It had been a few days ever since Juvia left to complete a solo mission. Its purpose was the typical beat-this-gang-of-thieves-and-throw-them-on-jail; she completed it with little effort.
It wasn't meant to be solo at first, but Gajeel and Lily had taken a mission with Levy, Team Natsu left for a job of their own, Cana was busy drinking and everyone just seemed really comfortable in sitting – better phrasing: goofing – around the guild the day she had checked the request board. Well, she needed the money to pay her rent, despite having a decent amount of jewels on her wallet – Juvia would rather have a safe zone instead of running after cash while drowning in debts.
At night, she came back to Magnolia – however, she didn't expect to have a near death experience after completing the job.
The train had arrived in another station, an unfamiliar one, different from the ones the water mage had the habit to use – that was because she arrived at evening: normally, she would finish her missions during the day, when the sun still shone bright. Distracted while leaving the area, she almost walked off towards a ridiculously high cliff that she had no idea it existed – it seemed like a hill, not a cliff! - and she would have fallen to her death if a random stranger hadn't held her torso in her fall.
Had she fallen off the cliff, the probability of survival was less than zero – she could have fallen on her head, break her bones, and on the best case scenario, she would have activated her water body and splashed into droplets in the ground, never to be seen again - Juvia may have control over her body temperature and physical state, but it consumed magic power and, of course, she didn't activate it at all times. Every now and then, it was even over her control, since emotions were its foundation.
The thought of dying like that left her absolutely terrified – that stranger had saved her. She apologized and thanked the kind person a thousand times, and they just worryingly shrugged it off and told her to watch her step more often, explaining that in this particular place there occurred some accidents, and for that reason, the station staff was interested in putting a fence or something.
The moment she arrived at Fairy Hills, adrenaline still ran through her body.
It descended upon her that she would eventually die, and it might not be in the battlefield. People risked their lives every day, not only in fights - accidents, crimes, experiments and carelessness were the cause of countless deaths. It seemed like everything was a flashing sign of "if you don't pay close attention, you might kick the bucket today!"
It could be anytime.
It could have been today.
Though there was only one good thing she realized upon thinking that – if today was the day she would've died, she would have no regrets.
Well, maybe, with one exception.
She didn't want to leave her comrades, her family, behind.
Her reflections stopped her from sleeping. It had been more than four hours since she had laid in bed and, even if she was tired, she couldn't fall asleep. Yawning, she slowly rose up, dressed up (paying no mind in her choice of clothing), took a small amount of jewels from her desk and headed for one of Magnolia's many squares.
She was satisfied when she found out one of her favorite stores was still open on that time – it sold quick snacks and drinks in general. It was at that place that she and Gray normally used to eat after they teamed together on a job.
Buying a hot chocolate – the weather was rather cold, and the heat would help her relaxing –the water mage sat on one of the local benches. While she sipped from the small packing, she gazed at the starts and the trees and wondered why she didn't do that earlier – her body was lighter now.
Death, after all, was not something to be feared, but not something to be welcome either. It was sad, but de facto, it was natural. It was like a reminder to every living being, especially humans, that time did go by.
She remembered what Erza had told her a few months ago, on the death anniversary of Gray's and Lyon's teacher, about "living the day of today the best way possible"; now, her words made more sense. If life was lived fully every day, death would be the next step, not the end of the journey.
Juvia felt recovered after her small meditation, and she noticed she let her beverage run cold while she thought – she was lightly disappointed because, in her opinion, that drink in particular had better taste when hot. "Well," she thought as she kept drinking, "it's not that bad of a taste…"
"Juvia?" A very familiar voice interrupted her small moment. "Is that the time to come back from a mission?"
She jumped a little in shock, and raising her head, she faced a confused Gray. Of course, she felt incredibly happy upon seeing him, but she couldn't avoid returning his perplexed gaze.
"And is that the time to leave the guild, Gray-sama?" She countered, despite her smile.
"…Touché." He walked near the bench she was sitting. "But seriously, why are you out so late? Weren't you on a mission?"
"Yeah… Well, Juvia came back a little later," she answered, leaving out several facts.
