it work-" began Rodney, only to have his words drowned out by a loud popping sound.
Lieutenant Ford-Mustang had disappeared right before their very eyes.
"Dammit!" yelled Hotpants, hurling his gun across the room and sweeping several coffee cups onto the floor.
"Colonel, I think there's something you should see." Breakitt was standing by the window looking out over the city. Hotpants and McKay rushed to his side.
In the sky over the city a large grey and ominous Nothing was approaching.
"It's the plot-hole of Doom," whispered Breakitt in horror. "And it's headed this way."
He turned to Hotpants, his face imploring. "Colonel Hotpants, If you're going to do something to save the day, I seriously suggest you do it now."
There was a long silence.
"Colonel?" prompted Doctor Breakitt.
"Oh sorry, I was doing my season-finale face."
CHAPTER FIVE: IN WHICH SHEPPARD FINDS TRUE LOVE WITH BECKETT…AND SAVES THE WORLD
Hotpants snapped out of his meaningful staring with a shrug. "Okay, I have another plan," he announced, striding purposefully towards the stargate, his latest set of underpants gratuitously visible. "It's dangerous, it's excessive and it's terribly, terribly brave. I might not make it back alive."
He turned and deadpanned. "Nice knowing ya!" Goodbye!"
"Colonel-" Doctor Breakitt began, but Hotpants cut him off. "I have to," he said dramatically. "And you know it."
"Er, I was only going to point out that your shoelace is undone," said Breakitt.
"Oh," said Hotpants bending down to tie his lace. "Thanks."
"My pleasure," said Breakitt, flushing several shades of scarlet.
With his shoelaces firmly tied, his big gun firmly in hand, and his pants slung firmly but dangerously low, lieutenant Colonel Hotpants gave one final wave and disappeared through the Stargate.
"What now?" asked McKay.
"Fancy a game of chess?" asked Breakitt.
"Don't mind if I do," answered Rodney before disappearing with a loud pop.
Carson made his very worried face.
Two hours later the Stargate made its whooshing toilet flushing sound and Hotpants re-emerged, ushering a motley collection of people before him with his gun.
"Colonel, what's going on?" asked Breakitt in surprise. "Who are all these people?"
Hotpants grinned his best rascally rakish grin. "Doctor Breakitt. I would like you to meet The Powers That Be!"
"The what?" said Breakitt dumbly.
"The Powers That Be," repeated Hotpants meaningfully.
"The powers that be what?" asked Breakitt.
"What?" said Hotpants.
"Yes, exactly."
"I'm sorry, what?"
There was a second long and confused silence. A bearded man in jeans stepped forward timidly, one hand raised in the air. "Um, excuse me," he said. "I'm just a writer. I don't actually have any special powers at all."
"Neither do I," piped in a small woman with short blonde hair, standing to the rear of the group.
"I don't even write for Stargate," complained another.
"I don't write period," said another. "I just happened to be cleaning the windows when this guy burst into the room waving his gun and demanding that everyone follow him back through something called a Star Gate."
Hotpants fixed them all with a sexy don't-mess-with- me look. "Let's not go through all that again," he snapped. "You people know very well that you're responsible for everything that goes on in the Stargate universe, right down to the tiniest detail. It's your fault Atlantis and everyone in it is disappearing. You created so many episodes with loose ends, plot-holes and slapped-together three minute solutions that you inadvertently unbalanced the nature of its universe."
He pointed out the window at the large approaching Nothing. The writers, producers, directors, assorted assistants, tea and coffee makers, mailmen and mail women, important network executives, unimportant network executives, hair stylists, dog walkers and general dogsbodies had to agree that it was indeed a very large Nothing, and that it was indeed approaching very fast.
"What do you want us to do about it?" asked one of the group. "What power in the universe can stop something like that?"
"I'm glad you asked," said Hotpants. "Come this way." He ushered them towards a flight of stairs.
"Stairs," mumbled Breakitt. "How did I know there was going to be stairs?"
"And don't try anything funny," warned Hotpants, running up and down the stairs for a bit, biting his lip and pulling his I don't want to have to shoot you, but I will if I have to face. "I don't want to have to shoot any of you, but I will if I have to."
Everyone sighed and marched upstairs.
In a nearby conference room, Hotpants outlined his plan. "You're going to sit here and write some manner of clarification explanation, or resolution to every single plot-hole over the last two seasons," he told them. "You will leave no stone unturned, no question unanswered, no character, however minor, completely unexplored. You will make sure that no one will ever watch a single episode again and ask the question 'Hey, I wonder what happened to…?'"
