I have been trying to get back into writing but my muse has disappeared! This is so unedited and completely written on my phone :/ But I was watching the season 2 finale while on the elliptical and then "that" scene which we will not name came on and it made me just a little bit angry and then voilà! This came about.
I will try and fix any mistakes I notice on it and sorry for any errors in advance ;).
And I'm sorry if this is bad... Really sorry but I just can't write fluff by itself, I need smangst lol.
"Tom is calling to take you away, start a new life with a new identity."
"…Face this now, fight it, and you'll be free to make any choice you want."
Is this the choice he thought she wanted to make? Especially- now? After all that was said and done, after everything was laid out on the table, after her memories came flooding back?
Did he think she wanted to leave his side? How could he fathom being separated from her when he would do anything to keep her safe? She just couldn't make herself understand his motives or actions. Why was he insisting they separate after being joined at the hips for two months?
"You want to send me away?" She asked trying to sound apprehensive and not desperate or clingy but she was sure that the glassiness pooling at her tear ducts gave her away.
In the midst of his self-loathing and guilt, Red had unknowingly let himself be just a tad bit vulnerable and allotted Lizzie some instances in which she could study him and gain a better understanding of what he was feeling or thinking, especially what he wasn't saying. She had memorized all his little quirks and mannerisms and she was slowly learning how to read this unreadable man.
She could practically hear the cogs turning in his head and watched him grab onto each armrest of the chair he sat on until his knuckles went white.
"Just for a little while, to allow enough time to set them off our tail."
There was something he wasn't saying, wasn't disclosing and she watched as he tried to censor his words carefully.
"What is it?" She asked, "What aren't you telling me?"
He gave a little shrug to his shoulders before loosening the grip on the armrests.
There's a roll of his tongue before he speaks and she subconsciously prepares herself for his venom. Like she knows what he's about to say will either hurt or infuriate her.
"I'm surprised that you aren't as happy as I thought you would be at the revelation that you'd be reunited with your husband."
She can't even swallow the lump in her throat because her breath hitches and she forgets how to breathe.
"He's not my husband." That's all she can muster to say, her tone absent of a bite or snarl, just hurt that she cannot contain or hide from him. Because she knows what he's thinking, knows what he thinks she wants and the hurt that his assumptions about her cause inside are so much more powerful than his words.
His left eye-twitches and his jaw tightens just enough for her to know exactly what he thinks she will do, who she will choose and where she will end up and that's enough for her to let go of the tears that she had been forcing to hide behind the surface.
And then another realization hits her, and it hurts more than anything else.
"Sloppy seconds." She whispers as she pieces the puzzle together.
His eye-brows knit in confusion as he watches her, she can see guilt and empathy brewing in his eyes, as much as he tries to remain cool and collected, he's killing them both.
She mutters to herself as her eyes dart around the room until they land squarely on him. Her voice comes out as a tremble, her bottom lip quivering at the dig, at the way he addressed her to Tom. "Last week, you were on the phone with Tom, weren't you?" She asked and his heart sunk at the memory of the conversation that was meant to be private. He mentally kicked himself for not being more careful.
"…I heard you, I came downstairs to grab a book, I didn't know- you were on the phone with Tom weren't you?"
She heard him sigh, watches as he refused to meet her gaze before uttering a self-deprecating, "Yes."
"What did he say to you?" She couldn't stand still anymore, her weight being shifted from one leg to the other until she decided to aimlessly walk in circles in front of the chair he sat at.
She watched from the corner of her eyes as he got up and walked towards her.
She heard him whisper her name. "Lizzie" It sent a shiver up and down her spine.
She turned and stepped in front of him, so close in distance yet so emotionally far apart. She gritted her teeth until she asked him once again, his face trying to stay controlled and remain stoic even though his eyes were pleading with her to forgive and forget.
"He convinced me that it would be a better idea if you went away with him, it will only be for a couple weeks." He let out a breath before running a hand through his short-cropped hair and then grabbing onto the back of his neck. "Unless you find that you would prefer to stay with him. He could probably keep you safer than I can at the moment."
She shook her head, disbelieving. Her face so close to his, a hairs breath away from their noses touching. Her stare so intense and penetrating that he almost loses his resolve.
"What did he tell you?" She asks again and he tries so hard to keep a blank canvas, absent of the emotions that are conjuring up inside of him.
"What I already knew."
She growls at his answer before her scream hits him like a slap in the face.
"WHAT. DID. HE. ? God damn-it."
His eyes shut closed before he answers her back, his voice brass but not sharp, leering but not harsh, as if he expected nothing less from her. As if she was a petulant child who was getting lectured for the umpteenth time for the same mistake.
"He told me about the rekindling of your relationship, how you rocked his boat, and I must say, I'm happy that you found it in yourself to forgive him so easily- After all that was said and done. You continuously surprise me with these new revelations about yourself, I would of never known how easy it was for a man to get you to spread your legs for him if Tom hadn't been so kind as to-"
His words were muted by the sound of her hand slapping against his cheek. Her chest was heaving from the adrenaline and her body shuddering at his words. She slapped him, but she felt the sting.