"But you wouldn't take so long to complete such easy jobs," he retorted, noticing her façade and sitting beside her. "Honestly, if you took so long to kick those guys' asses-"
"No, but – wait a second, Gray-sama, how do you know about Juvia's job? Weren't you in a mission with Natsu and the others?" She stared at him, making him embarrassed.
"U…Um…" He hesitated before answering. "When we came back, you weren't there, so I asked Mira… and, well, she answered me."
"Oh… All right then," she smiled again – Gray had noticed her absence.
"Anyway," he quickly resumed, sorely gazing at her, "don't avoid the subject. What happened, Juvia? I can see you're not a hundred percent ok. Plus, it's not like you, to get out so late."
Astonished, the water mage felt bad for being so transparent. Even after the storm she carried was gone, she didn't like her own personal rain to be so apparent to other people. She liked to be seen as a happy person, now – she was proud to be happy, even if there were days where something wasn't quite right.
She sighed. There was no reason to hide something from him.
"The mission took a bit more time than necessary," she started, "but that was not the problem…"
"What do you mean?"
"So… Since Juvia finished on a later time, the train station she arrived at was a different one from the one she always frequents…" she gave him a small glance, reluctant. "It was the station next to the hospital. You know that one, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do. What's wrong with it?" Gray asked, squinting his eyes suspiciously – Juvia usually didn't take too long to tell him stories.
"Do you remember a cliff right beside the ticket office?" She asked him under her breath, and he nodded affirmatively. "Juvia… Didn't know it was a cliff. She could swear it was a hill…!"
He gave her a mortified expression upon realizing where the context of the conversation was going. "You almost fell."
"…Yes." Juvia nodded, looking away in apprehension. "Juvia probably wouldn't have survived the fall if a stranger hadn't held her… They mentioned some occasional accidents, too… It seems like they're going to put on some kind of fence there or… something."
The ice mage was strangely quiet – Juvia couldn't decode his face.
"… Well, that's the reason Juvia's here, now. She can't sleep because she kept thinking about this." She sighed once again – even if Gray wasn't being very responsive, talking about it made her feel even lighter. It was more effective than thinking by herself. "Juvia's magic wouldn't be of much help, judging by the cliff's height. I would probably have broken my butt," she laughed nervously. He wasn't nearly a bit amused.
"Juvia, you have… You've got to take care of yourself when you're in places you don't normally go!" Gray finally showed some response to her story, wheezing in anger. "Fuck, you're supposed to be an adult, you gotta pay attention to this kind of stuff. Why do you think there are such "occasional accidents" on that place?! Ok, well, because people should put some kind of signaling, some board, some sign, some fences, whatever. People don't pay attention when they leave those places, Juvia- you could have died…!"
He let out a growl in frustration. Juvia, still a bit startled at his sudden burst, could understand a bit the reason he was so mad.
"… And I would have done nothing to stop it…" He mumbled, distressed. She could have died today, and he wasn't even there to save her. She wouldn't even have the time to speak final words or shit like that – he would lose another person dear to him. Again. One more time…
With his statement, Juvia could not only understand him, but also relate to him. She opened her mouth.
"Gray-sama," she called him, making him raise his head. "People die all the time."
He started to argue once again, but she sharply put her hand on his lips, effectively silencing him.
"I know. I know it would be painful, I know it would be bad. However, we are mages. We face death in almost every mission we go. And, today, I realized that it's not only mages that face it on a daily basis, Gray-sama, civilians, normal people do too. How many have already fallen off that cliff? How many don't suffer accidental deaths like this one?"
Realizing words were making their way into his head, she proceeded:
"Unfortunately, that's life. Yes, I wouldn't like to lose you, or nobody. Ever. But I realized today that it is possible, even if it hurts. Gray-sama, I could have lost you, back when we were fighting the dragons. We also lost the Lucy that came from the future, from what Natsu told us. And, probably, of we didn't earn that extra minute, more people would have died."
He noticed a reclusive gaze above her when she mentioned it – and she knew he was blaming himself for (almost) dying for her sake.
"I'm not saying it is wrong to feel pain because of that, but I'm certain that there is no reason to blame ourselves for that. And, Gray-sama, I know you'd blame yourself, because you naturally do it all the time," she concluded, taking her hand off his mouth. "Besides, even if I had died today, I wouldn't have regretted a single thing. Only leaving all of you behind…"
Gray heaved a sigh, trembling. She really had concrete arguments – what she had told him reminded what he had thought about days after seeing his own death via the vision Ultear gave them. He felt bad – because he was grateful to protect Juvia, even on that moment…
But he, technically, had died. It was possible that he would have emotionally scarred everyone who bore witness to this death – especially Juvia.