There followed a stunned silence.
"But won't that make for some extremely boring watching?" asked someone at its end. "If everything is addressed completely, won't it detract from the time we have to tell the important parts of the story?"
Hotpants shrugged.
"And if everything is addressed immediately, won't that ruin any opportunity to establish story arcs for the main characters and for the overall plot itself?"
"Yeah," piped up another. "I mean, if every question is answered straight away, what is there left to look forward to?"
There was a murmur of general agreement.
Hotpants licked his lips and squinted threateningly. "Just do it."
He shut the door.
"Do you think it will work?" asked Breakitt after some time.
About to answer, Hotpants was distracted by abrupt and multiple popping sounds all over the city. Everywhere he looked minor and major characters alike were popping back into existence.
Hotpants did his best knowing smirk.
With Carson Breakitt trailing behind like a lost puppy, Hotpants made directly for Elizabeth Weird's office. He liked to come here after the dust settled at the end of the episode and stand about while he and Weird stared off into space, silently thinking the same thing, or silently deliberating over somebody's latest mistake, or silently regretting the necessity of having to make a tough but necessary call.
Weird however did not look happy to see him this time.
"Colonel." Her greeting was curt. She was seated at her desk, peering out angrily at him from around a two foot stack of paper. Her erotic figurine collection had been removed to a series of cardboard boxes on the floor nearby.
"Elizabeth," said Hotpants. "What's all this?"
"It's my script for next week's episode," she replied sharply. "Apparently I've got over six hours of dialogue in which I have to outline what I had for breakfast, where I like to spend my spare time when I'm not on duty, what my pastimes are, and when I last visited the toilet – just in case anyone should want to know."
"Bummer," said Hotpants looking sheepish. Apparently The Powers That Be had taken their task quite seriously.
"It gets worse," complained Doctor Weird. "There are all these superfluous characters wandering the city that require constant supervision."
"Like who?" Hotpants narrowed his eyes, ready to seize the opportunity to sneak down a darkened corridor with his life signs detector and a very big gun should one arise.
"Sora's back, for one," said Weird. "Only they couldn't decide what to do with her, so they have her working in the kitchens as a chef. Oh well, it gives her something to do with her knife I suppose. Then there's that guy from 'Condemned' – you know the one who always claimed he was innocent? Well, as it turns out, he lied! Now we've got three dead scientists on our hands along with a missing Puddle-Jumper."
Hotpants grimaced. He wasn't sure he liked the way this story was wrapping up. There was only a minute or two of dialogue left and nobody had given any thought to his hair.
Weird was still complaining. "We've all got so many hours of boring dialogue to wade through, and so many tiny dumb details to explain that at this rate I doubt we'll see another action drama episode again."
"Boy those guys really leave no stone unturned," marvelled Hotpants who had yet to receive his truck load of lines and was therefore feeling rather blasé about the whole thing.
"Lest someone declare it a plot-hole," grumbled Weird, casting a sad glance at a nearby cardboard box. "Just as I was expanding my little collection too."
"Hmm, so maybe we dropped the ball on this one?" suggested Hotpants, attempting to get Weird to join him in a bit of serious silent reflection.
"Get out Colonel."
Carson Breakitt was loitering in the hallway outside when Hotpants emerged from Weird's office.
"Everything back to normal Colonel? he enquired, flushing slightly as he spoke, and fiddling with his stethoscope.
"Uh yeah," lied Hotpants with a reassuring smile.
"You know," ventured Breakitt shyly, "I never did get you to come to the infirmary for that physical."
Hotpants knew an offer when he heard one. "Look Doc," he began, then stopped. It suddenly occurred to him that Doctor Carson Breakitt not only had the most attractive dimples he had ever seen outside of his own bathroom mirror, but striking hair too.
"Is everything all right Colonel?"
Hotpants nodded, suddenly lost for words. Why hadn't he noticed what had been right under his nose all along? Unlike Daniel Jackson's unkempt statement-free tresses, Beckett's hair was neatly coiffed – almost dapper – but lacking the tell-tale egotistic individuality of his former lovers' locks. Beckett's mane was a quiet yet confident mix of smart chic and modest styling. Hotpants knew immediately in his heart that such hair would never seek to upstage his own.
Simply put, here was a man who would be incapable of breaking his heart.
"Y'know Doc, maybe I should take that physical, after all," he smiled, taking the doctor gently by the arm and leading him towards the infirmary.
Breakitt made a small whimpering sound.
THE END