She lets out a sob that causes an ache to form inside his heart.
They stood there, face-to-face, the slap didn't make him budge an inch, didn't make him falter or succeed. It just shut him up. If it wasn't for the way he tightened his jaw, she would of thought it was completely unaffected.
The silence was deafening, the only noise was the sound of their heavy breathing. Their breaths coming out in puffs in perfect synchronization while their eyes penetrating into each other- both not daring to look away.
When she finally speaks, her anger and rage giving way to a sadness that nearly breaks him.
"You son-of-a-bitch, don't you dare." Her voice is coarse and thick from crying and she brings a hand up to wipe her nose on her sleeve but she refuses to look away.
"I wanted to know you, all I ever wanted was to be close to you, to understand you and to love you-" Her words caught on a sob, "You never let me in, you never gave me something to hold onto, you never let me know you cared."
He lets out a disbelieving laugh, a painful smile playing upon his face as he tries to hide the anger brewing inside of him before he says and does things that he will be unable to ask for forgiveness for later.
"I have laid my life down for you more times than I can even count-" Her eyes turn to slits and she barks at him before he can even finish a sentence.
"-Yes, okay, you gave me your loyalty and your protection and your care but all those things do not amount to what you didn't give me."
He lets out a huff and crosses his arms across his chest, "And what didn't I give you, Elizabeth?" His voice menacing and dangerous, a tone he has never addressed her with.
She flinches just a bit, but refuses to let him scare her, she knows what he is capable of but she is also aware of what she means to him now- And that is enough to keep her from faltering.
"Love." She states simply and watches the gulp form in his throat. "You knew I thought I was just a ploy for you, that you risked your life for me because you had no choice, because without me- you would be good as dead too. And you never tried to reassure me that I was more than a commodity- that I wasn't a bargaining chip or something you were using to get what you wanted. You made me feel like your interest in me was selfish and it wasn't about me- it was about what I possessed inside of me, you risked your life for me because I had the one thing that could save yours.
"You know that's not true, Lizzie.'
"Yeah, But I didn't know it then, so if your going to blame anyone for me running to Tom and sleeping with him, then blame yourself. Because if I had known then what I know now, I would've never set foot on that boat."
He's even more broken than she could of ever imagined, and she hates that she loves him so much, that she can't bring herself to walk away from him. Her love for him runs so deep in her veins and inside her bones and she wishes she could show him, or just tell him, the weight of the burden is so heavy that she doesn't know how long she will be able to control herself.
He starts to speak but she cuts him off, she wants to make him hurt as much as he hurts her because she hates that he thinks of her as damaged goods- As Tom's leftovers and she knows Red is a proud man and she wants to let him know she is capable of hurting him just as much as he hurts her.
"So, what did Tom say to you?" Her question is rhetorical and he knows it, his shoulders tighten in preparation for a sting greater than her slap. "Did he tell you how he touched me, how he saw me naked- how it felt to be inside of me?"
She feels his breath catch, and sees his eyes darken with a mixture of rage and jealousy. "Did he insinuate that you had feelings for me?"
She moves her face so that their noses are touching now and reaches her hands out to unwrap them from his chest. His eyes give him away, she doesn't know if he's just slacking in his demeanor or if he's deliberately allowing himself this vulnerability towards her.
"Did he chastise you and tell you that you would never have a chance with me? That I wouldn't want someone like you- that you were too old and too damaged? Please tell me what he said that made you tell him that you didn't want his sloppy seconds?" Her voice comes out as a plea, even though her words are meant to hurt him, they cast a shadow right above her.
He looks down at their joined hands, his fingers lightly caressing her palms, his eyelashes flutter and there's this look of fascination plastered on his face, like he can't believe she's letting him touch her and it melts her resolve.
"I'm sorry." She almost doesn't hear it because she's too focused on watching him study the way her hand fits so perfectly into his.
"I don't need you to be sorry, I just need you to tell me that I'm not Tom's sloppy seconds." Her eyes shift to his face but he refuses to tear his gaze away from the task at hand.
"You're not Tom's sloppy seconds, Lizzie."
"Red, look at me." She pleads and waits for him to meet her gaze.
When he does, she expects him to kiss her. She has all these fantasies of how their first time would be. She has always imagined him pulling her roughly against a wall after an argument and latching onto her lips and hiking her up and having his way with her right then and there.
She expects him to tell her that he wants her, that he loves her and then she expects him to mark his territory and make her, his.
But when he tilts his head to face her and opens his mouth to speak, she is sadly disappointed in his answer and his inability to let go of his pride and ego.
"Tom is waiting for you, Lizzie." He simply states and lets go of her hands and watches as they land back at her sides.
She can't help the stunned look that creeps on her face and she almost makes it out of the door but before she can, she turns her head to stare back at him.
"Out of curiosity, what hurts more? The fact that I slept with Tom or knowing that it could have been you if you weren't so intent on pushing me into his arms?"
She doesn't wait for a response let alone enough time to watch his reaction.