And he, again, blamed himself, because he felt he was such a hypocrite, even if it was about something that (technically) did not happen.
He didn't want to die, but he would've died for any of his friends – especially Juvia. He didn't want anyone to die for him, but he knew everyone felt the same and would protect him anyway – especially Juvia. He wouldn't feel regrets if he died for her, but for hurting everyone by leaving them behind, for losing an entire life ahead of him.
For taking life's happy moments for granted.
What would Gray have told Ul and Ultear if some kind of heaven existed and his conscience just didn't fade off to nothingness?
He forced himself to stop thinking about it, and quickly pondered how the woman on front of him could talk clearly about that kind of subject. If he was in her shoes, he'd probably stumble upon his own words and wouldn't even formulate a phrase properly. He hated to talk about death.
"Easier said than done…" He finally answered, and when he raised his head again, he was surprised to find the water mage giving him an angry expression.
"No, it's not easy to say. It just seems easier because you always avoid talking about your thoughts and feelings, Gray-sama, and you see everyone else doing it as if it was simple. It never was, and it will never be." Juvia retorted with a rough gaze piercing his eyes for the first time he'd ever remember. He felt intimidated – but she was telling the truth.
"I was horrified. Obviously, I don't want to die – I want to walk beside everyone. I want to keep on being happy. But if any of us die; will I feel pain, will I cry, will I be devastated? Yes, I will. But above all, I won't blame myself, because the last thing I would want for you would be you, blaming yourselves because of me."
"Juvia…"
"…That's what I think," she finished, sighing, "I mean, what Juvia thinks."
That was exactly the same thing he thought. (But he'd probably sulk over it for a while longer.)
"Forgive me."
"Juvia is not blaming anyone."
"Yeah, I know," he replied, smiling softly. "I'm blaming myself again."
"Without valid reasons," she completed. "No one ever blamed you for what you blame yourself, Gray-sama."
"I know," he repeated. "I can't help doing it, though."
Juvia smiled. "But you're trying to find out why you're acting like that, aren't you?"
"… How do you even know that?" He retorted in surprise. She always read his emotions with ease, but that was bordering the ridiculous – for Mavis' sake, it was almost as if she was reading his mind!
"Everyone wants to know themselves better, Gray-sama, even you and even me," she answered, laughing at his reaction. "It's just common sense. And some personality reading, too."
He stopped and stared at her, surprised once again. Because of the way she acted (recently, just once in a while) around him, occasionally, he'd forget Juvia was really mature and really thought about, well, everything.
"Gray-sama," she interrupted his thoughts as she rose from her seat. "Juvia will be going back to Fairy Hills. She's kind of sleepy right now…"
"Ah, wait – I'll go with you." He rose up too, speaking before thinking. He then saw the water mage go red with his statement – her reaction was enough to make him feel his face equally warm – and quickly justified himself: "N-no, I just don't want you to go alone- I mean, you almost killed yourself today. And it's not safe-"
"Juvia walked the very same path when she headed here." She countered, even wanting him to make her company. "And, especially now, she'll be more careful. Go to sleep too. It's late, you'll spend your time doing that-"
He interrupted her by grabbing her hand and taking her with him along the street, dragging her – in a glimpse, she saw his face as red as a tomato.
"Shut up. Just for today."
She smiled.
"Just for today," Juvia repeated, returning his grip.
He didn't let go of her hand even once during their walk.
That was completely pointless, but I've got like a thousand Gruvias to write and since it's Gruvia week, why the fuck not?
Last November, my grandpa died and the theme has been above my head for a while. I wanted to externalize it somehow, then I decided to write (kind of rare, because I'd rather draw) a Gruvia fic centered around this theme also using the fact that Gray literally killed himself for Juvia's sake and a bit of that special chapter that was released a few days ago. And also because I love this ship, so yeah.
Since I wrote it really quick, I suppose there are one hundred mistakes here, so forgive me and please point them out.
Thanks for reading!